Time is pain

[Alistair]

Um, I've never done this kinda thing before but I think i need to. I kinda went out with this girl (X) for a few months. She always insisted that she never wanted a boyfriend which I said was fine with me. But I really wanted more and eventually had to (painfully) break it off with her. I really missed her for a while but assumed it would pass. I started seeing someone else (Y) who adores me but, unfortunately, it has made me realise that I'm actually in love with X. Im 19 and have never been in love before but Im pretty sure I am - It f**king hurts! She has a boyfriend now and we still kinda keep in contact. I cant talk to anyone about as I find it hard to open cause I've always lived by the rule "knowledge is power". I honestly dont know what to do. I have to break up with Y but she is a very good friend and I don't know how to do it without telling her the truth as I think it would really hurt her. But X is my main concern. It's been four months since we stopped seeing each other- Do I tell her how i feel? Do I avoid her? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[brandos lovechild]

hi ali . im 19 as well and i got your exact problem. your right , it really f**king hurts when the person u r in luv wiv doesn't feel the same..and im afraid it takes ( well it took me ) ages 2 start sorting myself out. there is an old phrase that says " the heart doesn't grieve what the eye doesn't see". this means dont chase after her or go the same places she does or call her.. the only thing worse than losing someone,is to be reminded every now and then what u r missing ! Fortunately though, it's well known that once every bloke has his heart kicked out of his rear end, his attitude changes for the better. i know guys that have been shat on by the woman they love,and from then subconsciously adopt a " i could care less" attitude towards women. this is good cos girls luv a challenge and it means we won't get tortured again. if u happen to pass her again, the best thing you can do is just raise your eyebrows at her in a ' hello' manner and keep walkin. don't hug her and shit like that cos then u r tellin her that she cud av u at any time, which is bad 4 u cos then she'd av no respect 4ya. i know u r feelin like crap at the minute but stop communicating with her if u can, YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS " LETS BE FRIENDS" ZONE, BECAUSE YOU DONT WANT TO BE HER FRIEND....you want more remember. good luck buddy. hope i helped.

[charlotte_skye]

Hiya,

i sympathize with you deeply, i too have been in the same position and my only advice to give you is this.....

your at a two way at the moment you can either tell her how you feel or not.....

I when in this position wa sliek you and found it hard to open up and was scared to weaken to it but I found that with time the problem never lessened i still wondered about him, we also kept in touch and i just never felt i had closure because i never told him how i really felt....

i dont know about you for sure but with me it took a yr and a half to finally realize i had to tell him to be able to move on, so i told him, he said he had felt the same but alot of things changed during this time, one being i had moved abroad.

you need to tell her, you will find it so much harder to move on if you dont, you say your in love with her, that just doesnt go away especially espcially if you dont deal with it and instead just ignore it!!

if you tell her , sure she may say she doesnt love you anymore and you may feel rejected but atleast then you will knwo where you stand know that you tried and know theres no other way but to move on.

but if you decide to not tell her and just try to move on im sure youll find it much harder to , if you ever do and if later decide you need to tell her to move on as i did, you may find its too late..then enternally regret that.

at first it takes alot to say how yoou feel especially when you may be testin a friendship or somehting but any feleing you have is valid and i think if you feel something you should tell them, dont assume how they will react, and know this if you tell her atleast you have nothing to regret later in life and you were honest for yourself and you can become stronger for it. what have you got to loose? if you dont tell her , you may loose something you dont realize you have the potential to have maybe.

trust me once you tell her youll feel soo much better. you can always move on if you have to later......take care good luck

[brandos lovechild]

really,really,REALLY do not tell her you love her !! im sorry charlotte, but if this guy tells her he loves her,(while she has a boyfriend) she will definitely, 100% positively say back to him..." oww that's so sweet,u r such a lovely guy,and any girl would be mad to not fall in love with you...but you know i got a boyfriend right?" THERE YOU GO.. he has been rejected,and secretly she loses respect for him bcos he has taken so long to get over her !! Ali , women always seem to give this "tell her how you feel" advice but it NEVER EVER pays off, believe me. u r gonna have to be strong for the meantime,and keepin busy is important. it's the difference between progress,and what you DON'T want....regress. stay strong. 8)

[charlotte_skye]

Dear Alistir and brando...

thats ok brando your post is only your opinion anda different point of view ...

Alistair i hope your going ok, be strong, one thing i knwo for ABSOLUTE sure is that is does get easier, when i was in love n got my heart broken it took a year and a half so it may take a long time and you cant rush it but just ride with the punches.

I have to say though i really disagree with you brando , i know and i apologise for all those wicked girls out there you really can be so deciveing, its awful sometime si think were worse then guys and in lots of ways we can be., but then again it comes down to the venus and mars things, maybe we both have our insecurities cos were so different..who knows.

anyways sure if you tell her she MAY say al those things and reject you but if she does what doe sit matter , the only thing that may matter is that yoiu let her know its takeing you awhile to get over her but seriously thats pathetic thing to worry about, its immature and youcan be stronger then this i know you can! ive lowered myself before and it is scary but every time i have been surprised and those times where i didnt get the respone i wanted sure i may have been ambarassed but i was stronger and more capable cos of it and theres a way to do it.....if you wnat to tell her tell her that what you fel tyou had was special and you know you should move on but she never gave yu closure and so ask her how she feels and say to her you can reject me cos allim hoping for ot of this is to know how you feel so i can move on either with you or without you.

make it so it isnt bout her and more about you. you can take the easier path i garunteee though you will always wonder and wil take longer to get over her, sooooo many people go on the rebound how do you knwo she isnt on a rebound and missing you???

I guess brando sees it as you should just move and and then yuo dont have to worry about it, yuou can do that it will ensure you no rejection OR you can tell her show her your strong and not afraid to say how you feel cos even if you HATE someone and your mean ot them and if all they do in return is be nice to you, you dont really larf at them you think to yourself how amaizng they to stil l be able to be nice to you..dont you? i do! i think we all do. so even if she doesnt want to be with you and you tell her if your just so honest and say you need this im sure she would understand, if she doesnt shes a bitch anyways.......its up to you......i so hope you well and the best advice anyone can give is do what you feel you wnat to do cos thats what you need to do cos if you dont do what is naggin at you to do you wont let go of it til you do.......take care...charlotte, let me know how u go!!

[charlotte_skye]

AHHHHHHHHHHH thats twice now ive forgotten to tell you the most important thing!!!!!

a few yrs back i htink about 3 or 4 my cousin was going out with this guy with whom i became really good friends with , one night he wastelling me all bout his first love( my cousin stormed outta room) but still and showed me how he had kept all these things in a box that reminded him of her...they had been together a yr but she moved back to the phillipines and it had been about 2 yrs since they had seen each other.

he was asyaing how she was comng over to visit family and how he would love to see her again but knew it had been a long time that they had fallen out etc etc.....

i larfed at him and told himsimilar t what i have told you cept i hadnt had my love experience then but stil lbelieved even thne you should tell them.....he saw her and he told her..that night he came to my house n wouldnt stop huggin me.......2 weeks later they were engaged! i was her maid of honor even tho we had never met before but i couldnt accept as i was going overseas, ive seen jamie ( the guy) sonce i got back form travelling and he says all his wedding day he thought about me and still every time i se ehi he thanks me hahaha......maybe i should get him to write u??? haha nwyays trust your instinct as jamie did.........that way you wil always be doing the right thing

[Alistair]

Thank you. I guess I have a decision to make. Rock on!!

[brandos lovechild]

hiya ali and charlotte, i'm really drawn to this post and whatever you decide to do ali i wish you all the luck in the world. this is the last time i'll reply i think i don't want to start a war on methods of getting closure. so you are standing opposite this girl and revealing your bottled-up feelings about her,and against your wildest expectations she says " i'm so glad you told me this i haven't been able to get you out of my mind either". you come to an arrangement, she's gonna lose her boyfriend and go out with you instead...this is what you wanted right? BUT WOULD YOU WANT THIS PERSON? So ali,you have the integrity to break up with girl (y) bcos ur feelings for (x) have not diminished, while (x) is so backward she has been USING another guy as a front to protect the feelings she has always had for you right? this isn't a movie...in the real world girls give you buying signals if they're interested in you..girl's who want a guy, don't say in the beginning " i like you but not for a boyfriend". what has changed since then except she has got a boyfriend ( who will probs be very pissed if he finds out someone has been confessing his undying love to his girl). charlotte , i'm not encouraging him to avoid rejection, im simply saying stay realistic. Revealing your feelings to her will not bring you closure.. women are not good at being direct, they often are half-hearted in telling someone why they aren't gonna be 2geva..leaving ali with another dose of uncertainty. reality brings closure, girl (x) won't give him reality, she'll give him a half-assed excuse,with a touch on the arm and a compliment for good measure. OH LOOK WE ARE IN HEARTACHE TERRITORY AGAIN !! Good luck bro, put your future in your own hands, not in girl (x)'s hands. 8)