Dating someone after a long relationship

[LTS48]

Just wondering if any of you fine people might have a tip or suggestion as to how best to take dating someone who has recently (5-6 months) gotten out of a very long term relationship (8 years).

 

She has tried dating before me, it never seemed to work out for one reason or another. My past experiences have me very wary of a situation like this, so I have literally been taking things at a snail's pace and surprisingly things have gone well so far. She has the occasional breakdown when she gets caught up in the ex, but he has tried to contact her etc. and she has refused his advances so I feel pretty okay when she's hurting. I do my best to take a step back and just listen to her, something she apparently appreciates.

 

For where I am right now in my life, slower is definitely better...but I definitely do not want to be wasting my time. We are both semi-young (23-24) so we have a lot going on outside of each other but the fact of the matter is that I'm happier with her in my life, and she seems happier with me in hers.

 

Proceed as normal? Proceed as normal albeit slower? What would you do if you were me?

[BrianH46]

Oh man... you are in a very tricky relationship. The very best thing you can do is to remain as attractive and independent (meaning voiding bringing negativity into the relationship and remaining a challenge) avoid any jealous impulses you may get when you see her emotional over the ex, this will just push her away and increase the chance of her going back to him. Do not give out ultimatums such as its me or him however make it clear that you are not comfortable with him being in contact with her. Comfort her when she's down about him but remain confident and don't let it get to you. Lastly do not fall for her until the ex is clearly out of her life, avoid saying I love you and telling her how much you love her and whatnot (I know this is counter intuitive but you don't want her jumping from one love to another). Good luck man guard your heart.

[Ms Darcy]

When you really want someone you get selfish.

 

If she's having breakdowns from contact with her ex, she's not ready to date. Period. You can choose to try to see that from her perspective and back off or you can get burned again.

 

I say this from experience friend.

[LTS48]

When you really want someone you get selfish.

 

If she's having breakdowns from contact with her ex, she's not ready to date. Period. You can choose to try to see that from her perspective and back off or you can get burned again.

 

I say this from experience friend.

 

This is about the sum of my experience as well Darcy, so I will press you a little bit. I'm very familiar with the steps of breaking up with someone (hell, my experiences with each one were written all over this forum not long ago.) And you're right, a random text from the ex definitely sends her into a spiral.

 

She has a lot of the qualities I'm looking for, and its very difficult for me to meet people at the moment as I'm in grad school (professional career) and the time commitment is just staggering at times. Part of me looks at this with guarded optimism. I definitely look back at what I've been through in the past and all I've learned from it, in fact I usually take a few seconds to imagine myself if she just chose to end it for one reason or another and it never gets me down.

 

I took 8 months after my last relationship and did a lot of work. She is well in to that journey herself but at a point I can still vividly remember.

 

If you were me Darcy, would you simply end things? I've made it a point not to discuss any sort of relationship. We kiss and we know that we like each other and that's as serious as its gotten.