5 years of relationship is slipping away due to the recent LD, Advice please?

[gulu]

Hi,

 

I’m 25 and me and my ex gf had been seeing each other for 5 years. We moved in together for two years until I had to move away to do a master course at university for one year (I’m currently 6month into this). Just before xmas I received a letter from her saying that she thinks things have changed between us and have come to an end and the distance and lack of communication hasn’t helped.

 

During our 5 year relationship we enjoyed each other’s company but I admit that I had been confused weather she is the girl for me and that If I loved her and a lot of times I thought about breaking up with her but I wasn’t sure. I admit that I hadn’t given her enough time and attention because of my confused feelings and wanted to use this time away at uni to decide.

 

My immediate reaction to her letter was a mutual response saying that I had been thinking the same and wishing her well and to keep our friendship. But the next few days it hit me how much I loved her and decided to go up and see her (she lives 250miles away).

 

I told her everything about how I felt and accepted I had neglected her at times and that how confused I was about my feelings, she said that this would have meant so much to her if I had told her earlier but she said she just don’t know. We hugged and then I left. Later that day she texted me saying she wanted to see me she offered I could stay at hers (on the sofa!), when we met that night she said that she just needed some space one or two month and that she wasn’t goanna date anyone and I accepted, she also said that I maybe feeling this way because I’m not having a great time at the town I’m studying at, which I rejected. The next day I left early when she was at work and left her a note that said it would be hard for me to spent time away from her but I’m going to respect her decision, she text me saying that she thinks this is the best things for us right now and that who knows what will happen in future, if it meant to be it will be (what does she mean by this?!). This was 5 weeks ago.

 

After the first week I sent her an email telling I’m working on myself to be better and asked her how she was. She replied saying that she was happy to hear that and that her grandfather had passed away (her grand that has been really ill the past few months and I think that’s been hard on her). I offered to call and have a chat but she said she’s ok and I said that she can call me anytime if she needed to talk about it. The next day I sent her a casual email to cheer her up. A week later I sent her a casual food recipe and three weeks ago I sent her text saying just to say hello, how are you. She replied saying “I’m good, thanks still need time and space, speak soon”. I have not contacted her since for the past three weeks nor have I heard from her.

 

I have been reading a lot of books and articles about relationships and self development and have been looking at the reasons why the relationship has failed and the part I had to play in it. I want to send her a letter telling about the some of the work I’ve done why I think our relationship didn’t work out and how I’m working on myself to make sure this doesn’t happen again etc. And also to attach an article form a book on relationship which was really helpful to me. I feel this might be necessary to show her that my feeling towards her was not just an emotional reaction to the break up and that things would be different. I also wanted a to send her a diary I bought her in her favourite colour and I have bought some pressed flowers like her birth month flower and some other flower that symbolise fresh starts and love, and I was gonna put this in the diary with their meanings... just as a gesture of my love.

 

Sorry I know this tread is long but I think there are so many factors that need to be considered. Can you please give me some advice and what you think about the whole situation?

 

• Should I send her the letter and the diary?

• Should I just wait for her to contact me?

• Is she giving me false hope?

• Should I just prepare myself to move on?

 

I can see myself having a family with this girl I really do love her, your advice would be greatly appreciated I don’t want to make the wrong choice and damage my chances of getting back with her.

 

Thanks a lot guys, looking forward to your replies.

[Angel Irulan]

I'm sorry this has happened to you! Lovers are in our lives sometimes for a season or a reason, could it be that the season for this relationship is over? Only send her the letter and the diary if you are willing to have your words come back to haunt you. Once you've broken up, your privacy within the relationship is over, and she could show it to someone else. I don't think from the sound of her that she will. HONESTLY though, this is a relationship that I would take to NC. It sounds like there have been a lot of chances for you, and your former SO has decided to distance herself, for whatever reason. That's a huge red flag against you carrying a torch.

 

Angel

[gulu]

Thanks Angel,

 

Why would she change her stance from break-up/this-is-over, to "I need space for one or two month, Im not gonna date anyone, if it meant to be it will be?"

 

I know that shes taking this time to think about what she wants and our relationship included, Im just worried that if I dont show her how things would be different if we do get back together (i.e if i dont show her that I have looked at the issues in the relationship and what casued it), she might just base her desicion on what she knows from the past and think that things will go back to just the way they were.

 

I am not afraid of the content of the letter, because It actually honest and in it Ive looked at the issues and my short coming and why they had happened. Ive read a few books and many articles and actually found out what was the cause of this problem and Ive looked to address them.

 

Its now been 3 weeks of NC and i dont want it to seem that I dont care and moved on...

 

Gulu

[SweetSeul]

Hello, I felt compelled to respond because I can relate to your story quite well. My ex and I were together for 8 years, 9 months of which was LD because I moved away to a different country for graduate studies. He visited me and things were very good but we broke up officially when I visited him. My ex cited doubts about our future and said the distance help magnified his doubts. I admitted to him that I also had my own doubts before which went away when he visited me in this country but his just escalated to the point of us breaking up.

 

I am glad to hear that you respected your ex's decision and need for space. But now you actually have to do that and give her exactly what she asked for: space. Do not crowd her or suffocate her. If someone or something unwanted is hurtling at us, it is human nature to run away or avoid it. The more you crowd her seeking attention, the more she will pull away. She knows you love her and want to be with her. Let that knowledge be enough. Now, time for you to go and do things for yourself and your happiness.

 

Let your relationship and the way you were during the relationship speak for itself. If you were a good boyfriend and you know deep down that what you two had was good and rare, then it should speak for itself and months down the line the clouds of raw emotion and confusion blinding your ex may lift and she'll remember how good you two really had it. Right now, things are still raw. So let the dust settle and go NC for a few months. She may reach out when she is good and ready and maybe by then you yourself would have realised that it is really better for you two to be apart. Or, when you are strong and level-headed enough you can reach out first. But for now, show her how much you love and respect her by doing NC and letting go with love.

 

Don't give her the diary or the article. As for the letter, write it but don't send it. Not for a while anyway. If after several weeks you still feel like you need to get it out of your system just for the sheer knowledge that you did what you could then send it but prepare for the worst. Sometimes, we need to know we said and did everything we could and we need to be beaten down flat on the ground before we can pick ourselves up, shrug it off, say "Oh well", and move on.

[Fun Boater 1]

• Should I send her the letter and the diary?

• Should I just wait for her to contact me?

• Is she giving me false hope?

• Should I just prepare myself to move on?

 

No, do not send her the letter and the diary. I know your intention here, but it will most likely be seen by her as a form of trying to put pressure on her. Besides, haven't you already let her know how you feel about her, and what you wish to happen? (staying together) She knows how you feel already. She's asked for "space and time". You really have no other option but to give her that space and time. If she truly wants to continue the relationship, she will be getting ahold of you and will be telling you directly that's what she wants. Just remember that any chasing on your part will probably drive her further away. Keep your contacts with her to a minimum and when you are in contact with her, keep it short and sweet. When someone pulls away from you, the last thing to do is try to pull them back in by pursuing them. Let her wonder about what you are doing, what you are up to...who you are dating. Give her the gift of missing you. If you don't, you will just push her farther away.

 

False hope? Well, you never really know. In most cases, people say one thing and do another. I don't understand how someone who claims to love somebody can just ask for a "couple months off", or "to take a break". These statments usually spell doom for the relationship and are merely "preliminary break ups". Only time will tell how it will turn out.

 

Prepare yourself to move on? Absolutely! Regardless of what's going to happen between you and her, you need to focus on yourself and your own life. Your overall and ultimate happiness is not tied to how this turns out - despite how much you might think it does. You are still in school and have your whole professional life ahead of you. You should always "be prepared to move on" from situations of which you have no control over. You have no control over her feelings and actions, so never let your actions be dictated by concern for her. You have to live your own life. "Moving on" at present doesn't necessarily mean you will never be with her again. It just means that you have accepted the situation.

[Stay_home]

How long has the disconnect on communication been occurring between you both? I get the feeling that the situation seems so fargone that unfortunately she is ready to move on and for the duration has been wondering where exactly your head has been in all of this.

 

I admit that I hadn’t given her enough time and attention because of my confused feelings and wanted to use this time away at uni to decide.

 

You already started withdrawing from the relationship for quite some time now, using the excuse to go to uni as you say when infact this was time that could've been used to help repair some of the damage to your relationship.

[Tia Emma]

Sorry gulu, if I was her girlfriend I would have been hearing about her woes, her feelings of neglect, way before you went away. And now I would have to advise her to not take you back, at least not until you finish and can be with her again. LD is hard to do when things are shaky.

As for you, give her some time and space. Don't send her the diary and pressed flowers. It's too little too late. It shows you still don't understand. It's very hard to be with someone who is not sure about the relationship. She went through that. Now she needs to be single and feel healthy again.

It's like she has been waiting for you, but just as you finally arrived on the scene, she had left. Do not despair. If you were meant to be, you will meet again. She also needs to work on this. It takes two. She needs to learn about relationships too. So give her time.

[gulu]

Thanks guys some great advice here.

 

I've been prepared to not contact her at all but one thing that bothers me is that one of the last things she told me was that I may be feeling this way because Im not having such a great time down where Im studying (I had told her this right after the break-up) which I rejected. I guess she was thinking that what I was telling her is just an emotional reaction to what she was saying and not me truly loving her. By not contacting her at all Im afraid that she might get the impression that what she thought was right, and that it was just a reaction to the break-up and now that a few weeks has passed ive easily moved on. Im trying to get our more and meet new people and this is showing on my facebook profile which she can see... I dont want to send the wrong impressions.

 

I'm thinking that when she sees Im actually enjoying myself where I am, and then contacting her when things are good for me shows that Im happy but I still want her.

 

When I last so her, I told her that when I moved away I knew one way or another I will find out if she's the one for me and that now I have, I said that altough this is hard for me I rather know that I love her than be with her with confused feeling.

 

I wish she had challenged me about my feelings, I wish she had told me what was going true her mind and that she wasnt happy... but she didnt. I have taken responsiblity for my shortcoming but maybe if she had challenged me abit more it wouldnt end this way.

 

This was the only way I was going to find out how much i loved her I guess.

[gulu]

How long has the disconnect on communication been occurring between you both? I get the feeling that the situation seems so fargone that unfortunately she is ready to move on and for the duration has been wondering where exactly your head has been in all of this.

 

 

 

You already started withdrawing from the relationship for quite some time now, using the excuse to go to uni as you say when infact this was time that could've been used to help repair some of the damage to your relationship.

 

Thanks Sided coin,

 

We did communicate, we even talked about some really personal stuff, but when it came to the relationship the communication stopped. I think she knew that I wasnt sure about the relationship and maybe she was affraid that if she had challenged I'd just break up with her. Once her friend told me that my ex thought im going to leave her when I move away, I admit that the thought had crossed my mind. I guess that she didnt communicate her worries about the relationship with me and instead allowed to build up and finally it was too much for her.

 

As my part in this I was also guilty of not communicating my feelings. I had been so confused that I was focusing too much on if shes the one and looking at negatives that i failed to see the good things in our relationship, and not knowing if she is the one stopped me from trying to repair the relationship.

 

Going away to uni wasnt just an "excuse" but rather an opportunity the had risen under particular circumstances. I've been living independently in the UK since the age of 15 ive worked full time and studied full time. I have had some significant financial and pesonal problems(non of which I had any control over) that constantly thretend my first degree to a point I had to gradute with a bachlor and seek to complete my master studies else where at a diffrent university.

 

We had a good relationship when we were together, she admitted that she really enjoyed it when we were together but that I wasnt there enough. We hardly argued(i think this was one of the problems), I was never abusive towards her, I always encoureged her with her studies etc... but I admit I wasnt always there in mind and didnt love her the way she loved me.

 

I know we would be good together, I know so much that i didnt know before and i am trying to address my short coming. I know if she enjoyed my company and our relationship when I was there only 50% commited, our relationship would grow so much more when Im 100%. I just need to find a way to show her that is the case. She is the NO1 priority in my life now, I hope its not too late...

[gulu]

Thanks Tia,

 

You are right in what you are saying, I think she is getting that type of advice from her friends. I encourage this kind of independence in her. In fact I was really proud when she broke up with me in a sense that she did what she wanted (she hadnt done this enough, she always left things up to me) and if we have a future relationship this kind of independence would allow us to communicate better.

 

Do you think that she has already moved on? Does she still have strong feelings towards me? what does she mean when she says if its meant to be it will be?

[Tia Emma]

She probably still has strong feelings for you. I think when she says if it's meant to be it will be, she is leaving the possibility open for the future. Now if she had said "if it's meant to be it would have been", then that'd be bad.

She should move on somewhat, and better herself, as you are doing at university and also learning about relationships. People in their 20's continue to grow tremendously, and if one person does not, then the couple grows apart. I don't know which aspects of her gave you doubt as to whether she's right for you, but I suspect she knows. Probably in her mind she knows that has not changed and that's why she doesn't believe it'll work if you try to get back together now. In any case taking a break is good and she has a lot on her plate right now. I think it's fine to contact her on a regular basis, not too often, and nothing too pushy or too passionate. If you try to orchestrate a get back together, then you are still dictating the relationship, then nothing has changed for her, she's still at your whim. That's why you need to let her take the driver's seat for a change.

[gulu]

Thanks Tia, these post help me alot.

 

I have a question about regular contact. I'd like to that. The first two weeks I sent her two casual emails not asking for anything, just passive emails not over the top. Then 3 weeks ago I sent her sayin hello and how she was, to which she replied "i'm ok thanks, still need time and space, speak soon." and I replied saying "sorry i didnt mean to intrude, I undestand, talk to u soon." This was our last contact three weeks ago.

 

Now i feel im in a position that i should be waiting for her to contact me. what kind of regular contact from me do u reckon would be acceptable right now and would not be intrepreted as me intruding her space?

 

Valentines day approaching fast and I was thinking just to send her a small box of chocolate and note saying I'm thinking of her. Do you think thats acceptable or should I not bother?

 

Thanks

[Tia Emma]

hi i think valentine's day is the perfect opportunity. If you ignore her for valentines day then you'd be making a statement, so you kind of have to do something, don't you think? chocolates is fine, not too personal. I think emails are not very intrusive, so a hello type of email once in a while should not be a problem. Afterall, this is a girl who has put up with you for five years!

[gulu]

Hi Emma,

I wasnt that much of a bad boyfriend afterall, I did make her happy a lot of times just not enough I guess!

 

I'm going to get a her a nice but small box of choclate and a card. Do you think if I just write "Hope you are well" and sign my name is sufficient. Or " Thinking of You" which ones is better? any other suggestions?

 

Thanks so much

[Tia Emma]

Ha ha, I didn't mean to say you were bad bf, just that she was with you for a long time so a few emails should not be a big deal. And definitely "thinking of you" is the better choice, I think.

You know, I re-read your post, and I wonder if she thinks you broke up with her? Maybe she thinks she is the dumpee going through NC and you are wanting to be just friends? Is that possible? In that letter she wrote you, did she really say she wanted to break up, or was she just saying things are not working out as it is. Those are two very different things!

[gulu]

In the letter she said that we've come a long way and things have changed between us, they have come to an end. she said that the distance and the lack of communication hasnt helped and that we are going different ways and have different futures ahead of us.

So she definitly broke up with me, but I think she has been under the impression that I was going to break up with her. When I went to see her I clearly told her that I love her and Want to be with her and see myself having a family with her in the future... She then said that she just doesn't know until later that day she asked to meet me and said that right now she wants time and space.

 

I'm starting a new job in June and she finishes uni in June too. I'm worried that if she moves away after Uni it becomes alot harder for our path to cross again... So i feel like i need to win her back by June.