Should I confront my gf on her locked phone or just leave?

[EgoJoe]

If she doesn't do ANY correspondence in front of you AND you have caught her lying AND you have communicated your issues then it is time to dump her. The Women who have responded while a bit biased are correct to a degree, without multiquoting whichever poster said as isolated incidents they do not amount to much, I agree with that although this whole 100% privacy while in a relationship just reeks of indignance. Yes, you are entitled to your own private correspondence in a relationship but the guidelines of said correspondence shall be limited by the boundaries of comfort of the people within the relationship, it is simple logic to me.

 

Personally, I never did and still don't care about what jibber jabber the women I've been with and will be with have going on with their GFs and if it involves me and it is negative, shame on her/them for not coming to me with regard to the issue. Now, if there is correspondence with multiple other men, that were not in the picture before hand what you do is simple, you ask them what is what, simple questions without ultimatums or any insecurity. Then the next day, ask the same question in a different way and if there is any hesitation beyond a reasonable moment to process or any inconsistency you dump her on the spot.

 

Eminem said it best, truly and correctly, "Not a jealous man but Females lie."

 

Don't put up with it and eventually you won't have to even deal with it.

 

The way you do the breaking up in this kind of situation is simple:

 

 

"I am breaking up with you. You know why. Don't contact me. Goodbye."

 

Nothing like playing your ace in the hole (leaving) and even if it seems like they could care less you are salvaging your dignity and respect.

 

Let me "learn" you something. There are more good Women than good Men in the world so you are a prized commodity if you are a righteous dude. The reason being, guys get jaded from the BS faster and it is easier to just be a selfish masculine than take the time, energy and effort to be that notch above.

 

My personal advice is to gather your stuff and I mean ALL of it in advance, from her place etc. whatever and then gather her stuff and once again I mean all of it in advance and dump her. You have caught her lying, she does ZERO correspondence in front of you, forget the PWed stuff etc. but the lies and the lack of comfort with regard to communicating with others in front of you or disclosing information willingly is a dead give away that she is not invested, is not a giver and is not worthy of your affection.

 

Don't be discouraged, not every Woman you come accross has learned to value what she has yet and may still be getting spoonfed BS from Oprah's book club, jersey shore and every other source superficial pseudo-culture. So what you do is exercise your HEALTHY bounaries and REASONABLE expectations to REMOVE yourself from UNDESIRED situations.

 

Love is unconditional. Relationships are not.

[Donovan79]

Wow, EgoJoe, that rocked. Dead on.

 

My ex would constantly check her phone, oftentimes without taking it out of her bag. Which was weird. She would always take her bag with her to the bathroom. Always. When checking the phone she would always have it just slightly tilted so I couldn't see it. This was after she started sleeping with her ex again. Before she was sleeping with her ex, and we were actually okay, she always left her phone out, rarely checked it, didn't care. I barely thought about her phone. After she started sleeping with her ex, all I knew is that her relationship with her phone was weird. Women think they're playing it off but men pick up on this s@$&.

 

Your girl is shady and talking about it is only going to cause her to lie more. And the more you accept her lies and tell her it's okay, the less respect she will have for you, until in the end she'll have zero attraction for you whatsoever and will bang any of the twelve guys who are messaging her without a thought. You need to tell her in a calm, friendly, confident way exactly what you want. And if she can't do it... follow Joe's advice with the gathering of clothes and stuff and dumpery.

[lalalollipops]

Since she lied and seems to have no problems flirting around with other guys, I would probably be really wary of what's going on. I for one, like privacy, and have my things locked bc I don't like people going into my personal things and messages. I wouldn't like a bf to be prying into my stuff either. But I wouldn't be defensive if they did want to check.

I think the difference btwn sb doing dodgy stuff and sb just liking privacy is how they respond to your requests. If they get all defensive...Overly so... Then yeah... Probably going to find sth that will hurt you.

[pumpkin43]

DMZ~I agreed with you from the start of your thread and kept reading all the posts from people that said you are insecure or wrong for feeling the way you do. I agree with you completely I NEVER locked my phone and my ex locked his or would hide his phone in another room when I was at his house. In the end I became insecure and pissed off and we argued until it was OVER. Thinking back he did me a HUGE FAVOR by dumping me two months ago because he would have cheated on me forever if I married him and I would just be misserable. GO WITH YOUR GUT!!! You know when it's not right deep down. Good luck!

[trustno1]

DMZ~I agreed with you from the start of your thread and kept reading all the posts from people that said you are insecure or wrong for feeling the way you do. I agree with you completely I NEVER locked my phone and my ex locked his or would hide his phone in another room when I was at his house. In the end I became insecure and pissed off and we argued until it was OVER. Thinking back he did me a HUGE FAVOR by dumping me two months ago because he would have cheated on me forever if I married him and I would just be misserable. GO WITH YOUR GUT!!! You know when it's not right deep down. Good luck!

 

I appreciate this for the simply fact that not everyone is insecure....when you see and observe things that are always contradictory coming from someone you have strong feelings for....it hurts...... I was going to have a talk last night with her...but I realized that its not important.....whats important is that I realize that I find someone who doesn't have a two face and that can be open with me.....I am dealing with something more important anyway to be focused on a woman who basically is an on/off switch....caring and affectionate one day and cold and distant the next.......My mom was iin an accident over the weekend so that is truly my focus....not to mention she got a text at 1am last night....and waited till this morning to check as I left the room......it is clear to me....I am not going to argue or anything...she called me this morning to make sure i made it to the office and asked what was wrong....I just told it wasn't important ....because at the end of it all ....I know she will adjust herself for the betterment of our relationship.....so when I am ready I will let her know how uncomfortable I feel knowing that she thinks its ok to have God knows who texting her in the middle of the night....pure bs and disrespectful....and she doesn't even realize what kind of a name she is giving herself.....what could I say about her now??? A woman with her mentality will never find a man like me that will tolerate it....she find a loser that will do the same to her......I don't care anymore....Im simply tired of people seeing my kindness for weakness..... if she would take an account of the time wasted texting other guys when she has a man that takes care of her and her son....let me stop....Ive given her too much time and energy already.....Im glad you didn't marry him....you would have been changed forever becuase he was never a real man anyway....be well.

[trustno1]

I get you all the way....I just posted before to a female member that agreed with how I feel about this all.... I just have to realize...that what matters to me ...matters to me....and I dont anyone to validate my feelings..... I let her know this morning that she can do whatever she wants....Im done

[Donovan79]

I think she doesn't know what she wants, and women like that may never know. If you want to deal with this for the next however many months or years, keep it up, but mankind has yet to invent any solution to stop a girl who loves messaging and cheating other guys with one exception: walking away.

 

Or maybe she's just turned off by ellipses.

[guynextdoor]

DMZ I feel for you man. My ex kept her phone locked and tilted her phone when she received a text while sitting next to me. When confronted she stated it was only a friend so I looked the other way. What I later found out was this friend was someone she went on vacation with and slept with behind my back. We all do respect privacy but we also need to be honest and respect our SO. GL my friend..

[trustno1]

DMZ I feel for you man. My ex kept her phone locked and tilted her phone when she received a text while sitting next to me. When confronted she stated it was only a friend so I looked the other way. What I later found out was this friend was someone she went on vacation with and slept with behind my back. We all do respect privacy but we also need to be honest and respect our SO. GL my friend..

 

I appreciate it Guy.... I will voice my feelings to her and leave it at that....all I know is that I will be prepping to be single once again.....it definitely feels like she wants to have the single life that all her friends have but have me stuck in the house with her all the time not really doing anything except groceries and watching the baby..... Im done man...if she can't see that she does not apply her own words of widsdom....thats enough for me......I've been patient enough.....

[trustno1]

I always have my phone locked and passwords on my emails etc. I'm not cheating. My boyfriend takes his phone everywhere, he doesnt lock it, but he's not cheating.

 

Understood.....but Im sure you don't entertain other dudes at work and get text & email notification at 1am.....not to mention constantly telling your bf that you are an open book.....big difference.......My life is not ruled by my cell phone, facebook ....all of that is just bs to me..... sorry to be blunt with it but locking a phone and acting suspicious are two different situations in my realtionship and yours..... my phone is always available and never facing down....( are you starting to see the big picture? I know I am wasting time now......she can continue entertaining whoever is texting & emailing....she thinks Im that stupid and gullable....I know she has another email acct that she has never even shared with me.....I wonder why.......that is probably where her "dudes" email her and send her pics

[guynextdoor]

I appreciate it Guy.... I will voice my feelings to her and leave it at that....all I know is that I will be prepping to be single once again.....it definitely feels like she wants to have the single life that all her friends have but have me stuck in the house with her all the time not really doing anything except groceries and watching the baby..... Im done man...if she can't see that she does not apply her own words of widsdom....thats enough for me......I've been patient enough.....

 

You're a good man and like you I embrace the single life and not have to worry about someone hiding messages or receiving late messages 2am. Its funny they get very defensive with the whole trust issue instead of talking about it.

[broken1414]

DMZ - I'm with you on this one. You should read my post from months ago called "Apparently I have trust issues...?" Because apparently....I do. (I don't really have trust issues. lol read the post!) (Also a few other related posts my me - check them out!) My bf and I have been together a little over a year now. We never fight about anything, and he's amazing in every way.......except his phone locking habits.(which have not been discussed since the issue in my 'trust issues' post)

 

We have not been to counselling yet, but it's something I need to bring up to him because I still really want to do it. Things haven't changed at all with him....he still keeps his phone on lock-down, and always face down. If we go anywhere, he leaves his phone at home. A lot of the time he comes home from work and just leaves his phone out in his truck for the night. Weird if you ask me. Especially since he has an 11 year old son who might one day have an emergency or something, and will not be able to contact his father because the phone will be out in the truck, or left at home, or in his pocket....on silent. We don't have a computer at home so e-mail accounts are not an issue for us, we both e-mail from our phones. The one time I asked to see his phone, he got VERY defensive, asking me "don't I treat you good? Don't I come home to you everyday after work? So what are you worried about?" I have a facebook account, he doesn't. In fact the one time I asked him to see his phone (the one time from my "trust issues" post) he said, "I don't ask to see your facebook page." Whatever. Do I trust him?? I don't actually know. What I do know is that I love him very much, I respect him very much, I appreciate him immensly, I am thankful to have him in my life. However, I don't know if I really trust him. Like I said, whatever. Since our little phone locking issue back in the fall, I have changed my ways. I keep my phone on lock-down, face down as much as possible. I don't answer texts when he is around. The only reason for all of this is because he acts this way, so why shouldn't I?! He wouldn't dare ask me to see my phone or who I am talking to, because he knows that the answer is simple, NO! I know two wrongs don't make a right, but it is what it is. Right now for me, it's not worth leaving the relationship. The second something doesn't feel quite "right", or the second I find out he spoke to his ex again, that's when it will be worth it to leave. In fact as it stands, if I feel suspicious about something I don't even bother asking him about it. Why? Because his level of defensiveness makes me 100 times more suspicious, and it becomes a bigger issue than it was in the first place. I try to tell myself that if something isn't right, I will find out about it soon enough. And if that ever happens, the break up will be quick and simple "I'm done. You know why. Goodbye."

 

Just the other day he mentioned to me that his ex (his son's mother) said she had been on my fb page (crazy creeper woman!) and told him that there is no picture of him and asked him "what's up with that?" Hahaha...my only response was "lol". He can wonder for all I care, a small victory for me! (there ARE pictures of him on my fb, she just can't see them!) And I know he sure won't ask me if he can see it!

 

So I'm sure nothing I said here will really help you at this point, just wanted to let you know that you're sure not alone. I used to be the open book - no phone locks, no secrets. I would have given my bf full access to my phones, e-mails, facebook, whatever - I have nothing to hide, nothing. I agree that when in a committed relationship, things should be shared. Not because of insecurities or trust issues, but out of respect, out of openess, out of honesty.

 

Obviously, I'm still in this situation, so if you have any advice for me, bring it on!! Good Luck DMZ!!

[trustno1]

I feel you on this....you know I could easily do the same exact thing she is doing and really make her feel uncomfortable, but that is just not in me and honestly it would take to much energy that I would rather focus into my passion of music...... I am simply going to continue observing and listening because that is the only thing I have that can help me to understand and determine if the relationship I have is going to move forward, which at this point ....it doesn't look like that at all. don't get wrong, I feel strongly for her and she has so much potential but I can honestly say that it seems that she is stuck in the " I really don't want to embrace maturity and I want to be single" phase.....so the only thing I can do is be me and show her that I have nothing to hide and that I am dealing with the things she does that make me uncomfortable in a mature way.....I know you are a young woman, my only advice to you is very simple,,,whatever you do, don't allow anyone to penetrate your "inner feelings" on your relationship. IT is too easy to find someone to be open with.....and please don't allow your girlfriends to put bs in your ear....decide on your own train of thought.....It makes me nauseous when I see and hear the " single friend" giving all this relationship advice.....is that even sensible? why do youthink the single friend is single in the first place....anyway....be strong and yes trust your gut......Peace

[broken1414]

Thanks DMZ! I only have one close girlfriend, and she tells me how it is. She doesn't fill my ears with any bs, In fact, I think the only reason she is still single is because she just won't take any crap from guys! Haha...

 

I really do feel that I should always trust my gut, however my bf thinks that trusting your gut is bs. Meh!! I trusted my gut before, and it was RIGHT! Hard to ignore now. Anyways, like you said, all I can do now is just be me. The only reason I do the phone locking, etc. is because I REALLY want him to ask me about it, so I can ask him how it feels. He's really not very good at putting himself in my shoes and trying to see things from my point of view, so that was my strategy. When I asked him how he would feel if I told him that there were messages in my phone from other men that he could easily misinterpret, he just kept saying "that's not the point." I had to ask him the question like 20 times before he finally said, "I guess it would make me feel kinda crappy." It works a little, sometimes he tells me that my phone is blinking, and I just say "oh ya" and leave it. I hope it drives him crazy!! Call me petty, but it's kinda funny!

 

In the meantime, he really IS an amazing guy, and I love him to the moon and back, so I will stay. But I have been through enough bs in my short life to know when something really isn't right, and when I feel that again, it will be over. I just hope that I'm not in too deep by then (either married to him and/or having kids with him). It is really a hard thing for me to wrap my head around - this amazing guy who shows me nothing but loyalty, respect, kindness, etc, etc, who I love like crazy, who I just don't trust, who wants nothing more than to get married and have kids with me, who puts me on a pedastal and literally spoils me rotten (not with money, but with foot rubs, chores, etc.), and then lies to me about his ex?!?! I'm just always skeptical of him now, it's like ongoing torture to always wonder like that. And please note that I was not AT ALL skeptical of him until I knew he was talking to his ex behind my back and not being upfront and honest with me about it. It's just not in my nature to be jealous or insecure. So I pay extra attention now, no snooping, and have faith in myself that I will recognize if something is wrong....what else can you really do?!

[DN]

People say 'trust your gut' but they never seem to pick the right lottery ticket.

[broken1414]

DN - You're right!! LOL...however I think picking lotto numbers is more like being psychic!! I think trusting your gut is more like you know how a certain situation SHOULD feel, and it just doesn't feel how it should. Humans are the only species on earth that blatantly ignores their natural sense of fear. If a deer 'feels' scared, it runs away! If a human feels scared, it usually stays anyway!

[DN]

I have learned that people I liked at first, and even some who I thought were good friends, turned out to be people I should have avoided and others, that I didn't particularly like, turned out to be close friends.

 

So now I reserve judgment until I have got to know them and been able to observe behaviours over a period of time. This takes rationality rather than just emotion - (emotion is another word for 'gut instinct'.

 

Your analogy about humans staying when scared as opposed to other species doesn't really stand analysis - if it did rabbits would run the world instead of being fairly low down the food chain.

[trustno1]

You are a good woman.....I truly believe if he is doing all of those things that "spoil" you...he is a good man and just didn't want to hurt you with the whole "ex" thing.....As a man....fear of hurting the one they love is big...IMO... I think you both will be fine....if he is thinking marriage with you then his heart and mind are in the right place.....I would maintain your stance and continue observing becuase at the end of it all....you and your feelings must come first, but on the flip side, always keep in mind that he has feelings too so don't over do it.....Crazy....aside from two other posts from men...you have been the best one thus far....probably becuase we are going through the same thing.....it was a quiet night at home last night.....she did talk with me for a while and stated that she understands how I feel, that is fine with me, I let her know that I am in love with her and if she serious about a long term relationship with me, then she needs to start acting as such,,,,,I let her know it won't work out if its 80/20.......it has to 50/50 or zero.....she was quiet becuase she saw how serious I was.....we hugged eachother and she told me that she knows she has a lot to work on for herself and the betterment of our love.....I left it there.....I just told her that I don't expect change overnight nor do I expect anything from her at all. This is something she has to decide on her own....that will truly show me if she is serious about being with me.....so I will be patient .....Ive never loved anyone like I love her......Be well. and success to you and your BF....

[Seraphim]

I can tell you right now if you expect relationships to be 50/50 all the time you are in for a lot of heart ache, because they are not. 50/50 in all situations is a big myth someone thought up and then people perpetuated. No wonder so many people in relationships are unhappy. Life is never 50/50. Sometimes some one give 90% and the other 10% and then the 10% person gives 60% in the next situation. As long as there is some equality of effort over time and there is no " I gave 60% here so now YOU have to" bean counting going on.