My story of my only suicide attempt

[sonicfan287]

This has been very hard for me to talk about but I feel like I have to.

 

I've been very unpopular (for lack of a better word) with girls for a long time. Ii think it's because I try too hard and it ends up pushing them away. I'd literally do anything for a woman I loved, but for the most part I could never meet a person like that. In high school, I was great friends with a girl for a long time and we finally decided to try dating. We had a decent but short lived relationship but it ended horribly and I found out she was never really "into" me but just felt bad because I was such a nice guy and she knew it'd make me happy to have a girlfriend. This hurt me even more to be honest, than if she just hadn't dated me in the first place. Now we almost never talk, she's living with some guy and has a kid, and hey, whatever.

 

After that, I had another short relationship with a girl who went to college with a friend of mine from long distance. Because of the distance, it never really worked out. She was nice and all but we never saw each other and we both decided it wasn't going to work.

 

Unfortunately (sometimes) I have a nearly photographic memory and constantly play back old times in my head. A friend of mine fixed me up with this awesome girl in December 2009 and everything was PERFECT... well for a while. When I first met her, I was blown away. We couldn't stop talking, it seemed we always had more to say. I loved making her laugh and she was so much fun to be with, and the thing was, unlike sometimes, I wasn't TRYING to fall in love with her which made it even more natural, she made it impossible not to love her. Ii feel like noone understands how much this all meant to me because a lot of my friends and people I know have been through multiple relationships, some good and some bad and are just able to process it better. They've had people love them before, and are confident enough in themselves to know that people can love them again. I'm unfortunately not the same way.

 

Our relationship ended the first time in Summer 2010 and I was a wreck. I didn't even expect to take it as hard as I did but I continuously thought all that summer, if I had just done this, or said that, or whatever, that things would've worked out and I wouldn't be crying all summer like I was. We tried staying friends but it always turned into me breaking down and asking her why it couldnt work. She never gave me good reasons, just said the "spark" wasn't there or she wasn't feeling it or we weren't right for each other. She never said why, even though I think I have a hunch.

 

Anyway, despite all this, in November 2010, we got back together. She said I was a really great guy who treated her so well and she had no idea why she ended it. We dated again but things got rocky because of my own mental issues. You see, I have depression and anxiety and it makes holding a relationship very hard. I never really realized this since I had never had a long term relationship before, but the longer I was with her, the more it became apparent what a nervous wreck I was, which was quite a turn off for her, I'd imagine. She suggested I get help for this and for whatever reason, I was always too stubborn to. I'd tell her it was just a phase I'm going through, it'll get better but after several nights of me sitting in silence because I was literally frozen in fear, we agreed to go to a therapist. It kind of helped but we ended up breaking up again in August 2011 because it wasn't helping enough and she was losing interest in the relationship again. Surprisingly, I didn't take it as hard this time but I still wanted her back. I was smart enough to leave it alone this time instead of freaking out, and somehow we ended up getting back together in October 2011.

 

Well in case you can't see where this is going, the same problems arose AGAIN and we broke up just a month ago, in March. I loved her so much and treasured all our times together. We slept together many times and she was my first. We spent so many wonderful nights and mornings together. I showed her all the places that mean something to me and so did she. We met each others families and friends, we got along great but things got so rough at the end because of my f**king depression. She even said "it's not fun to be with you anymore" because most of our outings would turn into me bashing myself mindlessly for god knows what reasons... then in bed, instead of enjoying our time together, I'd tell her I couldn't do it because I was too nervous that Ii'd fail to pleasure her... whatever the hell that meant, since I had pleasured her before... Ii don't even understand my own damn actions and I can't stop beating myslef up about it...

 

Well a couple weeks ago, this got really ugly. I already hated myself DURING our relationship but since it ended because of my own stupidity (again, she didn't say this, just gave me more vague reasoning that it wasnt working out but I know thats why because of everything she said leading up to it) I just wanted to punish myself. I wanted to have to suffer for what I had done... losing the girl of my dreams and dissapointing her immensely when I didn't have to. I took 70 caffeinne pills, 7000 mg and literally wanted my heart to explode. I'm extremely squeamish so I didn't want anything that would draw blood but I can say 100% that I wanted to die and I didn't want to tell anyone because they would just talk me out of it. I took the pills as fast as possible so I wouldn't have time to think about it. I honestly just wanted it to end and I picked caffeinne because I was always so anxious, I wanted to punish myself by making myself have a massive panic attack (which I know can't kill you but I read that over 6000 mg of caffeinne could do it) and I wanted to just suffer a heart attack and black out, so I couldn't bother my ex anymore and noone would have to deal with my whining about the break up. I honestly wanted it but now I don't. I didn't die (obviously) because a really great friend of mine got me to hospital and after hours of being very sick, I pulled through.

 

This has been 2 weeks and things actually got worse. I now know that she's in a relationship with someone else and they look very happy. What frustrates me more is that this guy was a friend of hers during our relationship and it makes me think that she probably went to him because he's more mentally stable than I ever couldve been. She was just looking for someone stable, thats not that much to ask for, and I couldn't even do it... time and time again I failed and honestly I deserved to lose her. I deserve to be without her now and part of me thinks I deserved to die a couple weeks ago but maybe the reason I stayed alive is so that I could see her new boyfriend and get to suffer emotionally some more. Maybe that's what I really deserve. When I first saw she had a new boyfriend I freaked out and instantly ran to my mom and told her to stop me from doing anything foolish because I wanted to die then, too. To see her with him, and our memories pretty much erased... I still think back to the first nights we met, when we had so much to say, so much to do. I wasn't depressed, wasn't always bashing myself and making her feel guilty for not being able to help me. I was in a healthy relationship at that time because I myself was healthy and able to be the kind of guy she needed and deserved to have. Now that honor has gone to this new guy and Im left out in the cold. I don't think I want to die anymore but I sure am miserable fighting these feelings all day everyday.

 

I just had to tell someone because noone understands what this means to me. I keep hearing that Ill meet someone else and this'll all be okay but I dont want to meet someone else, I cant just replace her like it was nothing. Nor do I see anyone even falling for a loser like me. Anyway, thanks to anyone who actually reads all this. This is my heart and soul, my entire emotional being and the reason why I did what I did with no prior history of suicidal thoughts. Obviously my actions provoked the need for a new therapist so I will be seeking help, but part of me has my doubts if itll work.

[Comstar]

I understand perfectly what you say.

I used to be very unpopular too. But you know what? Being unpopular is cool and I am going to explain why.

If you see skaters, they call themselves rebels.

If you see punks, they call themselves rebels.

If you see playboys they call themselves rebels.

But they are just slaves of fashion. You know exactly what brands and stores, skaters, punks and playboys use.

You are not unpopular or loser, you are a rebel, you dare to be different, unlike other slaves.

You are so different that you feel no one understands you. Well different in your circle, there are wider circles where you may fit.

 

I used to feel like you, a loser, unpopular and everything those who are just another brick on the wall use to tell you. But I learned to accept myself and be happy with my life, my way of seeing things, and I accepted that probably I had a very special mission in life, aside of other people. In the end I learned to be happy with myself. When people tell me I am weird I tell them I am proud of it and smile. My experiences in life have been unlike other people, so it is logical to be different.

 

Mental issues means that your brain creates a biochemical cheat that alters your thoughts, emotions and perceptions. You know they are altered because you are not 100% happy. When that happens do not trust them and do not react. In a way it is like being drunk without alcohol, everything is altered. If your problem is too serious, look for professional help, a good psychiatrist. People use to think psychiatrists are for crazy people but they are wrong, they are doctors who prescribe medication, as psychiatry is very close to neurology, as it deals with brain biochemistry. You should deal with your biochemistry before ever attempting to enter a relationship.

 

I do not think you really fell in love with her. I think you fell in love with an ideal, a mask you put on her that has magic sparks as real humans are not that magic. So it is not her you mourn, it is just the mask. But she is not the mask, and you would painfully discover it if the relationship had continued. Fortunately, a mask can't die, and she is not that mask. You did not even love her, for you spent so much time needing her that you forgot to love. A relationship is not about "make me happy and I would do everything", it is about "I am happy and I share my happiness with you". The "make me happy" part is like asking a girl to be your mother, and girls do not like that.

 

My bet is you may need to realize that you are not a baby anymore, and take things as an adult. Your anxiety comes from the overwhelming feeling of being a little baby facing that huge world. But you are not a baby anymore. the good news is that things that are impossible for a baby, are easy to do as an adult. Our mind play tricks on us. It works on symbolic archetypes. A good bet is that if you wanted that girl to be your mother, you may have felt a feeling of being abandoned by your mother and that is what has you in such a state of mind. She is not your mother, she did not abandon you. I may advise to check your past with your mother and fix it. If you can't fix it alone, look for professional help.

 

You did not love her, for you were so concerned about her making you happy that you forgot to understand her, as you do not even understand yourself, so you are unable to understand others. So do not worry about this relationship for you did not even lose her, you lost a mask you put on her.

 

Being alone is not really bad. Indeed if you want a good relationship where you can be happy, you first need to learn to happy when you are alone. Else, it will not work. A healthy relationship is about being already happy and then finding someone to share it.

 

You still need to be happy when alone. I know this is not what you had in mind or wht you wanted to hear, but it is required to have a relationship where you do not suffer.

 

Suicide thoughts are a clear sign that you need professional help NOW! Look for help NOW! Be advised that probably medication may be needed. the only one who can prescribe it is a psychiatrist for a psychologist is not a doctor and is not authorized to prescribe medication.

[Koglin]

I read everything you had to say and I think 90% of your issue is "self-esteem". I think you are so use to getting rejected and so desparate to have a girlfriend long term that this becomes transparent to the women you date and it is a huge turn off. You know you have the ability to attract a woman that you like, you've done it again and again in the past, so that's definitely not your issue. You reference depression and anxiety as the cause of your fall outs in relationships but I don't think this is really the case. I have suffered from severe panic attacks which turned into a full blown panic disorder (the worst 6 months of my life) and it also resulted in depression for me but throughout all this I was able not only to maintain a girlfriend but also get engaged and we are still happily living together. So we know that anxiety and depression can also be worked through in a relationship. You should be honest with your partner about these issues and get treatment accordingly. But I don't think that any of this is causing you major problems but only the way you view yourself and how low you think of yourself that you want to punish yourself for loosing a woman and commit suicide. My words of advice to you is start re-descovering yourself. Begin thinking positively. View yourself as a benefit to someone rather than a liability. Love yourself first so that others can learn to love you. But most importantly, value yourself and the person you are and believe me, if you do that, the women in your life that you love will love you.

[sonicfan287]

Thank you both for your responses. In the past I have tried to view my "weirdness" as a positive thing and have even done it for a time but then other times for whatever reason, I feel inferior to those around me because I'm not doing what they're doing or not as good at a particular skill. Its hard to believe but I actually am in a job where I'm in the public light a lot. I'm a DJ and its actually not the being in front of people part that makes me nervous but setting up equipment in front of other professional DJs and their reactions if I mess up or if Im not as skilled. I somehow view certain people as more qualified to judge me than myself and I believe I may be doing that with my ex-gf, weighing her opinion of me above those around me who do love me. Dont get me wrong though, I still internally hate myself evn if she loved me or if someone else did and thats a problem. Sometimes I wonder if Ill ever be satisfied with who I am, even as I make improvements and see progress, all it takes is one failure and Im back to degrading myself... it's so annoying.

 

As for the points made by Comstar, I do agree with most of what you said, except if anything I think I tried too hard to make HER happy. To be honest, just being with her made me happy, I never made her do anything extra to make me happy or demanded it but I felt guilty instead because I was so happy to be with her and I felt like I needed to make her that happy or moreso, so I pressured myself to do it all the time. Im not saying I wasn't over demanding at times but my roots of relationship failure usually stem from me trying too hard and then beating myself up if I don't reach some kind of goal, whether or not my partner even agrees that I'm failing.

 

Still, I've been trying for years to 'love myself' and Im hoping this time works. The scary thing is that I fear I don't take the whole "suicide" attempt thing as seriously as I should... sometimes I'll be aghast and think "Oh my god, how could I do that?!" but then other times, Im more upset that it didn't work... which is bad. I want to stay alive but even then I feel like it's just because I dont want to hurt my parents or my friends, and that if they didn't care, I'd have no problem doing it since I'm my own biggest hater. My ex-gf doesn't even know that happened (nor will she) but even she would be determined to talk me out of it, I'm sure. She still cared for me very much and Im sure the decision to break up with me wasn't easy... even though I think about it all the time and keep replaying that final conversation in my head, all the time knowing it was going to end and there was nothing I could do about it but I still tried for some reason...

 

Anyway, I do need to get my stuff together and I think the hardest part for me is realizing that it will be a long process and that overwhelms me so I try to take it one day at a time and hope that these small victories and improvements in my life can build up to something real where I'll no longer have to 'fake' feeling good because I just will, and I'll feel good about who I am. Thanks again for everyone's support.