radiohead20 Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Hey guys, over the past few months I have been searching for answers from anyone for what I did to my now gf in the beginning of our relationship. I've been going to therapists/talking to people and I cant seem to get anywhere Basically, I broke up with my ex-gf because although she was right for me on paper, I felt like I did not have that extra "something". The intimacy and emotional connection was missing. I did not feel like I was in love. Right away, I started seeing a new girl that was the complete opposite of my ex. Before anyone screams "Rebound!!", I did not search or out or search out the realtionship. In fact, I just wanted to be single at the time. I started seeing this new girl and little red flags kept popping up - she was younger, she didnt come accross as stable, and she had little of rough past. I was fine dating her but when she asked me to be her bf, I hesisted (due to the red flags) but said yes. Keep in mind, this girl was completely different than any other girl I had dated before, I was scared I was on edge with her. I went back to drop off some mail at my ex gf's place one day (with no intention of doing ANYTHING) and ended up cheating on the new girl with my ex. This begs the question. Why why why? I was SMACK DAB in the middle of honeymoon/infatuation phase with the new girl. Why did I do it? Before it happened I was happy with the new girl and after it happened I felt completely devastated and guilty at what I did. I didn't want to get back with my ex at all. I have been in several relationships and had NEVER had the urge to do something like this before. Many of you people might say "welp, you are a guy, you thought with your * * * * ". Thats not it. Never in my life have I ever had the urge to sleep with someone else if I was happy in a relationship, especially if I had intense feelings for a person. The "you thought with your * * * * " argument does not make any sense even - as I was far more attracted to the new girl, both physically and personality wise. I lay around crying every other day at what I lost, and what hurts the most was that I CAUSED it, and I dont know why. I literally am I at a loss for words or an explanation. I told her I cheated, she gave me a second chance, we grew closer together as we worked on mending our relationshiip and over the next 4-5 months we started saying our "I love yous" to each other. Never in my life had I felt this strongly or this comforting about a person. What were originally red flags completely dissapeared - I was scared of her because she was so much different but in the end I was astonished at how we were able to connect and how we could just do anything together (like lay round) and be happy. She complemented me perfectly and I helped her improve herself as well. in the end, it was the perfect relationship. However, due to reasons outside our control the relationship ended and it left me and her completely devastated. But the search remains. Why did I do it? I have been looking up information on "hidden emotions" and things such as rebounds and grass is greener syndrome for answers. That emotions work in funny ways - that you should ALWAYS have time to yourself after a breakup and not move straight into another relationship, even if you are the dumper and SWEAR you are over the person. The closest thing I can come to to an answer is that I was not truly over my ex, even though i thought I was. And for that reason when I went over to talk to her, she was able to bring back a flood of emotions/memories. I remember a few days previous to the cheating episode she had told me that she started dating another guy - this caused a knot to twinge in my stomach, but I didnt know why? It shouldnt have affected me, after all I broke up with her because I didnt want to be with her. Link to comment
camus154 Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 While it may be important to understand some "why's" so that you don't keep repeating past mistakes, it's equally important not to get so bogged down with analysis that you can't move on or change. Sometimes the best answer to "why" is, "Because you're human and emotions don't play by logical sense." Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 maybe you were unconsciously searching for a way to sabotage the ''perfect'' relationship...looking for a way to avoid something so alien, and potentially painful. rather than expose yourself to something potentially great...something inside of you decided to keep you stuck in a familiar pattern. sounds ridiculous, but i think we often find ourselves evading people who have a lot to offer because their presence threatens to expose us...to open us. we feel threatened by REAL intimacy. so we run. you know? fear isn't rational...and in the grips of fear we are capable of astonishing feats of stupidity! keep exploring. you'll find your answers! Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 You are not receiving a satisfying answer from anyone because no one other than you can tell you why you did that. I think you explained it in the second paragraph of your post, and as Camus says perhaps you are overanalyzing at this point. Going to see Radiohead March 7th, btw. Super excited!!!!! Link to comment
figur Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 In fact, I just wanted to be single at the time. I started seeing this new girl and little red flags kept popping up - she was younger, she didnt come accross as stable, and she had little of rough past. I was fine dating her but when she asked me to be her bf, I hesisted (due to the red flags) but said yes. Keep in mind, this girl was completely different than any other girl I had dated before, I was scared I was on edge with her. This sounds like your why. It seems like sleeping with your ex was a manifestation of your hesitation with your new gf. Link to comment
Maeva Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Sometimes you just have to say "well, that wasnt like me at all" I think you can trust yourself you you wont do it again because it felt so bad. Link to comment
radiohead20 Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 This sounds like your why. It seems like sleeping with your ex was a manifestation of your hesitation with your new gf. I can start to see this. I know that prior to the cheating episode that I for some reason I did not really want to be with her, long term, for reasons I assumed of her (because I did not know her too well) And that after the episode, as we grew together, as our dynamic grew and I got to know her better as a person, that is when things completely flipped and I realized how good we were for each other. Link to comment
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