How to Recognise A Misplaced Sense of Loyalty and Commitment

[Silverbirch]

Hi,

I don't think this is happening for me right now, but it's something I was reminded of that I did in previous relationships.

 

I was thinking that if I could go meet myself as I was, especially in a 10 year relationship which ended around 6 years ago, I wasted 10 years of my life staying with someone out of what I thought then was a sense of loyalty - I did actually love him - at the time. It ended badly because he turned into a really ugly cheater and not nice person. Still, I blamed his bipolar and told myself he was going to get well and get back to being "himself" when the doctors got the medications right and he complied with taking them.

 

If I could go back and meet myself, SLAP, SLAP, SLAP AND BIG KICK UP THE ARSE.

 

Yes, I wasted 10 years through "commitment and loyalty". I was engaged to him. What a joke.

 

One of the worst aspects which makes me cringe at my choices was that I've remembered there were other men interested in me - one of them ten times better looking than the ex, and so much nicer as a person. Even more cringe worthy, he was gaga over me.

 

I promise myself that I will never do that to myself again.

 

Right now, I am happy. I don't need to be with another person - I do however like being around people of both sexes. I'm a people's person and right now, I'm enjoying life. I recently became aware that there are 2 other tall, handsome men who have come into my life who are very interested in me. I am NEVER going to lie down and want to die like I have in the past again when a relationship has ended, especially as mine have ended badly, and me full of regrets.

 

I've seen posts on ENA where I see myself as I was in the past, and part of me goes out to those people. I know where they are coming from, and I know that when you are in it, you can't see how you are throwing away your life. I hope this post can help at least one person. It certainly helps me.

[broken1414]

Amen Silverbirch! This post brought a big grin to my face! It's like "YAY! There's the light at the end of the tunnel!" I can relate soooooo much to this post. Just over a year ago I broke up with my ex of 5 years. FIVE YEARS I wasted thinking he would just get better, that he would just quit drinking one day, that life would be good again, that all the horrible things I lived through were just a phase. In your own words, "WHAT A JOKE!" AND....same thing, I look back and remember the few really good looking guys who were actually really nice people, who were really gaga over me that I let slip away because I was "committed" and "loyal"....and when it all inevitably went up in smoke that feeling that you describe so well as lying down and wanting to die, full of regrets. OUCH!! The pain we put ourselves through sometimes!! CRAZY! And it's true, when you are living it, you just can't see it. Tragic if you ask me. But I guess all you can do is hope and pray for all those people out there who are in similar situations, that they too will see that light, and find the courage somewhere inside them to stand up for themselves and leave, and that they too can one day look back and say "What a joke."

 

Thank you for this post!

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Broken! How heartening for me also to read your reply - you having been through the same, come through it somehow, and arrived at the same page (in a literal sense too). It's like waking up from a long sleep, taking off the blinkers and seeing things in such a different light.

 

Most of the posts on this particular board are from people desperate for the person they love to commit to them, and I suppose I have done a 360 degree turn to the realisation that I - We all owe it to ourselves to become extremely discerning of who WE commit ourselves too. I feel a genuine sense of self which I lost (albeit temporarily) in previous relationships ESPECIALLY in THAT one. Life is short and precious and not to be wasted.

 

Broken, I currently have a man in my life and I'm quite happy. There have been a couple of bumps, but nothing like what I have experienced previously, and I know that IF he went down a similar path to that partner, I'd be off like a shot. I'm surprised too that I have been asked out in recent times more than I ever expected in the past, and the type of men I attract are NOTHING like him. I went along to work today (yes, it's a public holiday with good pay rates). There is a man at work who I have known at least 8 years. He would be one of the most popular people that I know in the organisation. He has done a lot of nice things for a lot of people, is very funny and clever and generally a nice person. He has never married, semi-devoutly practises a faith, and works really hard. He asked me out today!!! I might catch up with him sometime for a coffee or a meal. I got asked out less than a week ago by another man - a 25 year friend of a friend who I'm told is also a very nice person.

 

Each time after my breakups, I used to feel like I could never love anybody again, and nobody would ever love me. With the blinkers off, I see that it is actuall raining men. An old lady used to say to me a long time ago, "Men are like trains, if you miss one, don't worry, another will be along soon." I used to always laugh when she said that, but she was happy woman.

 

Having been with an alcoholic, you might find this funny. When I went to present man in my life's house for the first time, I noticed that he had unopened bottles of wine in his kitchen which had cobwebs over them. They had been give to him years ago and he hadn't ever bothered to drink them. So far I have never seen him drink though he tells me he really enjoys a beer - about twice a year. He told me that he got drunk and made a fool of himself on New Year's Eve 1999-2000, and was so embarrassed and sick the next, he hasn't been drunk since. There was a time that I would have found it hard to believe that there are men who alcohol has no meaning for. To top this off, the first thing my grown-up (heterosexual) son said to me when he saw this man was: "Gee Mum, he's a handsome dude." . . . AND HE IS. He is the best-looking man I have ever been with and so far at least, has the most substance to his personality.

 

Good luck Broken. I feel that having arrived at were you and I both are, that we both have some great times ahead of us. XXX