dumper ever told an ex they didn't love them anymore...to get the ex to move on?

[desertbliss]

Simple question...have you ever been the dumper and knew that your ex still had feelings for you...and when asked if you still loved them, you said, "no, I don't love you anymore", so that it would help them (dumpee) to move on? Did you truly mean it?

[jacqueline45]

Don't you have to feel something to be committed.

[jacqueline45]

I have not meant it all the time but sometimes it is just not worth being with someone if there are problems you can't solve or make better. You can still love someone and not want to be with them? Sounds like you are unsure if you meant what yousaid. Does not mean that you should be with me. You can love someone and not want to be in a relationship with. But trust me I think that feel passes quickly. I never broke up with someone and felt anything after a while.

[rogersj1]

I never broke up with someone and felt anything after a while.

 

 

that sentence had me scratching my heard, i read it 4-5 times and it makes no sense to me.

[thejigsup]

Of course I meant it. If I still loved them I would still be with them.

[doyathink]

Yes, I have. And no, I did still love him...but he's an unhealthy person to be with so I had to move on. Whats the point in telling them you still love them when you cant be with them any longer?

[thejigsup]

If a person is unhealthy to be with, I can't love them. There's a mental block there. I'm sure that has saved me some heartache a time or two. When people start treating me badly, I'm gone. Period.

[mhowe]

My ex told me "my feelings for you have changed....I don't want to lead you on". I didnt' believe him, but that didn't matter. He believed him! So, I left his home and got on w/ my life.

 

Four months later, he came back and apologized. In part, he said "I never stopped loving you --- but I felt you deserved someone better. I had too much crap going on, and could not give you the time you deserved".

 

To me, that made not a lot of sense. But again, that doesn't matter --- it was his way of dealing w/ it.

 

You cannot change someone elses' mind or feelings. You can, however, give them time and space to figure it out for themselves.

[secondchance67]

My ex left me with this:

" why would you want to be with someone like me anyway? i am not in love with you anymore, you did nothing wrong except pick the wrong person to be with "

 

I got that after a 6 year relationship where she cheated, lied and abused be emotionally.

 

So, if her intention was to be brutally honest, or just hurt me enough in the end to leave her alone and not pursue her ( so she could have an easier time with my replacement)............message received loud and clear.

 

Given her actions and statements, I have no choice but to move on...logically, if i was to answer her question about why would i want to be with someone like her.....the answer is simple: I DONT

[oldspinster]

My dumper told me that. It was the first time in our relationship that I have known him to lie. I left his house with all of my stuff and began NC. A week later he called and apologized.

[blueplanet22]

My dumper told me that. It was the first time in our relationship that I have known him to lie. I left his house with all of my stuff and began NC. A week later he called and apologized.

 

Same here, except without the apology and call!

[mhowe]

My dumper told me that. It was the first time in our relationship that I have known him to lie. I left his house with all of my stuff and began NC. A week later he called and apologized.

 

As it was for me --- and lying is a dealbreaker for me. So it was somewhat ironic that our break up was based on a lie -- about how he felt. I also think it is safe to assume that he did not think that I would just walk away. Regardless, we are back together, and he is well aware that my feelings about lying are as strong as ever.

[Coconut Twin]

My dumper told me that. It was the first time in our relationship that I have known him to lie. I left his house with all of my stuff and began NC. A week later he called and apologized.

 

Was it total NC from the get go? and when he apologised did you get back with him??

 

I find this topic bemusing.

 

I want to know what goes through the dumpers mind in order to say such a thing...

[oldspinster]

Yes, we didn't call each other. I avoided places that I knew he would be at. He avoided coming in the store that I work at. I didn't get back with him. I still love and care for him deeply, and I think he does me as well. But for now, space between us is best.

[Coconut Twin]

ok but is it just space? or have you broken up for good?

[mhowe]

ok but is it just space? or have you broken up for good?

 

For many people, there isn't a cut and dried answer to that. And there doesn't need to be. When someone asks for space, or "lets you go", you need to leave ---for your own sake as much as theirs. And to try and define how long that will be, especially at the onset, is impossible.

[Coconut Twin]

For many people, there isn't a cut and dried answer to that. And there doesn't need to be. When someone asks for space, or "lets you go", you need to leave ---for your own sake as much as theirs. And to try and define how long that will be, especially at the onset, is impossible.

 

yes you're right...its indefinite.

[mhowe]

My bf asked for time -- I told him to take all the time he needed. And did not contact him.

 

He needed 4 months -- neither of us knew that at the time. But I didn't check in on him to see "how much longer?" And honestly, by the time he came back, I had move significantly down the "letting go completely" spectrum. I had in my head 6 months to a year -- but you would be surprised how detached you can become in 4 months w/ out contact.

[secondchance67]

I think that the timeframe of any contact from an ex isnt as important as what you do with the time apart.

 

If you read enough posts here, reconcilliations arent uncommon, but the success rate is dismal if there wasn't ample time for true growth by both people in the relationship....if you are coming out of a LTR, it seems that the 6 month mark is about the norm for contact from either side.

[mhowe]

I think that the timeframe of any contact from an ex isnt as important as what you do with the time apart.

 

If you read enough posts here, reconcilliations arent uncommon, but the success rate is dismal if there wasn't ample time for true growth by both people in the relationship....if you are coming out of a LTR, it seems that the 6 month mark is about the norm for contact from either side.

 

You are totally right. And I would only add ---- that both parties have to put their faith and trust in the process of getting back together. It isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination. We are back together now more than 10 months --- and while there have been speed bumps --- the relationship and communication are stronger than ever.

[sunshine12]

If somebody tells you they don't love you anymore, don't worry about the reasons, just take it at face value and say "later!" Or say..."okay, I'm off to find someone who will love me!" Love yourself first and foremost, and get away from people who don't love you.

 

I let a guy treat me badly for over a year. I just got to the point where I realized it was an endless cycle, and I put an end to it. He told me that he didn't treat me the way I deserve to be treated and I deserve a nice guy. So I agreed with him. I told him "No, you don't treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Why don't you? I'm a nice person with a lot of good qualities and love to offer to a partner. There are a lot of nice guys out there and I do deserve one." Haha, he just looked at me in shock. He never expected me to agree with him! No contact for me.

[secondchance67]

You are totally right. And I would only add ---- that both parties have to put their faith and trust in the process of getting back together. It isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination. We are back together now more than 10 months --- and while there have been speed bumps --- the relationship and communication are stronger than ever.

 

good luck on your journey together...i hope and wish the best for you.

 

I wont be able to post something as positive down the road; my ex is an emotionally dead, balck and white person who once flips her switch on you, it stays flipped...forever. ( its been 7 weeks out of a 6 year gig, but i can see where this is heading with her)

This gives me hope that it can happen for people, and thats a good thing....love is precious and a real lasting love is something to hold onto at all costs, whether it be 10 months or 10 years...the heart always comes back to what it wants, regadless of the circumstnaces involved.

 

Keeping my fingers crossed for you.....

[theface71]

My ex told me she didn't love me anymore after 3 years...so far she has stayed true to her word and wants nothing to do with me anymore other than as an online buddy. I don't think people who say that are lying. It is the most direct way to break up with someone. It still hurts though after 2 months reading it in an email. I still haven't completely moved on though. I mean I am taking care of myself and going out and doing things but at the same time I am still in limited contact with her...she usually starts the conversations but she never really says anything...

[Zero71]

Well my ex girlfriend told me that there no chance of getting back together. We broke up a year ago and she rebounded which ended up being a failure. When I ask if she lost attraction for me she dodge the question. When I told her that I want to be left alone she got mad, and acted like I was the one who led her on because I keep pulling away when things obviously don't go my way. She tells me that she wasn't going to stress over me anymore. 3 weeks later she text me and wonder if I was still mad. Evidently I was on her mind despite what she claimed. I cleared up the misunderstanding in our previous text conversation, and put NC into place which she accepted. A week after that she came running back to me about some nonsense about her new boyfriend getting picked up by his ex. She told him countless times that it bothers her yet here she was running to her own ex for advice (hypocrisy much). She even stated that she knows that I don't want to be contacted, but she wanted my opinion. I reminded her that I want no contact unless it's to get back together or til I say otherwise. I also established that I don't want to be her safety net. She said okay and I haven't heard from her in about 2 weeks now.

 

It's safe to say she's far from over me despite her claim that she doesn't want to get back together. It's probably going to take time for her to accept that she is still attracted. Either way I think it comes down to the person. Some people would lie to themselves just so they could move on while other people mean exactly what they say.

[FreeFallFeelin]

They all mean it. "We're done" means "we're done". Trying to reinterpret what they said or meant will drive you crazy - trust me, I know! The exact words that they used to eject you don't matter. It's the action, the message, and the finality that shows you what they meant. What are you going to do - convince yourself that they didn't really mean it, and sit around hoping that you're right? Or better yet, contact the ex and say "I don't believe you when you say you don't love me anymore", just so you can hear them say it again?