Husband vents on me when he's frustrated

[Clarabelle]

I haven't been on the forum in a while, because I realized that I didn't need to resolve my situation as desperately as I thought. Something that I'm learning when I'm angry, or upset, or depressed, it's not a good time to push for resolution, or make decisions, or even try to discuss things in a meaningful way with my husband. I've learned to let things blow over more and not to react. My husband does something that I would be interested in getting feedback on. We've been doing pretty well with the whole break-up and discussion of reconciliation. He contacts me pretty regularly (every day), frequently mentions he loves me, and is generally loving, respectful and positive, even though we have been living apart for almost six months. (I asked him to leave at the beginning of April, but I would eventually like to reconcile) I keep our interactions brief and friendly. However, when my husband is feeling upset or stressed about something in his life, he tries to turn it on me and turn it into my problem. Yesterday he was frustrated about his money situation and told me that I would have to let him work more and allow him to have less responsibilities towards our 3 year old. I got annoyed but I didn't allow it to blow out of proportion. He called me today (left a message) to apologize for his behavior from the day before, and I texted him back to say it was okay and that it was good that we were learning not to over-react over these things.

 

Nonetheless, it leaves me shaken when he says these cruel, with-holding and vindictive things to me, and I begin to focus on why I asked him to leave, why I don't like this side of him, and why I want to resolve this situation (to reconcile or not to reconcile) quickly. Well, like I said, I'm learning - I realize that these feelings will pass and the truth will be revealed with time. Just a few months ago, something like this would have triggered a full-scale fight that would have gone on over days, but I'm learning to control myself, which is a good thing, whether we stay together or not.

[guy40az]

You are going to need some counseling that's for sure. Actually if I were you and you are really thinking of getting back with him I would be in counseling right now.

 

It may seem like you guys are not fighting as much but you haven't been living together for 6 months so the intensity could come back after you get back together. I would go to counseling together for a while before you get back together.

 

If a person can learn not to lash out at the other person when your angry and wait till everything cools of it really makes the difference, as you can see now how that works. I always try to put my self in the other persons shoes but some of the things they do can make that as difficult as well.

[Clarabelle]

Thanks for your reply, guy40az. We both are in individual counseling and we've talked about going into couples counseling in the near future. Counseling is helping a lot, but I notice that it also stirs a lot of things up. We often have these moments of tension on Wednesdays, which is the day both of us go to therapy.

[freeben321]

maybe don't talk on wednesdays????

 

If you're apart, and it's for a reason...you're not really getting the space you need when you talk everyday...just don't talk on wednesdays...give yourselves time to process the therapy, and then talk on thursdays...

 

therapy can help us learn a lot about ourselves...and a lot of the time, we don't like what we learn....and that can cause stress...

 

so take some time to process that stress...to take in what you learn about yourself on wednesdays, and then see what happens...

 

freeben

[Clarabelle]

Thank you for your reply, freeben123. I try to keep our interactions to a minimum on Wednesday nights when I get home from therapy and he has been taking care of our daughter. Like I said in my earlier post, I'm learning not to react when he tries to take out his problems on me. It's going to be helpful to me regardless of whatever type of relationship we have in the future.

 

I've really tried to let my husband know that I'm open to working things out, going to couples counseling, etc. It's exactly these kinds of behaviors, like the one mentioned above, that we need to address. But he hasn't given any kind of committed indication that he is willing to do that, and he continues to live with his girlfriend. He can say that he loves me all he wants, but I'm less inclined, as time goes by, to accept that. I feel like my life is going forward. My work is going great. I wish I had more help with my daughter, and that I had a loving companion, but I'm confident that I will get help and that the right person will come along.