Been pushed a few steps back

[Fill]

Today I was pushed back into sad and depressing feelings about my ex again. It all started last night when a good friend of mine invited me to go clubbing with him. He was going with a girl who called him up. Since I barely had any sleep Friday night and I had to work all Saturday, I turned him down. I'm really glad I didn't go last night.

 

This afternoon I hang out with the same group of friends that went to the club last night and they told me they saw my ex there too. When I first heard this I was relieved I didn't go because it has been a month since she broke it off with me and I've been doing NC ever since. After that he told me she was not only dancing, but freaking (dancing closely with your back towards the guys front, more of like a sexual kind of way of dancing) with another guy. That really sunk my heart. When I first heard this, my mind kept giving me visuals of her freaking with other guys. I know we're not together anymore, but when I heard that I felt so angry and jealous. I wanted to break something, just go nuts, but I controlled myself. After hearing that, I just wanted to be alone and crawl into my bed, but I was obligated to hang out with my friends. Once they went home, I went to this place at the beach to sit, think, and reflect on things.

 

While I was sitting at the beach thinking, I rememebered that she went clubbing very often this year when we were still together. I never liked the fact that she went to clubs while we dated because I was insecure and worried that guys might hit on her. Now that I think about it she did tell me she danced with other guys. I'd get jealous when she told me about it, but I kinda understood that clubs are the types of places where she might meet other guys and dance and drink with them. But after what my friends told me, I wonder if she was "freaking" with other guys, getting close to them and letting them touch her. Back when we were together, I remember going to this one party and this girl asked me to dance. I didn't want to be mean and reject her so I went and danced with her, but I felt totally guilty doing that because I knew I had a girlfriend and it seemed like a sign of disrespect for me to go out dance with another girl. After dancing with her, I felt so bad. I ended up telling my ex that I danced with another girl and she was a little upset about it back then. Even recently, I went to a club a few weeks ago with some friends, but I couldn't dance with anybody because I still felt guilty because I'm not over my ex yet.

 

After a half an hour of sitting and dwelling in my thoughts, I realized that I miss the person she once was. The person she was when we first started dating. Back then she wasn't into partying too much. She was much more settled, but I'd never imagine her being up in a club freaking with other guys, letting other guys buy her drinks and getting her drunk. Back then she was the one who made me stop smoking weed and drinking, but now she's out there drinking and doing those same things that she once didn't want me to do. Before she wasn't the type of girl who would flirt or dance really close with other guys. Even before she said she wouldn't even dance all freaky with me. I respected that in her, but now hearing all this has really got me thinking about things. It's got me thinking about the last 6 months of our relationship when she started going clubbing and I'm thinking how many guys has she danced with. I even asked her before if she was freaking other guys in the club, but she would say not, but now I don't if she was honestly telling the truth. Now I'm just sad thinking about a lot of things.

[sphinx999]

This may sound a little harsh, but maybe it is best that it is over. I agree with the freaking being wrong but girls do get bought drink just by lads who want to be mates with them. You need to be more confident in your self and seem to have unresolved issues with her. Did you ever confront her about the clubbing?

Maybe if you worte an email to her saying your emtions and how you felt wronged, but didn't send it it would help you get over her. Just to see it on paper.

[rich46]

Hi Fill,

 

Reading your posts really does freak me out at times, as it is like reading something that I've wrote. I'm not exaggerating either, I can literally relate to every word you wrote. The fact that you still live near her makes me feel for you even more, as I can only imagine what that must be like. What I will say is...why are your friends telling you about what she is doing? If I were you, I'd casually tell them not to mention her again as it still hurts and you are trying to move on. They should understand...

 

I miss the person that she once was too. When I met her at the start of University, she was so quiet and didn't have any friends at all. In fact, she was on the verge of dropping out as the people who lived with her were ignoring her, and would make fun of her behind her back. Well I saw something in her that I liked and I took a chance, and over the next 3 years we did everything together - not quite 'us against the world' but something along those lines.

 

As you know, the last 6 months of our relationship were tough for me because she had started meeting new friends, and was clubbing a lot with one particular friend. Reading your post reminded me of one occasion where she told me she had been "dirty dancing" in the club with a guy from her work. This obviously pissed me off, but she just laughed it off as this guy was no oil painting and it was plain that he had a crush on my ex. That didn't help though, and I became more and more insecure - but she seemed completely blind to how this may hurt me??? I mean, I was her boyfriend afterall, but living 100 miles away I could do absolutely nothing about it. For sure, she had changed.

 

I'll be honest with you, I think she would have done some of this "freaking" with other guys while she was still going out with you. It is things like this that will have got her thinking, as she will have loved all the attention from other guys. Same with my ex. I was her first boyfriend due to the fact that she was always so quiet (as Iwas but not to the same extent), but all these people suddenly cracking onto her made her wonder what else is out there. Maybe there is something 'better?' Obviously I'm biased and I don't think there is ! Only joking, maybe she will meet someone else who makes her more happy, but then again maybe I will too...

 

One day she will get bored of the whole clubbing scene. I did that before I went to University when I was 17/18 and after a while it lost the excitement. For me anyway. Unfortunately she never had this 'phase' and so she wants to get it out of her system now while she's still young, just like your ex. The sad truth is, we can't do anything about it.

 

All I would say is try not to be angry or bitter at the way she treated you during the last few months of your relationship. There's no point really. I went through that phase a couple of weeks after the break up, and the bad feelings do still come back once in a while. But I feel relieved in a strange way that it is over. I have done a lot of thinking over the past couple of months, and although I get really lonely and miss her like mad at times, I think I would prefer to feel like this than I did during the final stages of our relationship. It used to eat me up inside knowing that she was out clubbing 100 miles away, dancing with other guys, being chatted up etc - while I was at home, alone with my thoughts.

 

If you hadn't broke up with her, you would be in a similar position still and it would be even worse. At least this way, you know that if she ever comes back to you then this phase will be out of her system and you can start afresh. If she doesn't, then you've done the right thing by letting her go her own way. It is one of the hardest things in the world to accept something like this, as we are completely powerless. I'm guessing your ex and mine, well they feel free at last after being in a relationship for so long. How long will this last? I can't say, but I'm not waiting around, and putting myself through the added pain of talking to her, wondering which guy she got off with the previous night...

 

Also, it's natural to feel like you can't chat up/dance/talk to other girls without feeling guilty. As you know, I feel exactly the same. It's just the different mindset of the dumper and dumpee, and the different feelings that have been created. We feel rejected, they feel free. It keeps me going to think that one day these feelings will swap, as I know that I have become stronger recently because of this. She hasn't had to deal with all these feelings, so if/when she ever regrets her decision, I hope that I have moved on and she'll have to live with it for the rest of her life...

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[light bulb]

My ex did the same crap. I think it's something that some girls in their mid 20's go through. Sucks for us though.

[Fill]

It's weird because one of my friends didn't want to tell because he believed that "ignorance is bliss" and "what you don't know won't kill you", but another one did because he said that I should know about these things. So when they were debating over whether or not I should have known these things, a part of me agreed with both of them. I know I don't want to know things about my ex, but when I do hear certain things, it makes me want to find out more. It makes me want to put pieces to the puzzle. I was relieved that I didn't go that night because if I saw that, I would have been crushed seeing her in another man's arms. Another friend of mine told me I should have went and did the same things with other girls, maybe to make her jealous or show her that I moved on, but I know I couldn't have done that. I know I'd feel guilty. Right now I wish I lived 100 miles away from her. Being in the position I am, I know I have a good chance into bumping into her somewhere. It's a reason why I don't want to go clubbing. I've been invited by friends many times, but a part of me knows that I may see her there, just like I almost did the other night if I went. But knowing all these things she did it makes me feel like I don't want her back if she were to get over this phase and wanted to be back together again.

 

Sphinx, I don't think I have unresolved issues with her. When we were dating I told her that it bugged me when she went clubbing, but she just brushed what I said off. She would say she didn't go too often, but in the last month of our relationship she went every weekend and then come back to me like everything was great while I was stuck at home being sad and thinking a lot of thoughts. She probably felt a bit of guilt when she did go clubbing knowing that I didn't like it too much, which probably led her to tell me she wanted to be single and not have any priorities, responsabilities, and committments so she could go off clubbing and be with all these guys. I would love to be more confident right now, but after she broke up with me it shattered my self-esteem, but I've been slowly regaining it back day by day. It's just hearing these things that makes me wanna run away and be alone. I know the day I regain my confidence back is the day I'm healed and totally over her.