Thanks for all your help!

[lost_puppy]

First of all, I've been browsing this forum for a few days before registering, so I'd like to thank all the eNotAlone posters who answered other people's threads. You've helped me without even knowing it! Reading about other people in the same situation as me really helps me feel that I'm "not alone" and if others can get through this, so can I!

 

Now for my situation (read on only if you're curious ). I was dating this wonderful woman for 2.5 years. We were getting along truly marvelously and had so much in common. We moved into the same apartment building 1.5 years ago after having lived together for a few months before that (yes, we moved in together pretty soon...). So basically we've been living together for 2 years (she spent most of the time in my apartment). Oh, she's 8 years younger than me, if that makes any difference...

 

A couple of weeks ago she suddenly started talking about how I was the wrong man for her. She had a couple of very good reasons, mostly conflicting schedules (I'm a musician with a day job, so I'm always tied up from 9-5, then I practice and/or gig till pretty late at night ... she wants more of a "traditional" lifestyle with dinner at 7pm, quiet fireside chats after that, and in bed before midnight). There were a bunch of other reasons, too, and it sounded like she had been thinking about this for a while. I offered to do the best I could to compromise, alter my schedule, try to make the other things "right", etc, because I wanted to keep her. I'll admit that once or twice in frustration I said, "well, it looks like the easiest solution is for us to break up", but then I'd always follow it by saying that I don't want to break up and that I'd like to work things out.

 

But then last week Friday she came to my apartment and dropped the bomb. Later that evening, I called her and asked her if there's anything, any possible way for us to work things out. Her reply was that she's only concerned that I'll have a difficult time with the breakup. Definitely sounded like she'd made up her mind.

 

The next day I visited my grandfather in Philly, and when I came back all of her stuff was cleared out of my apartment. Again indicating that she considered herself out of my life.

 

So at that point I initiated NC (it's funny, long before I knew about enotalone, I've always used the NC tactic ... it's always been my best way to deal with breakups ... and the first time I saw NC in this forum, I thought, huh? people who've just broken up should visit North Carolina? LOL!). Of course, I'm going through the same thing that many of you are, I miss her terribly, I can't stop thinking about her, I feel physical pain for most of the day, low self-esteem, etc .... But even though I know I should fill up my time with fun activities and hanging out with friends and such, it's so hard to motivate myself to do anything other than mope around the house. (Incidentally, it'll be interesting to see how the NC thing works out, since we are in the same building, 2 floors apart...) I know that time will heal all, I've been through at least one similar situation, but this girl was so perfect for me and I'm truly sad to lose her (though I know in another couple of months I may not feel that way).

 

Thanks again for everyone's advice and comforting words. You don't even need to reply to my post, I'll just keep reading all the other posts and be inspired!!

 

(Oh, sorry for the inanely long post )

[light bulb]

Why did she leave you? Just because of your lifestyle? Who is she living with now? Maybe she was hoping you'd give up music (at least for the time being) and attempt to settle down with her.

[lunatic]

I have always looked at it this way. If she cannot accept you as you are then she is not meant for you. You should not fret because you will meet someone out there that is more like you in terms of mentality and lifestyle.

 

Hubman 8)

[lost_puppy]

Why did she leave you? Just because of your lifestyle? Who is she living with now? Maybe she was hoping you'd give up music (at least for the time being) and attempt to settle down with her.

Well, what I gathered from our week's worth of talks (which was really only a couple of hours at most) was that the schedule was the main reason. There were also a few other reasons, she mentioned that the fact that I was content with the way the relationship was and didn't want to change it until she brought it up, and there was a long-term issue of settling down (she wanted to move back to California, I am content in NYC), but I don't think that was a major factor. The weird thing is, after she broke up with me, she wrote me a note and taped it to my door saying that she wrote out a list of reasons she left me, if I wanted to see it. But by that time I'd initiated NC, so I didn't respond to her.

 

Oh, and she's living in her own apartment, 2 floors down, right now. Don't know if there's anyone else there with her

 

I don't think she wanted me to give up music. In fact, I think that's why she left me instead of suggesting that I give up music, because she knows how important it is to me. She's a dancer/actress, so she also understands what it's like to be in love with one's art (and which is why I thought she'd be more respectful of my need to play).

[lost_puppy]

I have always looked at it this way. If she cannot accept you as you are then she is not meant for you. You should not fret because you will meet someone out there that is more like you in terms of mentality and lifestyle.

 

Hubman 8)

Thanks, Hubman. Though in my present state of mind, I'm doubting whether anyone can "deal" with my present lifestyle. Although the eventual goal is to be able to survive without a day job, that hasn't been the case in the 2.5 years I was dating my ex. I guess my focus now will be to work on my music so that I actually can quit the day job and have time during the day to devote to nurturing a relationship.

 

Easier said than done

[lunatic]

Easier said than done

 

Aint that the truth my friend and I wish you well.

 

Good luck,

Hubman 8)

[light bulb]

Why did she leave you? Just because of your lifestyle? Who is she living with now? Maybe she was hoping you'd give up music (at least for the time being) and attempt to settle down with her.

Well, what I gathered from our week's worth of talks (which was reall yonly a couple of hours at most) was that the schedule was the main reason. There were also a few other reasons, she mentioned that the fact that I was content with the way the relationship was and didn't want to change it until she brought it up, and there was a long-term issue of settling down (she wanted to move back to California, I am content in NYC), but I don't think that was a major factor. The weird thing is, after she broke up with me, she wrote me a note and taped it to my door saying that she wrote out a list of reasons she left me, if I wanted to see it. But by that time I'd initiated NC, so I didn't respond to her.

 

Oh, and she's living in her own apartment, 2 floors down, right now. Don't know if there's anyone else there with her

 

I don't think she wanted me to give up music. In fact, I think that's why she left me instead of suggesting that I give up music, because she knows how important it is to me. She's a dancer/actress, so she also understands what it's like to be in love with one's art (and which is why I thought she'd be more respectful of my need to play).

 

I think it would be a good idea for you to request to see that list. Although moving out is kinda drastic, she did move into the same building you live in! So maybe she's reaching out to you and doesn't really want things to be over with. I wouldn't initiate NC until you've figured out everything there is to figure out. Of course if she has no will or desire to speak with you at all (regarding the relationship), initiate NC now.

 

FWIW, a list of reasons for getting dumped is something not many of us are blessed with by our exes. As a matter of fact, you're about the only person I've ever seen post about an ex willing to give you some sense of closure without even asking! Although you got dumped...you're really lucky to even have that option! I know I was left in the dark and the reasons for my getting dumped are still a bit of a mystery to me (which still bothers me).

[lost_puppy]

Hmmm, I'll have to think about that. For one thing, NC is slowly helping pull me out of my depression, and also, I'm afraid that just seeing the list will set me back. But I can definitely see where you're coming from, I guess it'd help for future relationships (though everyone's different, reasons that are important to one may not even matter to another...)

 

So I don't know. I'm kinda scared. Are there any other opinions out there?

 

Thanks,

LP

[light bulb]

Well, if you have no desire to get back together with her her, then continue NC and forget the letter. I was under the impression that you didn't want to be broken up with her. NC is definitely best for healing...so if you want to move, keep doing what you're doing.

[lost_puppy]

Well, if you have no desire to get back together with her her, then continue NC and forget the letter. I was under the impression that you didn't want to be broken up with her. NC is definitely best for healing...so if you want to move, keep doing what you're doing.

Well, I do want to get back together with her, in an ideal world, but what I read from her words & actions was that she had no desire to. So that's why I'm trying to deal with that fact by NC. I already tried once (the day she dumped me) to ask her what I could do to get her back, and that failed miserably, so I don't really want to try again (don't want to be the clingy, needy, please-take-me-back ex...)

 

But whether or not there's any possiblility of getting her back, I can see the value in having that list of reasons she broke up with me.

 

Do you really think that maybe she wants me back?

[light bulb]

I'd guess you still have a chance...maybe it's a small chance, but the fact that she's offering you that list leads me to believe there is some hope. Let us know what happens!

[lost_puppy]

I'd guess you still have a chance...maybe it's a small chance, but the fact that she's offering you that list leads me to believe there is some hope. Let us know what happens!

Ok ... ummm ... I get your point ... but still a bit scared to break NC. Can I get a few more opinions maybe?

 

Should I

1. Ask her for "the list" (probably text her and have her slip it under my door) ... then risk depression and other emotional setbacks, but possibly be able to call her later and say, hey listen we can work out most of these points, and maybe just maybe get her back (but maybe not, if she's already made up her mind as I think she has)?

 

2. Keep NC, don't get the list, assume that she'll never come back to me (not right now anyways), keep healing, and don't risk acting the desperate, please-take-me-back ex?

 

Opinions, please! (Keep in mind she just dumped me 2 weeks ago and I'm still emotionally unstable...)

 

Thanks,

LP

[lost_puppy]

Ok, never mind with the advice ... I talked to my sister and she said I should definitely get that list of reasons my ex dumped me. So since she and Oatmeal recommended it, I just texted her and asked her to slip the list under my door. Now I'm totally NOT looking forward to getting home and seeing the list ....

[lost_puppy]

Update (if anyone cares):

 

Ok, so yesterday I broke my NC to ask my ex for the "list of reasons she broke up with me" (asked her to slip it under my door). But then last night she texted me back saying "you've heard every reason. those reasons i just wrote out to remind myself not to call you." (Whatever that means.) But THEN, she called my cell. I didn't answer, and her voice mail said something like "I'm glad you didn't answer, we probably shouldn't talk, but if you want to talk you can call me." (Oh, and she never gave me that "list".)

 

So what do I do now?? I feel like texting her again and saying, if you want to get back together, I'll call you, otherwise LEAVE ME ALONE! I mean, I don't want to talk to her under false hope that she wants to get back together, when in reality she's just having a little bout of depression and wants to talk, but has no intention of getting back together. The latter would just make me feel worse (I want to reinstate NC, since it's better for my healing process. But I think for her it's the opposite, she likes to talk things out, and keep in regular touch with her ex, at least based on her dealings with her other exes.)

 

Anyways, any advice would be appreciated

 

Thanks for reading,

LP

[light bulb]

Sorry I'm the only one responding! My suggestion would be to definitely not give her that ultimatum. If you have any desire to get back with her, telling her that will only push her away farther. At this point, I'd go back to NC and give it some time or hear what she has to say for a little bit and then reinstate nc.

[lost_puppy]

Sorry I'm the only one responding!

No prob, Oatmeal, thanks for your advice. Actually I was going to apologize for this thread becoming like my personal blog!

 

Here's a new update: She finally did stick that "list" under my door last night. Without going into the details (14 reasons), most of them were reasons that I've heard before (topping the list was, of course, scheduling conflicts), but there were a couple of surprises, either things she never mentioned or things that I really thought we had already worked out months or years ago and were not issues anymore.

 

Anyways, seeing the list convinced me that she's moved on with her life, so I should feel good about reinitiating NC until I've healed. So that's what I think I'll do, starting now.

 

*sigh* [gets ready to buckle down for the long haul...]

[Clarabelle]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, lost puppy. Something that occurs to me that perhaps you may not have thought about - for whatever it's worth. I am a musician and my husband (we are separated) is an aspiring musician. It can be very difficult for two creative people to co-exist in a relationship. I can say quite honestly that my husband's aspirations and desires for uninterrupted practice time or playing his drums in the house really infringed on my practicing, gigging and composing. As romantic as it is to contemplate a relationship of two creative people nurturing and inspiring each other, there is also jealousy, insecurity, and the battle of the egos. Sometimes I wish that my husband didn't want to be in a creative field because it creates tremendous instability and tension between us. I'd love to be cherished and appreciated for my musical pursuits instead of feeling like we are competing with each other. I don't know if that's at all helpful. It sounds like you are doing fine.

[lost_puppy]

Clarabelle, thanks for that insight! Yes, I totally romanticized the notion of 2 artists mutually supporting each other. And I guess in this case (and in yours) it didn't work. I know it does work in some cases (my keyboard player is married to a vocalist he works with a lot, AND runs a recording business with), but I guess it takes a special attitude from both people for it to work. However, it certainly was nice to be able to talk to her on an artistic level and have her understand certain things without me having to explain...

 

Another update: she keeps coming up with excuses to contact me (voice mails, text messages) and even though I feel like I'm being rude to her by not responding to her, I gotta keep NC going. Or maybe I should tell her that I need NC for a while to recover and that I'll contact her when I'm ready?

 

LP