Another chance -- my game plan

[beat]

Hello everyone. I made account because I need advice on my breakup.

My gf broke up with me about a month ago and said that she needed to focus on getting into medical school and that the relationship was giving her stress. She cried very hard and said she did not want to lose me. She said that I was the best man she ever met and that she wants me to be happy and that we need some healthy time apart. We had only dated for 3 months, but she made me feel like no other woman had before. I also feel like we did not get a fair shot at a relationship, because we dated during the most stressful semester of our undergrad. We also had three classes together, as we are both studying the same major, which didn't help. Later on in the relationship, I started to slip into a depression, something that happens to me every once in a while, and I feel that this is what made her lose her attraction for me -- I had stopped loving myself momentarily. I did not tell her that I was suffering from a cyclic depression and had been for years. I wish I would have told her what I was going through, but now that's in the past -- I can only work with the future.

 

I made the mistake of crying in front of her and trying to convince her to come back for the first week and apologized for everything I said the next week. As of now, it is our last week of class this semester, and she sometimes talks to me in class about simple things, like homework, etc. but nothing about her life. She stays away from me after class -- I think she does this because she wants to "give me space to heal" (her exact words to me). It only hurts more to see her so elusive of me, though. I know I should not chase her, though. Seeing her in class is rough. I can tell she is hurting, too -- she makes a point to dress very well and appear happy, exaggerating her facial expressions and comments. I just want her to know that everything will be okay. I feel bad for her seeing me at such a low.

 

My plan is to give her some space (NC or very low contact) until she takes her MCAT test in the summer. During this time, I will work on myself. I have started therapy for my depression and hopefully I can end the long cycle. I also am a powerlifter, and I have more time for my goals. I'll be focusing more on bodybuilding than lifting more weight though because I want to improve how I look, too . I am also going to take some courses in the summer and do some research (something that I told her I would do) to improve my chance of getting into graduate school.

Another thing I plan to do is to learn to sing and play the piano, something I have always wanted to do for years, but I never got the chance. My ex is a classically trained singer, and she always told me that she would love to hear me sing and play music with me. I feel like this helps because I will learn something that I've always wanted to do while doing something she enjoys (that can only help, right?) I know I wont be amazing in a few months, I am doing this for myself.

 

Hopefully after all of this, she may see me in a new light and we can start anew.

 

I feel like something is missing though. I know that she cares, but I just want to know if I can improve this plan at all or what everyone thinks.

[Deejmonster]

You have a lot to learn my dear friend. I would suggest that you learn more about yourself and do those things you listed but only for yourself. Doing all of this in the hopes that she will take you back isn't a smart way of thinking. Everyone on here will tell you that they have been in your position before... because we all have... and we all at one point probably thought up something similiar to what you are thinking now... "If I do this... there is no way she can resist me!"... actaully... yes she can resist you and most likely will. Is this your first serious relationship that you are recovering from? I would just tell you to give yourself time to heal and do those things listed... as of right now she is no longer in the picture and nothing you can do will persuade her to come back... thats just not how it works. NC only works on healing you... it doesn't make the other person come back... if there was a full proof plan to bring back those we loved, we would never suffer from a broken heart. I am very sorry my friend, its just not how it works.

[Reilly2856]

Although there are always some things one can improve on...I personally feel that your "improvement" can't make someone fall for you AGAIN. True "liking" or "love" is more about loving the person despite all the shortcomings they may have. I like how you have decided to pursue all the aforementioned activities for you. That is how it should be. Yet, I think you are mistaken in your belief that the pursuit of those activities will act as a catalyst in giving you a new start with her.

 

I feel like you sense what I am talking about here...because you also mentioned that you feel that something is missing...

 

She mentioned the relationship being stressful for her, yet your relationship is still in its early stage (only 3 months). Isn't this supposed to be the "honeymoon stage" so to speak. If it is stressful for her at this point, I cannot imagine her views when the novelty of the relationship wears off (say, a year from now). What will she say then? That it is now boring so she needs a break again?

 

Maybe it is bad timing (like you suggest) or maybe she is just softening the blow (i.e., she doesn't feel into you anymore)...whatever the true reason for her words...I agree with you on the point that you should give her lots of space. I also agree that you should pursue other activities...BUT do that only if it is for self-improvement and not as a means/plan to get her back. PLANS to get an ex back rarely work...and even in cases where they do work, such reunions are short-lived.

[beat]

I know that by the middle of summer when I am in the process of distracting myself, I will probably be in the mindset of moving on. My concern is not to improve myself with the sole purpose of getting her back, but to make sure that if I ever run into her again (which I know I will, as my brother is close friends with one of her best friends), that she wont be thinking of how painful the breakup was and instead be reminded of everything that went well.

 

I should also add here that we (mostly she) moved too fast, not to sound like I'm blaming her for it -- I enjoyed how much she was into me! I know what went wrong during the relationship, and I feel if I ever had a second chance, I would consciously work on it. For now, I'll take her for her word and let her finish what she needs to with school. I figure that if it is bad timing, she will realize that, but it is not in my interest to wait for her.

 

EDIT: Should I ever initiate contact with her? The thought of her completely disappearing from my life is very unpleasant. I would at least want to catch up with her after she takes her test to see how she is doing.

[shotinthedark]

Dude, this chick dumped you. All her crying, saying she didn't want to lose you, etc.... that was her way of letting you down easy so she wouldn't feel as much guilt. Does she have feelings for you? Probably. Are they romantic? Nope. The simple fact that she's eluding you and dressing up nice is simple evidence that she's moved on. When a girl breaks up with a guy that soon (yes, 3 months is soon) she's very rarely going to give you the straight-up answer. Stress? Bro, if Brad Pitt wanted to take this girl on a date, would she be too 'stressed'? She needed to validate herself with a reason... but I'll tell you the real reason- SHE LOST INTEREST. Plain and simple. A girl with high interest level will move mountains to spend time with you. If she was stressed, wouldn't spending time with a guy she was head-over-heels for make her feel better, and not worry about school as much? Do the math.

 

If you EVER want to talk to this chick again, do NOT initiate any contact whatsoever. She put her cards on the table. Did crying your eyes out help your cause? Absolutely not. Begging never gets men anywhere, simply because when a woman drops the axe, her mind is already made up. The best thing to do is completely avoid her. Chat up other girls in class, even infront of her. You're going to show her she dropped the ball, and that you don't need her. You want to catch up with her? Why? So she can tell you about this great new guy she's met? Sounds like you're a glutton for punishment, bro.

 

Forget her. If you see her in class, flash her a smile and say 'Hi', but that's as far as you go. Let her think about you. If she wants to talk to you again, the ball is in her court. That's your only move.

[Deejmonster]

EDIT: Should I ever initiate contact with her? The thought of her completely disappearing from my life is very unpleasant. I would at least want to catch up with her after she takes her test to see how she is doing.

 

Just move on. Don't try and bump into her or find her. There is also no proof that she will see you 6 months from now or whatever time frame... in a new light. There is no facts that she will even be thinking about the good times... the only way she is going to come back is if she soley wants to.. and as history shows.. this is quite rare... and it often burns out quickly... as we all know, history has a way of repeating itself.. as of now, you loved her and she loved you... and it was great while it lasted but the both of you need to move on... you should live your life as if she won't come back... you cant even think that she will... and even if you don't you still have to move on.. its over.. I have seen my exes before after break ups and the reaction never is what you dream it to be... usually, they are already with a new someone..

[beat]

I understand what you are saying, but I can't deny the way I feel about her. I have deep feelings for her, and if I could, I would make them go away, but that's just not going to happen. Also, if I avoid her, I understand that it will help with moving on, but it will not increase my chances of ever seeing her or speaking with her again. I feel like avoiding her won't make my love for her go away.

 

Also what about her things? Should I just keep them?

[kozar]

Hi people!Please help me!I am 25 and i had boyfriend for 7 years,my first relation ship as you can suppose.He was my best friend,my everything,we had plans for future life etc,and two months ago he left me just like that!He just told me that he is not in love with me anymore. I didn't know what to do,and i begged him,and cryed in front of him,i was begging him to answer the phone,to talk to me,to tell me WHY,i promise that i am going to change...this is happening to me first time in my life,so i listened to my intuition and haven't come to idea to go to internet.And after 5 weeks of humiliaton myself,i realized that it doesn't work and went to internet and read about no contact rule when it happens,iread some books about that,but still i am not sure is there a hope for me...so i stopped sending messages and stopped calling him for few days,and then i sent him message that i was thinking about everything,that i was acting weird,but he was right,it is the best for both,not to be together anymore.And i started no contact rule.I mean,he already stopped every contact with me,last message i received was 10 days ago,he asked me"how are you"...i don't know what to do.Do you think is there a hope for me?I think that he still loves me,but he has life problems like loseing his job and beeing sick for a long.I will be thankfull for every advice you give me.

[xstar]

Sorry to be the bringer of bad news, but you should let this one go and move on. You've only dated for 3 months, so basically you've only "dated" (The first 2 months never count, IMO, it's just time spent deciding if you want to get into a relationship). I don't know how much you know about medical school - but its insane. Med students work non stop. My best friend is in medical school. During her first few years, it took her about 3 weeks to return a non-emergency phone call. She rarely slept, sometimes went on 4-6 hours of sleep for weeks in a row. On top of that, I'm guessing you're gf is applying to a bunch of schools, so chances are that she's going to move out of state or at least to another city (unless you live by a big university). Just how exactly are you planning on sustaining a relationship with no foundation with someone who barely has time to eat and take a shower, much less get to know you? IF she's serious about medical school, she's being very realistic about her life.

 

BTW, the application process doesn't stop after the MCAT. Then there are applications, school visits, interviews, etc.

[Deejmonster]

I understand what you are saying, but I can't deny the way I feel about her. I have deep feelings for her, and if I could, I would make them go away, but that's just not going to happen. Also, if I avoid her, I understand that it will help with moving on, but it will not increase my chances of ever seeing her or speaking with her again. I feel like avoiding her won't make my love for her go away.

 

Also what about her things? Should I just keep them?

 

Trust me, eventually these feelings will subside.. and if you find ways of finding her... she is going to think that you are intentionally following her... this is also known as stalking... and my friend, this will get messy. These things take time. Also... her things... keep them until she arranges a time to pick them up or mail them to her.