Boyfriend Material vs Friends

[Dougie_D]

Hey girls...can you please elaborate? Do you have any EARLY idea of who you want to be as a boyfriend and just friends? If so, what are the circumstances?

[shotinthedark]

I'm not a girl... but I can certainly elaborate.

 

If a girl tells you she 'just wants to be friends' it means she's not interested in dating you. PERIOD. Which is atleast some closure, because she could also just totally ignore you.

 

Generally, a woman will have an early idea when she meets you whether your boyfriend material or not, based on looks, confidence, attitude, the way you carry yourself. If you ever her the 'f' word, get the hell out. Unless you enjoy having your heart strings played with.

[blueidealist24]

It's just a feeling that I get, or not. It doesn't always have to do with looks. Sometimes I'll think a guy's attractive but I won't be 'feeling it' with them. Contrary to what a lot of other girls say, sometimes that can change over time for me. I'm slow to warm up to people at times and people can 'grow on me.' But I'm not really the typical girl in that sense, I don't think.

[carbon]

For me, it's pretty simple. It goes back to that elusive chemistry. When I first meet someone, I either feel it or don't. It's a combination of looks, whether we connect well conversationally, whether we get each other's humor and personality, and whether I find the guy interesting. Essentially, there needs to be a spark...but that's not something either of us could fake or "work on." It's just there or not. Also, confidence (but not cockiness) goes a long way. Someone mentioned that they take some time to warm up to a person. That's not the case for me -- just to throw another opinion into the mix.

[Alezia]

I agree with the above posters. There is not a specific set of criteria that makes someone fall into either category. The best indicator would obviously be 'chemistry' and 'lifestyle compatibility'. For the most part, I can't always judge on lifestyle compatibility precisely on that first meet, but you can generally get a good stereotypical indicator by asking about work, travels, and interests. If someone talks to me about making pilgrim trips to India several times a year, while very cool, would probably make me think our lifestyles may clash quite a bit. Other things like attending AA, religious, political, family views etc... mentions that would be at complete odd with me would also fall into that. While I may be attracted to someone and want to date them, my head say 'perhaps this is not such a good idea, and it better not get emotionally invested in this person as it will not work out'.

 

The chemistry aspect is more elusive. I have a 'type' of guy I prefer, but I am not opposed to venturing outside of that type. I am usually not attracted to passive guys and need some level of intellectualism - I would think that holds true for most women. I usually like someone who can keep up with my silliness, sarcastic banter, energy and crazy ideas; but also bring me down to earth and calm me when it the time is appropriate. I don't like guys that agree with everything I say to please me (and most likely just get into my pants) - it's fine if they genuinely agree. I usually test guys who overly agree with some outlandish statement such as "I love to have sex with gnomes", and if they just say "oh yes, me too" instead of challenging me or turning it into a joke or at least expanding on the idea - I would consider this guy boring and most likely not have any chemistry with him. Definitely someone who has some career aspirations (whatever that they choose), and that shows some visible progress towards it. I'm pretty hard to please

 

I've had a few people grow on me in a school or work setting (2-3 individuals), but for the most part I can judge chemistry right away.

[Superfreak]

For what it's worth (and what I say isn't always worth that much).

 

When my initial meeting with the girl is more of a "I'm a guy, you're a girl - I'm talking to you because I'm attracted to you" kind of vibe (which is given off when I approach a random girl in a bar, or meet someone off an online dating site possibly) then it's my impression the girl judges me as boyfriend material.

 

When I meet a girl and it's just a friendly thing (at work, at school, at a friends party) - then it always seems like I get friendzoned.

 

This is one reason that unlike most of the population, I don't get any dates from meeting friends of friends or through work/school. I just do not for the life of me understand how to get someone within my social circle attracted to me when they only have known me as a guy being friendly to them. Yet I can get interest from girls I just met outside my social circle.

[MoggieGirl]

It's chemistry and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I actually mean it when I say I like someone as a friend because I enjoy having platonic friends of both sexes but that's me. It seems a lot of people say they want to be "friends" to soften the rejection but then based on their actions they're not really your "friend." For me that hurts even more than if someone is just not romantically interested.

 

Guys seem to have more trouble being "friends" with women. So I guess if you can't handle it get out, but if you can handle it, friends are nice to have.

[Dougie_D]

I understand the whole "chemistry" thing but can girls really "feel it" within just random small talk? Or just getting to know someone a little better? I mean, what's the purpose of a date if a girl already knows if it's going to work out or not? Isn't that pretty rude on the girls part? We all know what a guys intentions are. All the guy friends that a woman have in her life is because of the men's choice to still stick around and accept nothing else, if both parties have agreed to just be friends. If a guy is still around and no mutual agreement about friends have been said, then the girl need to let the dude know. Seriously...stop taking advantage of the nice guys.

 

So, I mean...what's the window of opportunity for the guy to "create chemistry" with the girl? The very first minutes of communication? One date and nothing more?

 

I think it will benefit ALL parties if we established a code of ethics. "If more than two dates have occurred, there'll be a romantic relationship between the two parties"

[carbon]

I understand the whole "chemistry" thing but can girls really "feel it" within just random small talk?

 

Yes. It really takes only a few minutes of conversation. We either feel that chemistry or we don't. There have been studies done on this. I'm not saying we decide whether we want a relationship within those few minutes, but we know whether we could ever consider dating him, based on whether that chemistry is there. Again, it's not really something either person can "work on." Either it's there or it's not. Hence, the phrase "elusive chemistry." Of course, there are girls who say they take time to warm up, but I've never understood that and it's never been that way for me.

 

I mean, what's the purpose of a date if a girl already knows if it's going to work out or not? Isn't that pretty rude on the girls part?

 

Usually a girl will agree to a date if she is interested and thinks there is potential for a relationship. The purpose of dating is to get to know the person more and explore those feelings. Whether that dating period turns into a fully committed relationship depends on how the dating goes. The same is true from a guy's perspective; he is also assessing the girl.

 

If a guy is still around and no mutual agreement about friends have been said, then the girl need to let the dude know. Seriously...stop taking advantage of the nice guys.

 

I don't mean to be insensitive but, no, it is the guy's responsibility to be honest with himself whether he was interested in just friendship or more. If he's interested in dating the girl, he has to man up and ask her out. It's not really fair for the girl when you pretend to want friendship but secretly want more. She sees it as a friendship because that's how the relationship started.

 

So, I mean...what's the window of opportunity for the guy to "create chemistry" with the girl? The very first minutes of communication? One date and nothing more?

 

Chemistry cannot be created; either it is there or it is not. I don't really know how to explain it.

[MoggieGirl]

Sometimes chemistry develops over time and isn't instant. A girl might focus on the superficial and think she's not attracted to him and that can change when she actually starts talking to him and finding out more about him. And then he becomes attractive to her. That said, you shouldn't waste much time on a girl who isn't interested. So I think it's fair to allow 3 dates. This gives the girl a long enough chance to get to know him and the guy a short enough time to move on if nothing happens. Guys, if you don't even get a kiss by the third date it's time to move on. When there is a connection it doesn't take long, it happens quickly.

[wsim]

This is an interesting read. It would vary greatly from person to person, but it is all of a matter of whether the other party is "feeling it" or not. After all, it takes two to tango. Honestly, I've only been able to make friends with women and nothing more, so either I am not attractive enough when it comes to personality, meeting the wrong people or doing something else wrong. I have asked girls out before but have only been turned down or they simply aren't interested in going on a date with me. My biggest regret is not dating in my high school and university years (Not from a lack of trying though), as this could have been significant to learning more about myself and social development. It never happened, unfortunately. I'm still completely clueless when it comes to anything related to dating/relationships and courting women.

 

Hopefully, 2012 will be the breakthrough year. My time is now.

[Alezia]

As the other posters mentioned, the rules you are looking for are unwritten but already out there. They are just not what you 'want' them to be.

 

A girl will always assume friendship at first contact, if you are just making small talk with her. If you are being overtly flirtatious and physical with her, then she will be forced to respond explicitly to you - which can either be a verbal rejection, flirting back or physical. If the person is just giving you back small talk and only small talk when you are explicit, it's either because you aren't explicit enough - or she's not interested in more (but you aren't so painfully annoying with the signals to outright reject).

People don't usually tell you whether they are interested or not if there is no explicit interest made. It would look really self-conceited and arrogant to tell people that you aren't into them when you first meet. That's assuming everyone is interested in you. I was the only female in my program - that would have been a really sad world if I had just kept to myself all this time because guys might get the 'wrong impression'.

 

I also agree by the fact that if there is no kiss after 2-3 dates, there is no real interest. If it's someone you have known for a while, I would even go to say the first date - but nowadays there is more online dating and blind dates. No pecks or shy bull * * * * , give that strong french kiss.

 

As the others said, it's usually there or not. The dating is more to see if we are compatible with the person long-term, it isn't to lead a person on because we 'already know'.

[Dougie_D]

Well, this thread is good. That gives both parties the specific window of opportunity. For me, I don't get much interest from females that often, so when a girl AGREES to hang out with me, I feel really special and it makes me feel like she is actually interested and INTO me.

 

I agree that girls will always consider a friendship when meeting a guy, but HONESTLY, girls can't ignore the fact that a guy is talking to them because they want to have something more.

 

So, that's the reason why I believe girls need to be more upfront about it.

 

About the KISSING part on a 2nd or 3rd date. I'm a very reserved guy who's never KISSED. I'm not really gutsy to go after it. My question is... should it just be a KISS? Would the girl make the move if she REALLY wanted to? I can imagine some girls would be saying in their mind "kiss me! kiss me!"

[MoggieGirl]

Dude! You never kissed? What's up with that??? You need to go for it!!! At the end of a date if you want to kiss her just do it. It doesn't matter if it's the first date or the second. Don't even ask her, just do it. And don't force it, just try to kiss her. You'll find out real fast how interested she is and you won't waste any time!

 

I don't know how you do it, go through life never been kissed. You're missing out on the greatest pleasure of life next to sex!

 

And yes, if I really like someone I'll kiss him.

[Dougie_D]

Do women really VALUE a kiss? I know women and men that have told me that kissing wasn't really a big deal. Plus, I've seen this happen before: There is a KISS on the first date and then the second date the guy goes for another kiss but she backs off. That's NOT cool at all.

 

Also, I have ASKED that I could a kiss a girl. Most of them will tell me the truth and let me know upfront...but then some girls would totally try not to answer. Those girls mess me up. They act all cool, but when I mention something they act like it never came out of my mouth. What the hell am I suppose to do then??? (sometimes it's been through TEXTING or ONLINE)

[Alezia]

I wouldn't believe they ignore that the fact that a guy may be interested in more, they just put it to the back of their minds unless he makes it obvious.

 

A girl that is really interested when you first meet her will not be purely as passive as you make her to be. She will probably not be the one to initiate a kiss nor explicitly state any interest, but she will reciprocate flirting or light touching if the guy has not done so. This assumes that the guy is not boring, cold or stoic. Some girls are very aggressive, and won't be shy about making the first move (think cougars); while at the other end of the spectrum, you might get girls that are very inexperienced and will even be hesitant after you pulled all the moves. Generally though, most women won't just randomly jump on you unless she knows she won't get rejected.

 

While there is a window of opportunity for the acknowledgement of interest (the initial interested or not interested), there are also situations where interest is not expressed due to other external factors ex: already in a relationship, not ready for a relationship etc... I think it is possible for both sides to hold consistent interest without anything ever developing into something more. If you have made the move into dating though, it is too late to go back to that latent interest.

[Alezia]

Do women really VALUE a kiss? I know women and men that have told me that kissing wasn't really a big deal. Plus, I've seen this happen before: There is a KISS on the first date and then the second date the guy goes for another kiss but she backs off. That's NOT cool at all.

 

To me, it is pretty important - I obviously can't speak for everyone. A lot of girls judge on that first kiss though, so just keep that in mind. If the said girl doesn't, then all the power to you.

 

If the girl draws back for a the second kiss, then I would either expect that something is off - no chemistry, bad kisser etc... It doesn't look too promising at that point in time, unless it's because she discovered a cold sore. To me, it's a really big indicator of how things are doing and where they are going.

[Alezia]

I don't personally enjoy having a guy ask me if he can kiss me. If it's at the point where he needs to ask, or make an explicit statement - it is because the chemistry and the situation isn't right. Usually you can sort of dive into it without thinking. Perhaps it is expected in some cultures, but definitely not up here in Canada.

 

If they ignore you, that means no - they are just not comfortable enough with themselves to reject you and feel bad about it.

[MoggieGirl]

Do women really VALUE a kiss? I know women and men that have told me that kissing wasn't really a big deal. Plus, I've seen this happen before: There is a KISS on the first date and then the second date the guy goes for another kiss but she backs off. That's NOT cool at all.

 

I don't know what kind of girls you have been talking to but every girl who has a romantic bone in her body does indeed value a kiss. Kisses are the heart of romance and glorified in hollywood movies and romance novels and are the introduction to sexual chemistry. The kiss is where you can really confirm the chemistry. In fact I would say after the kiss (or the attempt of a kiss) is when you pretty much know whether or not to continue. And for every girl who has a crush on someone, what do you think she's dreaming about all day??? AT LEAST KISSING HIM!!! Yes, a kiss is a very big deal and women DO place a very high value on it. I know I do!

[supernova125]

I don't mean to take this in another direction but when it comes to kissing from a women's point of view, does the type of kiss mean something.

For example a kiss on the cheek, kiss on the lips or french kiss. I'm just asking because a crush kissed me and it was a french kiss. I was not expecting that.

[Dougie_D]

they are just not comfortable enough with themselves to reject you and feel bad about it

 

What does that mean? She can't tell me she just would rather be friends? That's the reason why I feel mislead all the time. Girls value the friendship and rather not telling me, knowingly that it may hurt my ego, confidence, feelings, etc... they never tell the truth and give some other excuse or just ignore the fact.

[Batya33]

Hey girls...can you please elaborate? Do you have any EARLY idea of who you want to be as a boyfriend and just friends? If so, what are the circumstances?

 

When I was dating I knew based on who I found attractive (typically combo of personality plus looks) and whether we had compatible life goals and values. Almost all of the dating I did was to find a husband with whom to have a family so because of my clarity I was able to select people who seemed to want the same things.

[Alezia]

What does that mean? She can't tell me she just would rather be friends? That's the reason why I feel mislead all the time. Girls value the friendship and rather not telling me, knowingly that it may hurt my ego, confidence, feelings, etc... they never tell the truth and give some other excuse or just ignore the fact.

 

Yes, that's exactly what it means. It's more of a reflection of herself being immature than anything that has to do with you. If you can't get any answer out of a girl, I'd just assume the negative. Some just also like the attention, but I usually would assume someone being nice and immature, than purposely stringing you along.

[Dougie_D]

I like a girl that's blunt and fast. I am pretty straight forward with my intentions with girls. I may not ACT that aggressively, but I assume that if I'm putting myself out there to ask a girl on a date, she knows what's up.

 

I really am the type that only makes contact with a girl if I'm interested at all. I've been more of the pesky persistent guy recently (I wasn't like that all, I was more of a single try and see what happens kinda deal)...so if a girl doesn't want that, she has to tell me to stop.

[Alezia]

The persistent approach can be rather dangerous if you are not straight forward enough. I remember your earlier threads about asking a girl "to chill with a 6 pack". To me that doesn't sound anything like a date. Girls can also not guess whether you make contact with girls you have only interest in.

 

If a girl declines or ignores you, and you keep persisting - in her mind, she will think - it's obvious that I'm not interested, at least I made it clear. While on the other hand, you will keep persisting. Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.