The disposable wife

[k33]

I am feeling so low today. Why go on and all that. I try to come up with a reason to keep living every day... today I am hard pressed. How did I become someone that is disposable to the people I love. My dad won't talk to me because his wife and I don't get along. My best friend thinks that I am too much to deal with. My husband thinks I am someone not worthe fighting for... "I just don't love you any more". (second husband to do this to me in 3 years)

 

My job is on the line... I feel so disposable. The only thing keeping me going is that i have a dog no one would take care of. Losing me would be a "oh that's too bad... so what are we doing later." to almost everyone I know.

 

I would kill myself if I wasn't so chicken.

[under_the_pressure]

Hey...I was there just a few days ago. Not the job, wife, dad things but at:

I would kill myself if I wasn't so chicken.

I'm sure people will care if you died. When you are down/depressed it's like wearing sun-glasses all the time. Everything is dark, and you think un-realisticly. But deep down, whether you'll admit it right now, somebody cares if you died.

 

I am here for you. You can pm me anytime. People care. We care. You are not alone.

 

under*

[Coyote_the_trickster]

hey if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here

 

 

yeah...I too was and still am in a sense of what you feel like, but I wont pretend to know or what it feels like for you now, because I don't know.

 

 

just know if you want a "friend" or someone who you can talk to I am always here....

[MrMikeWikowski]

I know how you feel.

 

Take it one minute, one steop at a time

 

PM if you need

[mtastic]

I've been there too. Sometimes I feel like if I just disappeared, nobody would notice, and if someone did, they wouldn't really care. Its like smetimes I wish I could have that "its a wonderful life" treatment, and be shown how worse off the world would be without me, but feel like thats not what I would hear if it happened. My best advice is to keep going, you're just down in a slump right now, things will get better. Keep posting here, we'll listen, and we want to help. Try helping out a few people yourself, it will pick you up, trust me.

 

Best of luck to you, and PM if you want to talk,

mtastic

[k33]

I keep thinking it will get better. He will snap out of it and see what he has lost. At least he would feel really bad about what he has done to me. That I will finally stop crying. And it just isn't happening. He has moved on with his life and i am left to clean up the mess yet again.

 

I know I have to go on and get through this, but I don't want to. Nothing in my life is going right and I have no control over any of it. It just seems that my role in life is to clean up other people's messes. And that I am not worth anything to anyone. I know that's not true, but it really feels that way.

 

I am kind, smart, funny, relatively attractive, I can take care of myself and I am really good person. All I get back for this is to get kicked in the head repeatedly. No one ever sticks by me or takes care of me. They just disappear, as soon as I feel comfortable and that they will be there for me. And I am left alone over and over again.

 

I feel totally worthless. Like you said about it's a wonderful life, I wouldn't like that moment, because no one would have anything better or worse, it would be the same. The men I have looked after would have had to take care of themselves. And I wouldn't be in a world of pain.

[crizlee]

I ask myself everyday

Why dont I just fade away?

And I keep on the run

Hoping for better things to come.

As another day goes,

I try to destroy my foes

That dwell in my head

Screaming that I should be dead.

[Zipp]

You are not alone. Although every situation is different, we all have days when we wonder why are we still here. You are not disposable, you sound like you are surrounded by people that can't see you for the person you really are.

 

People you don't even know would miss you, you are part of this site. We all come to this site for support and advice, and if you weren't around that would be one less link in our chain. Things will get better, so when you need to vent we are here. Take care of yourself.

[k33]

The thing that sucks is the only reasons I can come up with are other people's feelings. I can't come up with one solid reason to stay alive for myself.

 

One thing that I am contributing to the world. One reason I should continue to take up oxygen.

 

I have never been suicidal in my life, but there is just too much pain for me to continue on like this. I never even understood how someone could be suicidal. Now, I totally can, I can't walk past the knives in the kitchen with out a flash of hurting myself. I can't walk past the bathroom without thinking of overdosing. I can't drive the car without picturing crashing it. I go to bed hoping I won't wake up. But I keep doing it, and then I spend most of the day trying to figure out why to stay alive one more day. Some days I can figure out something... like it would hurt my mom... others not a single reason.

 

How did some man do this to me? How did he fix it so I can't be happy anymore? I was such a happy person before. How can he get away with no consquences for his actions? How come I am stuck holding the bag? He managed to make sure I will never trust again... no seriously, the time thing doesn't work in this case.

 

I just have to make it one more day... repeat tomorrow.

[Zipp]

People effect our self esteem and happiness because we let them. If you give that much power to someone else (and I have in the past) chances are that they won't be careful how they use it. You have to fight to regain control of your feelings and your life. No one is worth your life, especially someone that can't make you see the value in it. Live for the day when you will realize that you allowed these things to happen and now you won't allow it. You can grow from this and learn to value yourself as you were meant to.

 

Talk to your Mom about how you feel.

[MrMikeWikowski]

@ k33

 

I know exactly how you feel. Well, I think I know how you feel.

 

I have never been suicidal either, but like you I get thoughts about dying. Luckily I have a large amount of self preservation so I don't think I could ever do it.

 

I don't understand how I have become so weak. I used to be the strongest, most independent, confident person I know. Well, maybe not quite, but I was strong. Now I am weak, sad, and lonely. And i have felt this way for over a year. How could I have lost so much.

 

How could i have trusted someone so much, loved someone so much, that i would let them take everything from me. That I would allow myself to be broken down time and time again.

 

I can tell you though that life is worth it. I know that. I just don't know how I ended up here.

 

Don't give up. You realize where you are, now realize where you want to go.

 

pm anytime if u need to talk

 

Mike

[k33]

Same boat exactly... I mean I used to be so independent and strong and fun, but I am just this shell of a zombie at this point.

 

I feel like he took everything that I had my heart my soul my love and threw it out like yesterdays empty beer bottle. He totally used me whether he meant to or not...is not the point, the point is he did use me and hurt me really deeply. To the point that I didn't think i could be hurt this much.

 

Like you my self preservation is what is keeping me around, but the fact that I have to come up with a freaking reason everyday is just driving me nuts... I am on anti-depressants and seeing a counselor, its just not helping.

 

I can't believe this but at this point I wish I never met him, because I was fine before, and all the good times and love that I thought I have don't outweigh this feeling of doom.

[k33]

Mike,

 

I know it's wrong, but don't you kind of want to do some revenge like slashing tires or something. I mean I never would oh and there are loads of things I could do if I were inclined...javascript his cell phone is in my name, he's driving my truck, his credit card was mailed to my house, he's here on a two year provisional green card... it's only been a year...

 

It's fun to fantasize a bit. Still feeling crappy... but picturing him having something taken from him does make me smirk a bit. I mean he did do everything he could to destroy me and my life and I've been nothing but nice to him through the whole separation.

 

Jerk.

[MrMikeWikowski]

@j33

 

Yes, sometimes I want revenge. Most of all I want her to know how I feel. I think if she could walk an hour in my shoes she wouldn't have hurt me so very bad.

 

I think about doing something mean to her, but my heart just really isn't into it,and it probably would just feel worse.

 

The problem is I love her. And so deep down, I don't want to hurt her, I want to care for her. It is totally messed up. But I care too much. And it seems no matter what I do, I still care. And normally that is a great thing, but she just treats me like dirt.

 

why do I still love her, when she no longer loves me? I hate being like this. It really sucks. It has been almost a year and a half, and I am still messed up.

 

grrr,