Really not helping myself

[stevef20]

Hi Guys,

 

I have a problem, had it all my life sadly. I meet someone and if i like them get attached to them very very quickly, met a girl last week and we went on 3 dates the same week, i really like her well at least i think i do, she is now away on holiday and i feel devastated, not sure im going to see her again and its killing me.

 

This is so pathetic i know, i read it myself and cringe but its me and i cant change it.

 

Any ideas how i might change things so i dont set myself up for a world of hurt???

 

Thanks in advance

[puppetted]

I don't quite understand...if she just went away on holiday, that doesn't mean things are over right? I can understand you missing her while she's away, but it'll be okay! No reason to think otherwise, right?

Just don't understand why you don't think you'll see her again?

It might be useful to concentrate on other things going on in your life, or a hobby / exercise / some good music.

[stevef20]

Thanks for commenting puppetted, I agree with all you've just said.

 

It's so pathetic that I'm sat here with knots in my stomach scared ill never see her again.

 

It's weird that at work I'm the most confident person in the world yet personally I'm a wreck.

 

I'm angry and sad....

[puppetted]

Thanks for commenting puppetted, I agree with all you've just said.

 

It's so pathetic that I'm sat here with knots in my stomach scared ill never see her again.

 

It's weird that at work I'm the most confident person in the world yet personally I'm a wreck.

 

I'm angry and sad....

 

Well no, don't call yourself pathetic! Beating ourselves up for feelings doesn't do us any good after all--you're having that reaction for a reason. I think (from the sound of it at least) you're kind of shaken because you don't know how to handle feelings of missing someone. Maybe you have some insecurities that you'll be left alone or abandoned or rejected? I'm not trying to criticize you, but that's what I would think based on quick attachment.

 

Don't be afraid though....you've said nothing here about her rejecting you or the possibility of dating more. I mean, if you think back on how everything has gone thusfar, is it good? Try not to worry! It'll be okay.

 

Is this kind of attachment common for you? I mean, other than with relationships.

[stevef20]

Thanks again.

 

I think I am insecure, ex wife cheated on me but that was 15 years ago, perhaps I'm still haunted deep down. I think you're also spot on with rejection comment, its that fear that hits me hard. I'm supposed a great catch yet you wouldn't believe it the way I am.

 

To answer your question, the attachment thing is just in relationships, as I said at work I'm super confident, my mates love me, its just this fear of loss and rejection.

 

Thanks again

[puppetted]

Thanks again.

 

I think I am insecure, ex wife cheated on me but that was 15 years ago, perhaps I'm still haunted deep down. I think you're also spot on with rejection comment, its that fear that hits me hard. I'm supposed a great catch yet you wouldn't believe it the way I am.

 

To answer your question, the attachment thing is just in relationships, as I said at work I'm super confident, my mates love me, its just this fear of loss and rejection.

 

Thanks again

 

Well my dear, I understand the self-confidence issue / insecurity (I have my share of it as well), but in the end, I think the thing that will help you the most is to learn to love yourself. Easier said than done! What makes you a great catch? Think about it for a bit. What are your most attractive features (in your life, personality, everything)? Be fair to yourself. In my experience, the only way to get over the relationship insecurity (mostly...not 100%, but a fair bit) is to be in more relationships after a period of rest to yourself. I think that's good advice anyway. You learn that everyone is not the same, and you learn to stop expecting infidelity. I'm not a psychologist, but it's helped me a fair bit.

 

Three dates means someone typically enjoys your company (otherwise there would be no second, no third!) so relax--I seriously doubt she'll want nothing to do with you after her holiday trip.

[stevef20]

I've always been a little nervy of the love yourself thing, I'm sure it helps but it comes over as a little vain, well to me anyway. Thankyou for sharing that you're a little insecure yourself, it does help knowing I'm not alone and I appreciate you admitting this

I can see your point re being in more relationships after a period of rest too, it makes sense and I get that you will see that not all are disasters waiting to happen, I guess my problem here is getting to this point without blowing up internally.

I hope you're right about her wanting to see me again when's she's back, I like her and would like to see where it goes, ny fear again though is that she will meet someone better on hols, oh well....

 

Thanks again

[penelope13]

What are you angry and sad about?

[stevef20]

I'm angry because I feel like I do and its pathetic, I'm sad because I have a feeling inside that I'm not going to see her again and that will hurt

[quirky]

Do you have co-dependency tendencies? Getting attached to people too quickly and latching on for dear life?

[penelope13]

Is it possible that you are afraid and masking it with anger and sadness? - It's understandable that you are afraid that this opportunity may also lead one day to pain. While there is always a risk involved with being hurt when it comes to relationship, realize that your hurt and fear are about your past and past relationships. If you want to make a new relationship work, with this woman or someone else, you can't burden them with your past fears.

 

I'd recommend that you take things SLOWLY. Don't rush into this relationship. Give it time to build slowly, but steady so that you can build a strong foundation, that you have time to truly get to know this person. While I understand the rush of wanting to see her all the time, 3 dates in the first week is quite a lot if you are dealing with fear of abandonment. You can't squash that fear by being around her all the time. The fear will lesson the stronger your foundation with this person is.

 

At this point you don't even know yet if she could be a long term partner to you, so take time to get to know her.

 

And have fun while doing it

[stevef20]

Oh god, that might be it, didn't know it had a name. Doesn't sound a good trait to have.

[stevef20]

Thanks Penelope, I wish it was that simple for me, my problem is I get attached real quick and so go slow doesn't fit. I agree 100% though just not sure I can do it, ill try.

House.g slow won't take away my fear of abandonment though will it? Could be reverse.

 

I think that maybe I'm destined for a single life, I won't have love but equally wo.t have hurt either.

 

 

 

 

Quirky, thanks for your post, I think you're right sadly.

[quirky]

^^hey, don't worry about it. I was like that too mostly the 'latching on for dear life' aspect. It's a result of that low self worth you describe. I have had a few really co-dependent relationships all filled with some sort of drama. I like intensity and complexity as it is in ideas, art, music and furthermore it filters in relationships a bit too. I have bought Codependent no More by Melody Beatle and it reaaaally helped. It takes work to get over that stuff, you have to be alert and monitor your behaviour in order to form new patterns.

[stevef20]

Quirky, I understand that a book may help you recognise a problem but has it really helped you let go of this horrible gut wrenching emotion. I feel like I'm at a point where I will just resign myself to a single life.

[penelope13]

would you consider therapy to deal with this? Give yourself a chance how to learn to build relationships in a healthier way than before.

[stevef20]

I would yes, if I thought it would help me be rid of this awful feeling.

 

Do you think I should just get the hurt out of the way and end it now?

[penelope13]

No, I don't think avoiding the situation ,i.e. not dating, is the solution.

 

I would seriously consider cognitive behavioral therapy to learn how to build up relationships in a more regular speed, how to identify where the fear is coming from and how to move past the fear.

[stevef20]

Penelope, thankyou, ill look into your recommendation, I certainly dont want to go through life feeling this sad and pathetic and I won't end it for now. I'm sure she will do this soon enough

 

I'm very very grateful that you along with quirky and my friend Puppetted stopped by.

[penelope13]

Don't turn this into a self fulfilling prophesy by letting your lack of self confidence and your fears push her away. She agreed to 3 dates with you, she kept in touch with you while traveling, so there is potential.

[JonasWaingaro]

I agree with the rest and you might need to seek some help if this is affecting your life, and it seems like it is. Abandonment issues, rejection issues, and such are difficult to handle at times, especially after a BU. Do you think maybe you started dating a bit too soon? Maybe you aren't ready for casual dating yet. It's very easy to get caught up in 'having to be proactive' and pushing ourselves too hard, too soon. The result is usually confusion and getting lost. Never a fun place to be. Anyway, take it slow and don't pressure yourself so much.

 

One thing you might need to focus on is positivity. If you allow yourself to focus on the negative all the time you will be negative - and in turn project negativity. Negative people aren't generally fun to be around. That's something you can try and fix yourself. Ya know? I understand you are sad, lonely, and feeling like dog crap. Believe me I've been there, and at times struggle back and forth but I always try to stay positive. Because, I believe, positive energy helps push you forward. Negative energy keeps you solidly stuck in the past. Just a thought, you may not agree at all!

[stevef20]

There was my friend, I haven't heard from her in days....

[stevef20]

Hey Jonas,

 

Thanks for stopping by buddy.

 

I'm just trying to be happy again my friend, I'm trying soo very hard but it appears that I'm a mess, I've clearly got issues and that makes me sad too, I'm such a kind loving man but sadly one that carries emotional baggage.

Makes you wonder why you bother sometimes

 

Anyway, your thoughts are always welcome so thank you.

[stevef20]

It's my birthday tomorrow and she's knows this, I'm guessing tomorrow will tell a lot.

[chickydoodle]

You need to let go of the fear of being rejected or that it wont work out- otherwise you will 'attract the thing you fear' ( a universal law which I do believe is true).

How to do this?

Have faith you will be okay if it doesnt work out.

Have a back up plan in life that will bring you joy and is independent of being with another.

Learn to be okay with the idea of being alone. You have already suggested this might be better for you. Sit with this thought and the feeling of being comfortable with it, not thru' a fear of RS failing but with a knowledge that it will be okay either way.