Who should be the one to break no contact with thier ex

[skeedidley]

Suppose the person who got dumped in a bad breakup is really upset and eventually asks for no contact. If 9 months have gone by with no contact, is it okay for the dumper to contact them again? How do you know if they just said no contact but really want to talk to you too? Maybe it's just a pride thing and they're just waiting for you to contact them because they were the one who got dumped? What if you really want to talk to them and miss them and you're sorry? Just respect their last request for no contact?

[abitbroken]

If they said they don't want you to contact them, they don't want you to contact them. If you do, then you take the chance that they will 1) Run farther away because they are hurting and don't want anything to do with you or feel that you are not giving them their space 2) Risk being hurt when you find out they have moved on and are dating someone else 3) Find that they are not the person that you have put on a pedestal all this time - you think "what was i thinking? 4) Can find out that they have healed and decide to give you another shot.

 

I hate to say it, but the ball is in their court. I also hate to say that if you want to talk to them because you miss them...are you doing what you can to heal yourself?

 

#4 is really rare - most of the time if it is a BAD breakup and not because of circumstances (one is moving away to school and there are no hard feelings but a relationship doesn't seem feasible, or two people just mutually decide that they feel more like friends), then it is best to be left alone.

 

This is just my opinion, though - as both someone who asked for no contact as the final straw with someone who would not leave me alone and would follow me, and on the other side of the coin where someone disappeared.

[skeedidley]

Bad breakup meaning bad time to dump somebody and so it was a bad reaction to it by the dumpee, not bad breakup because of bad things in the relationship

[abitbroken]

Bad breakup meaning bad time to dump somebody and so it was a bad reaction to it by the dumpee, not bad breakup because of bad things in the relationship

 

Well...no time is a "good" time to break up with someone. And the idea that the dumping was somehow incorrect is your perception. Apparently, the dumper stuck with their decision. If the other party was the dumpee, it was not a bad reaction on their part. They have been dumped, hurt, and wish to move on and heal. They are not beholden to be a dormat to the dumper, hoping they will change.

 

For whatever reason, one person doesn't want to be contacted - whatever part they played.

[toby17]

Skeedidley,

 

what do you want? what are you hoping to achieve with contact?

 

do you want to get back together? if not, leave the dumpee alone.

 

if you don't want to reconcile:

- the dumpee doesn't want/need to hear from you, because you broke his/her heart

- you wanting to contact the dumpee is selfish (just like the breakup ) - it's about what you want/need not what dumpee wants/needs.

[skeedidley]

Skeedidley,

 

what do you want? what are you hoping to achieve with contact?

 

do you want to get back together? if not, leave the dumpee alone.

 

if you don't want to reconcile:

- the dumpee doesn't want/need to hear from you, because you broke his/her heart

- you wanting to contact the dumpee is selfish (just like the breakup ) - it's about what you want/need not what dumpee wants/needs.

 

 

just sayin how do you know if they don't really want to be contacted. don't some people just say no contact because they give up hope and want to appear in control?

 

so i'm asking if that's the situation then should you still wait and see if they contact you because that's the only way a healthy reconciliation could work? what if they never do just because they gave up?

[lonelyheart2]

I think if you want her back and really want to show her how sorry you are you should take the risk and see what happens.

[toby17]

Did you read my post skeedidley?

 

I said if you don't want to reconcile, don't contact the dumpee.

 

So the question is, do you want to reconcile or are you asking this question because you just want to be friends?

 

If you just want to be friends or you just miss the dumpee but don't want to reconcile, leave him/her alone.

[Moomoomike]

You need a set of objectives you wish to achieve. Don't contact her just for the sake of contacting her. State your goal. Tell them that you are curious how life is for them, and leave it a couple of days, if they are receptive then you can ask them out for coffee or whatever and talk about reconciliation. If it's a no go, then that's it, give it a rest and leave it be.