I just initiated NC, do you think I did the right thing?

[ashblaize]

Me and my ex are very much in love with each other. I honestly believe the things that he said to me even hours before we got into our last disagreement and he left to go out of town for the week. I know that the day after our argument, he was flirting with an old friend back home and I found out a couple of days ago that that guy came down to visit and stayed at his place for two nights. I know that he's rebounding (it was less than 24 hours after he told me that he loved me that he sought this guy's attention) and i'm hurting so bad. We work in the same restaurant and we will have to see each other, but I have decided that I have to initiate NC if there's any chance of us being able to reconcile. Here's what i sent him in a text message just now since I know that we will see each other tonight at work:

 

"I know that we said that we were going to talk tonight, but I don't think there's any reason. I've told you how I feel and nothing I can say will make that any clearer. I think that we need to not be in each other's lives right now. I wish things wouldn't have gotten to this point, but we can't change anything either one of us have said or done. you know how much I will always care for you and I'm so sorry for any hurt that you feel. hurting you is the last thing I wanted to do and I know you never meant to hurt me. I think it's best that we focus on ourselves. I tried to get my shift covered but no one would work. I'm sorry if things are weird, but I think this is the healthiest option for both of us..."

 

do you think I did the right thing by saying all of that? I want him to know that I love him and I really do think that everything in our relationship got so overwhelming for us both and we had too high of expectations for each other.

 

I hope I did the right thing. I am hurting so much....

[ashblaize]

He just responded and said:

 

"To be honest, I would have said the same thing if we had met up to talk. I agree that time apart would be the best thing. I don't want work to be weird or for you to feel you have to ignore me at work. I know that neither one of us wants anything bad for the other, and for what it's worth I'm sorry for anything my actions have done to hurt you."

 

*sigh* why does this have to hurt so bad?

[Flyingpiglet]

It does sound like you both need a bit of space from each other.. Unfortunatley, with working together things can soon get awkward. Point blank ignoring each other could make things uncomfortable for the rest of your workmates. Tough as it will be it would be better if you could just be professional with each other if you are in the same vicinity but nothing more.

 

It's going to hurt, there isn't a quick fix for that but you just have to give yourself time and things will get better.

Is there anway you can change your shifts going forward to prevent you having to work together so much?

[ashblaize]

I changed my schedule to where I will only see him on Sunday mornings. Unfortunately, I picked up a shift tonight and Thursday before everything fell apart and he works both of those nights. I won't be cold to him, I can't be. I love him too much to be that way. But I do know that the hurt of knowing about his rebounding so quickly will make it easy for me to stick to the formalities. I have a feeling it's going to be hard to even look him in the face for a bit after finding out about that... I understand what he's going through and that he's hurting and seeking solace and attention from someone else who hasn't caused hurt or strife in the past. This guy lives out of town, it won't work unless my ex decides to move back home. If that happens, then all of the times in the past month that he's said things like, "I love you so much" and "I want us to work" and "I love you so much I would die for you," will be proven as false. That will be hard to swallow, but actions speak louder than words. This is going to suck, but if I stay in contact with him, I will just push him away and I will continually get hurt. Eventually, he's going to have to face all of the emotions from this breakup, I just think that right now he's trying to distract himself. I've done the same thing in the past when I was younger. We all need to make mistakes. I just hope that one day, we can be together...

[Fun Boater 1]

Me and my ex are very much in love with each other.

 

No, you are not "very much in love". If you were, and it was healthy and right; there would have been no break up, and no other guy spending the weekend with him. If you continue to think of this relationship in the present tense, you are deluding yourself and you will delay your healing. Focus on yourself and moving on. Realize the relationship is over for the immediate future.

[Flyingpiglet]

I can't pretend it's going to be easy for you... It isn't.

But you have to be the best you can and get through this next couple of days with your pride and dignity intact.

 

You sound like you have your head screwed on tight and you know what you need to do. The hard part is doing it. He will have to face up to the emotions of the break-up eventually, but in the meantime, you have to be there and do whats right for the most important person in all this.... Yourself. Who knows what the future holds

[Destiny78]

So has he got to say what he wants to say to you? Is that why you were going to meet? I personally believe it's better to talk things out, even if it ends in pain, instead of letting things 'just be' and not having any contact. That way there is no loose ends and you won't be wondering how he 'really' feels.

[turnera]

We want what we can't have. If you want him to care more about you, you have to be willing to do without him. Not a guarantee, but it's better than being needy and clingy.

[ashblaize]

Destiny, he told me that he loves me and then freaked out on me about stuff from the past. I have told him that I think he misunderstood what was going on that night and that I love him and i want to work through this. He refused to talk to me and has been going off and making a lot of destructive decisions. The only thing that I would get from him is him telling me that he's interested in someone else (which would hurt me) or that he doesn't think that we can be together (which will hurt me) or that he didn't mean it all of the times that he cried and said that he loved me (which would hurt me). I think it's best to let him survey what's happened and if he really did mean those things, he will realize it. There's no need to continue to explain or try to convince each other, I feel.

[ashblaize]

So i just got home from the shift with him. When I got there, I just acted like he wasn't in the building. I wasn't rude or childish about it at all. He came up and had to grab something next to me and said "Hey, how's it goin?" to which I replied, "I'm fine..." and then I grabbed a towel and started wiping things down and getting ready for the dinner rush. I think that he is expecting that I'm going to still be his friend, and that cannot happen right now. He needs to lose me. And also, maybe he needs to be able to fall on his ass. He never could when I was always there holding him by the arm and protecting him from falling. When I was leaving, he was sitting out back smoking and playing on his phone so I just walked out the door, put on my helmet and gloves and left. He didn't look up at me or anything, so I would imagine he wouldn't expect me to initiate a goodbye. I could tell that he was a little taken aback by my demeanor tonight because I was being very positive and chit chatting with my coworkers and I even found myself singing a little Adele to myself to cheer myself up. I also went and talked to some regular customers of our restaurant who were there and he walked by and i saw him immediately go to the employee bathroom and he looked a little panicky. I kind of decided that I'm going to treat him like this guy that works there that I don't really care for. I don't notice every time that dude walks into the kitchen or walks past me like I do with my ex. I'm always aware of where he is. Like I said, I did not act childish or ridiculous about it and my coworkers didn't notice anything wrong. I feel like I did the right thing. Maybe I should have said goodbye when I left, but like I said, he was doing something on his phone and didn't look up or say anything to me. And NC means NO contact, right? Wouldn't saying goodbye be kind of out of the realm of that plan? I'm trying to stick to that very strictly. I have a feeling that it won't take long for him to start trying to contact me and become friends and I have to stay strong. He is not the same person I fell in love with right now. He's full of anger and fear and I understand that. Right now, he's a ghost of the man I fell in love with. I can feel that he's still in there somewhere, he's just let life fall on top of him... I need to maintain NC for the benefit of us both... It's just so hard!

[Scuza]

NC means NO contact. You did the right thing by initiating NC. If he says anything to you at work, respond politely, but try to end it quickly. Don't instigate any further conversation.

If he asks to be friends, politely decline. You do not want to be friends with him right now. It would benefit his recovery to have you around, so he can wean himself off of you, while it would be detrimental to yours.

[xcrunner]

In a few days, I'm going to be facing the "see the ex at work" situation. I think you did the right thing with not initiating any dialogue- not even "hello" or "how's it going?" You merely responded to his inquiry politely and distantly. I agree with how you handled it.

[ashblaize]

Thanks, xcrunner. good luck to you with your situation. to be honest, I really gave myself a good pep talk before I walked in there and stuck with staying in a good mood. I even found out something about him that upset me and just let it roll off and kept a smile on my face. When I was able to answer and then walk away, it felt really good, even though it still hurt like hell, if that makes sense. let me know how it goes with you.

[turnera]

Remember that you have the power.

[ashblaize]

Tonight I worked with him and it was a little easier to not talk to him. But I'm starting to get scared that my strict NC is going to make him angry with me or cause him to totally give up. I stupidly checked his Facebook page and saw that he had posted a video to a song called "Somebody That I Used To Know" tonight. I read the lyrics and they're really sad, but I have to say that the words could be spoken from either one of our perspectives. I don't know that he sees that. I have to work with him tomorrow and I just don't know what to do. We've only been NC for 4 days, so I know that I shouldn't break it. But how can I let him know that I haven't given up on him completely, I just think that we need time apart? Is there a way? Is there a reason? Do you think it will matter? Should I let him think that he's lost me completely? I just don't want him to give up because he thinks that I have. I want to reconcile. I just know that we can't right now. I'm really scared and worried. I don't want to mess this up. I really think that the stress of the holidays and other crappy life factors really played a major part in our falling out. I miss him so much. Any advice?

[turnera]

Treat him like you would treat any other coworker - with respect. You can't make him want you again. All you can do is think about what kind of partner he wants, and work on yourself in every way you can to become that person. Even if he doesn't choose you, you'll have improved yourself and you'll be in a better place mentally.

[ashblaize]

Thanks turnera. I've decided that I'm going to have to do a mix of LC at work and then NC when we're not around each other. I won't bring up the past, I want him to see the progress that I'm making. I've joined an AA group and i feel like the spiritual part of me that I never let exist is really carrying me right now. I am realizing my faults and taking action to remedy them, and not just because he or someone else tells me that these things are faults. I have really tried to break myself apart and figure out which puzzle piece got jammed into the wrong spot. Also, I started seeing a therapist to help with my anxiety, irritability and anger issues that I have been carrying around my whole life. I know he still cares about me. The one thing I keep thinking is about that song. Yes, I may be somebody that he used to know, but he's gonna meet version 2.0 and hopefully see what kind of person I truly am. Maybe we can eventually fall in love all over again, in a new relationship. Now that I have removed the poisons from my life and I've connected with my God, I feel better mentally and spiritually. This can only shine through as progress...

[ashblaize]

I guess I should've posted this in the 'Getting Back Together' section, I just realized. oops.

[turnera]

There's one thing you can try. If you go to link removed and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires (avoid their forums, they are toxic; you won't get much welcome there), you can ask him to fill them out...so you can see what you did wrong, right? Eat crow for a moment. Most people love to tell the other person what they did wrong. Anyway, if you find out what your Love Busters (things you do that annoy him) are, and what HIS Emotional Needs are (his tops needs in life). Once you know how you LB him, make sure you never do those LBs again. Once you know what his top ENs are, make sure you show him that you are capable of meeting those needs. That would go a long way to showing him you are a good bet. Also read the book those came from, His Needs Her Needs, to understand it better.

[daniel001]

Turnera - they are great posts. Thank you. I wish i'd know about the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires earlier.

 

Ashbliaze - i feel for you. i think you're doing the right thing. You need to focus on yourself, get yourself right then who knows what will happen. Best case is you'll be back and happy, worst case is you'll not be back but you'll be better and improved. Win / win situation. Still, this is so terribly hard i understand that completely. Good luck and keep on keeping on.

[ashblaize]

turnera, thanks for the link. too bad they don't have a section for same sex couples! also, this is something that I couldn't ask him to do any time soon for sure....

 

Daniel, thanks for your encouragement. I worked with him tonight and tried to stay calm and professional. We even had a laugh or two at some things that popped up during the shift. I'm pretty sure that he's talking to another guy from out of town, but I also think this is an old friend from high school or something and I could be totally assuming that there's anything going on there. I just kept my head up and trucked through. I'm home now and I'm trying not to reflect on the evening and analyze anything. I'm really trying to have no expectations for anything having to do with this relationship. only time will tell what happens and in the process, I can't wait to become ash version 2.0. thanks again to everyone for your kind words of support.

[ashblaize]

So, I thought I was okay, but I'm not. I found myself thinking about him all night last night and wondering what he was doing and what he's thinking and everything. This proves to me that breaking NC is the worst thing you can do. I have to re-initiate it today. I don't even know how to tell him, so I think I'm just going to do my own thing and act like he's not there when I see him at work today. I'm so confused and scared and I miss him so much.

 

I have an interview for a different job tomorrow. cross your fingers that it goes well. I think if I could get out of the same job as him, this would be so much easier... i'm hurting way too much right now and I don't want to feel this way anymore.... ugh.

[turnera]

If you know him well enough, you can try to fill out the questionnaires FOR him, to give you a better handle. But I agree you'll be better off in the long run to just work on yourself for now.

[ashblaize]

when I got to work today he was outside. last night, I saw that he updated his info on Instagram and added GIB (good in bed) to his info. i couldn't stop thinking about why and what it meant. I didn't sleep more than 3 hours and I decided that I can't do it anymore. I walked up and told him that I thought I could be friends, but I just can't right now because I'm still too invested. He said, "whatever makes it easier on you..." and then he went inside. throughout the shift, he was really cold to me and I was having a hard time holding back my emotions. I tried, but also, our coworkers have been acting weird toward me and everyone just LOVES him because they all think that he's such a good guy. They haven't dealt with his emotions. they're furious and out of control. I think that he's having a quarter life crisis and just needs to go out and be 25 and make epic mistakes. I just know how he is and his lack of self-control and I'm afraid he's going to make some really dangerous decisions. But I can't worry about that. I may be overly sensitive to how people were at work or it may also be because they know that I'm in AA and sobering up and they have less in common with me now or they're afraid of the mirror being help up to them. I think that's one reason why he's lashing out and partying a lot more now too. it's like the less I drink and drug, the more he's going to. I'm afraid it's gonna land him on his ass. Again, nothing I can do. It's just so hard. He's acting out in really strange ways and I can see that he's not taking care of himself and he seems anxious and scared all the time. I'm so sad today. I blocked him from facebook and all the other connections that we have online. I still hope that it's just a phase, but I'm afraid that I need to face fact and realize that there's a good chance we will never be together again. especially if he keeps on this track that he's on to destroying himself. god, my heart hurts so much. I can't express how devastated I am right now.

[ashblaize]

I don't even know if anyone's checking on this still but I am doing much better. I think I've entered that angry phase and I think it's a healthy thing for me right now. also, i got a second interview for a new job with a great company, so cross your fingers for me! I will be okay.