Inky, Inky Everywhere, And Nary A Trace Of Whiteout.

[Sillygoose3116]

I think it is time to finally get some of these in writing so that perhaps it will help me to deal with all the chaos I feel is going on around me. I don't normally put my stuff out there, but I suppose that what this place specializes in. Helping others, and keeping things in an anonymous fashion. I am hoping that by writing things in this journal I will be able to purge everything that I feel has been leading to the clogging I am feeling.

 

I started a thread earlier today in regards to dealing with stress and I got some wonderful responses so I am definitely happy about that. I figured I would get the responses that I did. I am not sure where I fell off the band wagon so to speak.

 

I have always considered myself to be an optimistic person who can handle anything that is thrown my way. I have always been emotionally strong, and direct so much so that some of my family members have considered me to be cold. Personally, yes I am direct and I do not like to sugar coat things but I feel this doesn't make me "cold hearted" I feel it makes me honest because I won't sit here and lie to your face. Perhaps this has been one of the causes for me and my mom to have such a huge rift as the one I feel we have.

 

Me and her used to be close, but to some degree I wonder if what we had was even real. I was the "goody, good" of the family for a really long time. I had perfect grades, never got into a fight in school, never ditched, or did anything that would cause my parents grief.

 

I graduated from high school and I decided that I was going to attend a community college for the first two years, and then transfer over to a full fledged university.

 

I started seeing someone around that time, my first "real" boyfriend as I did not date much in high school. I believe this is when things started to turn sour with my mom and family. My parents were really strict with us when we were younger. I started seeing this guy, and it was innocent in all honesty. I was still a virgin and quite inexperienced when it came to sexual affairs. I respected myself and I knew that I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. This guy and I got to know each other a bit on the fast track, I only say that because we started to spend a lot of time together. He was older than I was (3.5 years). I was 18 at the time, but I knew what my goals were and what I wanted for myself. I figured as long as I was working ( which I was at the time, full time) and I was going to school and making good grades my parents would be fine. Boy, was I wrong.

 

I always assumed that I could come to my mom about anything since me and her had always had a good relationship but it seemed that things took a turn for the worst. I had always thought that your parents are supposed to be there for you when you need to talk, to guide you, and to support you when you need them.

 

I started seeing this guy who by all accounts was nice to me and treated me well. I had always followed the curfew my parents has given me, but come on now. I was 18 working and paying for my own stuff. All I had asked for at that time was if I could have my curfew moved up to midnight. I don't know about other people but I felt that was pretty reasonable. It's not like I was going out every night, but I used to get off work at 7pm. That hardly left any time for dinner or a movie if I was supposed to be home by 10pm.

 

This is when things started to get sour, my mom and dad were not happy about the fact that I was seeing someone. They were upset about the fact that I wanted to go out to dinner/bowling or watch a movie. My mom went as far as asking to see my time cards to make sure I was not running off with him when she didn't know about it.

 

I was so confused and hurt, because I remember my mom telling me that when I liked someone I could come and talk to her. All of the sudden I was being treated like I was doing something wrong.

 

I even brought this guy home and had him ask permission to date me. Something he had never done since it is not the norm here. He still did it for me to show them he really was serious about me. When he came over, they were cold and sat us down about how we shouldn't be doing the things we were doing.

 

I can assure everyone, we were not doing anything. All we had done was kiss, almost everything was innocent.

 

Like I said, I wonder if the relationship with my mom was ever genuine ( and believe me) it hurts to wonder and say that. I dare to write that because a part of me after all these years (8) I still feel anger over the fact that when I needed them to be there for me, to be understanding of me, and to guide me I feel they judged me for no reason and a part of me feels that they abandoned me when I really needed them. The worst part is, I remember talking to me mother about how she made me feel and I feel she ignored that because I was not doing what she wanted me to do.

 

Newsflash, children don't always do what you want them to do. You can't force them to lead the life you deem to be "right." Only the person living their life has the right to decide what is and is not good for them. Yes, we all make mistakes and we all fall but that is part of life. I could understand if someone was doing something flat out stupid but I wasn't doing anything wrong.

 

I felt so frustrated, and I had no idea what to do. I started rebelling and I started staying out later at night to show them I was not going to stop doing something that was harmless. I was always home by midnight when I went out.

 

To make the rest of this very long story short my parents kept up with their view point regarding my relationship. No support, in fact when I would leave in the mornings there were always snide remarks such as, "don't get pregnant" among other things. It was hard to come home to a place that I felt was suffocating me. I felt like I was a stranger in my own home. my mother would not be happy if I didn't provide proof of the hours I worked. I stopped doing that as well, since I had nothing to hide. Even when I worked over time she believed I was lying and I was running off to who knows where. Things got so bad that I decided to leave the house. No matter what I did everything was always wrong. I never did the right thing even when I did. I was paying for all my stuff, going to school full time, what more did they want? All I wanted was to date, and see where things went.

 

Instead, I ended up dating my boyfriend for 8 months and we got married. I left the house and when I did my mother told me "if you walk out that door, don't come back." She didn't talk to me for 2 months after I got married.

 

There is a lot more to that story but for now, I have a meeting for work and I need a bit of a break after writing all of that.

[Sillygoose3116]

BTW, anyone feel free to comment. Advice is greatly appreciated.

[Sillygoose3116]

I feel much better today. I went to gym yesterday for the first time in months, and I had forgotten how good I felt when I ran. I had forgotten how great it made me feel to just run, breathe in and forget about everything. Blasting the music was a lot of fun as well. I know I should be more careful when it comes to playing music too loudly as it is not good for the ears, but yesterday it was justifiable.

 

I ran for an hour and I burned 500 calories, not bad considering I had not been to the gym in a few months.

 

I am going back today, as I feel that running is going to be my ally when it comes to dealing with everything pent up.

 

I ate very well yesterday, I had about 1300 calories. It felt good to not have the junk I had been having lately. I don't know why I was eating junk considering the fact that I am not even a big fan. Another sign of stress for me, eating crap I don't normally have.

 

As for today, I started off the day like I used to, which was with a protein shake. I had an apple, some Greek yogurt, and I am about to have lunch which will be about 3/4 cup of brown rice, and some steamed broccoli that I made with some green peppers.

 

I started considering therapy, I'm not sure how much I want to do that though. I think I am going to try a few things before I resort to that, as aside from the stress and the strain on the relationship with my mother I feel I am blessed and have a lot of wonderful things in my life.

 

I have a great job that I am extremely happy with, a live in a great place, I have an amazing boyfriend who proves to me more and more how much he loves me, I have my health, and my healthy little boy.

 

All in all, I have a lot of great things I am thankful for and I am.

[Sillygoose3116]

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."

 

I love this quote by Bob Marley...

 

It reminds me of my wonderful boyfriend so much. This man has proven to me without a doubt what a good man is. He is always there for me unconditionally, always supports me, makes me feel beautiful, desired and wanted.

 

Whatever I need him to be, he is.

 

When I am down, he is always there to make sure I remember that I am my own rock, that I am strong and that I can overcome anything.

[thejigsup]

I had a curfew as an adult in my mom't house and I always respected it. Yes, I was working and all of that, but it was HER house. The rest of what your parents did I do not either understand or agree with. I think every person should live on their own and support themselves for quite awhile before they get married, otherwise, they rely on their partner too much for emotional things and that gets old for them after a few years. Still, you did nothing wrong except not respect the curfew. My brother would have LOVED a daughter like you! Two out of his three daughters made bad marriages and never respected the house rules. They didn't work much, either. Feel proud of yourself, you were a good daughter with strange, controlling, parents.

[Sillygoose3116]

I had a curfew as an adult in my mom't house and I always respected it. Yes, I was working and all of that, but it was HER house. The rest of what your parents did I do not either understand or agree with. I think every person should live on their own and support themselves for quite awhile before they get married, otherwise, they rely on their partner too much for emotional things and that gets old for them after a few years. Still, you did nothing wrong except not respect the curfew. My brother would have LOVED a daughter like you! Two out of his three daughters made bad marriages and never respected the house rules. They didn't work much, either. Feel proud of yourself, you were a good daughter with strange, controlling, parents.

 

Thank you so much for your response, I appreciate it. I do have a lot more to the story as I said, but between yesterday and today things got a little hectic. Let me explain a little bit more, I knew that I was in my parents house and I completely respected the fact that it was their house and I had to abide by their rules. I never wanted to disrespect them, and I tried to negotiate with them on a time. I just wanted a little bit more time, and to be honest with you most of the time it was on weekends. I didn't see the harm in being out a little bit more on the weekends when I did not have school, or work. I was paying for all my stuff, and taking care of myself except for living on my own.

 

I completely agree with you when it comes to living on your own before you get married, something I am sad to say did not happen.

 

I got married after only 8 months, and our marriage lasted 3.5 years. That in itself is a very long story I am going to have to post, but to make a long story short the marriage ended because he cheated on me 2 times. I did not know about the first time until I caught him in the act the second time.

 

I loved him, and I feel I was a good wife. I still worked full time as well as go to school. I took care of the house and him. I dedicated myself to him, and yet he still cheated. When we divorced he said that it was not my fault, he was just not ready for the commitment that marriage ended up being.

 

I sometimes wonder if my parents had been supportive would I have married him in the first place? Yes, it was my choice after all but when we are younger we need the guidance of our parents, shoot we need it all at all stages of our lives to some degree.

 

I often wonder would things have been different?

[Sillygoose3116]

Goodness me, I just found out the director of nursing where I work was fired last night. No explanations, just fired. Nice to know the administrator didn't even give us the respect we deserve and let us know. I just found out through word of mouth.

 

Sheesh, I don't even know what to think.

[Sillygoose3116]

^^ It seems this was not the end of things. As it turns out they also fired one of my very close co-workers, J. They let her know they were going to start doing the billing in a centralized fashion and therefore she was not going to be needed anymore.

 

As if loosing T wasn't bad enough, they also go and fire J. Let me just say that this has been a huge blow for everyone. Morale is an all time low.

 

On top of that, everyone's hours have been cut including mine. Everyone who was full time has been cut down to half of their hours. There is only one person who did not have hours cut and that is because he is the director of nursing. He has to deal with T's job as well as his own.

 

I spoke to the administrator yesterday, a man I deeply dislike. I know that administrators are supposed to do their jobs, and treat everyone like their subordinates but this man takes the cake. I have worked for nightmares before but this is the worst.

 

I really am at a loss, I don't know what to do. He keeps saying this is not permanent but I can't make it on 20 hrs a week. I have financial responsibilities like everyone.

 

I also don't trust him at all. He has lied to my face before and about other things, so why should I trust him?

 

I don't want to leave my job because I love it, and I want to be here but I need money as well. Plain and simple.

 

Yesterday the director of nursing, my other co-worker and I talked to him about restoring my hours as we currently have no receptionist, no one to back up my co-worker D or J who is the director of nursing but me. Still no budge.

 

I am at a loss, do I stay or look for something else?

[Sillygoose3116]

People here at work tell me to stick it out, but they have all their hours. I could really use some suggestions.

[Sillygoose3116]

Sometimes I feel so alone. Trying to reach out and no one is there...

[Sillygoose3116]

I think all I want to do is run away today. I need someone to talk to and no one is there.