11 years together..10 months apart...now she calls and says

[needhelp112692]

K here is my story briefly...we dated for 11 years and were engaged..she left because she feel like she didnt get to live her life and i held her back and she wasn't "inlove" anymore......she is now 26 and im 29........

 

She called me 3 nights ago and says the following........" I called because I heard a song on the radio and it reminds me of you....."My Boo"...from Usher........then she continues to say.....I'm not trying to say I wanna get back together but.....I still love you and always will...and I miss you alot and we were together since we were kids and im sorry i hurt you...and i know if i saw you with another girl it would kill me cause i look at you like you are mine still....she also mentioned she passed by my house to see if she would catch a glimpse of me outside.

 

She then proceeded to say she does have a boyfriend of 2 months now......and we are going to see eachother sometime nextweek so she can see "our dog" that she hasn't seen for almost a year...............I still love her and would be back with her even though alot went down at the end of the relationship and alot of lines have been crossed.......BUT..... I dont know what her intensions are.....does she just wanna be friends......does she wanna come back.......did she see that she will never find what we had out there ( which she did admitt to)...is she just looking to see if she can get me back for her confidence?......................how should i play this as to not seem to needy and screw it up........ladies ..men ....i nead advice.....thanks

[guy40az]

That seems extremely similar to my situation. If she has a BF now it seems to me she has moved on. I would venture to guess that she doesn't want to see you move on. As long as she is seeing someone else I would be really careful about having any contact with her the less you have the better believe me.

 

My advice would be not to see her, the thing that could happen is it will set you back and you will have to go through the pain of the breakup again.

[darealshady86]

yeah listen my girlfriend of 1 year started seeing a guy the day after we brokeup... 2 weeks later she calls me saying how much she loves me and misses me and wants to try bla bla,... then i break down and say how much i love her n then she says she doesnt know who she wants me or him. she just switched all of it in the means of 5 minutes i think bc she found out i wanted her back to... girls want to move on but dont want you to move on.. just be careful

[darealshady86]

yeah listen my girlfriend of 1 year started seeing a guy the day after we brokeup... 2 weeks later she calls me saying how much she loves me and misses me and wants to try bla bla,... then i break down and say how much i love her n then she says she doesnt know who she wants me or him. she just switched all of it in the means of 5 minutes i think bc she found out i wanted her back to... girls want to move on but dont want you to move on.. just be careful

[needhelp112692]

i agree with what you guys are saying...but just dont know what to do...i mean she is the one who called me and she is the one who wants to seeme......she also said (joking) oh yeah i bet you are the one who keeps having them play song on the radio..it is all part of your plan?...im like what plan...she is like.......to make me love you again..so then you can tell me to F*^K off........i really dont know what to do...i mean 11 years is along time...we lived together...I was her first......we almost had a baby together...i mean there is alot involved...I just dont wanna see her and try to get back ....just to be burned again....cause i was hurt alot.

[guy40az]

Yes 11 years is a very long time was married for 11 years and just broke up 6 months ago and she is still not letting me move on every time I get to point where I am doing better she has to start with her crap again but it is really best just to move on I know it is a lot easer said then done It is actually the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

[Francis]

Long term relationships are serious matters. You don't just "move on" so easily. It is better to try to mend a relationship than miss the person forever. It all depends, however, on how the relationship was.

 

If you had a great relationship and you guys are very compatible, I encourage you to work on the relationship. It is not that easy to meet another person that will be so compatible with you.

 

Just my two cents. Take care!

[Michael2]

Be careful with this.

 

For one, she broke your heart. I do not know the details of your breakup, but I suppose she hurt you. Do not look too deep into this. She may only being calling you to see if she can still mess around with your head. She may want to see how you were. She may , she may.,... it does not matter.

 

What matters is this. She has to do more then leave a voice mail with vague feelings. Many times people will do this. She may be lonely, and in turn she calls you, because she thinks you will still make her feel better. Its not a guarantee, but I bet, if you two do talk she will act wishy washy and bring back all the hurt.

 

Its not easy, but she is your past. Move on.

[Vert]

I agree with Michael2. This appears to be the classic phone call drug -- a quick hit to make her feel better about herself. She might be searching for validation from you now that she's dating someone new (maybe she wants your consent?) or she might see something that her current bf lacks that you had and it's making her want to come back? I don't know for sure, but for now I agree that you should play her off and not bow to the desire to plead for her back.

 

I honestly believe she's looking for validation from you or she's trying to keep you as her safety net. I think it is true that girls, more than guys, want to move on quickly while keeping their men cornered. I am not sexist here, it just my opinion based on first-hand experience and friends' stories. Also, just look at this board -- I'd venture a guess that over 70% of the posts about "we were young, dating for a while, now she wants 'space' and time to 'experience life'" are from guys about their ex-gfs. It seems more and more than the young girls and not young guys are pushing the marriage age higher and higher. When my friends asked how old my ex-gf is now and I told them (she's 22), they would say "oh well, yea, she's too young man and doesn't know what she wants" (both guys and girls say this to me). I've never heard that line applied to a guy around 22 that broke up with his gf at that age. Sorry for the vent...

[idontgetit]

quick reply to vert...i don't think it's a girl thing, i think it's something that has become endemic to our society. people don't take relationships and marriage seriously anymore. it's so much easier to jump ship than to sit and work on something. i think most people think relationships are supposed to be really easy, and while they should be most of the time, everyone hits bumps and if you really love the person, you should be willing to work on those bumps, assuming there is nothing fundamentally wrong like abuse, lying, etc. anyhow, that was my chance to vent too.... and btw, i'm a girl and i'm on the receiving end of "needing space...blah blah blah"

[needhelp112692]

Hey thanks for all the comments and I agree with what alot of what you guys are saying......it's just.......I dunno it just doesn't make sense to me............if she has a bf why call me?.........why tell me that she misses me and will always love me?....she can say that to her bestfriends ya know.......why does she say she wants so see me...if she has a boyfriend.....i mean the whole thing is just throwing me for a loop

[shockeddismayed]

needhelp,

 

I think people are telling you EXACTLY why she might be doing it: Some girls just can't let their EX go, especially if they are in a new relationship (or about to start one) and are feeling insecure.

 

I'm not saying this is what your EX is doing, but it is a classic for a girl to phone up their EX just as they are feeling most vulnerable. A new relationship brings up a lot of old issues and feelings, so they get scared. They worry the new guy may not love them the way you did, or realize that he doesn't have X and Y quality that you did... whatever the reason, they get worried that breaking up with you was a mistake, and they call you to see if you are still around to catch them if and when they fall.

 

BE CAREFUL.

 

I was in a similar situation to you, my EXGF and I were together for 7 years, shopping for rings (right down to a sizing apointment) when she pulled the plug 7 months ago. She's been stringing me along for months, and she called me up last week to go out for coffee, she started talking about getting back together with me, working out our problems, and the moment I show interest she starts talking about how confused she is, and is still deciding between me and some other guy.

 

If I were you, I'd tread very carefully. You could call her back, make plans, and then gracefully backout and say "something came up, perhaps in a few weeks" Let her lead things and wait to see if she calls you back for another appoinment. If she doesn't, you can be sure she was just fishing for an emotional "hit".

 

If you do end up going, be sure you are the one giving 10% of the information and emotion to the meeting, and she is giving 90%. You are there to LISTEN, nothing more. Anything you think you want to say, can probably best be saved for the next meeting (if there is one).

 

Good luck

[needhelp112692]

shocked&dismayed...

 

 

WOW thanks alot...you have given alot of insight and i think you are probably correct...just sad though that people need to play these games........i mean after all the wrong she did to me in the end of the relationship.....i would still be willing to work things out..but I think you guys may be right..which really saddens me and makes me wish she didn't even call..........i'll keep you guys posted on what is going on thanks for all the help I really appreciate it..........Chris

[kipster]

Need help, I stopped reading this post where I ended the quote, she's told you (and me) all that I need to know. I was in a 7+ year relationship with an EX and after telling me she's moved on and let alone is with another guy WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED TO HEAR TO TELL YOU WHERE SHE'S AT? If she loved you, honestly, it would be you she's with not him and I hate to sound blunt. Actually, she's quite comical with the audacity to call you and then mention another man's name on your voicemail? That takes Balls! I wouldn't do that to my EX and she broke up with me ! In your case, and in my own, when my EX calls, I don't even listen to the voice mails any longer I simply delete them as they come in. No need. What's she going to tell me that I don't already know? She doesn't want to be with me and that she only wants to be friends? You don't have to tell me that twice, I get it. So if you don't want to be with me, there's no need for us to speak or communicate and I wish you and the new guy all the best as I'd hope she'd wish me and the new girl the same.

 

That's the funny thing, just wait until the pendulum swings and that new guy loses his luster and you're happy with the next woman and then she's alone and says to you, why are you acting differently toward me? Why don't you call me anymore? Its funny how things change, but for her don't torture yourself. And don't accept her calls, if you hear her voice or her number, erase them and save yourself the agony. You can't hurt over something you haven't heard. Don't do that to yourself, you don't deserve it.

 

Let her sing 'my boo' to the new guy, while you sarinade the new woman when its your time to shine playboy! She's happy now, but patience, humility and faith will make you the winner in the long run when you meet that woman that appreciates you and won't get 'thin' when the situation gets 'thick'.

 

Stay strong,

 

Kip

[jurupa]

You should keep the vist as short as possible. You should also keep her from exploring your pad as much as possible. The reason for this is that she will look for signs that you have moved on. If you have back yard and a side gate that accesses the backyard you should take her thru the gate to the back yard so the dog and her and reunite. Be ready for her to ask to come in the house and say no (make up some excuse, like the house is dirty or your cleaning). Also this may be hard for you, but do your best to show no interest in her what so ever. If she sees any hint of interest from you in her she will know that she has you connered and you haven't moved on.

[needhelp112692]

UPDATE****

 

After about a week of not hearing from her...she called and left a message crying because she was getting pulled over and needed someone to talk to....I didnt take the call but sent her an email saying " you should really be calling your boyfriend if you are upset and not me"...that was tuesday...got no responce from the email

 

Today I decided to text message her " i love you" ( probably a bad idea)...she texts me back..."was that meant for me?"............I write back " yes and it always has been"...............she writes..." wow it is really ironic you sent that to me, im flabergasted is all i can say"....................I asked " whats ironic"..............she said " i'll tell oyu later"........

 

So she calls me around 6 pm on her way home from work and i aske what was ironic.......she said " well today my horoscope said a old love will contact you to try to reunite"...........she then says " I just broke up with that guy yesterday".................

 

I had these cd's for her and asked if she wanted to get them....cd's I made for her of song that remind me of us.............she said ok...............she met me at the school by my house..... and it was def weird seeing her again after 8 months..............we had a big strong hug and she started to cry.....she said she is all emotional because her period is coming next week................anyways we had some small talk....and i was holding her in my arms for a few mins and asked if i could giver her a hello "peck"...so i gave her a peck on the lips and went in for the kill(tongue)..........she pulled back and said " this is weird i cant kiss you like that i havent seen you in so long"............so we talked for another 10 mins or so and she got in her car and before she left i leaned in the car to give her a peck goodbye....well i pecked her ...she pecked back....then it turned into a full blown romantic passionate make out, like a movie kiss......i said " ok i'll talk to you soon" and she said " ok I'll call you".....................................................she also said when we were hugging that she is confused...i said about what .....she said "well about you ...this other guy...."......i didnt even touch that comment.................well I havent heard from her yet...................................................what do you guys think.....................................could this mean she wants to get back together............i mean she did agree to meet me to get cd's i made for her and def kissed me a great kiss goodbye and say how much she misses me.....or could this be her, just seeing if i still care.................i mean she knows i am currently hanging out with this other girl ( not exclusive though)..........any input would def help guys.............thanks

[kipster]

Needhelp, BE VERY CAREFUL HERE! I know this SOUNDS GOOD, but I'm telling you you could be your own rebound in this instance. This girl is looking for someone to cling to and what if the new guy comes back and realizes his folly and makes a push? Then you start back at square 1 all over again. Her statement about this being 'confusing' you and the 'new guy' sounds shaky. She's got alot of emotion going (e.g., break-up, menstrual cycle, etc.) and the peck is probably spinning her out of control. She's looking for someone to latch onto. But if its only a rebound sitch, it may glitter but it won't be gold, since once she gains perspective she may resent you for trying to move toward her when she was vulnerable. The key would be to have her come to you on her own accord. Not to be guilted into it or have (her) believe that you took advantage of her when she was down. And if he broke up with her, then it would be amazing how Karma works and how rebounds DO NOT. Another textbook case. I just say, protect your heart. DO YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH WHAT YOU'VE ALREADY GONE THROUGH AGAIN? That would be a disaster and even tougher to overcome. Just be cautious, trust me.

 

Kip

[shockeddismayed]

Needhelp,

 

Let me start by saying "been there and done that".

 

You'll remember that my EXGF of 7 years and I *almost* worked things out. But didn't. I went the whole summer with about 4-5 meetings like the one you just had.... yes there were mad, passionate kisses.... there were promises that the other guy was out of the picture... there was talk about getting back together (from her side),... ALL OF THOSE THINGS.

 

I say again BE CAREFUL.

 

It is just as likely that she is just looking for support. Remember, it was YOU who has initiated any of the romantic stuff... YOU said I love you... YOU made the CDs.... YOU moved in for a kiss.... All she has done is reciprocate with some confusion.

 

My advice? BACK RIGHT OFF, RIGHT NOW.

 

I mean it.

 

You have given her all that she needs to make a decision in your favour. You've reminded her that she can be attracted to you... you've shown her that you aren't being judgemental, etc. In fact there are some who will say you have ALREADY given too much.

 

Back off and let her make the decision to try again.

 

And DON'T give in easily. DO make her jump some hoops and PROVE her intentions to you.

 

I know, I know, this sounds so terrible... it sounds like game playing..... Your EXGF was a well adjusted, mature girl and she wouldn't mis-represent herself like that. I know you want the storybook... that you think you can just respond to her calls and sweep her back off her feet.

 

I'm really sorry, but that is NOT what you should do. She has TOLD YOU she is confused. You ARE NOT confused. A healthy relationship starts on equal footing, and the two of you ARE NOT there as a couple.

 

Let her get on solid ground.... let her make a DECISION to pursue you. Once she does, she will be sure about it, and will volunteer to PROVE IT to you.

 

Don't give any more of yourself until she gets to that point. If you do, you could cause her to run (b/c she smells that you are "SURE" and she is confused.... she will run so that she doesn't risk going through the pain of hurting you again), or worse yet, you could get her back only because of her own weakness and emotional turmoil. If you do that, it won't last, as she'll still think of it as YOU seducing her, and YOU stealing her freedom of choice from her (remember her words at the breakup? This will come out again 5 years from now).

 

Let her chase you down. You deserve AT LEAST that after what she put you through.

[_Ramirez_]

I know I go against most of the advices posted so far and I know it might not be the best thing to protect yourself from another heart break but maybe you should give this relationship another chance.

 

By going out with someone else she might have realised how good you are for her and she now regret not being with you. You know what you have only when you truly lose it. She must be as scared as you right now. Whats 2 months agains 11 years anyway, maybe the "other guy" was there just long enough for her to realize how much she loves you. She might even have dumped him because she tought that there was a chance for you to want her back... It must have been really hard for her to call you back after a year, not knowing what was waiting for her. She must have felt a real need to talk to you.

 

Some things are worth a second chance. Some love never die. Maybe you should give this a try and stop fearing getting hurt. We all got hurt someday anyway, might as well be by trying to be happy. Don't rush into it, take your time and sort things out.

[needhelp112692]

OK******

 

Here is what I think I'm gonna do.....................I think I am going to write her a letter something to the effect......"listen I really need to know what your intensions are here......I mean if you are thinking of possibly getting back together...then I will talk with you about that..........but....if your intensions are to just be friends or anything other than getting back together I really dont think it is a good idea to speak again............(she also knows i am seeing another girl so i want to add)....I really need to know which direction I should be going ...because if you and I are going to talk about getting back together than that is fine....but...if not .....I need to know because I am with this girl who i do care about and am close to starting a more seriuos relationship with.....................what do you guys think?..................thanks again

[JohnnyTable]

I would not write that letter. It puts pressure on her. She does not know what she wants. If she feels pressured, I have a feeling that I know which way should would go.

 

She said that she would call you right? I'd go into NC mode until then.

 

My ex did the same sort of crap with me when she was emotionally vulnerable. Kissing, talking about getting back together, etc. Then she disappeared.

[shockeddismayed]

I certainly agree with most of what ramirez says, she COULD be realizing what she's lost.

 

And I agree some loves never die.

 

All I am saying is that:

1) she needs to prove it to you.

2) you can't put pressure on her....

 

My advice. Don't expend ANY emotional energy on this until the time comes. I agree with Johnny table... she is still confused. When she is no longer confused, she will come running back. And when she is RUNNING it would be obvious... right now all she is doing is testing the system... or if you'd like to be optimistic, warming up for the race.

 

There is no need to try and manipulate her process, or encourage her.... she needs to do this alone.

 

Just keep your space for a while.

 

And don't send that letter.

[needhelp112692]

k guys i wont you are right.....it's just that it is hard for me in the waiting phase..and wondering what her intensions are..ya know..pluss hard to advance in my new relationship(sorta) not knowing wht the deal is ..ya know