Please read, and help! Letter from my Ex.

[RayKay]

Hi everyone, I am posting on here a letter my ex sent me this morning, one week after I had wrote him a very honest, direct letter. And I know it is long, but if anyone can read it, an comment, I would really appreciate it. I am feeling like I really need to let him go for good, but it is soooo hard. I love him so much. We have to see each other tomorrow for a race, and I am just not sure what to say about all of this. I don't want to cut contact with him, but maybe I have too. I just don't know anymore...I do still want to be with him again at some point by the way.

 

 

 

"And so it begins. My intent is to reread your "letter" (essay), and respond to it as I go. My responses will hopefully be at least as coherent as your letter, but hopefully not as long! Here goes….

 

I agree that it wasn't an accident that you found out about my date. I had been thinking that you weren't being completely honest with me in how "cool" you were with everything, and I figured that letting you know I had a date would be a good way of finding out. Boy, was I right. First off, I had thought we had a deal where our personal lives would remain that way, and secondly: your reaction was way more than I expected. But at the same time, I thought something like that might happen, and I felt that it probably should. Fact is, I think we do need to spend some time apart to make the friendship thing really work. But I'll get more into that later.

 

I don't understand how me going on a date was disrespecting you, unless we were on different wavelengths. I broke up with you because I wanted to be single, and I told you that I was going to date other people. We were supposed to be friends, and we were experiencing some nice benefits too. But I think that for you, I was still filling the "boyfriend void", even though not in any official capacity. I think that's why you reacted so strongly, because you felt/hoped that we were "dating" exclusively. Contrary to what you seem to think, I DO respect you, and I can continue to do this if I go on dates. But again, I will get into what that means shortly.

 

I agree that someday, I will be ready to open up my heart to love and all that junk again, but I am starting to think that that day may be farther away than I first anticipated. Don't get me wrong, I do want to settle down some day. But right now, I am truly enjoying the singleness, much more than I thought I ever would. Though part of that is because I have had no real reason to not enjoy it; I have yet to really be "alone". But I do appreciate the increased amount of time for me, and from that, I've come to the point where I really don't want to tolerate any bull(censors!) anymore from other people. The reality is, I don't give myself a hard time, and I like it that way….and I really don't have the time or the desire to spend it with people who DO give me hassle about anything.

 

It's true that in our lifetimes, we meet several people who have great potential, it just happens at the wrong time. I believe that if you are a good and true person, you will eventually find the right person for you, and will be happy for the rest of your life. I'm good with that, as long as I don't have to make an ugly woman my wife.

 

It's true that I'm very caring, and that I'm very dedicated to my family (and no, you had never told me of your admiration of this fact). And I think you are also right that I won't grow up to be like the Cat's in the Cradle as I fear, because I AM conscious of it. I want to be single now so I can focus on me, and do all the "me" things that I want to do, so that when I'm ready, I can settle down and raise a family and be committed to them. I'm thinking that I might want to get my Masters in its entirety before I even start looking for a serious relationship…it may not work out that way (things rarely go as planned), but I am starting to think like that.

 

It's absolutely true that I liked being loved by you, but that's the way people are. Who doesn't enjoy being cared for? But be clear that I loved you back, though I will admit that as things approached more serious, I began to hesitate, and close (rather than open) up my heart. The reality was that I wasn't even looking for a girlfriend when I met you, but you were too good to pass up. I tried to make it last, hoping that things would turn around for me (I really did want them too), but I had to be true to myself. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if he hadn't started going out, or if we broke up when I went to Thompson. Well first off, I'd probably have herpes, but beyond that, who knows? Just a thought, I digress.

 

My problem was that when I looked towards the future, the only possible direction I saw it heading was settled-down couple land, which was something that I really wasn't ready for. I had found a possible life mate when I wasn't even looking for a girlfriend. As an analogy: I go to a car dealership to lease a truck for a few years, and I see an amazing car that I've always wanted for sale…it's too expensive, but how can I pass it up? I make the down payment, start paying the hefty monthly fees and then….I run out of money. It's not that I don't want it, but that I bit off more than I could chew, and I have to give it back.

 

You're right when you say that love/relationships are an investement, and you have to work to keep 'em going. I just wasn't ready.

 

I don't expect you to wait for me, and in fact, I don't want you to. You are a great woman, Rachel, and I respect you too much to let you cling to a faint hope that we might get back together. For all intents and purposes, we are over for good. This is the way that is has to be. If you meet someone else, then I'll be happy for you (though jealous too, I'm sure). If it works out, and you get married 6 months later, well, I'll be surprised, but glad things worked out for you. If we drift apart for a few years, then bump into each other at the colostomy bag store in Fiji, well, maybe that's fate talking and we should go out for dinner and see what happens. Don't worry, I will keep my word about our date when I am ready again, but that may not be for a long time.

 

I have some wonderful memories of the times we shared, and still do enjoy talking to you and hanging out with you. But here's the catch: I don't think I'll be able to fully move on if I continue seeing you as much as we have been in the past. There needs to be some time and distance between us before we can come back together and actually be friends. It's like me going to the gym a few weeks ago….my wrist was improved but not fully healed, and I hoped it would be okay. But it wasn't, and the workout only made my wrist worse and prolonged the healing process.

 

I disagree that someday in the future I will really regret breaking up with you. For one thing, I regret it now. It's really too bad it had to happen, because I know how good of a person you are, and how caring and giving and faithful. But the reality is that I also would have regretted it if I DIDN'T break up with you, because then I would have been cheating myself. You have to listen to your heart, and my heart was saying "not ready yet".

 

I'm glad to hear you say that the future is "open", because that is all I really ask. And I am also glad to hear that you are not going to be opposed to dating someone else…as long as you're still good with us being friends. I can understand that you do want a relationship in your life, as I know you understand that I just don't right now.

 

I agree with the things you said about me needing to discover myself. It is slowly happening, but I don't want to rush it, I just want to let it happen. It's quite remarkable, actually, experiencing this gradual "enlightenment", but being conscious that it is happening. I also agree that it is important that we start seeing each other as the people Jeremy and Rachel, as opposed to "my ex, Jeremy" and "my ex, Rachel".

 

So what does this all mean? How are we going to approach things? Well, I don't want to dictate exactly what will happen, as I want some of your input as well. This needs to be an agreement between two people, not a judgment imposed by one. First of all, I think that we should probably not sleep with each other anymore. If we happen to bump into each other at the bar when we're both loaded, and stuff happens, well hey, that's great. But in general, I think it would be best for the budding friendship to cut that part out…it's not that I want to (because it was fun times), but sex has a tendency to complicate things. Let's keep things simple.

 

I also think that we should probably talk/see each other less than we have been. This is helped somewhat by my schedule, but it needs to be more than that. As you said, we have all these old little disagreements sitting in our minds preventing us from moving forwards; I think time apart is one of the best ways to deal with these. But that being said, I don't want to cut of contact completely, because we do share a great chemistry and closeness. I don't know, this one is a tough call, and your thoughts would be appreciated. As a general guideline, I think that our contact over the winter should be more on the minimal side, so that when spring rolls around next year and we start biking again, it's all good. That is one of the things that I loved most about you, and that set you above all the rest, was the fact that you and I shared the same passion. And in case you hadn't noticed, most of the girls who mountain bike aren't very hot, so that was a double score for me. Anyways, let me know what you think about this point.

 

And then there's our personal lives. Again, this is one where I want your input. I think that for a while, it would be best if we keep whatever we are doing to ourselves. One possible solution to this would be to allow the question "so what did you do last night?" but forbid "with who?". I don't know…I want to know if you're dating someone else, but I sure don't want the details. Similarly, I don't really have a problem telling you what I'm doing, but I'm not sure how well you'd react to it. What do you think?

 

Okay, well, this is where I'm going to end it. I managed to keep this just over a page shorter than yours, so good for me. I think I've said everything I needed to say. What I hope comes from this is that (hopefully) this has opened up an avenue for discussion, so that on Sunday, we can decide upon a solution that will work well for us both.

 

I want you to stay a part of my life, and I hope that at the very least, we can be great friends forever.

 

Love,

 

Jeremy"

 

 

 

[monicaa]

It seems to me, at a glance, that he doesn't even know what he wants... on one hand he tells you he enjoys being single and telling you to move on... and on the other he says that he likes that the "future is open".

 

as hard as it is, try to reinvent your life... meet new people, improve yourself... so you can gradually consider it closed chapter in your life.

 

if you're seing him, don't bring up the relationship... unless he does first it, if so... may be good that you set a mind of your ideas... i mean that he doesn't knows what he wants is one thing, but he has to see that you do know what you want... if you want to let him go... then agree with everything he says, enjoy the status and thank him for being an "honest friend"... try to be calmed and relaxed... it is like in athlete races, focus on being relaxed and care about stress later.

[RayKay]

Thanks for your rely monicaa. I am really so unsure what to do. You are correct in that he does not really know what he wants, but I also know he is very conscious in not wanting to lead me on too, so tends to hide his feelings from me at the moment.

 

It is hard to let go, when it feels so wrong in your heart to do so, but at the same time I know he also takes it for granted that he will (when "ready") will be able to find someone "as equally great or better" if he cannot have me myself...so really has no sense of loss, even if I left, I feel.

 

I want to be in his life, but I never wanted it to be like this. And so I do not know what to do.

[RayKay]

I just feel like he is never going to know what he lost, until he does. But at same time, if I do go NC totally, than it will be easier for him to move and forget about me anyway, and I'll never hear from him again! Yet, I think right now he just does not know what it is like without me - and is not afraid of losing it either.

 

Yet, I know friendship is important for even relationships...but what will happen over the next long while scares me, and it hurts.

 

What do I do?

[Noggy27]

Hi Raykay

 

I just wanted to put in my point of view. After reading that letter I got the general impression that he felt a bit claustrophobic in your relationship and felt that you "nagged" him a bit too much on what he should do etc etc. Sorry I don't mean to be rude but thats what the general feeling was. I know a lot of men get a bit standoffish when their girl friend narks at them for everything and I think what it sounds like was that he was feeling a bit restricted and wanted out.

 

He seems to care very much for you but not enough to cling on to you like gold dust. He seems genuine in what he says about you but at the same time seems to be laying it on a bit to be civil.

 

From what I read he basically wants single life again. He wants to be able to put you on the back burner and go around and date others. Though he kept hinting that the future was open. This made it sound like he was trying to reserve you incase his mission to adventure the world was unsucessfull.

 

You are right with your feelings. He doesnt know what hes lost as I noticed when my GF broke up with me our exes tend to sit and justify all the bad things about us. They dont realise what they have lost until much much later! I mean MUCH later, when hes been around dating women he will sit down one day and say " damn I miss Rachel". Though people that are in this phase wont think like that now as hes in Defence mode.

 

I don't think he will forget you , even if you did nc. I think the best thing for you to do is to just back off from him at the moment and do what everyone on this board says 20 times a day to eachother and just focus on yourself. You had your discussion, he was civil and that shows he doesnt want to burn his bridges but any other moves made by you at this point will just be demagnitized. Let the dust settle for a few months and date yourself. Once he sees you moving on thats when he will sit down and think.. Darn, what did I lose?

 

I know this because I was in the same shoes as he is once.

[justtwicethen]

RayKay,

 

I read your boyfriends entire response above.

Im going to make this short. He is still madly in love with you. (PM me for reasons how I cam to this conclusion).

 

However, the question at hand is, how YOU can stop hurting now right? Well, understand that you have a VERY good boyfriend (ex). He has his heart in the right place.

 

IF YOU WANT HIM BACK IN YOUR LIFE, WITH YOU ONE DAY, LET HIM GO NOW..... This is the best advice you can take. Don't let him go because you want him to realize what he lost, but because often love needs irrational medicine.

 

Be his friend, and he will return one day. Mark my words.

[RayKay]

Hey Noggy, I appreciate your response, though I definitely did NOT nag him. He has told me many times I was a wonderful gf and did everything right, so I am not sure that is it. I think that he just felt limited anyway. I am definitely NOT a nagger, and never have been, and he always said that I allowed him a lot of freedom and trusted him without nagging...so not sure that is it really.

 

He did feel "obligated" to me, but not because I made him, or even asked him to be! He just felt that he was not being the best bf he could be..if that makes sense?

[Noggy27]

ok maybe I was wrong

 

Sorry..

 

Anyway the other stuff I said is not wrong

[RayKay]

ok maybe I was wrong

 

Sorry..

 

Anyway the other stuff I said is not wrong

 

Sorry, I did not mean to say I did not like your response, it was great! I just wanted to clarify that I am not a nagging-type of gf at all, I think independence is very important for both people

 

The rest of your response was very accurate I think, and I definitely appreciate it. Thank you

[Confused and hurt]

RayKay -

When I read that letter, I almost cried. What you ex wrote is exactly what my ex said to me when we met up a 2 months ago to talk. He kept trying to insist that he and I would not work right now, but kept leaving the possibility of the future open. I was really confused and looking for hidden meanings within that, but its been 2 months since then with no progress, so I have decided to let go. The only difference between mine and your situation is that right after the break up, my ex told me that we could be friends in time but for now it was too hard for him to talk to me. So we haven't talked for about 3 months, with the exception of when we met to chat because I saw him out with his new girlfriend and he felt bad about it so he called me to apologize and to meet with me to try to give me more closure. I have wanted to call him very badly during this time...feeling much like you do. I am scared that he will forget about me but I am also scared to call him because he has asked me to keep distance from him until he is ready to talk to me in a "friend" capacity. I have told him that I really want to make this work and I really hope we get a second chance, so he knows how I feel. He just doesn't feel the same way. My only advice to you is what I am following at the moment, just give him the space and time that he asks for and carry on with your own life. I have been going out alot and meeting alot of different people. I am having alot of fun! Yes...thoughts of my ex and feelings of sadness are still with me, but I am also realizing that although I really WANT to be with him in the end, I will still be fine if we don't get a second chance. It seems as though you are being the way I have been up until very recently....focusing only on him and how he is feeling and obsessing over what is gonna happen next. Throw all that out the window and try really hard to focus on YOURSELF. Make yourself happy.....aren't you tired of overanalyzing everything he says, does, etc. and wondering when he will want to try again? I know I am....that's why I have just decided to let go and see what happens. Its hard, but you should try to do the same

 

Justtwicethen-

I am curious as to why you say that RayKay's ex is still madly in love with her. I have had others tell me that about my own situation too...I really can;t see it though seeing as how he got with another girl only a week after we split and because he does not want to be in contact with me right now. You advised RayKay to let him go and be his friend. I want to follow that advice too...but how can I be a friend when we are not even in contact?

 

Thanks

[Clarabelle]

Oh Raykay, reading that letter had to hurt. I've been reading your posts for a while, and while I've been impressed by your patience and love for this man, I've also wondered if this kind of thing was coming. Your ex sounds like a nice person and he did the right thing by writing you this letter. You have to put yourself first, sweetheart, and cut yourself off from him for the foreseeable future. Of course he'll be happy if you "leave it open". He can't make up his mind. If you keep hanging around, he'll never really have to. It may be, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, he'll discover that his happiness was really right in front of him all the time - but you have to let him figure that one out. Plus all that waiting and wishing must really be getting tiresome, isn't it? Live your life and be open to the possibility of good things happening to you. Trust that life has something beautiful in store for you. You'll be able to start doing that with NC. Good luck and post when you need to.