Girl I like brought up the ex question and thinks I am not ready... Now what?

[Fantanos]

I have been on this forum for about 4 months and I find myself giving a lot of dating help because I am older and feel I have learned a lot in the past few years. But now here I am finding myself seeking advice for a situation I wasn't ready for.

 

Quick history.... My ex and I broke up after 3.5 years at the beginning of December 2011, we lived together and she moved out an hour away from me. The break up was clean, semi-mutual and we still talk. Prior to the break up she was hanging out with someone else, I caught her, she continued to text him and Facebook chat with him after being caught. The first night she was on her own the new guy brought her over pizza to her new place. This was mid December. I have no idea where this guy went now because it seems like he is gone because she is talking to me more now. I love her and care about her but I don't see us being together ever again. I am too hurt by everything and wasn't happy for most of 2011. There are many other things too... but I wanted to give you a quick run down on that.

 

During our relationship I met a girl that was a friend of my friends girlfriend. I was attracted to her, but I was in a relationship so didn't think anything more then she is cute. I ran into one other time at my friends house and exchanged a few words, hi how are you and that was it. Nothing more ever happened, but I thought she was nice and cute. She was also aware I was in a relationship.

 

In the beginning of January I ran into her again and pursued her... we chatted a little and hit it off, I got her number and texted her the next day. Since then we text back and forth about everyday, we hang out on the weekends with all our friends, spent the night together one time, no intimacy, just a kiss and cuddle. We contact each other 50/50.. so its not just me contacting her all the time. She goes out of her way to come a bar if we are there. I really started to like her in the past few weeks and I am thinking about her everyday and looking at her pictures on FB. I can tell she has feelings for me too. Because I am out of a long term relationship I haven't pursued a date with her yet, we just hang out with our friends all together. She is aware of my past relationship and I could tell holds her back a little bit... it holds me back too. I don't want her to feel I am just looking for a rebound.

 

So last night we are texting back and forth and I asked her if she would like to meet up with us for bowling and some food tonight. She said was going to pass because last time she came out during the week she was dead at work. I just replied and said I understood, jokingly gave her a hard time and told her even it was just for a drink or two. She replied "And I am honestly just scared to hang out with you a lot" Which is because of my past relationship... she told me next.

 

So, I didn't know what to say and replied with something dumb and I think confused her. It was late and I was caught completely off guard so we said good night. I thought about it all night and replied to her in the morning. I told her I enjoyed talking with her and spending time with her and would like to get to know her better. My past relationship is in the past and I am ready to move on. She replied that she would be the stupid one taking my word for that and she said she has been though it also and thinks I need more time, maybe I should talk with someone else that doesn't know my situation. I was really confused with the last sentence... I don't know if she was serious or just trying to get me to say I only wanted to talk to her? I know she likes me so I know that is not the issue but I was thrown off big time with that.

 

I have never once mentioned my ex to her and I haven't done anything to show any signs of missing my ex or thinking about her or not coming out because of my ex. I can't think of anything that would give her those thoughts.

 

I completely understand where she is coming from and I know how she feels. I don't want her to feel like a rebound because she isn't. I started developing feelings for her and would like to keep talking with her... just take it slow, she makes me feel good and I look forward to the weekends once again. I am confused on what to do next. I don't want to sound desperate and nag at her but I don't want to throw away what we have over something that I feel isn't going to be an issue. I replied and told her I would like to keep talking with her and just take it slow, that I would tell her I wasn't ready to move on if I wasn't... I got no reply yet.

 

I guess I am looking for opinions on my next move. I am completely content going slow, how do I know if she is? We are not dating, just talking so I don't know if we at the point to sit down and talk about this?

[april15]

Play it cool. Just keep talking to her and hanging out with her in groups. Step back on the contact. Find something to occupy your time when you want to call her to hang out together and do that instead 50% of the time. She may be right, it may be a rebound. I thought I was over an ex once and the current girl was not a rebound but 6 months later, I found myself needing out. Waiting can not hurt, back off will give you a chance to get more perspective and in a few months she and you will know whether or not you want to heat things up again.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You have only been single for 5 minutes and are immediately trying to get another love interest. Of course you are rebounding. Having a love interest is a nice distraction from trying to process all the fallout from the last relationship. I think you need to back off and focus on things other than dating and finding a new person to replace the old one. Most rebounders will swear up and down that they are over it, have been for a long time etc etc to justify looking for a replacement relationship. Then it all goes pear-shaped once they realize that they haven't properly dealt with the break up..but by this time the reboundee is emotionally involved. This woman is very wise to want to steer clear.

[Fantanos]

Thanks april15. I know what you mean and I can see that being a problem.

 

Crazyaboutdogs... you are correct. Honestly when I first pursued her another love interest wasn't what I was looking for, I wasn't looking for a hookup either.. I guess someone new to chat with, not thinking of the consequences that are involved OR someones feelings. When you become single the first you think is you need to meet some one else, which is far from what you need. Now I have myself in a pickle because I have feelings for her and my ex is still there. I got myself in a worst mess then it was from the beginning. But I do like this girl, but don't want to hurt her... I have no idea what to do next. I guess let myself have time and trust it will all work out.