she has b/f, we just had sex

[lostNheartbroken]

Without writing a book I'll keep it short.

 

I've known this girl for a year, we've seen each other regularly for past 4 months. She has a boyfriend and we started as friends, but I believe both of us were attracted from the start. She calls me regularly, and I go to her work to visit her regularly. On her days off she's with me and we have a blast and hit it off every time. It's amazing.

 

Her boyfriend was her first, she's been with him since she was 16, she's 21 now. She says she wants to be with me, but she says she can't leave him because it's not right because he hasn't done anything bad to deserve being left after around 6 years, but she feels different.

 

So in 2 weeks I'm moving up near Frederick MD, and she's moving to Oklahoma. She said she needs to think about her life and what she wants. Her boyfriend works all the time, but this weekend is his last and next week he'll have all his time free, so she'll be with him instead of me.

 

That said, here's some of the conflicting stuff that's got me all confused.

 

She's made excuses with her boyfriend for next week to get away from him to see me.

She is very affectionate towards me.

Two days ago, after knowing her for a year, we had sex for the first time together.

Today, she woke up at 6:00am to see me. She wanted to take a nap which turned into 1 hour of sex and 45 minutes sleep.

 

We just keep going in circles, and if you drop the boyfriend from the picture we're just like lovers. All her friends love me, they say I'm so much better than her boyfriend and such. She goes out of her way to see me, but she won't take the step of leaving her boyfriend.

 

She would have to have feelings for me to have sex with me correct? I'm the second person she's been with, and it's taken 1 year for us to actually do it. She doesn't party much, she's kinda quiet, sweet and good girl. I feel that she's on the verge of leaving him for me, but not certain.

 

Anyone have any thoughts?

[under_the_pressure]

I'm as confused as you are. I don't understand why she wouldn't leave him, because all the signs are there. Even if he hasn't done anything...the feelings are gone. That's a reason. Don't stay with somebody because you've been together awhile, if there isn't anything left...you shouldn't stay with them.

 

I don't understand it either... If I was her, I would end it with someone I don't have feelings for anymore, time not being an issue and be with someone I know I have feelings for. But once again, nobody knows exactly what their relationship is like, except them 2.

 

good luck.

 

under*

[guy40az]

After just being cheated on by my wife you probably don't want to here any of my comments. So I will keep it simple.

 

Why would you get involved with a woman that is taken, she should have left him before she had a relationship with you.

 

Lets say for fun that she does leave him for you. It will always be in the back of your mind what she did to him.. hummm she was an hr late getting here……I wonder what she was doing …

 

Get the picture.

[under_the_pressure]

guy40az has a *VERY* good point.

Why would you get involved with a woman that is taken, she should have left him before she had a relationship with you.

 

Lets say for fun that she does leave him for you. It will always be in the back of your mind what she did to him.. hummm she was an hr late getting here……I wonder what she was doing

 

I didn't see it from that view. Maybe you should think about that.

 

 

under*

[lostNheartbroken]

Thanks for the response. I should add....

 

From the beginning of when things started to become more than friends I could sense she felt guilty. I didn't push anything once she told me she had a boyfriend, I completely stopped all advances towards her, but eventually it's just natural to progress I suppose.

 

She's foreign which I'm sure scares her to death because her life would be completely changed.

 

Today we had a kinda coming clean talk to just get everything out. She said she's never seen her boyfriend cry, but this week he was crying and saying she's changed. What a guilt trip to put on a person... She said things have been different in her relationship ever since she met me last year, but now she said every day her boyfriend talks about how different she is...

 

It's not some affair like you see in the movies. It's the most loving friendship I've ever had. Only 2 days ago did we have sex, that's after a year of wanting her. The best time I've ever had was teaching her how to drive...she took her drivers test and failed miserably, so I helped her learn how to parallel park and she nailed it perfectly on her first try. Stuff like that just makes me feel so good.

 

The other thing, I haven't had 1 day in the last year she hasn't been priority on my mind. I haven't even had sex with anyone in almost 6 months because I've only thought of her, even though she has a boyfriend she has sex with. I've had no desire and have turned girls away just to keep myself open for this girl. So strange...

[under_the_pressure]

Well, I guess since you all progressed this far, I'm not going to jump on you. Obviously, you two are falling for each other, and whether she likes it or not she'll have to end it with her boyfriend sooner or later. She is just hurting him more by staying with him. I just don't understand why she would want to stay with him, just because of how long they've been together. I'm as confused as you...

 

under*

[lostNheartbroken]

I've been cheated on with a previous girlfriend in the past and it killed me. I was so jealous of when she'd be out or not come home when she should have and so on.

 

With this girl now I am not jealous whatsoever because I feel as though I've already got her, just not physically. Emotionally I feel as though she's mine.

 

She isn't the type to be an hour late, she's not the type that has a lot of guy friends or flirtatious even. She's the quiet girl who doesn't party. She's very smart and it's completely different from any situation I've ever been in or seen in my life.

 

So if you had a b/f or g/f at age 16 you must marry that person and spend your whole life with them? I understand she should have taken 1 of us at a time, but it was an accident us meeting. We've both tried to not see each other. I think she feels it's easier to just go with the life she's got right now, but her mind and heart are in a different place.

 

But it's worse on her b/f for her to stay with him out of pity.

[under_the_pressure]

Okay, well she needs to get this break-up over with, because I think she wants it. But doesn't want to hurt him and because they've been together 6 years. *But* , I would think she would want to be 100% happy then staying with someone because of something like that.

 

I don't know what else to say. Good luck.

 

under*

[ECD]

She is not good dating material. She cheated on her BF, tells you about her integrity, doesent it? She is only good as a **** buddy. Oh and stay away from the bf.

[lostNheartbroken]

Cheated after having a strong emotional connection to me for a year...not a 1 nighter at a party, but after 1 year of seeing each other things have built up to this. Most people would have caved after a month or two...

 

Believe me, I got chlamidia last winter after my gf cheated on me, so I can relate to what it's like to have a girl cheat on you. Believe me...

 

That's why I'm on here, because everything is so odd...My mind tells me one thing, my heart disagrees, eventually I follow my mind, and it doesn't work out, so I follow my heart and find myself here.

 

We started as friends, but I wanted to date her, I was shy and didn't let her know my intentions...she didn't let me know her intentions. Finally she told me about her boyfriend after we formed an emotional connection. I was heart broken when she told me she had a boyfriend, I thought it would be so simple...

[Shinobie]

Its true that she should just leave him but she is feeling like she should do somethign nice by not breaking up with him but WOW she is cheating on him.Its better to dump him then cheat him and mang u should feel bad urself u sound like u have no respect for ur fellow man why would u do that behind ur own fellow males back?Why dont u just tell her to drop the guy or wait for her to dump the guy.Too me its guys like u who get all the good setups but dont deserve them......

[Cecelius]

She's weak, and she has put herself in a position where she wants others to do for her what she can't bring herself to do. Maybe that's not a bad thing (ie, better than concluding that she's a cheater for life) but it isn't good.

 

If you do get her, understand that if your game is not good or if you don't continue to have all the cool qualities that she secretly wants, this will happen to you too. Maybe you have these qualities naturally, and maybe not. Maybe her faithfulness is premised on your availablity to keep her entertained. Maybe her cheating on him is just a part of her method of breaking up with a boy (she may even credit herself with loyalty because MOST girls would have dumped him a year ago but she stayed for his benefit, while cheating on him -- how privileged he would feel).

 

You have some culpability in this too: wandering around trying to hook up with girls with boyfriends, even if you honestly care about them, is not a great passtime.

 

Until she proves otherwise, which will take a long time, she's at best confused and impressionable, at worst a faithfullness-challenged girl. Which is another way of saying that she is young (as you are too I think).

 

You need to realize that (1) this may be the only time she does something like this in her life (or just the first time) (2) it's a messy situation that won't get solved quickly and you cannot tear yourself up about it.

 

Sit back, enjoy your time with her, enjoy other girls and realize that it might work out and it might not. And even if it does, she will still be young, impressionable and not have a great moral compass. You may have the magic to keep her interested, but it would suck to start off that way.

[NinjaLink]

I'll put in my 2 cents! Well, to be honest, if i was you, i wouldnt want to be with someone that has cheated on her boyfriend! That type of stuff will effect your future with her...it will not just effect you, but it will also effect her to!! Let me break it down. As you two are together or whatever later on in the future, you will get these flashbacks of what happened in the past with her and that type of stuff will get you wondering man....Kind of stuff like "I just broke someone's longterm relationship with a guy she has built a relationship for 6 years...What kind of person am I???"...."She cheated on someone to be with me...how will i know if she will cheat on me??"