Dating a Depressed Person

[xliz]

So, I've been living with depression since I was about 12 now. I feel as though I've been through the absolute worst of it and I have come such a tremendously long way from what I used to be. I'm 21 now, for reference. I would've posted this in some depression support forum but I'd rather hear advice from the other side.

 

Two and a half years ago I started dating my best friend. He knew enough about me to be able to realize that there were some obstacles ahead, but just in case I told him anyway that if he really wanted to be with me it wasn't going to be easy, and he said he was willing to do whatever he needed. Everything was perfect at first, as most relationships usually are, but soon enough I started remembering who I was underneath all of that happiness. Still, he made me so happy. For the first time in my life I sought out help from others, I went to therapy, I started meds, I became close with people and found I could trust others more easily. I admit that I've definitely done some unjust things, and made really stupid decisions that made him incredibly sad and me question if I was even conscious at the time of making them. Not that he never did anything wrong either, but I think I mostly made things harder.

 

I've been very happy lately and we haven't fought in a long time, like months, but recently we found ourselves clashing over opinions of a personal matter of his. I overreacted to something he told me, but later apologized after seeing what I did wrong. He wouldn't accept my apology, and instead did something that I did not expect whatsoever. A few days ago he decided that he needed a break. He says that he doesn't want to put all of his energy into making me happy anymore and he wants to be selfish and do things for himself, which I completely understand, though it sounds harsh. I want him to be happy, of course. For me, he wants me to find happiness in things other than him, but what he doesn't see is that I already do. I always have, really, I just had a tough time showing it. It didn't seem to be enough for him though. He says that he wants to remain friends and do things together as normal, but I still don't know how that helps anything. He expects me to find positivity in a horribly negative situation. And I feel as though I've done nothing wrong, which makes it all worse.

 

What does all of this mean? I still love him so much, this is just so incredibly painful for me. And I really, truly love him, I'm not just using him as a crutch to my illness. Recovering from this has been a long, grueling process and I feel like I'm being abandoned at such a crucial point. Has anyone else dated someone with depression?

[B Link]

My first reaction is that you guys probably aren't good for eachother. If months go by seeming perfect and then problems start to come up and one person "needs a break", chances are its not going to get any better from there... Sorry to say so but how can you love someone you can't trust... And how can you trust someone who broke your heart once already? Ps sorry to see that nobody replied sooner.

[gingerlemon]

I know you state otherwise, but from what you are saying it also sounds as if your happiness was partially dependent on him. This here, is something that you ideally should be getting on with on your own.

 

Still, he made me so happy. For the first time in my life I sought out help from others, I went to therapy, I started meds, I became close with people and found I could trust others more easily.

 

I think it's great if meeting him has fuelled a self development process for you where you could do the things you wrote about above. But the fact that he expressed to you that he felt he was investing too much time in trying to make you happy, makes me think that you were (even if it was subconscious) placing responsibility for your happiness on him. That's a very detrimental relationship dynamic in the long run. I say that as someone who has been through various bouts of depression and a suicide attempt several years ago, so I learned the hard way how it can influence relationships negatively and what a strain it can be on a partner. I have also been on the other side of the fence at a time when my H was dealing with depression, and it was very draining for me.

 

He has said he wants a break. Respect that, and focus your time on working on your own healing and self development. You will come out stronger for it. Good luck

[xliz]

thanks guys. since this i've still been majorly upset but getting on with my life and keeping myself plenty busy with friends and such. he says he misses me and regrets doing this and doesn't know what he wants, but nothing's changed. i wish i could just fast forward a month or two.

[B Link]

I got through my first relationship pretty recently... It ended about 6 to 8 months ago. Your situation sounds so familiar. I don't want to tell you what's right and I can't, but if he's been with you for a while and doesn't know what he wants... Its either not you or he doesn't recognize it. I'm with ginger on this one. Take a real break, no contact or anything. You both need to figure out who you are and who you want and you have to do it alone, or at least away from him.

[xliz]

He says he doesn't want to be with anyone else and just needs some time alone. It's so hard for me to not act like an idiot over this still, getting upset all the time and stuff.. though I understand now that I need to take advantage of this just as much as he is. We're both going to the same music fest next weekend so that should be great.. I hope I'm in better shape by then.