it's so hard to just pretend like eveyrthing's ok

[sandrawg]

So...it's been a little over a month since my ex dumped me. For people who don't remember my story, it was a blindside breakup after 6 months. I thought everything was fine. NYE he said he was falling in love with me. Jan. 24, he bails, saying "the feelings aren't there" and when I finally get an explanation email from him, it's all about how he's too selfish to be in a rels'hip and he can't be responsible for someone else's wellbeing etc.

 

He's one of those classic, pull you close and pursue you, then once you are his, he bails. I think. I dunno. I'm still confused.

 

I still can't stop thinking about him. I still cry at least a little bit every day. I still feel this low-level pain. The hard part is maintaining a front for my friends. It's like..people these days expect you to dust yourself off ASAP and just pretend like nothing ever happened. Nobody understands. Sometims it takes months to get over a breakup but NOBODY asks me anymore how I'm doing. And it's not getting better. It's so hard-I feel like I'm acting half the time.

[ryukage99]

How old is he and how old are you?

If he was young he just wants a challenge,Ever see the Movie John Tucker Must Die. Some girls play hard to get,to keep guys interested.

[delicous]

Girl, I know what you are going through... I think my ex is the same. I initiated every one of our breakups because of selfishness on his part or me having lack of trust, so I get it....It's like the more close you get, the farther away he distance himself... He told me he loves me about a month before the behavior started again...I know the right thing to do is to go no contact, and I mean absolutly none for at least a month but no longer than a month....It's so difficult, I know...I have spent weeks crying in bed over him...I get it!

 

If you ever need to just RANT, feel free to message me..I am in a even more difficult situation than you though because his ex is STILL in the picture...!!

[MissieP]

Yep I understand i've been there before and I still have those moments occasionally. It is all apart of healing! When someone destroys you it hurts believe me! It isn't like you can snap your fingers and boom you are healed. It takes time ( I am still healing) even though I just hit my 3 month mark.

[delicous]

MissieP: 3 months is nothing...It's been over 1 year with my past relationship, lol....It's good your already healing, wish it was that way with me but the one thing I learned is the longer you hold on, the longer the healing will take and have to constantly restart....

[TangySour]

I know exactly how you feel. My friends even straight up told me "dude, I would have moved on in like a week". It is absolute zero help. I know they mean well but when they say that, it's like them saying I'm weak sauce and can't do things. It has been a little bit over a month for me too and as much as I have come a long way and can do my own things and be happy, I still miss her a lot and would want nothing more than to ask for another chance.

[Sanders24]

So...it's been a little over a month since my ex dumped me.

 

If your RS was anywhere near significant, its a short amount of time. Dont forget that month 2 will also come.

 

I dunno. I'm still confused.

 

Off course you are. My one month mark was the time when all the reality of the BU started to really set in.

 

I still can't stop thinking about him. I still cry at least a little bit every day. I still feel this low-level pain.

 

If you are anywhere near a normal human, this is perfectly normal. Its not much of a comfort, I know, but remember that those painful moments will eventually subside.

 

It's like..people these days expect you to dust yourself off ASAP and just pretend like nothing ever happened.

 

Yes they do, b/c they are not in your shoes curently and they want to see your old persona as fast as possible, dont be annoyed by that.

 

Sometims it takes months to get over a breakup but NOBODY asks me anymore how I'm doing. And it's not getting better. It's so hard-I feel like I'm acting half the time.

 

Dont waste your time on thinking about why people dont ask you how are you. Ultimately its only your burden to beare and ride through. I myself had only one or two friends and no family to talk to after my BU and even those two where a bit tired after several talks and multiple analyzes of my BU. Its maybe better that way, you need to ride it through in full effect. After some time even you will be tired of it, believe me.

 

I had my heart smashed into zillion pieces after 8 years RS so dont think Im just cheap-talking here.

Im not healed yet but Im in a much better place now 3 months post BU. Remember that this is also your destination eventually.

[Thisisnotme]

Yes, to be built up and thrown away is horrible. I am only a week into BU with a man that promised me the world more than once in the last 3.5 years (actually in the last month) then dumped me on the phone last Friday night. My friends are so tired f hearing it already. I think they are avoiding my calls. I already have people asking when I plan to start dating again - really? How about never! If someone has not been through it they cannot possibly understand the depth of the pain. I am thankful I found this site. It has helped me and know will help me in the months to come. Be strong when yo can, but it is OK to be weak when you need to.

[sandrawg]

We have more in common than you know. His ex was somewhat in the picture, too. I mean, he wasn't seeing her still, I don't think. But she would call him and whine about the fact that he'd replaced her, and he'd tell me about it and seemed sympathetic. I think having her in his life only made him confused!

 

Girl, I know what you are going through... I think my ex is the same. I initiated every one of our breakups because of selfishness on his part or me having lack of trust, so I get it....It's like the more close you get, the farther away he distance himself... He told me he loves me about a month before the behavior started again...I know the right thing to do is to go no contact, and I mean absolutly none for at least a month but no longer than a month....It's so difficult, I know...I have spent weeks crying in bed over him...I get it!

 

If you ever need to just RANT, feel free to message me..I am in a even more difficult situation than you though because his ex is STILL in the picture...!!

[sandrawg]

I saw an article on yahoo where they said a blindside is the worst kind of breakup and takes the longest to get over, and I totally agree with that..having been thru other types of breakups.

 

Yes, to be built up and thrown away is horrible. I am only a week into BU with a man that promised me the world more than once in the last 3.5 years (actually in the last month) then dumped me on the phone last Friday night. My friends are so tired f hearing it already. I think they are avoiding my calls. I already have people asking when I plan to start dating again - really? How about never! If someone has not been through it they cannot possibly understand the depth of the pain. I am thankful I found this site. It has helped me and know will help me in the months to come. Be strong when yo can, but it is OK to be weak when you need to.

[sandrawg]

link removed

[MissieP]

I got cheated on and blindedsided too. I mean I had my hunches he was cheating but he always told me how much he loved me and how much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and then when he left me for another woman someone who wasn't even his type ( he had types) I was blindsided because I thought I knew him obviously I didn't. He was just a liar.....

[w3002665]

The phrase "fake it til you make it" applies to so many situations in life, and none more so than this. I know. Not saying that sometimes it doesn't get the better of me. That feeling of pretending to be fine all the time -- sunny smile and positive attitude -- it can really be frustrating sometimes. But I do it anyway. When my relationship fell apart, I called home on a Wednesday and said I would be coming home for the weekend while he moved his things out of the house. The reply I got from my family was that I had until Saturday to feel sorry for myself. And then no more. At first I was a little upset about this, thinking to myself -- I have been in this relationship for 5 years, lived with him for 3....and I'm supposed to pull myself together in 3 days? But starting early with the smiling and faking it made me a champion at it. A month after this I went home again, and they tell me "We're just so happy because you are so happy....happier than we've seen you in a long time." All the while I'm thinking to myself....if you only knew how I really was....

 

But the thing is that eventually the faking it is less fake and more how you actually feel. Not all of the time, of course. There are still moments, even whole days when it is a total front, and if I were not at work or with friends or family I would be falling apart. But putting on the smile and pretending keeps your feet moving, however slowly, one foot in front of the other. Which I guess is better than staying stuck in that same spot feeling sorry for yourself and letting it define your every waking moment. For me, letting that define and dominate every part of my life isn't how I want to live.

 

However, there are times when it is simply too much, and I can't fake it. In those times, I tend to avoid going home or exchanging anything more than light, quick conversations with my family. This past holiday season was especially difficult for me...first Christmas apart, anniversaries of important(some good and some really bad) events in our relationship, etc. I was thankful to have work to return to as being home for just the holiday weekend was almost more than I could stand. It took me over a month to recover....it was a definite down-swing. I know they feel neglected, but I also know that I probably could not have kept it together with them all if I had been home more often, called more often. I needed to take care of me. And I did. The advice here that someone said about having to go through some of this on your own is true, at least in my situation. It's a very private, personal grief for me.

 

Nat King Cole has a song for this....."Smile." Sad, but affirming at the same time. And very, very true. Best of luck.