help me

[bananashake]

7 weeks post breakup and im still soo upset and sad.

 

we had a fight and i said some things that have always bothered me about him. The thing that made him super pissed at me was when i critisized his parenting. he has 2 kids by 2 different women. and he treats the kids noticeably different. it's pretty sad. One kid, he babies and coddles (age 5), the other kid (age 6) is constantly in trouble for something, anything, nothing. I sopke up and told him how pathetic it is that he does that and that I hope he isn't suprized when the kids grow up disliking eachother, or, when the critisized child grows up and rarely talks to his dad.

 

he told me to leave him and his kids alone or else he will go to the authorities - * * * ? He said to never talk about him or talk to him, to act like he doesn't exist because that is how he feels about me. And i heard from a friend that he has a new number.

 

i stood up for a 6 year old, so I really don't feel bad for what I said. but I was hoping he would come around, admit to needing counseling, etc.

[Ms Darcy]

I think there were better ways to express concerns about the treatment of his six year old without callig him pathetic. That is not a loving thing to hear from someone who would potentially co-parent with you.

[DN]

Perhaps he treats the children differently because they behave differently.

[bananashake]

Perhaps he treats the children differently because they behave differently.

 

The non-favored child is as good as gold. The other one is a total brat.

 

And by different, I mean, the non favored child never gets hugged. The non favored child hears snide remarks about his mom. The non favored child gets blamed for everything by dad, i.e., when his brother fake falls and fake cries. The non favored child can never seem to do anything right.

 

The favored child gets everything, including, hugs, encouragement, etc.

 

It's total * * * * and none of you can tel me that you wouldn't have issue with this. It's not subtle in any way. It was so obvious that I would leave his house with an upset stomach at least every week. I brought it to his attention NICELY several months ago and he said he is aware that he does the favoritism thing. He said he never felt a bond with his older child and can't stand his mom, thus, favoritism for the other child whose mom he has a good relationship with. I told him nicely that it's fine to feel the way he does, but try to work on how he interacts with them while they are together, that the non favored child is noticing the difference.

 

The "pathetic" VM came about after I just had it with how he was treating me (no appreciation or respect at all). I steamed about how hurtful it is when he stands me up, doesn't return my calls, ignores me, etc when I have been a wonderful, loving gf to him. And then I started in on him about his son. My delivery was poor because I was sooo mad, but what I said has truth to it and I think deep down he knows it.

[DN]

Well, I think you have no choice but to do as he asks.

[bananashake]

I am, I am. It's jst that.... I miss some of the good memories of him and I def miss his kids. I know his kids miss me, too. I wonder what he tells them. I wonder if he has any fond memories of me, or, if his memory of that breakup VM trump all the good things I brought to the table. I wonder if if he will every contact me. Does he reflect on the msg and realize I was brutal, but honest. I wonder if we will ever see each other in this super small town.... should I say anything at all? Should I smile and keep walking? Not look at him as we pass? Does he ever think of me? Does he feel bad for how he treated me?

[DN]

Sorry to say but when you criticise someone's parenting and their child, directly or indirectly, especially if you are 'brutal but honest', their opinion of you is unlikely to be positive.

[bananashake]

I'm not arguing that. But on my behalf, what type of woman would I be if I didn't speak up? Seriously. I wasn't nitpicking his parenting style - I realize he is human and makes mistakes, that kids don't come with instructions, etc. but he was a downright bully to that kid! how many of u mothers/fathers would NOT appreciate someone like me? a person who stuck up for your kid in a house where parental bullying was happening by your ex? Turn the tables and see it from a different light.

 

I know he is not in favor of being told he sucked at being a parent. the truth hurts. And it's not just MY assessment of how his parenting is less-than-nurturing. He knows he plays favorites - he acknowledged this when I pointed it out the first time, but instead of owning up to it, he blamed it on: the relationship he has with the kids mom, and of course, it's ALWAYS her fault. And he blamed it on never bonding with the kid as a baby. Hmmm. Ok. What next?

[JA0371]

Not for nothing...but you are not the kids mom, so 'telling' this guy his parenting skills suck is WAY out of line. Whether your intentions were 'good' or not is irrelevant. He obviously did not feel your comments were welcome OR appreciated. That's the bottom line.

[DN]

I'm not arguing that. But on my behalf, what type of woman would I be if I didn't speak up?

Well, since you asked, you would be one who minded her own business. I think you have to accept that what you think is the truth and what he thinks is the truth may be two different things.

 

if he were being abusive to the point that CAS should be involved then you should have called CAS but otherwise it wasn't your place to interfere.

 

But all this is moot now, isn't it? He's your ex and presumably is moving on, I think you should do the same.

[Ms Darcy]

You already did speak up, and you did so in a diplomatic way. Anywho, it's over now so best to keep moving on.

[Heartdead]

This can easily be looked at from both sides with the same outcome. From your side: why are you even with this guy? Any man who treats a child, let alone one of his own, in the way you have described should be a HUGE red flag to any woman. If he will treat his OWN CHILD this way how do you think he will treat a woman he is dating? Run away and never talk to this piece of garbage ever again.

 

From his side: They are not your children. Not biologically, nor as a step-parent through marriage. You really have no right to criticize his methods of rearing his own children. I myself do not have children and would never consider treating a child the way he has as you portray. But even if I did and made some parenting mistake and my GIRLFRIEND ripped me apart for it...she would be immediately shown the door.

 

Either way, it's pretty clear you are better off without this assclown in your life.

[bananashake]

from my side: he was great in the beginning. i'm holding on to those memories, I suppose. Also, I think his older child REALLY looked forward to seeing me and vice versa!!

 

the first red flag, thinking back, was pretty much the 2nd week. I went to his house for dinner and he told his dogs to go downstairs. They didnt go, they wanted me to pet them. Soooo, he lifted up his hand and acted like he was going to hit them if they didn't go downstairs. I screeched and covered my eyes and said: "dont hit them". They immediately went downstairs after that and he explained that he has never and will never hit them, that he does that so they mind him. that he loves them. I thought it was odd that he would use a fear factor to get them to mind, but my friends said it was OK as long as he didn't hit them.