The effect of ADHD on a relationship - communication issues, etc

[Lansing]

I was looking through the paper the other day and there was an article by an advice columinist and someone wrote in addressing a past issue where the person's bf/husband had serious issues dealing with money. I didn't see the original letter but the follow up was by a lady who had similar issues and later became diagonized with ADHD. When I was reading the article I had an "ah ha" moment because the last girl I was dating was diagonized with ADHD as a child and is still dealing with it. In my head I thought it was more of an issue with dealing with school work, focussing on doing math problems, etc but after reading that letter and now having done some follow up research I see all of these symptoms (like, impulsiveness, avoidance, etc) that are typical of ADHD.

 

To be clear, I don't want to "blame" her ADHD for the relationship failing. However, in retrospect, I realize that we were not communicating well and I feel like if I had tried to communicate with her ADHD in mind that things might have been different (or, at least, I would have tried to communicate differently).

 

I don't want to get back together with her in a romantic relationship as I really could not deal with her behaviour (regardless of the cause of it, I just felt like I wasn't cared for due to her lack of attention to a lot of things). I closed up a lot because of some of her behaviour and as a result she saw a different side of me too. The thing is, I want her to be happy in life and if she met an amazing guy that was able to deal with things better than me, than, that is great too. But, at the same time, I feel like she may not be aware of some of her traits that are causing her to get into the same situation on a repeated basis. We aren't talking right now, I would like to be friends with her down the road again but I don't know how I could communicate with her about some of the stuff I have been reading without it coming accross as me attacking her character or me blaming her for the way things were. Would it be best to not say anything until after we re-established friendship for a while and it was clear to her that I wasn't trying to "win her back". Some people might say "it isn't your responsibility anymore, she left you, get over it" but I was friends with her before we started dating and I feel like I can't just abandon her as a friend as I still care for her. I will say that I don't think I was ever "in love" with her because I didn't let myself fall in love with her as I tried to protect myself so much from liking her more than I did. 99% of the things she did that annoyed me I could relate back to ADHD symptoms. Regardless, I know that maybe the next guy could come along and not have any issues with certain things she does.

 

It has been a month of no contact. I am thinking I shouldn't contact her for a few months to let her focus on school and not re-open old wounds for either of us (I know it was hard for her to come to decision she did to end things) but at the same time I miss her friendship more than I miss the "relationship" aspect of things.

 

For those that want to read more about ADHD and relationships I found this site really interesting:

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To add to the above, I have been working on myself in the last month as well. I feel like I need to work on my own communication issues (sometimes I am afraid to say what I feel because I am too worried that the other person might take it the wrong way or might not understand where I am coming from). I have been working on being healthier physically too. I am also planning on meeting new people and dating others. I don't want to go back and date my ex.

 

My basic question is - has anyone else had experience with an ex with ADHD and in regards to whether or not I bring up a discussion about adhd with her prior to being friends with her again or just leave it for a potential future conversation. I can see her symptoms effecting even a more casual friendship as well.

[learning2relax]

Why do you feel the need to tell her at all?

 

I came to the realization that one of my ex's was NPD, talked about it with my therapist who also knows him and said that they agreed. But I never shared my discovery with him. I am now friends with him again. Still haven't told him. Why? Because unless he has a desire to acknowledge things for himself, anything that anyone tells him that he may perceive as negative about himself he will defend. What my realization has allowed now in my friendship with him, is that I no longer feel responsible for things that he is doing and I am not trying to convince him otherwise. It is an uphill battle that I can't win. The bottom line is that he has to be accountable. I cannot make him accountable. And for me to try and tell him something about what would be a clinical diagnosis about him when I am not a professional, he would feel that I am attacking him and he would dismiss it. So it has helped me to set boundaries and compartmentalize which has been incredibly helpful. At the time when I was hurting over being apart and his behaviors, when I learned of NPD, explored it, understood it and talked to a professional about it - I realized that this was not something that I wanted to live with for the rest of my life and I let go.

[Lansing]

Thanks for sharing your experience. She knows she has ADHD but I guess she may not realize how it is effecting her relationships with people, how it effects her anger issues, etc. I agree, someone needs to decide to do something about their problems before they will change but I guess if I was doing something in my relationships or interactions with people that was really frustrating to deal with I would like someone to be honest with me and point it out (in a diplomatic way as possible). From stories she has told me about her past it seems like similar issues have come up before and maybe she doesn't know how to deal with them or hasn't made the connection to ADHD. I am not saying that information I provide her would fix things but maybe get her on the right track if she does indeed want to address some of these issues.

[quirky]

had serious issues dealing with money

 

all of these symptoms (like, impulsiveness, avoidance, etc)

 

I just felt like I wasn't cared for due to her lack of attention to a lot of things

 

 

Yeah...welcome to my world. Well, I guess not anymore. My ex has ADHD. It is incredibly difficult to live with. All the symptoms you describe above and 100 more. There were so many things I couldn't make sense of, he was so unusually impractical. It left me at a state of feeling not listened to, not cared for etc. and questioning what's logical. Terrible planning and organisational skills, impossible at multitasking, scarily bad with money (almost got a loan shark in the past and didn't realise until we talked).

 

They are also often governed by catastrophic thinking, everything is black or white and in general impossible. Panicking often when problems arise and fearing responsibility and commitment to things/people because ultimately they don't trust themselves. And another one my ex had, he didn't nod or say things like 'uh hum' 'right' 'oh' when someone was talking to him. And you know what's the irony? I feel like I wasn't good enough. For whoever hasn't got ADHD this behaviour only occurs when you don't give a s*** about the other person so it's very hard to comprehend that it's not personal. For me it will take a looong time to get my self esteem back after the invalidation I have felt because of his difficulties. And ultimately I pulled the plug because I realised that he is often in some sort of crisis and that my dreams, feelings and desires will always come second.

 

Sorry I went on, it's just you can't imagine how hard it is to explain to people how confusing and hurtful this behaviour is. I am happy for you for not being inlove and not wanting to get back together, I hope to reach that sense of freedom (I still feel the invalidation)

 

As far as telling her. Maybe it is too soon now indeed. But you also say she knows? Maybe during this breakup or another time in her life (that enquires her to reflect on herself) she may investigate it further. I don't think it's bad to tell her you came accross the article but maybe not now.

[Lansing]

Thanks for sharing Quirky. I can totally relate to your post and really appreciate you sharing. Did you find out after about the ADHD or did you know while you were dating your ex? I guess part of me has been thinking "things would have been different if I communicated differently with her" or if I had known the reason she was acting the way she did, but, the more I see other people's stories the more I realize it is something very difficult to deal with. I don't think she realizes how it effects her interpersonal relationships, I see a lot of what you said in terms of her interactions with others. I am planning on getting a book out of the library and reading it at some point so I will know more background before I talk to her again. I won't bring it up right away because I don't want her to think I am blaming her for the end of the relationship. I feel a real desire to try to be friends with her again but I am trying to hold off as long as possible to be in touch with her again. I am also dealing with issues of feeling invalidated during the relationship itself. My self esteem has suffered as well even though I am usually pretty confident.

[CindyTime]

Hi Lansing. Thanks for stopping by my thread.

 

I have never dated anyone who was ADHD, but the guy I dated last year had some problems that impacted our R (and probably any R he wants to have). He is bipolar and suffers from depression. There are probably other things too that I'm not even aware of. I also think he might be an alcoholic. I did not realize that until after we got closer and then I saw how bad it was.

 

He was the rebound that I have been talking about in my sitch.

 

Seeing all those issues made it so much easier to walk away. Knowing it was a rebound even easier.

 

I put some distance between us very quickly, but maintained an open door. I didn't want to give him the wrong impression about us, but I did I call to check on him sometimes, and when his dad died (over the holidays), I went to the service and reception after. I wasn't trying to get anything out of him. Mostly I wanted him to know that I do care about him and his family. (We were friends in high school and started talking a few years ago....just as friends though. So it was easy to turn to him after the BU from RC over the summer).

 

Anyway, by keeping in touch with him since that ended, I earned his trust. No strings attached.

 

Last week I called him to check on him. He usually doesn't respond to me. Sometimes he will send a text or something. But for the most part, he is a bit of a jerk, unable to deal with his mood swings and depression. He tries to take things out on me. (Long story.) This time when I called, he answered. He apologized for his recent behaviors and we had a nice long talk.

 

I know that I can't help him with his problems, but I can tell it means something to him to know that I am here (as a friend) and that I care. He told me that he thought having me in his life would help, but he realizes now that I can't help him -- and he actually brought a lot of drama to my life, brought me down, and he knows I deserve more from someone.

 

I guess what I am trying to say here is that maybe you talking to her back then could have helped, but maybe not. You will never know. (I realized very quickly that any help this guy had was going to need to come from within himself, helping himself, which he did not do). You can't fix her, but if you earn her trust, as a friend, she may be willing to listen to your point of view. The rest would be up to her.

 

It took around 3 months for this guy and I to be able to talk again, with minimal contact in between. But by being steady and reliable, the trust came. He believes in what I say - but he doesn't usually do what I say. Big difference! It's something he has to figure out on his own, has to want, but I'm not sure he'll ever get there.

 

I don't know if I'm rambling or if any of this is helpful at all. I don't want to take over your thread with my issues, but I'd be happy to share more if you like.

[sandrawg]

My last 2 exes both had ADHD. I have no idea how I ended up with TWO people like that. And I'm sure it affected both relationships...in the first one, the guy drank to medicate his ADHD. Developed a drinking problem. Was extremely impulsive and didn't think much abotu the future or longterm effects of his actions. Very hard to be in a rel'ship with someone like that.

 

I'm still trying to figure out if the biggest problem in my last rel'ship was his immaturity, or his ADHD. Or his control issues...

[Lansing]

sandrawg.... Thanks for the post... After reading up more about adhd I am realizing that a lot of the symptoms of adhd were things that I was interpreting her as being "immature" . A lot of discussions bring up a common thread where it feels like the partner without adhd feels like a parent at times to the partner with adhd.

 

I am wondering at what point the "adhd" becomes so intertwined with their personality? Like, I wonder how successful people have been in terms of managing it even if they want to.

[Lansing]

I have been doing some more research on this and I keeping finding more and more that is helping me understand what was going on. I haven't contacted my ex and I don't plan on contacting her. I may run into her in the future and at that point may try to re-establish a friendship which we had before we dated.

 

I found this website very useful. Some great videos that I have just starting watching.

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