Blondiegirl Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 I am friends with my ex and occasionally we would go out for a drink just as mates and one night we went out stayed out all night and he wound up crashing at my flat ( nothing happened) and the next morning he was in a bad mood like I did something wrong. He left and I haven't heard from him since then. I am hurt and confused I didn't do anything wrong the evening was great we danced all night had a few beers and he crashed at my place. Normally he says at least a cheery hello or asking how I am no nothing. I want to call him but I am fearing if he really wanted to talk to me he would since he used to talk to me but now it is like he ceased all communication with me and I am confused. Should I go to NC and wait for him or should I contact him? The thing I went to NC when we broke up and then he contacted me said hey let's hang out and we did and we did this several times having fun just as mates and now I feel like I should go back to NC since he isn't contacting me anymore but at the same time I don't want to think I am blowing him off but at the same time he should contact me if he really wants to talk to me right? Please help! Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 He is your ex - he owes you nothing. I would just not contact him at all. You can't move on and find someone new, anyhow, if you are hung up on him. Don't beg him or chase after him. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 He expected you'd sleep together and he's upset that didn't happen. Ex's are never friends, they always have some expectation - this is a great example of that. All of that chuminess you felt between he two of you was just him trying to put himself in a position where he could sleep with you. When all of that hard work of suppressing his true feelings didn't pay off and he didn't get any, he got upset. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Is this the guy who asked you to give him space and also to have a threesome with a new gf? I am assuming that he is the one that eventually ended things. If so then this "friendship" will ultimately be on his terms (as it is in with most dumpers who ask their ex's to remain friends with them) and, as abitbroken said, he is your ex so he doesn't owe you anything - meaning he can walk in and out of your life as he pleases. All the while you carry on agreeing to be his friend then I am afraid this is what you have signed up for. And please don't worry what he thinks ... he is the one that blew you off first remember? You don't owe him anything either. Link to comment
laninaperdida Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Guys only remain friends with their ex for 2 reasons: 1. Guilt - They feel bad that the relationship ended - whether they broke up with you or you broke up with them - and being civil/making sure you're "OK" are their ways of redeeming themselves for breaking your heart. 2. Sex - It's a way to keep the door open. I know you're probably thinking he's being this way because he's confused on if he wants to get back together or not (who wouldn't want to think that?) and that this amazing night with you stirred up all of the old feelings he had for you, but that's the best-case scenario. It's also the most unlikely. I'm sorry, honey, but he's your ex and unless he's doing something - and you'll know when/if this happens - to make the relationship work you need to accept that he's moved on. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 There's four categories of male friendships: 1) Completely platonic friendship with no attraction towards each other and no interest in sex with one another. Rarest of the four. Sometimes will change into 2. 2) Platonic relationship while one or both people have an attraction towards one another, nobody acts on it due to risking the end of the friendship. Sometimes turns into 3. 3) Platonic/Non-platonic relationship while one or both people have an attraction towards one another. One or both uses the "friendship" as a platform for more. Sometimes turns into 4. 4) Non-Platonic relationship (FWB) while still trying to maintain a "friendship" with the other person. Expectations are made, regardless of the "rules". This also includes most ex-boyfriends/girlfriends. You can only go from 1 to 4, never backwards (for long). Link to comment
Blondiegirl Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 It was number 1 and I am just confused what happened. I enjoyed his company I enjoyed sharing a glass of wine with him someone I could talk to but somehow something happened during that time I cannot blame myself that would be downright silly because it is his choice for whatever reason maybe his girlfriend wasn't too keen on us being friends anymore even though it was strictly platonic or maybe he started falling back in love with me and rather than fall back in love with me all over again he decided to stop contacting me. It stings a little bit because I truly did like him as a mate and I never had feelings for him anymore I just enjoyed his company and now I miss it and hurts I am not going to lie. I hate when someone walks out of your life ceases all communication and you wondering what bloody happened? I know he owes me no explanation but I still wonder how can things be so great and we loved hanging out to eh what's her name again? Basically that is how I feel right now. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Maybe you thought it was but I have to disagree, I think you're firmly #4. I think he called you because he was lonely or had some other misrepresented aim and that night he might have expected something else. Perhaps he just realized he's wasting his time. He's a friend, why do you insist that he call you? Do you expect all of your "friends" to constantly call? If this was just another "friend" wouldn't you just call them and ask them what the heck is wrong with you? Ask yourself if it's really #1, I doubt you feel there's no expectations. Link to comment
Blondiegirl Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 Ya probably 4 is right I suppose. I suppose when he crashed at my place and got denied he got upset and now he can breeze in and out of my life whenever he wants on his own terms or whatever. He might ring me up in hopes of a booty call or just to say hey but again only on his terms. Thanks I think I am seeing the big picture here. My hopes of him excepting a text on my mobile from him or a simple chat isn't going to happen because it is on his terms and me texting or ringing him up isn't going to help anything ( it might make me look desperate) if he wants to fancy a chat I am sure he can find me. Thanks for letting me see the big picture I am a four rather i want to admit or not. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Maybe his gf is a big factor in this. Hanging out regularly and crashing at an ex's house is a big no-no for most people. Staying in touch, catching up over a coffee occasionally, fine ... but spending the whole night at an ex's? Nah. You would have a hard time trying to convince the most easy going of people that it was strictly platonic under those conditions. Maybe you should just accept that friendship on that scale was never really going to work ... not when one or both of you started seeing other people. Link to comment
learning2relax Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Step back and look at the big picture. You are both keeping yourself in an impossible situation by remaining in contact with each other. People get upset and angry due to emotions. Conflict. He won't commit to being with you but he doesn't want to give you up either and you are making the same choice. You are both actively choosing to live in a state of denial which can manifest into negative behaviors due to the denial and conflict that you both chose to live in. It isn't because he doesn't care. He obviously has some feelings there but the way you are both participating is hurting your "friendship" vs. helping it. You can't be friends with an ex when there are feelings of any sort that are still flowing like a river under the surface. He is not indifferent. If he was than he would not express emotions nor have conflict. Again, this does NOT mean that he wants to be with you or CHOOSES you over the other girl. He is trying to have his cake and eat it too but is in denial over what it is doing to him. It is like making a deal with the devil. And your reaction to his reaction shows that you are living in the same denial and upset. If you both want a chance at any type of contact (e.g. friendship, relationship, etc) then the best you can do for both of you is to cut each other off. You both need to move completely past he relationship in order to not cause any further damage with the resentment that grows from trying to do what you are doing. Then if it is in the cards for contact in the future, you can pick up where you left off but with a fresh perspective. Staying in touch will ultimately ruin things to the point that one of you will have no choice but to walk away and cut off contact with the other and possibly not speak to each other again. Because the thought of any contact when living in this state for so long, and harboring resentment will only cause one or both of you to associate each other with pain and hurt. You don't want to let him go. You want to stay in touch. You care about him deeply. But, what you are doing right now is actually more painful than good - for each of you. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 What do you want to happen here? You can be either #4 for life or jump back into a relationship with him or go NC. Link to comment
Blondiegirl Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 I guess the best bet is to follow the poster above you and what others said and cease contact with him and he is probably doing the same because he isn't sure what he wants and perhaps he started having feelings came back but in the meantime he has a gf and he realizes he can't have his cake and eat it too. Who knows what he is thinking but the best bet would for me to go back to nC and walk away it will pain me but it's for the best. Maybe somewhere down the road maybe months years whatever we can be mates again but for now it's just best to walk away and his not talking to me was a blessing even if I won't admit it. Some things happen when we least expect them and we want things to go back to what they were and be mates but it just isn't going to happen at least not at this point. It was fun while it lasted and I'll miss him but like I said maybe down the road but not right now. Link to comment
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