The Rules-I think it works to make a man commit!

[Luciana]

As mush as I hated The Rules and its manipulative way to make a man commit, it seems it works from real life examples I have seen.

[idontgetit]

no offense, but it also sounds like this girl was giving up herself and/or suppressing her own identity... when dating, each partner should be respectful of each other...this is not the 50s where women are supposed to be submissive and stay at home (not that there is anything wrong with staying at home if that is the WOMAN's CHOICE) i think she really did not give herself enough credit or value herself and her opinions enough. it's great that she took the time to get a master's and do her own thing, but it doesn't sound like a very healthy start.... and after all, a tiffany ring is great, but is she REALLY happy??

[Scout]

Will she continue not to complain once they're married with kids and she's saddled with all the housework, raising the children, and basically running the home while he has a blast with his buddies every weekend, and takes solo trips whenever he feels like it?

 

What exactly is the "prize" this girl won by submerging her opinions, needs, and emotions? A Tiffany ring? If so, she got bought pretty cheaply!

[Mun]

Did she knowingly do "the rules?"

 

A very wise older lady gave me this advice, she said " Never let him know he is that important to you"....

 

and a very bothered gentleman told me once " you need to find a man who wants attention the way you give it"... so I guess she was right.

[mtastic]

I agree with Idon'tgetit and scout, something just doesn't sound right about her simply stepping aside and not standing up for herself. It seems like its a pretty one-way relationship the way you describe it. Sure, she got a husband, but it really doesn't sound like she got a partner.

 

Just my opinion,

mtastic

[Mun]

You make a good point Scout. I wonder if her fiance ever stopped going out with the boys in favor of going out with her. Does he value her and take care of her too, or does he simply think that their marriage will be a continuation of his single life---but with a wife at home who won't complain?

[RayKay]

From the way you described it (and what little I know of the rules) that does not sound like well, a happy relationship. Maybe if I wanted a husband for the sake of getting married yes, but as another poster mentioned - not if I want a life time partner.

 

What is going to happen when they are married and living together? Is she still going to step aside all the time? I don't know - I agree with going through push/pull scenarios to keep the interest high, but sounds like she "gave" too much and thereforeeee is not getting a whole lot of fulfillment in return. I agree that sometimes our lives are busy and we can only see each other once a week or so, but hmmm...something sounds odd here.

 

We are supposed to be two complete individuals coming together, and it sounds like she was not able to be complete or felt comfortable expressing herself around him or expressing her needs.

[Day_Walker]

I believe the point that is trying to be made is that nagging/complaining doesnt get you things. It makes no sense to complain if your significant other wants to do things outside of the relationship. It is healthy to do things apart in a relationship. People need to realize that its not healthy to control a person with nagging and complaining. You are in a relationship by choice and not force. It sounds like this female is secure enough to realize what is she has control over and what she doesnt. I dont see why this situation is so hard to understand. The first assumption that was made was that this female was weak and she let the guy do whatever he wanted, but she was smart enough to realize the kind of person he was and the kind things he liked to do. Instead of this guy hiding things from her he was honest.

[Scout]

You misunderstood, DayWalker. The reason why we women got up in arms about this was because the post indicated that anytime the guy did something that upset the girl, SHE was dishonest by not expressing herself, and keeping her opinions to herself. All so she could get a commitment.

 

And I'm sorry, but any guy that would choose to go on a bachelor trip with his buddies on Valentine's Day instead of spend it with his girlfriend is no prize. So, we objected to that, too.

 

The fact is, we want to encourage women to get their needs met from a relationship, and not feel they have to play some silly game just so they can have a boyfriend/husband. "Getting" a partner is not the "prize" - getting your needs met from a relationship is.

 

Yes, freedom and independence are important for any healthy relationship. But the whole point of a relationship is to develop the love, trust, and growth of the two people in it. When you are constantly waiting around for the other person to throw some scraps of time your way, you are hardly in what can be called a healthy relationship, and if the time you spend together is almost entirely at the whim of only one person in the relationship, then that adds a negative, unequal balance.

[OceanEyes]

You misunderstood, DayWalker. The reason why we women got up in arms about this was because the post indicated that anytime the guy did something that upset the girl, SHE was dishonest by not expressing herself, and keeping her opinions to herself. All so she could get a commitment.

 

Yes, this is what I read in the original post also. It read to me, like this woman was basically venting to her girlfriends about her man and strongly disagreeing with his behaviour, but never actually to his face.

 

This comment was particularly disturbing:

 

On their first Valentines Day together he decided to go to Miami with his male friends for a boat show (probably some naughtiness too). She complained very lightly and let him go. She didn't care that he went to bachelor parties and just joked about it, even though she hated the thought.

 

Naughtiness? To what degree? It's pretty obvious that this woman was living in her own little personal hell some of the time. She hates the idea of him taking off on trips, going to bachelor parties, and only wanting to spend one night a week with her, but still she kept quiet? That's not a woman who is strong and secure in my opinion. If she was happy about everything and felt great that her man kept his own life and friends, then I would say, "great, what's your secret?". But after reading it seems like she had some of the same concerns and insecurities as the rest of us, but supressed them in order to secure a comittment from him? Why? What's the point of not letting a man know when he's upsetting you or causing you grief in some way? It's going to come out eventually!

[Mun]

I don't think any decent man would want to marry a woman who is a doormat.

 

It would be nice to get more details from Luciana about her friends relationship with this man in order to get a clearer picture.

[Mermaid]

This is ridiculous. There is no way that a relationship like that could ever work for the longterm. So she got a committment from him, big deal. If anything, we should pity this poor woman for being legally tied to such a lopsided relationship.

 

Look, a healthy pairing is an honest and equal one--and this isn't honest or equal. Of course this guy committed! He found a built-in sex partner who doesn't demand anything from him and lets him do whatever the hell he chooses, regardless of how it affects her.

 

I hate to break it to your friend, but her guy committed for all the wrong reasons. Hope she's happy with the bed she made.

 

 

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

I agree. If you have to do any sort of manipulation--either demand that he commit (set a deadline) OR become a "doormat"--then I put little faith in the relationship.

 

Personally, I think the more the man loves a woman, the more he'll want to get married. And as for those relationships that took 5 years and some coaxing but still seemed to have lasted. Well those relationships are 6 on a scale of 10 relationships. They fell for men that truly don't know how to love a woman.

 

It's sad. There are guys like that out there, and I don't know if they can change.

[Luciana]

Maybe she did manipulate him into marriage. But she was effective. She is happy as can be these days. He respects her. The Tifanny ring just shows that he values her. My BF gave me a moissanite ring (pretty, but not a diamond).

[Mun]

Luciana I see what you are saying. Your friend simply kept her own life and interests just like her boyfriend did. She didn't obsess over her man and try to control him. What is obvious to some women is not always so clear to others.

 

I wondered if she was happy and if he treated her well because according to The Rules this is what you will get when you do them( I read the book). The Rules are about maintaining your dignity and not settling for scraps or mistreatment from a man.You don't nag him when you are upset, you let him know in other ways. You keep having a life and YOU matter more than having a relationship. You don't sacrifice yourself or become a martyr in order to keep a man. And when you do all this you earn his respect because you respect yourself first of all.

 

Luciana you really can do something about your situation. What are you afraid of? How many more years are you willing to wait? YOU do deserve to get what you want without settling for what HE wants. The way you treat yourself is the way others will perceive you.

 

If you were to say you are happy then I would say more power to you--but your are not happy . It's totally up to you. When you are ready to get more from a relationship then you will be ready to change how you go about it. Until then, no matter what anyone says--you are not ready.

 

You really can't manipulate a man into proposing, I don't think a man will propose unless he wants to. No amount of manipulation will get him to put a ring on your finger. If he sees that you are ready to walk because you want more then maybe that is all the incentive he needs.

 

I really wish you the best Luciana.

[Luciana]

I had it. Last week I had an earnest conversation with my live in BF explaining how marriage was important for me. He told me he didn't wan to lose me and anything else. I mean, he didn't come up with a plan for marriage or a proposal.

I had had it. I told him I wanted to move out, sell our house and that I wanted to be FREE. Seriously.

Again he said he didnt't want to lose me.

And then he agreed to get married.

So I won, but honestly, I wish I didn't have to fight so hard. It takes the pleasure out of it if you know what I mean...I wish he wanted it as badly as me.

So now I have to start planning a small wedding, but I wish it wasn't like this. Commitment phobics need help.

[Mun]

I wish I didn't have to fight so hard. It takes the pleasure out of it if you know what I mean...I wish he wanted it as badly as me.

 

Yes I know what you mean.

 

Love