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Sex and the lack of it in an 8 year relationship


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I have gone out with my boyfriend for 8 years. in between we have broken up once and i started going out with another guy. However, we got back together and we are now thinking of getting married.


Throughout this 8 years, we hardly had sex at all (we stayed together for a year). We hardly had any sex even during the beginning of our relationship. We have single digit number of experience and we never lasted long enough for him to come. We only touch each other. He doesn't show much interest in sex.


I have always thought that the problem lies in me. However, after going out with this other guy, i found that i was capable of performing and enjoying sex. And now I start to compare the lack of it with my bf .... and worse still, he's incompetency at it.


i am afraid that the situation will be more or less the same after we get married. How are we going to have kids ? I want to feel the passion too. I do not know how to talk to him about this. I don't want him to think and question about what I did with my ex. He is a great guy in so many ways. He loves me very much. But i do need to feel the passion as well .... which I don't feel anymore. Am I wrong to feel this way ? To be afraid that the lack of sex may jeopardise our marriage in the future ?

We are in our twenties ...... Are we a normal couple ?

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hi lilybud ...


I think if you read what you've posted and pretend somebody else wrote it, you've really answered your own questions. You didn't say that you loved him, even though I'm sure if you're considering marriage you have great affection for him.


A good sex life is not the be all and end all in a marriage, but it is a big part of it, and I don't think you can really consider making a (hopefully) lifelong commitment to somebody when you have this many doubts.


Of course it may be that he has some worries about sex, or about pre-marital sex, but if you don't have the passion and even worse, if you can't talk to each other about this problem, then you have a lot of work to do.


Of all the problems that are thrown into a relationship, many of them can be sorted out through full and honest respectful communication. But you do need to be able to talk to each other to have that. I understand your reluctance to get into some sort of fight over the relationship you had with another man while you were split up, because you don't want to upset him, but it's something you just can't ignore or it will definitely come back to haunt you later on.


No, you're not wrong to feel this way at all, so please try and discuss it with him and please don't make any promises when you have so many doubts.


good luck ...

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Sounds like my situation with my wife, to be honest.


I would seriously sit down and talk to him about it, without bringing up your ex (at least at first). If it leads to him be honest about it and let him know.


If you are going to possibly marry this guy, but can't be honest and open about the bedroom issues you two have, then can you really honestly marry him?


It could just be pre-marital jitters. That would be a good place to start.

Perhaps he's overly worried about performance. I wish my wife would tell me what she thinks of our sex life...or lack there of.


A little bit from my point of view:

I've been married for 8 years, and I have a child with my wife (who will be 9 soon). We rarely have sex of any kind. Sometimes we go a full season without any.

Don't be like us.

imho it's horrible...


Good luck on your talk. I hope this newbie here helped out a bit

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  • 1 year later...

Hi lilybud,

in short, my advice to you is: RUN!!


I was in a similar relationship as you have (although we dated ~ 2 years). At the time, my boyfriend had some problems with sex prior to marriage. He attributed his problems (i.e. impotency) to guilt due to his religious upbringing. Being young, I thought that this was probable. We even saw a counselor about it. (Not much help.) I thought that being married would change the problem and all of the sudden, he would consider me the hot sex object I wanted him to think of me as.


Wrong! Wedding night, honeymoon - no intimacy. It was a nightmare. I was very confused and very hurt.


Then, over time, my hurt changed to anger. He wouldn't address the issue.

When I caught him several times sneaking pornography, I knew that he was interested in sex, just not with me!!


I stayed with him for 12 years. We probably had sex ~ 10 times in those 12 years.


One of the worse things I have done is not to follow my gut instinct and realize that with marriage, the sex situation would never get any better.


My advice to you is to re-read what you have posted and think seriously about a life with no sex. If you can do it, then great. If you want intimacy in your marriage (or your relationship), then dump this guy. Fast.

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hi,I had the same problem with my husband,no or hardly any sex,which was really frustrating,I ended up self pleasuring myself on a regular basis,I purchased a few sex toys and dvds and that helped I great deal,but still something was missing from our relationship.But luckily one afternoon when my husband came home unexpectedly early and found me in the living room watching the porn and masturbating,things have changed unbelievabley,we now make love 4 or 5 times a week acting out what other couples are doing and many other mind blowing things ,so I'm not saying it will work for you but hey hey hey it just might x

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I had an asexual boyfriend in the past. He was just not interested in sex whatsoever. Not with women, not with men. When he told me, we already slept together. It was an explanation for a lot of things that occurred as very strange to me: that it felt as he thought of sex as some chore he had to do, the fact that we could fool around and he could suddenly stop if we had to go to work, and not find that difficult, that he didn't like passionate kisses or heavy makeout sessions (but just cuddling was fine), that he slept with underwear on (that is not necessarily a sign but I never met a guy who explicitly put his boxers ON after sex and before sleeping), he'd make strange jokes about sex, like a child who doesn't understand the concept of it. And in fact, he DOESN'T understand, he just didn't have 'that' feeling/attraction towards people.


Maybe that is the case for your bf as well. It's not a light matter. We broke up after a few months, because when he told me, it sort of went from having sex, to kissing/cuddling/sharing bed but no sex, to not spending the night, no kiss on the lips and then we were just like a brother and sister. So it ended. In retrospect, I am GLAD. Now that I have a good sexlife again, I see how much I missed it!



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