Having a really tough night - need to vent

[sonicfan287]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm sure we've all been here, or are there now, and I know my pain isn't something unique but at this moment in time, it feels so unbearable, but I know it will pass. Until then, I felt the need to post here. I dont know why... I dont know why I cant just keep the words to myself, but I feel I know a lot of you fairly well considering this is an online message board. I spent almost an hour here every day (at the least) and it's so sad to think so many wonderful people have had to go through this pain of rejection.

 

To be honest, I'm kind of sick of recapping my breakup, Ive been on and off this website for the past 2 years, mourning the same girl (we got back together twice) and I know... it broke up 3 times... I shouldn't want her back. I know all that. She hurt me... so bad... left me for some other guy and after 3 days, posted all over his facebook how "awesome" he is and how incredible he is... this after just a couple weeks before (before we broke up), she was holding me tight, crying into my shoulder telling me that I dont give myself enough credit and that I'm a really great guy.

 

Thats not to say we didn't have problems and the irony is, even though I put so much blame on myself, there's probably nothing I couldve done if she was meeting this other guy and developing feelings for him and not me, and thats why I feel so helpless... she's not worth my time. I gave her everything I could give her. When she called me, drunk and afraid and other times, feeling sick, I'd rush to her side, no matter where I was. I'd come find her, I'd hold her up, put her in bed and stay with her, whatever she needed. She was very insecure about her body, her appearances and just had a low self image. I always told her how beautiful she was and I meant it. I truly believe that inside and out, she was a beautiful person... and it hurts me that Im no longer in her life...

 

I can take some solace in the fact that she found her happiness, even if its not with me... I feel selfish for feeling the way I feel, as if I need someone, as if I need her love, and if I dont, that its "Fair" of me to ask her for it. She doesn't want to love me anymore, so she isnt and I should be okay with that... even as I write this, you can tell how many times my emotional mood changes... sometimes, Im angry with her but other times, I'm angry at myself and just saddened. It's so pathetic to just keep saying "I miss her so much" but thats the only way I feel... that's the only way I can honestly phrase it. I miss her so freaking much... and I'm trying to make changes, not for her but just changes that were a long time coming.

 

I'm 23 years old and live with my parents, nothing to be ashamed of, I know, but to this point, I haven't had any real plans to move out. I feel like a kid. I have a job, but its a part time job that Ive spent 6 years at and other people my age visit sometimes (friends of mine) and can't believe Im still working there. I do have a new job though that I feel has a better future, as a DJ. Im also going to school and hoping to break into the graphic design business... but this all takes time, and this older guy she's with already has a job, he might even have his own place, im not sure (he's 25). I dont know much about him but from what I can tell, he looks like everything I wasn't... he's better built, has a very "laidback" look to him and that probably helps her more than someone like me... so emotionally fragile, I shatter over everything. The irony is... and this hurts me the most... the way I'm acting now... the way I act so pitiful... this is why she broke up with me... she won't say it because it would only add to the hurt, but this is why. She told me before she wished I could be stronger in an emotional sense, and I tried... I really did.

 

But when she broke up with me this third time, I just lost it... instead of doing what would've been more logical and trying to accept it gracefully, I lost it... even though I'd been through this before... I acted like it was the first time and I just cried and bawled, and then kept messaging her on facebook about it... and she kept shooting me down... but the thing is, she was already in a relationship with this guy while she was shooting me down but I didn't know that... she didn't seem the type to jump into a new thing that quickly and she never told me, even when I asked if there was someone else, so there I was, like an idiot, begging her... her new boyfriend was probably reading it with her and laughing... oh god, what is wrong with me?

 

I'm sorry... this is so long... Ive been here before, and Ive gotten out, so I'm sure I'll get out again. I love you all. God bless.

[Wiggle wiggle]

Nothing wrong with you. Give it some time and pray you don't end up like me (see my thread haha)

[picturing]

I know exactly how you feel...granted its only been 8 months for me but we were together almost 5 years and he officially got into a new relationship only 4 months after we broke up. Its an emotional roller coaster and especially tiring but I choose not to get involved in his life especially because he chose to be with someone else. Both our exes need to figure out whatever they need to figure out on their own...and so do we. Even though he's always on the back of my mind and everything reminds me of him still I surround myself with really amazing friends that I wouldn't have had a chance to get even closer with if it wasn't for this heartbreak. I have to remind myself a million times a day that everything happens for a reason and it does.

[Blossom06]

I agree that you need to give yourself time. Breakups can be an emotional roller coaster. All I can say is that it seems like you truly need to go through the proper steps to let her go completely. I think you are doing this now and its never easy. I also want to tell you not to be so hard on yourself. You have goals and are doing what it takes to get there. Remind yourself of that when you feel like you are not in a great place. Do not be ashamed when you are on track. Lastly, try not to compare yourself to this guy. You dont know him really or what he has or doesnt have. And dont try to figure it out. Their happiness, her happiness is just a perception. If she is truly happy great, if she isnt thats too bad but as far as you are concerned, you need to do all you can to make YOU happy again.

 

Take care of yourself first and foremost or no one else will. Forgive yourself if you feel like you were too emotionally weak. Use this situation to better yourself for YOUR future. Im a firm believer you cant truly find happiness with someone else until you let your past go and stay where it belongs...in the past. She is your past and thats okay because you have a future with good things waiting but only if you want it. Good luck

[sonicfan287]

Thanks so much everyone.

 

I agree that its important to look ahead to the future, which will hopefully be a good one. It'll be normal to think of her sometimes but Ive got a great support network and at the end of the day, I'm glad to have so many people in my life and online to help me through this. At the very least, it's shown me that the world isn't nearly as cold as I thought it was at the time of my breakup.

 

I feel much better after last night's "episode", and I'm hoping to stay that way but it's a bit unrealistic to think I'm going to be completely over her so fast, but I will continue to work on myself, and I hope to send the same inspiration to anyone else in this pain.