Your break up = not the worst thing in the world

[xstar]

I expect that I will get some backlash for this post, but I just wanted to put it out here anyway... maybe it'll inspire at least one person.

 

I've been reading so many posts about ex's who are emotionally unavailable, commitmentphobic, emotionally manipulative, cold, toxic relationships, immature, etc. And the dumpee comes on and says "how do I get this person back?"

 

Honestly.. why would you want this terrible person back??? Why wouldn't you want something better for yourself? If you're ex was a wonderful, loving person and for some minor issue or life circumstance it didn't work out.. then yes, you might want them back.

 

But if that's not the case - either a lot of people really have a negative view of their ex (reason for break up perhaps??) or should view this as a good thing that such a terrible person was removed out of their life. Yes it hurts and it sucks, and you go to the healing forum and you move on and learn and meet a person who is nice and treats you like a human being instead of being cold, unsure and not available.

 

I hope that after a certain point, dumpees do realize that even though a break up hurts, if you're actively pursuing someone who was not good to you - this desire is more of a reflection that you might actually need to be alone and work on yourself rather than actual 'love' for someone. It's impossible to love another if you don't have basic love and respect for yourself first.

[Ivory_Tower]

The summer I got dumped ended up being the best year of my life, actually. Never would have imagined it to go that way...

[iamblaze]

Thumbs up to xstar!

[desertbliss]

I was dumped because he was at his whits end with me and didn't know what to do anymore, he said he was happy with me, I thought I was happy too, but deep down I wasn't. So if I wasn't happy with myself, how could I be happy in a relationship? I've lost him, I admit it's a hard lesson to learn, but I have learned so much about myself and the way I mistreated him at times. It was all frustration that I directed towards him that had nothing to even to do with him or his actions really. I have apologized, he excepted, but in the end I broke his heart. Maybe one day...but if not, I've grown from these life lessons. So in my situation, it wasn't anything that he did that I wouldn't be proud to except another chance if offered. The only fault he may have had is giving up too easily and the need to want to help fix me.

[RitaTrue]

This post is SO ON TIME!! There're many people who're trying to stay in a destructive relationship, and "save" their boyfriend/girlfriend. But are lost as to why they themselves are feeling more miserable.

 

Sometimes break ups ARE the medicine and WAKE UP CALL to start loving yourself again!

 

Thanks for sharing OP

[WilliamBlake]

Xstar, I think you are absolutely correct, but for me it is just not that simple. When you fall in love it is just not that easy to turn those feelings off. I wish it were, as I am seven months past my breakup with someone who I am convinced has many of the issues you describe. I was thinking recently that if I were to write a Craigslist ad for him, it might sound something like this:

 

In search of someone to date. I am a great looking guy with the following traits: I am emotionally unavailable, I won't tell you what is on my mind, communication is not my thing, I am not comfortable with the truth, I will leave you at the first sign of trouble and blame you for it, etc.

 

When I put it this way, it just doesn't sound that appealing. At the same time, if he were to pull up to my house tonight and ask me back into his live, I would most likely say yes. Why? Because I am in love with him. In a way, we don't choose who we love, and because of that, we overlook many of their faults. I have been slowly getting to a better place and I do realize that he has not been nice to me and that is difficult for me to comprehend, but I still have feelings for him. This does not make me a bad person or someone with issues.

 

I have done a ton of work on myself, including a great deal of reading, and I have gone to counseling. My counselor told me that what I am going through is natural and it shows that I am a loving person who is capable of having a healthy, mature relationship. She is convinced my ex has a number of major issues that he needs to work through at some point in his life, but he may never decide to do that. So, as you say, I should be looking for someone who is capable of loving me in a healthy fashion. I look forward to that, but I am now allowing myself time to heal and am trying to move beyond the person who still owns a large portion of my heart.

[offplanet]

I think the thing is that no matter how bad a person is to/for you, the hard part is to be rejected by anyone. We just do not like being rejected, and will do anything to try and make it that we have not been rejected. It feels too bad.

[xstar]

The summer I got dumped ended up being the best year of my life, actually. Never would have imagined it to go that way...

 

After I actually let go of my past break ups and learned to have fun... I feel the same way. I was very fulfilled and happy. I just wish that I had kept that sense of fulfillment throughout my relationships rather than becoming dependent on a bf to make me happy.

[xstar]

I agree that we don't chose who we love, but just because we love someone doesn't mean that we have to fall into self-destructive habits. It takes a lot of work to get to a place where one is comfortable saying "I maybe in love with you, but we are not right for each other, and I can also love someone else".

 

Believe me, after my first real break, I thought I'd never love again. And a few years later I met someone who I loved as much. And after that break up, I thought I'd never feel the same way. And then I met a person who I loved so much more than anything in my entire life. And I still love the first person too, and although I don't talk to him or pursue him, if he came into my life right now I'd give him a chance if I were single and he was mature now.. and the same time, I it still doesn't diminish my love for my current ex.

 

True love, is unconditional. A lot of the feelings that people, especially needy people feel, isn't love, its attachment, although a very powerful motivator is motivated from different ideas that the one behind true love.

[xstar]

I think the thing is that no matter how bad a person is to/for you, the hard part is to be rejected by anyone. We just do not like being rejected, and will do anything to try and make it that we have not been rejected. It feels too bad.

 

Yes, this is very true. It's also true that people do have a brain that allows them to make rational decisions that separates us from animals who act purely based on fear or emotion. Yes it hurts to be rejected a lot. Since I'm here, I obviously know. But, is it really that much worse than staying in a relationship where someone treats you like crap?

 

I was talking to a friend recently who was dumped by her boyfriend. She felt rejected and like crap. During the relationship, he would always criticize her, so she felt rejected, albeit less crappy. I mean.. to me.. investing months or longer of my time to go from a crappy to a less crappy situation is a sign that one needs to get themselves to therapy ASAP, not back to their ex!

[toby17]

Xstar, I think you are absolutely correct, but for me it is just not that simple. When you fall in love it is just not that easy to turn those feelings off.

 

Xstar, it's not quite that simple. And while a lot of our stories are alike, they're not the same.

 

I've never doubted that i'd find someone else. I'm not begging or pleading and i'm not weak. I have little time for the newly dumped on eNA and my attitude is don't give them the chance to hurt you, as soon as you spot the red signs, bounce! My ex tried to contact me the other day and I replied with an angry email telling her about herself, which in all probabilty has put an end to anymore contact from her. If she were to come back, I can't see how I could possibly give in because I don't trust her and there's lots of things about her that I think would irritate me now.

 

But I loved this girl more than you can possibly imagine (and unconditionally until months after the relationship). In fact, I still love her, although you guys are the only ones I will admit this to and I'd never tell her this is so.

 

So my life will move on and I'm glad I don't have to deal with a lot of her crap anymore but rather than be happy I don't have to be with someone with issues, I still don't understand "why I had to get the dud who can't do intimacy".

[toby17]

In search of someone to date. I am a great looking guy with the following traits: I am emotionally unavailable, I won't tell you what is on my mind, communication is not my thing, I am not comfortable with the truth, I will leave you at the first sign of trouble and blame you for it, etc.

 

Puts it in perspective, doesn't it. But when they leave you're the one left trying to figure out what's wrong with you.

 

Life is weird.

[xstar]

But see.. you were the person I was aspiring to in my original post. Of course you're going to continue loving someone! But you realize that the relationship is not right and you move on - even though it's going to hurt for a while, instead of saying.. red flags but I want to get back with them anyway.

 

I didn't say its an easy process, but I do think if you're in a bad relationship, you owe it to yourself to deal with the pain of loss and move rather than be with someone who doesn't treat you with love and respect. I think you have a great perspective

[Donovan79]

There's also a big part of this that's ego. Okay, you can tell yourself that they sucked, were worthless, not good people, etc., etc. But if they were that pathetic and you're so great, dumpees ask themselves, how in the world could they dump you?

[markie6]

There's also a big part of this that's ego. Okay, you can tell yourself that they sucked, were worthless, not good people, etc., etc. But if they were that pathetic and you're so great, dumpees ask themselves, how in the world could they dump you?

 

Often peoples ego's will make people seek a rejection retraction , or to hatch a plan to get back with their ex in the distant future after they have healed and improved themselves. They are always the ones who cannot accept rejection and put it down to some character flaw of the dumper. As dumpers and dumpees we have to see both sides. There would be no amount of improvement in those I have let go in the past, they weren't right for me, nothing can change that. In the same way as dumpee , I can't do a lot to change me into somebody they may like again at some point in the future. You rarely give out the exact truth to somebody when you dump and likewise when you are dumpee you never hear it either.

[xstar]

There's also a big part of this that's ego. Okay, you can tell yourself that they sucked, were worthless, not good people, etc., etc. But if they were that pathetic and you're so great, dumpees ask themselves, how in the world could they dump you?

 

There's a big difference between saying that someone sucks and is worthless, especially that they rejected you, and someone who stays in a toxic relationship or a person who treats them poorly. I don't see how there's an ego thing here. All I see is a person so desperate for love and attention that they're willing to compromise their own happiness then deal with those feelings and let go to find true love and respect.

[Donovan79]

There's a big difference between saying that someone sucks and is worthless, especially that they rejected you, and someone who stays in a toxic relationship or a person who treats them poorly. I don't see how there's an ego thing here. All I see is a person so desperate for love and attention that they're willing to compromise their own happiness then deal with those feelings and let go to find true love and respect.

 

Maybe it's just a guy thing, but whether or not I deep-down love the girl, I also just don't like losing. A relationship that was great for awhile and then just starts going sour, where I'm getting treated badly, where her feelings are all over the map... I've lost control. I want it back. My ego won't allow me to think that she just doesn't want me, she wants someone else. I won't allow that to be true. I'll keep fighting. I'll win this.

 

I keep going until it's obviously completely unsalvageable because my damn ego doesn't want to accept defeat. What that fat bastard needs to understand but never seems to learn is that -- like you say -- sometimes the closest thing to winning is just making the call yourself and walking away.

[xstar]

^ if you're the root of your own problem and are just making excuses for yourself... good luck, I guess.

[WilliamBlake]

I still think some of this analysis is not necessarily correct. For example, I fell in love with someone who, by all accounts, has some pretty big issues. That does not mean I am projecting these on to him in order to feel better about myself. Many fall in love with people with issues. These can include personality disorders, problems with substance abuse, low self-esteem, etc. We don't just project these things onto people in order to feel better about ourselves or to feed our egos. We also don't just long for an ex in order to get a breakup retraction. It is simply that we fall in love with these people, faults and all, and that is a difficult thing for some of us to move on from quickly.

 

It is especially difficult to deal with someone who abandons. If you read about abandonment in loving relationships or have experienced it firsthand, you know that it is one of the most difficult things you will ever have to face in life, and can be worse than mourning a loved one's death. This abandonment is something I will never understand given that my ex and I got along so great and had an amazing romantic connection.

 

You may ask why I still have a longing for him even though he did this to me, and after he has shown me an angry side to his personality. That is a great question. I don't think it has to do with my inability to analyze the situation from an intellectual perspective. Instead, I think these are matters of the heart, and they are not always easily explained.