He's engaged and cheating--should I tell his fiance?

[cyrillka2]

I met someone this summer and fell in love with him. At first, I thought it was just going to be a fling, so I wasn't interested in a serious relationship. So, when he told me that he had a fiance, I didn't think much of it because I just assumed that when we returned home, the affair would be over. But then he kept saying to me that he loved me and that I was the one that he wanted to be with and spend the rest of his life with. So, this caused me to re-examine my feelings about him and I realized that I loved him, too, and I wanted to be with him.

 

However, when we got home, he sent me an email saying that his fiance had planned the entire wedding while we were away (about 2 months), bought a wedding dress and that now he thinks that he can't call off the wedding. I wanted to talk to him about this in person, and we did, but each time we met we continued our sexual relations.

 

We both knew that things could not continue like this and I think we both, in our own ways, tried to stop what was going on. He said that he loved me more than his fiance and that I was the one that he really wanted to be with, but that his fiance has emotional problems, has tried to commit suicide in the past, and he was afraid that if he called the wedding off, she would kill herself. He said that was the only reason he couldn't call it off, but if that were not an issue, he would be marrying me. He kept saying that he couldn't see me anymore, and then we would see each other again and end up sleeping together. I told him that it couldn't continue like this and that it wasn't fair to his fiance for a)him to continue sleeping with me and b) for him to marry her if he truly felt this way about me.

 

I gave him something like an ultimatum, but not quite because I wasn't really giving him a choice between me and her. I simply told him that we couldn't see each other any more and that I was going to tell his fiance what was going on. I said that I thought it was much better if it came from him, so I was giving him two weeks time, after which I would send his fiance a letter telling her what had happened and promising to stay out of their lives forever. You see, I never meant to cause anyone this pain, least of all myself and it is painful for me too. I would have never had this relationship if he had been honest with me from the start about having a fiance. I would not have let myself get attached to him; I would not have fallen in love and hopefully, he would not have fallen in love with me.

 

However, we did fall in love. After I told him that I was going to tell his fiance in 2 weeks, we didn't speak or see each other anymore. I decided in the end not to send the letter telling everything to his fiance. I called him to tell him that I wasn't sending the letter and he told me that he never wanted to talk to me again. I'm okay with that and I can accept that as a conclusion to the relationship between him and me.

 

The one thing that I am most confused about now is whether I should tell his fiance. I think about myself being in her situation--having my fiance cheat while I was planning the wedding, having him tell this other person that he loved them more than me and was only marrying me because he was afraid I would commit suicide if he didn't. I wouldn't want to marry that person. So I feel like I have some sort of obligation to tell her. Do I?

 

I have to stress that I wouldn't do this out of revenge. I am fine with things between us being over forever and I realize that if he lies and cheats like this, this is not the sort of person that I want to be with. And I also don't want to hurt his fiance because from what I know of her, she seems to be a really good, nice person. I just feel like she should know about the person BEFORE she gets married to them. I've read all the postings in the infidelity forum and I just feel like this is somewhat different because I feel like potentially I could save her before she gets married and has children with this man. I don't know what to do and it is this final question that makes it impossible to finally put an end to this situation.

 

Please, advice on this situation would be so useful to me now!

[sisterlynch]

I think that deep down she knows what kind of a guy he is and what she is getting in a husband. Sometimes the truth hurts more than a good lie.

[bzborow1]

In my honest oppinion I think their relationship is none of your business. Not only that, you do NOT want to put yourself into a situation you have no idea about...all you can control is your actions. I would not tell his wife, i'd just cut contact with this guy and learn the lesson.

[guy40az]

I think you should tell her. I am sure you would want to know if you were go to get married and your fiancé was doing that behind your back. you mentioned the his fiancé had some mental health issues, I know its going to be hard for her to find this out later down the road when he does it the next time and she finds out about it.

 

I am really glad you did see what a lot of people never think about is if he will do that with her what makes you think she wouldn't do it with you.

[Scout]

First, you only know what this guy tells you, and he's obviously capable of deceit so he could be lying to you about her suicidal history and all that.

 

You do not know this woman, you don't know the dynamics of their relationship, and if she hasn't figured out by now he's a cheater, she's really blind or in denial and he'd probably convince her you were lying anyway.

 

My advice is don't tell her. If you are feeling guilty because of being involved with him, just tell yourself you made a bad judgement call that you won't make again. Your guilt won't be alleviated by telling her this, and again, I'm pretty sure she would go on with the wedding anyway.

[sisterlynch]

Why would she want to believe you? I realize that sounds blunt, but maybe the guy never intended to cheat, and now he is deeply sorry that he made this one mistake.

[cyrillka2]

Sister Lynch, I'm not sure that I understand what you mean by why would she want to believe me? Your first posting said that she probably knows what she is getting into, but if you stood in a position where you could confirm her suspicions, and give her the chance of getting out, should you at least reveal that to her, so that she can make whatever decisions she needs to make fully informed? Your answers just confuse me more...

[peanut15]

First of all, why did you get involved with someone that said was engaged?

 

Second, you should not tell her because it will be your fault. My husband had an affair after our second child was born. After the second time he had sex with her, he called off their "relationship". He couldn't bear it anymore but she kept pursuing...she is married to. Anyway, she hired someone to tap into his hotmail account and get my hotmail email. I knew it was through his hotmail account because NO ONE else knew that email address. She told me about what he did although not in detail. I hate her, I despise her and honestly all this has left me absolutely heart broken and confused. She may say she was concerned for me but honestly, she ended up attacking me and saying that I deserved it. I found out the weekend of my birthday. It has now been three months since I found out and I feel so terrible. My husband and I are trying to make things better but I think it would have been better if he told me. I honestly feel that way. I feel that she contacted me (under an assumed name) just to get me back out of revenge.

 

Anyway, just stay out of it. She'll come after you rather than her fiance. I believe that he lied about her suicidal attempts. He lied to you and he's lied to her. Better that you just stay away and not deal with him anymore.

[sisterlynch]

It is not your marriage, you aren't married. You are an outsider looking in. People who choose to marry realize that the person that they are marrying isn't perfect. She wants to marry him, she isn't going to change her mind because someone tells her out of the blue that she slept with her fiance, she will go into denial.

 

What are you personally getting out of the situation? What are your own motives? I don't know you or her, but I feel that what you are trying to do is irresponsible. It is tough being married, you should try it some time, so that you know how it feels.

[bzborow1]

So like I said. It's better in the long term to avoid getting yourself into a situation you know nothing about by "spilling the beans".

[Emmylu]

Don't tell her. But it sounds like you really want to tell her, and you're resisting people's advice here to butt out.

 

If you feel like you have this irresistible urge to tell, then I'd say you're doing this for personal reasons. Not necessarily revenge, but you'd be doing this to satisfy yourself, or as you say, to be able to move on. Done at the expense of hurting her, but in the name of helping her.

 

The more you want to tell her, the more you shouldn't. Just don't do it.

[sasha505]

Don't tell her. It's not your place to. It's his relationship and he should do it.

 

Also, why do you want to be with him so much if you know he's capable of cheating and lying to someone that he allegedly loves enough to marry?

 

If he'll cheat on her, he'll probably cheat on you too.

[miracle29]

Please tell me you are not seriously considering any of his lies and game. This is all about lust. He doesnt love you and obviously since he's cheating, he doesnt love her either. I think that if you are with him and you get hurt then you deserve everything that happened to you because its women like you who make it hard for women to have a man. You are always creeping and waiting to steal someone who is already taken as if a single man is not good enough. You and he are in for a series of heart aches. You have had sex with a man who is having sex with another woman. You actually considered this as "Oh its just a fling" fling, or relationship you are still both in the wrong. I hope one day, another female takes your man away from you, I KNOW THAT SOUNDS EVIL, but only then, ONLY at that precise time will you know what it feels like to love someone so much and then just because your man is horny and wants to sow all his wild oats before he gets married you get played in the process. I want to see how funny this is to you then.

 

I'm sorry if i'm sounding mean, but its women like you who make it hard for other women who want a real thing..and not just a FLING.