Being a perfectionist sucks.

[Cougar_20]

Ever since my recent breakup I've been trying to find answers to a lot of things in my life. One of the things that I could never really explain was the fact that at times I have low self esteem and feel down about myself. When I am able take a step back and look at the big picture, I have absolutely no reason at all to do so. I'm pretty good looking, have a lot of friends, and pretty much anything that I have ever put my mind to I have succeeded.

 

The thing that I have realized through all of this "soul searching" is that whenever I do even the smallest thing wrong it drives me crazy and brings me down more than it should. For example, I had a job interview last week. When I step back and look at the whole picture, I know that the interview went great. We sat their and talked for a while and he really seemed to like me. But there was one point during the interview when I kinda stumbled through a question. For the next two or three days all I could think about was how I screwed up everything because I muffed one question out of the many that I was asked.

 

Another example, I played college baseball all the way up to last year when my eligability ran out. There were very few games that I left feeling good about the way that I or my team played. I could have went 3 for 4, but if one of those at bats was a poor one, that is the only thing that would stick out in my mind.

 

I know that my problems are very petty compared to the problems of most of the people in the world, so I'm not looking for any kind of sympathy or anything, just maybe a little advice. Any good books or websites that deal with this subject? I need to learn to be more optimistic about things. It seems that I alway look at things in a negative way.

[mtastic]

Hi Cougar,

 

I know exactly what you mean, I do the same thing. I don't really know what to say to help help you, but know you're not alone in feeling like this. I know whenever I meet somebody new, if I think back to the conversation I will only ever concentrate on the negative side, how I may have screwed up the conversation so that person will never want to talk to me again, which of course is usually not true at all. I tend to blow lots of things out of proportion this way. Generally the only advice I ever get on this subject is to "look on the bright side," but you know as well as I do how hard it can be to do that. My best advice would be to try to work on your self esteem and coping skills. I reccomend seing a councilor, as they can help and offer advice on both of these topics.

 

Hope I helped,

mtastic

[georgie77889]

Yeah, you KNOW that you're not the only one. And when you see the big picture, it logically doesn't make sense because like you said, you seem to have some pretty great things in life.

 

I'm the same way. If you'd look at what I have, you'd say that I'm just like everybody else, and that I should be proud of what I have done. But I'm simply not. I'm negative and a perfectionist. I'm always competetive with myself. And I'm never happy with what I do. When I do mess up, it sits in my gut for days, and I end up feeling so miserable. And then it affects my outlook on everything else. At times, I think the perfectionist trait helps you out, because you always want to make more out of yourself. But most of the time, I think it just hurts us. We end up feeling guilty and not good enough.

 

I think people like us should look at everybody in this world as a whole and realize that we're all meant to CONSTANTLY make mistakes. There's no such things as being perfect... Your mistakes don't make you better or worse than anybody else. We just have to ease down our wrong doings and look at them from the outside, and realize that anybody else could have done the same thing, and have forgotten it in the next two hours, because it really won't matter in 5 years from now. So why do we have to put all this unecessary pressure on ourselves? It's in our attitude, which we have SOME control over.

 

Now, I wish I could just take this advice myself...

[NYCB]

check out "the anxiety and phobia workbook". you can get it at borders or something....it has great ideas for cognitive therapy to eliminate or at least reduce the compulsive demand to be a perfectionist. I am speaking from experience on this one- it's working.

[swedeace]

I was given the link for this thread, and I have read all the posts. I have a couple of things to contribute....

 

First off....

 

Cougar_20: I empathize with you so much. I understand what you mean about "not wanting any pity but are just looking for advice." I'm the same way with a thread I started about a similar "self-conscience" and "perfectionism" story.

 

If you have some time, please feel free to read the posts to get an idea of how I can relate with "making things perfect":

 

link removed

 

It seems that today I went to "visit" my friend in the same open computer lab I saw him on Monday. Today I brought some extra coins from Sweden that I've been meaning to put aside and give to him. I thought about offering him a "sugary break" (candy or soda) during my break so we can talk outside of the lab, since the lab is quiet. He couldn't take a break with me because he was working on some computer homework.

 

I felt I froze on saying it in a "perfect way" so it won't sound like I'm taking him away from his homework. I wanted to see if he had some time to get a snack and chit-chat for about 10-15 minutes or so. I kinda felt stupid after asking him and his polite refusal. I don't know, but I see two very close co-worker friends and how they seem to converge together and for chats and breaks easily.

 

Upon walking out and all through my drive home (I was about to get off work when I asked him), all that kept running through my brain was the negativity of how I "stupidly" brought it up in a seemingly selfish manner. I kept thinking about that brief convo.

 

But yeah, I know what you are trying to say. It's not an easy habit for us to break out of, but you're right.... We have to do it...

[Cougar_20]

Well it's good to see that there are others out there like me, well not that it's a good thing... but, um yeah, you know what I mean.

 

Thanks for the book suggestion NYCB, I think I might have to check it out.

 

Swedeance, I just read through your whole thread and it seems that you and I share some of the same problems.

 

One question that I would like to ask all of my fellow perfectionists out there 8), are you the first born child in your family? I'm just wondering because I read a book about how first born and only children tend to be perfectionists, which is what I am. That book did help me to at least understand why I am the way I am.

 

Being a perfectionist does have it's perks though, for example, I'm probably the most self motivated person that you will ever meet. Once I put my mind to something, I will get it done. But the one thing that I have realized is what is the point of being successful in everything that I do if I can't sit back and enjoy the benefits of success? Unless I do something 100% perfect, I'm not satisfied, and if I do feel satisfied, it usually isn't for long. Success does not equal happiness in my life.

 

I want to be a more optimistic person. I was at a friends wedding the other night and the mother of the bride was telling a story about how optimistic her daughter was. Her mother said that she would yell at her daughter all the time for making a mess in the house so one day her mother took her three daughters and drove by the most run down house in town. The windows were bashed out, weeds out of control, chipped paint everywhere, and the mother told the daughters that they were going to move into that house since they didn't know how to clean up. Two of the girls started to cry, but the other (the bride) smiled and said, well we can plant some flowers, do some painting, mow the yard, replace the windows, yada yada yada. How does someone become that optimistic about things? Just a stupid little story that I thought I would share. It kinda hit home with me for some reason.

 

When I am able to sit down and look at the big picture, I realize how lucky I am in life. I'd say I am more fortunant with what I have than 99% of the people in this world. Hell, more than half of the people in this world done even have good food to eat or a roof over their head. Yet the civilized people are the ones that seem to fall into deep depression. I blame it on the media, the media brainwashes us to believe in all the wrong things and it really pisses me off. I don't even watch TV anymore unless it's a sporting event, and even then I mute the commercials when I'm alone. We are all brainwashed in this country, I'm just pissed off that it took me so long to realize it. Discuss...

[mtastic]

Hi Cougar,

 

I am the first born in my family, I'd be interested to know what that has to do with my being a perfectionist, I'll look that up as well. What book did you read that in? What I find interesting about my self, is that in some areas of my life, I'm very perfectionist and exhibit quite a bit of OCD, but in other areas, things are completely disorganized. When ever something takes my interest, I try to learn everything I can about that subject. For instance, in my elementary and junior high days I was an major Star Trek and Star Wars geek, I never dressed up or anything, but I still know all manner of in depth trivia that the casual fan doesn't care about at all. I tend to get really rapped up in things like that. But at the same time, although i got decent grades in school, I wasn't until about a year and a half ago, when i finally started getting to make up my own schedule of courses I was actually interested in, that I really applied myself with the same effort level which i would put toward tracking down some obscure cd by some band you've never heard of(music in pretty much all its forms is my current interest/obsession). I know that has more to do with it than just perfectionism, but i was wondering if any of you had noticed similar trends in yourself.

 

It always seems like in both social and acedemic situations, I hold myself to very high standards, and beat myself up when I don't feel i've lived up to them. I don't know about you guys, but that period between taking a test and getting the grade for it are always hell on me, no matter how hard i study, i'm always convinced I could have studied more, and always dread whatever grade i'm gonna get, whan more often than not it is a good grade. i alos find i assume the blame for everything that goes wrong in my life. Like the one relationship I ever had, when she broke up with me, without ever really giving me a good reason, i took me almost two months before i could even entertain the idea that it wasn't entirely my fault.

 

I think optimism is something i need to work on too, i just want to feel good about myself, and something i've done. To that end I also want to be confident in my ability to meet those standards, so that I can actually do something with out worrying about befor, after and during what ever it is I'm doing.

 

Sorry, that kind of turned into a rant. Thoses are just my thoughts on the perfectionist post, and the confidence ossues we probobly also have in common to some degree.

 

mtastic

[Cougar_20]

The book is called "The New Birth Order Book" by Dr. Kevin Leman. It talks a lot about how the oldest in the family tends to be a perfectionist for several reasons. I highly recommend this book. It was almost scary how right he was about the way I am just from knowing that I am the first born child.

[mtastic]

Thanks, cougar, I will check it out.

 

mtastic