Children of Divorce

[dogwood]

Hello all.

 

This post is for any and all of you who have divorced parents. I'm not even sure what my point here is - just venting, and opening it up to anyone else who wants to chime in. To summarize my situation: Parents divorced when I was 9. Dad lives overseas with stepmom, mom lives here. I've been living outside of the house since I was 19, and just recently moved back to my mom's (24 now) to save some money and get a break from life. For a couple of months it was just my mum and I, but about a month ago my stepdad (who was in the states at the time) moved back in, and is now apparently staying here for good.

 

I've been struggling with depression off and on for a few years, but it feels like it has recently gotten worse, and more frequent. I started seeing a therapist recently, and I know I have a lot of work to do on myself to overcome this. But the other day when I was at my girlfriend's house, I wondered if being back at home is partially to blame for my increased depression. Now, I love my stepdad and he's a great guy.. but I can do nothing to change the mind of my unconscious. And I'm starting to realize, as I get older, that there is no cure for the 'unnatural' aspect of divorce. At least not for me. No matter how much I may enjoy the company of my stepmom or stepdad, bond with them, etc. there is still this strong unconscious vibe of repulsion. '. My stepmom can be smarmy and and those are the times I feel it come out, I feel this embedded hatred. Just tonight I came home from a long night at work, exhausted, stoned, in my own world completely.. and my stepdad scared the crap out of me by calling my name from upstairs (I thought they were asleep). As he walked out of their bedroom door, just seeing him standing there with his shirt off and his fat gut hanging out reconjured that feeling of unconscious hatred. I know it's not their fault. And I get along great with these people (for the most part), love and respect them, and have fun times together. I really do. But they are not my natural mother and father, and I think the child inside me still sees them as intruders..

 

Moving back home in the first place was pretty weird. There are certainly added bonuses, but the loss of independence is pretty hard for me. Now that my stepdad is back I automatically feel like the child of 2 parents, just by the natural formation of the trio. He doesn't try to parent me, he tries to just be a friend, but the vibe is still there. Not really sure what to do. I don't wanna move out again.. I was planning on moving out in august before I go back to school, and live off student loans. Living at home is giving me the ability to work on my own projects, and not have to work at a bar several nights a week just to get by. But being more depressed due to living at home is making it very hard to work on those projects. I'm gonna try to spend a bit more time at my girlfriend's.. just to have more time out of the house. And I guess otherwise all I can do is cope. It's too much of a bother financially and logistically to move out again. Any suggestions on how to cope and be less affected by the current living situation? Anyway there's my blurb. All thoughts appreciated. Not just advice, but if you can relate.