Suicidal and lost interest in life..

[depresseddiana]

i KNOW its way too long, but please help me..! I NEED IT...

I am a young girl of 19 years(turned 19). When I was a child, I was quite over-sensitive, shy and poetic, till the age of 12. But during my teenage, I became one of the most beautiful, funny, popular, extrovert and prettiest girl with a spark. I belong to a family and country, where I don't have much people to date and its not considered good thing to get physical before wedding. Usually, people go for an arranged marriage. But, my parents didn't had a good arranged marriage, and since the time I was 2 years old, my father moved out and I got to see him only once a week. We never had a loving or friendly relationship with him, but a formal one. My mother was very much attached to me and so was I. I used to sleep, eat, study, watch TV, play with my mother for lot many years. Saying that, I didn't want to have an arranged marriage and nor did I want to go for physical relationship. When i was 17 years old I found a 23 years old disabled guy online, he was from another country(near to my country, same culture, language etc), he proposed me since he had the same family background & religious trends. I accepted his proposal because of sympathy, we NEVER had a chemistry or attraction. He was a motherless guy and I tried my best to support him in every possible way. I started working hard in School, made career plans because of him only(because he was disabled and couldn't study much) to support him, learnt cooking, started praying regularly etc. I felt that I got the purpose of my life, because I used to live a life without purpose and kinda depressed before meeting him online. It lasted for around 1.5 year. Though, we had never met. HArdly spoke on phone(because of bills), used to chat online daily for half or an hour. One day, he gave me his facebook password, and I checked his messages, where I was shocked to read that ALL THE THINGS he ever said to me, he was also messaging to another girl, from around 9-10 months, saying that he loves her and wanna marry her and EVERYTHING that he told me. He suffered from celebral ataxia, and was not only physcially disabled but I think he had some mind issues as well. I was hurt and devasted, couldn't eat or drink, before this thing, whenever we used to fight( though it was VERY rare, hardly 2-3 times in a year, that too for a short time) but it felt like my whole life turned upside down when I couldn't be in contact with him. I stopped eating, drinking, sleeping, studying, washing my face, etc. Couldn't even walk and talk properly, until things got better. But this time, since I SAW his message on FB, I decided NOT to listen to any excuse, and no matter how hard it maybe, I HAVE TO MOVE ON. I was sad,lost and hurt, I use to wake up in night and feel that I am in his city( I felt STRONG connection to that country where he lived). Anyways, my friends supported me, because they all think that I deserved MUCH better, since they KNEW me in real, and thought of me as a VERY attractive girl(it was a girls high-school,lol) After two days, I was still sad and wanted to talk it out, I joined a chatroom, it was a matrimonial site for Muslims( I am a Muslim as well), I had almost PROMISED myself that I will NEVER go for an online relation again, and NEVER for someone who didn't live in the same country.. But, the guy who messaged me on that site, he was from the same country my ex belonged to. And in the first chat, it felt like he was my perfect type. But, I decided not to take it on a relationship level, but only as a friend. We started getting closer, and became great friends. and After 5 months, he proposed me and I accepted. He was 26 years old when I was just 18. I started to get emotional for him, and the thoughts of my ex were just GONE the day I met this guy( that is 2 days after breakup,lol). We were great, I was attracted towards him and there was a real chemistry between us, that i NEVER had wit my ex(It was sympathy).Even after being ALL ATTRACTED and great chemistry with this guy, and never remembering my ex, I had become kinda insecure and unstable with my life, i used to feel HIGHLY jealous of this guy's past crushes even, lol, EVERYONE, and compared every girlfriend's bf to this guy and suffered from highest level of anxieties during all the months of my contact with this new guy. The day, I felt relaxed and calm for the FIRST TIME in my new relationship(after around 7-8 months, was the day we had to end contact) Since we met on a matrimonial site, he insisted me on getting married as soon as possible. My problem that I had to complete my education, he said to me that he will try to wait for me, etc. After around 7-8 months of communicating, he started to talk very less. I asked him and he said that he felt things weren't working out, because I was not talking to my parents to ensure him that I will marry him and that never leave him. Later on, he felt insecure( i guess) and said that he wanted an engagement that if he waits, he should have a confirmation, that my parents will accept him. One of the problems was that we belonged to different countries. He said that it will be hard for him to wait, since his parents are insisting him to get engaged/married, he's already 27, and never dated anyone and didn't even had any girl that his parents know of. Now, its almost one-two months, we hardly talk, but i feel sad. I feel like I am in the same situation I was 1 year back, but this time I DON'T want to find someone else and move on.. I have come to the point of feeling suicidal, I feel empty. I FEEL that I am in that country, suddenly. And I keep on watching the videos of that country(my both bfs) I feel a LARGE bum of REJECTION. Everyone ( who met me) told me that I was very attractive and beautiful, I won the Beauty Queen @ my highschool, have not started college yet. But, these two boys, who never even met me, have hurt me so much that i dont want to live. I dont even want to date anyone anymore. I just want to stop feeling rejected, depressed, suicidal and inability to eat and drink. I completely forgot and forgave my ex, just after meeting the new guy, but he was the only reason I was alive(the new guy, I gave my emotions, happiness and everything in his control) and now when he's gone, i feel like there is NOTHING to look forward. He doesn't even contact me now, because he told me that its not possible to wait. And I am the one who cries the whole day and night and cant follow my routine and life, And I am the one who cries the whole day and night and cant follow my routine and life, just because of so called LOVE wit the guys I never met..! I am on an emotional roller-coaster with highest anxieties, depression, suicidal thoughts, irrational behavior, jealousy and much more from around one year now. Please, suggest me a way to get out of all this. I have turned 19, and its my last year of teenage. I am NOT looking for another relationship( though I am going to start a college now where I will meet real people(guys too, my school was only for girls) but I am not interested. I just want to get out of it. My heart pains, aches, and I have NOT been able to come back to the track of my life...Since the day my ex cheated on me. That rejection was NOT being dealt with me, now I have another REJECTION(a boy who didn't wait for me).

[Reilly2856]

I know it is really hard to think through things logically because your heart is involved. I think you need to give yourself some time to get over these two guys before making any drastic decisions like 'suicide'. Right now, your emotions are high...you are suffering from withdrawal symptoms of not having these two guys in your life. Every emotion you are feeling...anger, hurt, loneliness, longing...is magnified because the pain of the break up is still fresh.

 

A part of the reason why you may be experiencing such intensive feelings is because you never got over the 1st guy. I realize you never really loved him but just felt sorry for him. Nevertheless, you spent a lot of time with him online...so you made a emotional connection followed up with him becoming the purpose for you to start applying yourself and learning new things (e.g., cooking, pushing yourself at school to work harder etc.). I don't think you ever allowed yourself to get "over" this first break-up...you merely jumped into a relationship with the second guy. This is akin to people simply moving on with someone else fooling themselves that they are over the first person. But, jumping from relationship to relationship without going through the process of grieving over the previous lost relationship is like opting to use a band-aid for a deep wound. You can't fix it with a rebound relationship. You need to grief! Only after you have completed the grieving process will you truly let go that purpose and be ready for the next guy.

 

Now, here are a couple of other things I find a bit alarming: why were you with the first guy when you only felt sympathy for him? That is not a good reason to accept his proposal for marriage when you feel nothing else for him. You need to find purpose for your own life...he should not have given you purpose...you needed to seek that out on your own. That was your first mistake with him. Your second mistake with this guy was that you accepted a proposal from him when you never even met him! Why would you do this? People can act a lot differently on paper than real life. Carrying on an online relationship without actually meeting him is not a REAL relationship...that's why when you found out the truth about him...it was a huge blow! Not only had you discovered that he wasn't as "great" as you had imagined him to be...but you had also lost purpose for your life. HE GAVE YOU PURPOSE...so when you finally made the decision to leave him (kuddos for that! Good decision...glad you didn't stick around), you also lost the desire to be that "great" girl you were trying so hard to turn yourself into for him. See...the problem was...you should have been trying to be that great girl for yourself...NOT HIM. If you had, then you would only be working through the pain of the break-up...and not also, your low self-esteem which resulted from losing the purpose of your life that was inspired by him.

 

Now, onto the 2nd guy...here are problems I see here: Firstly, you didn't allow yourself the time to truly get over the 1st "break-up". ONLY 2 DAYS after, you are on matrimony sites...going in chat rooms. It didn't matter what you promised yourself...if you were thinking clearly, you would not have visited this site so soon. The temptation was put before you...and you fell right into it. He proposed too...and you accepted. IN both cases, these guys were significantly older than you. You were still in your teens while these two guys were young adults. Why did you not see age as a problem? You still had a lot of things to experience in life...while they had lived through their early 20s and matured to a place where they wanted to settle down. You needed to experience life before settling down could be given consideration. In both relationships, life priorities were not in synch. THAT should have been something to consider on your part. Yet, you turned a blind eye to it...I can understand...you were young and in love.

 

I DID like the fact that with the second guy, you had an awareness that you wanted to complete your education. You had started to prioritize somethings in life...find your own purpose? I felt that the 2nd guy was really pressurizing you...you two had not even met face-to-face yet, and he already wanted you to talk to your parents about at least getting engaged to him? That's really odd. How are you to know that the kind of person he tried to portray himself to be online is really the type of person he is? In both cases, the guys could be complete jerks...what if you had found that out after marriage?

 

To me, I feel like the lack of your father's presence in your life has affected you on a deeper level. You never saw what a healthy relationship looks like, for your parents broke up when you were very young. Yet, a part of you craves to have a loving relationship of your own but you cannot have that UNTIL you figure out who you are! You need to grow as an individual because hey...you are only 18 and don't have much life experience. Spend the next few years learning...getting your life together...AND healing from these relationships. It isn't enough to be pretty...you mentioned that many times in your post. BEAUTY does not guarantee happiness and if all your friends can say is that you are pretty and any guy should love you because of that one trait...then, you need new friends. TRUE friends would be able to tell you about other characteristics....those that make you BEAUTIFUL on the INSIDE. THAT beauty on the inside will come confidence (among other things)...so please stop relying on beauty alone...yes, these relationships are a rejection but they don't have to define who you are.

 

The first guy cheated on you...and the second guy had different priorities than you did. It is okay...things didn't work out. They weren't the ones you were meant to be with. You are still young...so take the time to get to know yourself before you seek to include someone else in your life (i.e., don't start a romantic relationship until you have gotten over these two and know what it is that you TRULY want in a guy). I would also encourage you to not lead "fantasy" relationships. Both these guys were never "really" in your life. You only knew them from afar. That is not a true relationship. To get a true sense of another individual, you need to spend time with that individual...face-to-face. So, don't rush into another engagement by seeking matrimony websites or likewise...you will only be trying to fill a hole left in your heart, originally by your absent father and now these two guys.

 

HEAL and move on. Suicide is not the answer.