Dumb, Dumber, and What the Hell am I Supposed to Do?

[MadxMythMadame]

Lately my boyfriend and I have been having these irritating spats -it would be over stupid things. For example, the other night he had an 24-hour shift and afterwards, he went to sleep. Since he seemed like he really need sleep, I just left him alone, and went out with my best friend for sushi. Then he calls me while I'm having dinner with my friend and is clearly irritated that I didn't tell him I was going to go out tonight. I told him I'll talk to him later. I call it a short night with my friend - no drinks, long talks, ETC - call my boyfriend only to find out he's "out partying with the guys" - which is fine by me, but had he told me that before I would have just not called him.

 

Stupid, misunderstood spats... The thing is after these stupid things transpire I don't know what I want him to do. He always tells me, "There's nothing really I can do to soothe you or to make you feel better. What do you want me to do?" What am I suppose to say to that? And on top of it, when he feels like that, he comfortably starts talking about something happier, more cheerful, which irritates me more because it feels like he's blowing under the rug. I know he means well and I'm trying to understand that if he can't do anything and I don't know what I want him to do, then we should move on, but I can't help, but feel so irritated. What do I do?

[Batya33]

First, find at least two things to leave unsaid every single day where you promise yourself it won't build resentment. Second, with very rare exception, don't discuss issues when you're feeling irritated or angry. Third, if you see either of you going into the same unproductive pattern of arguing -bringing up the past, using generalized cliches, simply say in a fair way "I don't think we're getting anywhere in this conversation - how about we talk about it when we're both calm." And, I would keep in mind that being right is typically overrated in a serious relationship. Being close is the goal.

[nutbrownhare]

You can CHOOSE whether or not to be irritated, and ask yourself if it's really worth getting into an argument over. If it's fine by you, and he's out with the guys and not doing anything untoward - just leave it. Yep, you called him, and he'd gone out - but really it isn't a big deal. If he's asleep, and obviously needs to be, there's no harm in leaving a note to say where you're going.

 

If he sounds irritated when you think you haven't done anything wrong, then ask him what you could do to make him feel better. You might get a useful response. You might not. Either way, if you comfortably start talking about something more cheerful then you CAN move on. If he asks you what he could do, and there's something which he clearly could do in the future which would make it easier for you, then tell him. He might do it, or he might not. Either way, you have nothing to gain and everything to lose by getting irritated.

 

This doesn't guarantee a stress-free relationship. But it might help.

[midnightdeirdre]

For example, the other night he had an 24-hour shift and afterwards, he went to sleep. Since he seemed like he really need sleep, I just left him alone, and went out with my best friend for sushi. Then he calls me while I'm having dinner with my friend and is clearly irritated that I didn't tell him I was going to go out tonight.

 

In a situation like this, the easy thing to do is to leave him a note saying where you went. That's all. (And he should do the same for you.)