My friend is draining me

[Lucy3]

I have a friend who i have know for about 7 years. Shes been a great friend and we have had so many fun times together.

 

Shes never had a great relationship with her mum, i think she sometimes feels quite rejected by her. Its been gettin to her more lately and her luck seems to be out, in the last 6 months shes had a fair bit of bad luck, although a lot of it has been down to her own silly actions- shes gone a bit crazy recently. Drink, drugs, getting into stupid situations etc.

 

I really do feel for her but all she ever talks about now is herself and how unlucky she is (she cant see that lot of it is because of her own actions) ive tried to give her advice and time after time i have listened to her problems and tried to advise her (which always falls on deaf ears) she is the kind of person who loves a drama and sometimes when shes talking about all the recent bad things that have happened you can see the slight smirk on her face like shes secretly enjoying the drama. She also posts about all her bad luck on facebook expecting sympathy and comments. This friend of mine is deep down quite insecure but on the surface appears very confident and friendly with everyone. She needs constant validation and to be told how amazing and pretty she is by others. She also feels the need to constantly tell me that this person said this nice thing about her and that person said how beautiful she is etc- constant validation is needed from others so tht she feels good about herself. Her last relationship ended because she would constantly tell him how many guys were telling her she was pretty and flirting with her etc. And he couldnt cope with it in the end.

 

Anyways.....my problem is that i feel drained when i see her now, the conversation is allllll about her and how crap she feels all the time. Shes recently come off anti depressants and i am trying to encourage her to get back to her doctors. Shes tried talking to psychologists before but it doesnt really do much for her. I am finding that i dont want to meet up with her so much anymore as i come away feeling drained. I dont know what to do. I want to be there for her as a friend but she just repeats over and over again how bad everything is and never listns to me, shes not the fun person she used to be

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated or anyone been in a similar situation?

[MikNomis]

I know how that feels, insecure people are definitely not easy to be friends with in my experience. My advice is a little harsh, and that's to get away from them.

 

In my experience, they don't change due to anything other than internal reflection and growing up. It's my opinion that friends always being there for them sort of protects and nurtures their insecurity and so eliminates the need for them to change.

[sidehop]

I hate to say this but she's really portraying a narcissistic behavior if not a psychopath. Two are closely related and usually cannot tell the difference. The problem is both narcissistic individual and who are considered psychopaths aren't going to listen or admit to any wrong doing. They are nice individuals on the surface but are often habitual liars and backstabbers. So in that sense you really have to consider just taking few steps back slowly and if things don't improve, you need to cut off your friendship.

 

As much as that will be difficult for you to do, people like her will not not change easily if not get worse. Narcissistic individual's biggest fear is they hate to be proven wrong; whether or not that stems from her childhood not having any sort of validation, they seek them in the wrong way as adults. I'm sure it's 99% of the time the conversation and her actions are about her.

 

Just be warned if and when you decide to cut ties with her, she will lie, spread rumors about you and find the next victim that will act as her shield and confirmation of her identity.

[laura40]

I agree with both responses, I think you either need to cut her out of your life or speak to her. It's not a healthy friendship right now.

[Gracelove]

This friend of mine is deep down quite insecure but on the surface appears very confident and friendly with everyone.

 

She needs constant validation and to be told how amazing and pretty she is by others. She also feels the need to constantly tell me that this person said this nice thing about her and that person said how beautiful she is etc- constant validation is needed from others so tht she feels good about herself.?

Her last relationship ended because she would constantly tell him how many guys were telling her she was pretty and flirting with her etc. And he couldnt cope with it in the end.?

 

This reminds me of my cousin.

 

Anyways.....my problem is that i feel drained when i see her now, the conversation is allllll about her and how crap she feels all the time. Shes recently come off anti depressants and i am trying to encourage her to get back to her doctors. Shes tried talking to psychologists before but it doesnt really do much for her. I am finding that i dont want to meet up with her so much anymore as i come away feeling drained. I dont know what to do. I want to be there for her as a friend but she just repeats over and over again how bad everything is and never listns to me, shes not the fun person she used to be

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated or anyone been in a similar situation?

 

I've been in this situation before, it does becoming draining after a while. Just give yourself a little break from her. I know it's hard, because you want to be there for your friend, that's natural. However, sometimes you get so used to being the friend that's always there, and you don't want to disappoint.

 

Actually I experienced this a few times.

 

One of the friends was a Debbie Downer allll day long. Nothing would make her feel better. I would listen, and give her the best advice I could about her situation, but she'd never take it. I was even struggling with depression myself at that time. I would give her little tips like, if she's feeling down she can watch cute and funny videos on You Tube to lift her spirit (even if only for a few minutes). She would give an excuse for not being able to do that. It's so simple.

 

Anywho, time and time again she would tell me about her horrible life, wait as if expecting advice, only to disregard any that was imparted.

 

It was sad. Basically nothing helped her. I was trying to stick around because all of her other friends abandonded her, because they couldn't take it anymore. Eventually I gave up as well. All she would talk about were her problems, ones she wanted no help with. Anytime you tried to change the subject, she'd change it right back. It was awful. It changed who she was. It's like she liked being the way that she was, just so she could talk about it non-stop.

 

Anywho, in other situations it's usually more manageble. You just take a little break for yourself, and return to be the supportive friend. What can you say?

[Lucy3]

Thanks for your opinions guys, i dont want to cut her out of my life though, we have been friends for so long and i know this wont go onforever,i met up with her the other day and made loads of effort trying to steer the conversation to positive things and it was a lot better. The whole evening wasnt spent talking about her problems! I am still goingto try and distance myself for a bit though.

 

Grace....what was the outcome with u and your troubled friend? Are u still friends now? Do u still see her?

[rapunzel]

Your story strikes a chord with me - reminds me of a difficult person/friend I am having problems with. It's painful and awkward because socially we know some of the same people. Over the last 4 years we became friends through another friend and now I am trying to extricate myself from the friendship and it is incredibly difficult and upsetting for me. She is the type of person who is constantly judging others who she feels are "less than" she in some way. I have even heard her exclaim about herself: "Oh I can be such a judgmental person!". Well yeah, nice that she can have some insight into her own behavior and I know she has judged me mercilessly. This woman also has family difficulties and generally is a high maintenance, hard to get along with person although she has a couple of female friends who she adores and has on a pedestal so they are immune. Both of these woman are high achievers, have advanced in their careers, own expensive real estate and have solid relationships/family so my friend looks up to them, thus she does not judge them. I also like and admire these women but my "friend" has entirely different relationships with them than she does with me and she actively tries to keep me away from them in some way, as if, egads, they might actually like me but she cannot tolerate that idea. Somehow I threaten her. It sucks. Because she looks down on me and actually (I think) is jealous, she treats me as an inferior and frankly, after that ridiculous fight we had, I've had enough. Anyone who doesn't meet her ridiculous standards gets a tongue lashing. I myself was subjected to one of the worst tongue lashings in my life from her when I made the huge mistake of going away with her for a weekend a few months ago.

 

Yet on the outside, she can be charming, generous and warm which is how we became friends but after a while, I realized she was always putting other people down and pumping herself up. And yes, she does seem to require the same kind of validation but not about her looks, more about her accomplishments. Overtime it became obvious that she is a really insecure person as she is often making self-congratulatory statements about herself. And while she is crowing about how amazing she is, other people are getting put down and criticized. Enough!

 

I spent way too much time trying to decide if she was a narcissist or a borderline personality. I think she is a bit of both. I just go so tired of walking on eggshells that I've had to slowly extricate myself and right now we are in a period of uncomfortable "radio silence" although we occasionally socialize with a group (including the one woman she adores). Her history is one of having intense friendships that blow up so I'm quite certain that eventually she will "lose it" with her friend and subject her to an angry tirade.

 

Anyway, it's tough with same sex friendships because it's not like a romantic relationship where you actually break up. With female friendships that are on the rocks, it seems that you just slowly stop talking to each other and it's a much longer process. Despite my current discomfort with our slowly ending friendship, I feel a sense of relief that I am not subjected to her negativity, judgment and criticism of myself and other people.

 

Sorry for the long post, when I saw "My friend is draining me" I just wanted to share my story and it does feel good to get it out. I hope things work out for you and your friend while gently distancing yourself. It seems like you are handling it well. Good luck!