Should I give up? (depressed, need help)

[abysmal]

After all the years of unrequited interest with women, I just feel like I'm too depressed and angry to take any more chances for a very, very long time. I've tried broadening my horizons - getting to know many different women, and my failure and sadness has manifested itself, causing extreme issues with my confidence, and I have began to wonder - is it my appearance? Is it that I am just plain unattractive? I try to be as sweet and caring as I possibly can, but I am very shy and I've had this complex with my looks because I have never dated before, and I just assume that it must be my appearance, because otherwise I am not an * * * * * * * to women, condescending, or hateful, resentful, or obnoxious. I've grown to hate the young man I see in the mirror now, and I wish that I could change everything about my appearance because evidently this is the reason why no one has granted me a chance. Again, I have allotted myself to a broad spectrum of women, and I am not a shallow person. All I'm looking for in a girl is someone who is average looking but MUST be able to pass a litmus test in terms of intelligence and personal depth - not a genius level IQ or someone with a life story, but someone with whom I can have meaningful conversations with. I am looking for a woman not on a sexual level, but purely an emotional and romantic context. A relationship to me is not a status symbol (I don't give a * * * * what others think) or a sexual conquest; nay, I am looking for a life-long confidant, and I have a heart that is wasting away.

 

TL;DR? Main issue: What really hurt was what happened recently when I met this girl with whom I fell for because of her personality and intelligence, the aforementioned traits that I am looking for. She has a great deal of emotional strength as well, and I just completely admired who she was. Of course she was attractive, but that wasn't at all what held my interest.. there's a lot of girls out there, and yet very few with such unique and special qualities. She has had trust issues and bad experiences with men before, and I just wanted her to know that I care.

 

We've had good times together, yet eventually it happened as such given that I am insecure that I pushed her too hard, pressured her too much to be in a relationship with me, and when I tried to apologise she said that it wasn't alright that I had pressured her and that she didn't want me to bring it up, and I just explained that I brought it up because of the guilt that I had felt about it, how selfish and inconsiderate I was of our friendship, and that I didn't want it to ruin something wonderful between us. When I tried to distance myself from her and told her that I would miss our friendship, she said that she wouldn't miss anything because "we're still friends."

 

In truth I only wanted to emotionally bond with her as her best friend and I wanted her to share her life with me, and I didn't realise that this was my intention all along until it was too late and now I can't take back the mistake I've made. I haven't checked to see if she has messaged me back in three days or so because I am such a nervous mess and I've been up all night crying for the last couple of days about the whole situation and my * * * * up, and I really, really care about this girl and I want our friendship to work. And again, the issue about my appearance is in my mind - wondering if maybe she would have given me an opportunity if she found me handsome (I don't know how she seems me physically and that bothers me). Even though I am not looking for a relationship with her now, I have to wonder that.

 

So I am concerned on two fronts: I'm wondering what I can do to salvage our friendship because I want to be there for her as a close friend because knowing her and earning her trust means the whole world to me, and second, I'm wondering if I should just give up on being happy romantically. I would appreciate all thoughts and input. on this.

[StifledSavant]

I don't believe your problem is your looks. I don't know what you look like but I've been around long enough to realize that there is someone for everyone... usually more than one someone. I am not attractive either but I've been with some pretty hot women. I know one guy who is 50 years old and 450 pounds and his girlfriend is 10 years younger and weighs about 120, and damn she's hot! (for a 40 year old).

My point is that no matter what you look like or how large someone is, or even if they are a bit awkward, stupid or half on their way to crazy... there is always someone out there for them. But they don't necessarily meet before they are 25 years old. Sometimes it takes longer because of the differences between people and because most people (especially young women who tend to follow fashion trends) are sheep who just follow the group rather than determining and seeking the things and the people that will make them happy over the long run.

It seems to me that each item which makes us "different" from the rest, whether it be bad like our looks or something we wear as badge of honor, like how fair or good we are to others... each one of those differences makes it that much harder to find a match. If you're a decent man to women, then you were already in the difficult position of not being able to appeal to them with that "bad boy" attitude. Then you say that you are "sweet and caring". That will not only make you less successful with YOUNG women but if you're like that over all, society will do it's best to break you down at every chance it gets. Add on top of that, that you are insecure and feel badly about your appearance... Dude you are just looking for things to make yourself feel MORE out of place and doing that will make you APPEAR to BE out of place to others. Compound all you are feeling with the fact that we live in a society that promotes watching the misery of others on TV as entertainment and that it has become acceptable for women to portray themselves as " * * * * * es" because they all want to be Paris Hilton or a Kardashian, and it's no wonder that a decent guy can't find someone who will respond well to his personality!

The good news.... it will change as you get older. Some people mature and others will not but you will meet more people over all and so you'll find more opportunities to meet mature personalities that will appreciate you and the way you behave. I know you feel that time is a stalker because you want a happy relationship NOW. But try to think of time as your companion who will help you find the "types" of people who will better suit you. Time will also help you to eventually realize that it is not the relationship that you seek but the happiness in a relationship. You can't get happiness from someone else unless you have happiness in yourself already to offer to her as well. Take a breath and stop beating yourself up! It's not you, it's your NEED that might be pushing women away. Stop offering tomorrows to them, they may only want today. Total up enough "todays" and you'll be counting years.

Best of Luck!

[Fantanos]

It sounds like you tried to rush things, you are over thinking your plan way too much and it seems like you are trying to follow something you have built in your head?

 

I think just give her some time and don't bring it up again, let things happen on their own and don't worry so much. The second you quite worrying is when things will change. Again give her some time and then work on the friendship, let things happen with out pushing them. Check your messages and see if she replied!

[jkhunter]

Your problem had nothing at all to do with how you look. The issue was you pushed yourself on her. You tried to force her into a relationship instead of letting one naturally blossom. Nobody likes to feel pressured into something. My advice is to learn to be alright with your life if you and she never become romantically involved. This will enable you to relax around her and be yourself. If she likes you on a romantic level, things will develop between you. If not, it won't matter because you'll have learned to be ok without having her as a girlfriend.

 

Also, don't assume that nobody in the world would want you. You're jumping to conclusions that you're too unattractive to get a girlfriend; don't assume that. Unless every woman on earth has told you she thinks you're ugly, you can't know that you're unattractive to every woman out there. Take a look at this site and see some of the less than gorgeous guys these pretty women are with. link removed

[abysmal]

Fantanos, I can't check my messages, it's been almost four days now and I'm still broken up over the whole thing, still crying.. I don't know how to ease this pain. I am sad because not only am I potentially letting a WONDERFUL girl slip away either romantically/or friendship-wise, but I am so frustrated over my failure. She doesn't know that I would give anything even if it meant that I would be there for her as a friend. I've never felt this pain before.

[abysmal]

I appreciate everyone's input, I do remember her telling me when I initially asked her that maybe later on she would be ready. Jkhunter and Fantanos, you guys may be right that something could have developed if I wouldn't have pressed on. I think my reasoning was that I was determined to keep her around, and I felt like if we maintained a casual friendship that I would have lost connections with her. Right now I'm just trying to find the right words to say, to let her know that I would do anything just to have her in my life, and I'm STILL terrified to check my messages.

[jkhunter]

abysmal, if you like, I can help you ease these feelings you have.