Has anyone successfully reached out to an ex

[xstar]

.. either now or in the past.

 

And by successful, I mean - didn't continuously beg, plead or break NC, healed from the break up, and contacted an ex gently like a normal person rather than emotional and frazzled dumpee. If so, how did the ex respond?

 

I'm not asking to raise hope - I'm just curious in the response.

 

I've only contacted two previous bf. The first one was my first real break up and it wasn't a successful contact at all - I was a text terrorist and he stopped responding to me. I again contacted him about three years later b/c I was in his part of the world (he left the US shortly after we broke up) and got curious, it turns out that he had moved back to the US. We actually began an email conversation going and he was very nice and curious about what I was doing, but in the middle of it, I realized I really didn't want anything to do with him and never responded. He never followed up. I can never be sure, but from the way that email was going, I think I could have negotiated a meet up if I wanted. I didn't.

 

The second ex I contacted six months after the break up. We met up (his idea) - it was weird. Got in touch with him two months later and again, met up as friends a few times. Ended up having a big fight over me flirting with a guy that ended in us getting back together. Broke up a month later because he was still exactly the same terrible person he was during the first break up - in fact, even worse (and I trapped in magical thinking). He said some of the most terrible things to me and I told him to never talk to me again. He proceeded to text/email me every few weeks for the next year until he moved away. Three months after the BU I met a wonderful guy and had very happy 1.5 year relationship.

[pl3asehelp]

No, why would you? You've found out exactly what happens if you do - there's nothing positive that will come of it.

[xstar]

No, why would you? You've found out exactly what happens if you do - there's nothing positive that will come of it.

 

Please read my post above 'I am curious' - i.e. I"m looking for people's experiences and not opinions on whether it's a good idea or not.

 

Also, I wouldnt describe my first encounter as a negative experience. Yes, I decided not to pursue it, but that's b/c I didn't want to not b/c of anything negative or upsetting that me ex told me. After speaking with him, I realized I really don't care - however, that doesn't make the experience negative.

[pl3asehelp]

Please read my post above 'I am curious' - i.e. I"m looking for people's experiences and not opinions on whether it's a good idea or not.

 

Also, I wouldnt describe my first encounter as a negative experience. Yes, I decided not to pursue it, but that's b/c I didn't want to not b/c of anything negative or upsetting that me ex told me. After speaking with him, I realized I really don't care - however, that doesn't make the experience negative.

 

My opinion is based on experience and has been just like yours. It was a waste of my time - time I could have spent doing other things that would have actually had some benefit to me. I didn't say negative - I just said nothing positive would come of it, which you're agreeing with.

[Tom1990]

I'm pretty much friends with all my exes, as in going out for cheeseburgers and beer with her and her husband and their 2-year-old boy, catching up on old times and stuff. I've never had a reason not to. First girlfriend it took about 6-7 years apart and major life-changing experiences. Another girlfriend was more like, "Hey wanna do something?" "Sure." Third girlfriend has major issues so that's going to take work. But I seem to have different experiences with exes than most people.

[xstar]

My opinion is based on experience and has been just like yours. It was a waste of my time - time I could have spent doing other things that would have actually had some benefit to me. I didn't say negative - I just said nothing positive would come of it, which you're agreeing with.

 

Nothing personal - but after reading tons of threads, I find that a lot of people find closure and learn from other people's experiences, not opinions. I'm gathering that 99.9% of people here will think that its a bad a idea - myself included. Hence why I'm not asking.. is it a good idea. I am simply curious about people's experiences. i.e. I did this and this, and the result was this.

 

Reading other people's stories makes it much easier for me to decide for myself how to move on - rather than simply having someone say "its a waste of time" without any understand of their thought process or what led them to that conclusion.

 

Thanks.

[xstar]

I'm pretty much friends with all my exes, as in going out for cheeseburgers and beer with her and her husband and their 2-year-old boy, catching up on old times and stuff. I've never had a reason not to. First girlfriend it took about 6-7 years apart and major life-changing experiences. Another girlfriend was more like, "Hey wanna do something?" "Sure." Third girlfriend has major issues so that's going to take work. But I seem to have different experiences with exes than most people.

 

That is different! I have a guy friend just like you... he has no problem keeping in touch with any ex, even when they broke up with him.

[Tom1990]

Heh, funny story time. The second girlfriend we were only sorta-kinda dating for a few weeks, but it was a lot of fun, and I was sad it didn't work out. She was always awkward around me after that, and I kept trying to keep things friendly, to no avail. We even tried to hang out with mutual friends. She wanted everything to be cool, but just couldn't cross that threshold. Well, I was sound asleep one night, when I heard a shout. "TOM WAKE UP, ALAN'S IN JAIL!" (Alan is a mutual friend.) I just sorta rolled out of bed, her hair was in cornrows and she was wearing her sweatpants inside-out. I stumbled accross the room to pick up my jeans, she averted her eyes, I just went "Bluhhhh you seen me in my underwear before what the f...." Got dressed, we bailed our friend out of jail, and took turns scolding him about drinking and driving. And we've been great ever since.

 

I told Alan about this many years later, and the only thing I thought waking up in the middle of the night back then was, "YAY she's speaking to me again!"

[SAButterfly]

I tried to reach out to my ex twice (I was the dumpee, but he is very passive and avoidant- I had to make the first move in the relationship). The first email was two months after the breakup and he just responded by throwing himself a pity party and blaming me for everything. (He was obviously still bitter and angry for some reason and never asked how I was). The second time I reached out was a month ago and he responded, but again, had no desire to talk to me or care how I was doing. That was the last time. So for me, it wasn't a good outcome.

[xstar]

SA - I'm sorry to hear that. I guess after the first email, there was no point in reaching out the second time?

[SAButterfly]

Well, I thought he might have cooled off after 3.5 months after the breakup (i.e. second email) but no such luck. And the thing is, he had no real reason to be angry with me- he dumped me! I think it was his way of dealing with his emotions and justifying his decision. At least the second time around I saw that it was definitely over with no hope of reconciling. Now I just have to get through all the grief and get on with life.

[xstar]

^ I think the book make up don't break might help you.

 

It talks about men and their trouble dealing with emotions and guilt. Sometimes men need to pull away for whatever reason (they need space, they don't love you, they don't want to be in a relationship - sometimes these reasons are legit and sometimes they are not) and they react with anger and guilt. The book is eye opening for me on the pathetic nature of men (sorry guys - I'm not referring to the ones on here) and how in many ways, I'm lucky to be a woman and in touch with my emotions although they might cause me temporary pain.

[Love1336]

Hmm... so far... my ex ex of three years.

After a year and six months. I broke contact on his birthday. From there we been talking.

He's even been my rebound, but I am afraid, he's falling in love with me again.

Blahh.

He's so immature, and still same man I fall in love with, but I have grown. I am PASS drama! He's totally NOT.

Sometimes, he still brings up b.s that happens OVER FOUR years AGO. I am like 'what? huh? I don't remember."

[ks1986]

The only time reaching out worked was when it worked RIGHT after a breakup, between hours and maybe 3 days. That's why when you break up you say your piece, get everything out then just back off. If putting yourself out there is going to work, it's going to work right away or probably not at all. Eventually it gets to the point where coming back is about them discovering that they want to come back to you on their own.

[drmcsugar]

The only time reaching out worked was when it worked RIGHT after a breakup, between hours and maybe 3 days. That's why when you break up you say your piece, get everything out then just back off. If putting yourself out there is going to work, it's going to work right away or probably not at all. Eventually it gets to the point where coming back is about them discovering that they want to come back to you on their own.

 

I concur. An ex of 2-year of mine broke up with me, I begged, I contacted, I cried, I rationalized, yet still he left, yet drove to my house at midnight and said he wasn't ready to have me disappear from his life yet. It happened a few times this way, he always came back. Then our last break-up, I just cared less, I gave him more space like he asked (2 weeks-a month) then broke contact. Too late, he was already determined to move on. I realized I was so tired of all the begging and constant breakups, so I just... stopped, now I wish I had tried harder. In fact, we did get back together for a week after that "last" time breaking up, but I couldn't stand how sensitive things were between us, I brought up the "talk" and he admitted he couldn't do it anymore.

[SAButterfly]

Thanks xstar! That definitely sounds like my ex. I'll check out that book.

[Lightning87]

Me and my ex (that broke up with me AGAIN 3 weeks ago), when we broke up the first time we went 2 weeks NC and then he text with his new number. Text a week later saying about meeting up and then I ended up bumping into him on a night out and we got back together.

 

I doubt that we will reconcile this time but it did happen for us at one point. I think if you do, you need to make sure that everything that went wrong the first time, doesn't happen again otherwise you will forever be in a cycle of getting back together, breaking up and getting back together.

[Love1336]

I concur. An ex of 2-year of mine broke up with me, I begged, I contacted, I cried, I rationalized, yet still he left, yet drove to my house at midnight and said he wasn't ready to have me disappear from his life yet. It happened a few times this way, he always came back. Then our last break-up, I just cared less, I gave him more space like he asked (2 weeks-a month) then broke contact. Too late, he was already determined to move on. I realized I was so tired of all the begging and constant breakups, so I just... stopped, now I wish I had tried harder. In fact, we did get back together for a week after that "last" time breaking up, but I couldn't stand how sensitive things were between us, I brought up the "talk" and he admitted he couldn't do it anymore.

 

If you don't mind me asking... why the constant break up?

[Love1336]

The only time reaching out worked was when it worked RIGHT after a breakup, between hours and maybe 3 days. That's why when you break up you say your piece, get everything out then just back off. If putting yourself out there is going to work, it's going to work right away or probably not at all. Eventually it gets to the point where coming back is about them discovering that they want to come back to you on their own.

 

Nope! Don't believe!

I guess for "first" time breaking up... but after 6th and 7th time that doesn't work anymore.

[markie6]

Once with a letter I had sent a week or so after BU , heartfelt appology and acknowledgement of things I had done wrong and what she had meant to me. She read it maybe 8-9 months later while going through some trauma or another. We met one morning for coffee at her place , talked over stuff but she was in a bad place emotionally. I was still not fully healed , but on the way. I wasn't with anybody else but I was past the point of no return.

 

So in a way I had gotten her to reach out to me but I wouldn't have reached out to her. If the letter hadn't been sent I feel sure she would have forgotten me or at least she wouldn't have had a reminder of better days to read.

 

As dumper, no, never regretted any decsions, so need to reach out, but have always been friendly enough... but indifferent to any returning to look me up. As dumpee , I have always tried to leave a good impression behind, with no bitter / twisted up final messages. I wouldn't be reaching out to anybody who made me feel I wasn't good enough.