Starting to wonder if it will ever matter if I break NC

[Guitarguy_82]

Been hovering around 2 months NC and I've been debating on breaking it. After the BU she was always the one to initiate contact so now I feel like the ball is "in my court".

 

That being said, I can't think of one good reason to break NC. Not yet anyway. Here's why:

 

1. Has not been enough time: There's still plenty of healing I need to do and I'm learning things about myself everyday. The small baby steps actually do add up (which I had not believed until now).

 

2. At this point anything I say will have an undertone of reconciliation: I do want her back, and so if I ever do contact her, I'd be trying way too hard not to step on my own toes and make sure I say just the right thing here or use just enough inflection there so that the chances of reconciliation go up. I have not reached a place of indifference yet.

 

3. I don't want to know what's going on in her life: I've been lucky enough to know next to nothing about the ex since the BU aside from a few ancillary details about her moving and looking for a new job, but I don't want to know that she is dating or was dating or is trying to date. I know she will eventually, but that doesn't mean I need to know about it.

 

So all of those things combined and yet I still want to talk to her. I know the general consensus is that I should let her reach out first...but as I mentioned I feel like the ball is in my court now. We didn't date that long and I feel like I'm starting to get into the groove of getting over it...so I wonder if staying NC will really have any further effect?

 

The only counter to this is that my ex was so indifferent to everything that I don't know if it will even matter if I reach out. That's what really got me after the BU...was that she was such an ice queen with regards to everything and everyone. She flaked out on me after the BU when I suggested we meet and talk and all I ever got from her was a text saying "sorry". So very immature.

 

Wow...after writing this out now I'm wondering why I should even bother. Damn these heart strings!

[Angel Irulan]

Here's the clue by four: " aside from a few ancillary details about her moving and looking for a new job" I read this as her letting you know that she is moving on. I WOULD SOOO NOT BREAK NC IN THIS CASE!!!

 

My take: if it's over 12 weeks and you are still actively grieving and not moving on yourself, it's time to seek a therapist.

 

Hugs, it does get better!

 

Angel

[GotMyLifeBack]

I think besides writing your own question, you wrote your own answer too. Your thinking appears sound to me.

 

And remind yourself that the fact that you want to speak to her has nothing to do with whether she wants to speak to you (and based on what you said, she really doesn't, even if she did make some half-hearted contacts). If you haven't experienced this yet, and I hope you don't, it really sucks to reach out to an ex when you haven't fully gotten over her and your olive branch is just flicked to the ground.

[ghengisT]

The only counter to this is that my ex was so indifferent to everything that I don't know if it will even matter if I reach out. That's what really got me after the BU...was that she was such an ice queen with regards to everything and everyone. She flaked out on me after the BU when I suggested we meet and talk and all I ever got from her was a text saying "sorry". So very immature.

 

Don't break NC.

 

I'm quoting another post here, but there are a lot of defense mechanisms that kick in to help you get over someone. Her "ice cold" nature is part of that. Ignore it. I'm 1.5 months post-BU, and right before actual BU, her attitude towards me was "I love you, can't wait to be married". About 2 days later, "I don't know the feeling's just not there". A few days later, she tried to ask how I was doing (like sh**), and I asked her if she had time to talk.. I got "no, i'm leaving right now. ttyl, bye". She reached out a couple weeks later via text message asking "hey how r you?". I waited almost a week to respond. Told her I'm great, really busy. Hope she doing really good.

 

That said, it's normal for anybody to act that way. It's going to make the dumpee reach even more, and the dumper reject & feel even more certain of their decision. Stay out of those traps. Focus on YOU, and if she wants to reconcile in the future, she'll have no trouble letting you know..

 

I read this every morning, to solidify my NC decision:

[Guitarguy_82]

My take: if it's over 12 weeks and you are still actively grieving and not moving on yourself, it's time to seek a therapist.

 

Thanks, Angel.

I've been in contact with a therapist but I am hesitant to go as counseling has not worked for me in the past. I am moving on slowly though. I enrolled back in community college just for fun and for my own enrichment. I have been working out a lot and feel better every time I go for a long run. I've been trying to take back some ownership of my own life and not linking everything to her, which I had been doing (still do for certain things) since the BU.

 

Again, its all baby steps for me right now.

 

I think besides writing your own question, you wrote your own answer too. Your thinking appears sound to me.

 

Thanks GotMyLifeBack! I was wondering if I had completely lost it. I suppose I needed to vent more than anything.

 

the fact that you want to speak to her has nothing to do with whether she wants to speak to you (and based on what you said, she really doesn't, even if she did make some half-hearted contacts)

 

Ah yes....I needed to read that. A reminder that it's a 2 way street! I can't force her to care if I'm "feeling" like talking to her.

 

Don't break NC.

 

I'm quoting another post here, but there are a lot of defense mechanisms that kick in to help you get over someone. Her "ice cold" nature is part of that. Ignore it. I'm 1.5 months post-BU, and right before actual BU, her attitude towards me was "I love you, can't wait to be married". About 2 days later, "I don't know the feeling's just not there". A few days later, she tried to ask how I was doing (like sh**), and I asked her if she had time to talk.. I got "no, i'm leaving right now. ttyl, bye". She reached out a couple weeks later via text message asking "hey how r you?". I waited almost a week to respond. Told her I'm great, really busy. Hope she doing really good.

 

That said, it's normal for anybody to act that way. It's going to make the dumpee reach even more, and the dumper reject & feel even more certain of their decision. Stay out of those traps. Focus on YOU, and if she wants to reconcile in the future, she'll have no trouble letting you know..

 

I read this every morning, to solidify my NC decision: ]

 

ghengis...you hit the nail on the head. I've read that thread before and had forgotten how powerful it was and how true it rings right now.

 

I suppose I had never really thought of her attitude as a defense mechanism...it makes sense though. She was like that even when things were good in the RS and it bothered me that she could be so heartless at times with people that she said she "loved". Needless to say, she's had a lot of issues. You're right though I need to ignore it. Indifference is so powerful...I feel like I'm slowly getting there...very slowly.

 

Sticking to NC...again

[Live-N-Learn]

Yeah, don't break it my friend. Even if she responds it will not be what you want to hear and you will be back to day one realizing you need to start NC all over again. Or worse, she will give you some sort of breadcrumb to keep you on the hook. Either way you will suffer more than if you were NC. Keep pushing forward. You will get beyond this in time.

[ghengisT]

It sounds like you're further in the healing process than I am.. and you're doing so very well. When I got that text last week, I had been thinking about her all day (it was Sunday, and that was always our day to spend together). Luckily, I have been blessed with some super supportive coworkers who have transitioned to great friends. My buddy asked me how that makes me feel? Good, I think. He told me to look at it like a fishing line. She's trying to check the line for a bite. You can respond if you want to, but if you respond right now, it's on her terms. Take some time w/ each message & process it, so you don't make any emotion driven responses. Every point of contact from here on should be purely logic driven. Emotions will f- you up.

 

I waited until this last Friday morning to make my response. I gave up expectations of her responding, because I left the message loop closed. No questions, no assumptions. Answered her question, and wished her my best. I got a response from her that same night (made my mediocre night a good night). It was very grammatically correct, so I know she put some thought into it, possibly re-wrote it. She tried to sound very upbeat, and finished w/ another fishing line. The few times she's tried to reach out to me, it's in regards to a dog that I got her.. she know's that's something I'll talk to her about, and a valid conversation to get me to pursue her.

 

She's a great person, just has some emotional/mental demons to deal with before she can commit to a relationship. Sorry, venting on your thread

[Guitarguy_82]

Or worse, she will give you some sort of breadcrumb to keep you on the hook

 

I hadn't fully realized what this was until I started reading about this on ENA...that's exactly what the ex did a few weeks after our BU. I fell for it hard. After that was when I asked to meet up with her to talk (as mentioned in my first post) and she was able to oh-so-easily flake out because she had a nice little ego boost from me. This, of course, I didn't realize until way after the fact.

 

Every point of contact from here on should be purely logic driven. Emotions will f- you up.

 

Yeah they will. I remember after my BU with my ex-fiance many years ago I had to basically harden myself to emotions for a good year. I remember joking about telling people that I had no heart because I was a robot.

 

Silly analogy aside, there's some truth to it. While we can't just shut down all emotion, we need to process it logically so that we are not setting ourselves up for harm.

 

Emotionally I want to connect with her, but logically I need more time and need to leave things alone for a while. Maybe down the road I will unblock her on FB...but not yet. By that point I will need to be completely indifferent.