Losing Myself

[White_Kimono]

Hi, its been a while since i've posted in these forums, I hope your all well, and steadly pacing through your problems and concerns.

 

this post i'm going to write is mainly a venting, so, feel free to comment, if you want, it would be nice to know someone is there, reading this.

 

basically as the title suggests, i feel like i'm losing my sense of self. i don't know what i want to be in the future any more, I don''t feel like I know who I am any more, even to the point where i'm split into to people. I'm scared of that. My college has mucked up my examination results, so since i don't seem to exist on any records of achievement, i can't move on to university. it doesnt really show on the outside but this is a serious knock to my feelings. i already feel like i don't really mean nothing to no-one. So to believe that i wasted two years of my life to amount to nothing really bares on my mind. I feel like i can't move on. my family life is very little, my mum doesn't outwardly say it, but i know by her piercing remarks that she feels i'm a failure and has no hope for me, in that way I hate her, but her respect for all the hard work she puts into making sure i'm fiancially stable in life, just not emotionally. Like wise I don't get on with my siblings and bearly talk to my grandma who lives with us. A majority of the time i'm pent up in my room, because i don't like to interact with them. I like my solitude, because i like my own space and quite, but sometimes i feel like i have no choice but to stay in my room, like a prison. Its sufficating and a small space and nothing changes. I happen to have have gained few 'friends' in my life. The thing is, they are mainly childish and fun and outgoing, my opisite. I only share they're out look on things rarely and feel like I can't interact with them they probably want me to. In that way I feel left out and completely isolated. I fell in love with one of close friends at the time, who is male (i'm confused sexually, still to this day, thou i'm declared gay). After a good three years i felt he should know. I felt foolish for even expressing any of these emotions because like most stories about these type of things he accepted the fact but wanted to be friends. Though after that he distanced him self, hid the fact that he had girlfriends and made me feel even more issolated. I resent him now, but still love him, it hurts, and don't like that side of me that wants to hurt him and all he holds dear, thats what i hate about myself. I feel happy for him at times and want to be pleased that his life is happy more so that it use to be, but i'm trapped in my own hatred of the fact that i'm left out of that. Thats where a majority of the split in two stuff comes in to effect. I feel like i'm losing my mind. I resent those who have other people to love, but i want that for myself, but i don't want people to get close to me. whats going on in my head! I'm mentally tired now and my body has long ago decided to give up on things. To escape into my head I only have images of myself decapitated and bleeding myself to death, believing i'm better off dead. I've tried to overdose twice in my past two years. To no success of course, its like some drive keeps bringing me back, orignally I thought it was my need to see the one's i hold dear, but there's no proof that i'm truly wanted for that to be true. I still to this day contemplate killing myself in horrible ways. But i'm too scared of the pain before I die. I'm going nuts over all this, i feel like i'm going to explode most times. I don't know who i am or what i am anymore. Or even if I have in worth in this world.

 

I'm sorry for this long post. I don't feel any better for writing this, but at least i've found a way to express my feelings in words, before they blank out.

 

Thanks, Bye

[liquidsilk]

hey there, im really sorry, it must be really tough for you.. you need to make some friends that care and can be there for you and make you feel better. and you are not better off dead, even though i dont know you... i dont want you to die, dont think suicidal, if you do suceed in suicide, you will leave many people feeling guilty. i think people are taking you for granted, im sure your a great person.. sometimes people lose sight of that. so take care of yourself.. try hard in school, focus on your career, thats really important.. stay strong, i hope i was some help.. best of luck

[wdhhmsm]

Dear White_Kimono:

If your college has screwed up on your records, get a hold of all of your past professors!! They are usually required by law to keep all of their records of students for like 5 years!!! Talk to them and then talk to the records office. About how you are feeling, since you mentioned that you can't go to university, well try getting a hold of those records and then transfer. I think sometimes that by getting out of the house and going somewhere to learn and educate yourself is best. They will have many programs that you can get involved in at school and you will get a chance to live on your own. Many students afford it by taking out loans and working while at school. Look into financial aid. Then when you graduate and make the big bucks you can pay it all off! When you are away from your family you learn to appreciate them more! You will become more closer to your siblings, your mom, and your grandma. There is hope, do not give up!!

[White_Kimono]

Thank you very much for your two posts. they've been comforting a bit ^_^

 

This is a small update on life. Yesterday I received a call from the University I had planned to go to. Dispite no evidence of my grades they liked my portfolio of artwork and found that more important than any grades can prove. So they gave me a place. In a weeks time i'll be in Southampton doing my chosen course. I'm happy about it, though i feel a little rushed to get myself ready for life in different area on my own, but i appreciate the chance to live life in another backdrop and maybe life will improve with this new found space. I don't know how i'll get rid of these lingering feelings for my old friend, but hopefully with a great distance between us they will fade, but i'm not expecting to meet anyone new, so there many other things to contemplate.

[zac]

Hello, White_Kimono:

 

I feel so sorry about your former story, but since you posted your story and we can share your feelings, so you are not alone, at least you have us in the cyberspace. You have thansfered to a new environment, that is really good, which may let the unhappy things be fade. Hopefully, you have a good future, and forget about killing yourself, otherwise you will be a big loser. Good on U.