Some advice/questions for the shy people out there

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

If you want skip to the end. But please read "THE OTHER PROBLEM" this is very important for the shy people.

 

 

QUESTIONS:

1)Are your parents divorced/separated? At what age?

2)What is your conception of yourself? Do you find yourself attractive?

3)What do you think makes you shy?

 

 

(What was) MY PROBLEM:

 

I'm a recovering shy person. I am 25 and was shy for most of my adolescent life, I had maybe 2 gfs and only had been on a handful of dates by the time I was 24. Before my ex, my longest relationship was one week.

 

I never though of myself very attractive. Actually girls in Junior High school found me more attractive than I did. This is where I actually got dates. In HS I had prospects but not a single date. (Boy it hurts to say this , and the SAME thing happened in College (one date and nothing else). This fact combined with societies pressure to no longer be a virgin caused me to look for women anywhere. I went online to meet girls (I guess because it's easier to talk to them) and had sex with 3 girls I met online (the first one when I was 21).

 

What caused all this? Well I think it stems from the relationship I had with my parent and my Mother's raising of me. My parents were divorced when I was six years old. My mother did most of the raising of us although I did see my Dad on some of the weekends and Tuesdays. I was also the eldest and had one brother with who I fought with a lot (this will come into play later). My Mother didn't have a lot of money and had fashion sense from her native Nicaragua (I'm half Hispanic/half white). Because of this I didn't dress well and NEVER knew what do do with my hair until college. I had a very low sense of self-esteem. Despite this fact some girls in JH actually came on to me after making some dress/hair changes in my 9th grade (which goes to show that the looks where there somewhere).

 

So my shyness (and emotionality) stemmed from, and was perpetuated by, my early childhood.

 

THE CURE:

 

In college I started to break away from childhood habits and although I didn't ask any women out for dates (I can still remember HORRIBLE blind date experiences), I began to become more and more self aware of myself. But it wasn't until getting over a girl that I fell for in college, traveling to Europe and Mexico, going to grad school, and realizing that girls really do like me, but are not the ones to ask guys out, that I truly started to change. I was more and more outgoing. A couple of months ago I asked out a girl after talking to her for 5 minutes. And I see girls check me out all the time, so there's a lot to be said about confidence.

 

THE OTHER PROBLEM:

 

Something you shy people may not be aware of, and depending on your age, if you are not dating much and starting relationships when you're in HS/college you will start your first relationship with the mentally of a person in his/her first relationship. This means you will COMPLETELY lack the maturity/experience that is buit from dating people.

 

I got involved with my ex a year or so ago. Everything was great at first because I was smitten. But after the honeymoon phase wore off I treated her like she was my brother (with whom I argued with all the time). I thought I knew what people meant by communication in a relationship. "Of course we have good communication," I told myself. But good relationship communication is the kind discussed in books like "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."

 

This would of gone on for years without me changing, but luckily her ex begged for her back and she didn't have an emotional attachment with me so she left me after 4.5 months. Even more luckily, such strong psychological trauma ("hitting bottom") was powerful enough to put a mirror in front of me and make me realize why I was shy (my parents divorce), why I was immature in my first real relationship (lack of experience from being shy and not dating), why I argue so much (relationship with mother/brother), and why I am more emotional than most men (raised by my mother mostly). Luckily she didn't leave me for these reasons 5 years down the road. Luckily I was able to learn at an accelerated rate and change many things about myself, from relationship communication to etiquette to dressing properly to being more mature financially, socially (being punctual), and with my career. So make sure you understand all this or your first relationship may end up badly

 

Good Luck.

[kizzyfur]

QUESTIONS:

1)Are your parents divorced/separated? At what age?

2)What is your conception of yourself? Do you find yourself attractive?

3)What do you think makes you shy?

ANSWERS:

1)no, still together after 32 years (married for 30)

2)low self-esteem... only on very rare occasions do I think I'm attractive

3)society saying that all women should look like Barbie

 

Never dated in high school nor college. Had my first real boyfriend at the age of 27. That only lasted 6 months. The only reason I'm with my current BF is because "knowing" he was unavailable made it easier to be myself around him. Little over a year with him now.

 

I am shy when it comes to "attractive" people in general. I now suffer from social anxiety. I don't even like to go shopping unless it's like 3:00 in the morning when most everyone else is asleep.

[Batman2004]

ANSWERS:

1) No, they are still married after 21 years

2) A mix of low self esteem and self confidence, I look at myself in the mirror and I say yes I am but its tough when you are compared with others around you.

3) Having no self confidence...was told by a person I looked up to that I'm a loser..I was told this on several occasions though I stood up for myself but it wears one down afterwile...

 

I nvr dated in HS and have yet to in college..I've been on one study date though if that counts but the girl turned out to be taken already...

 

I am shy when it comes to girls that I like alot I mean I don't have a problem talking to people but asking a girl out is just where I feel I won't succeed because of being told I'm pathetic all the time..I don't care to go out to clubs/bars cause I would prefer to date a sober person not a drunk.

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

Well maybe #1 doesn't have any correlation. I did find one source which talks about "divorced parents and shyness

 

64.233.167.104/search?q=cache 1unr8DjX28J 2520Impact%2520of%2520Divorce%2520on%2520Children.htm+shyness+%22divorced+parents%22&hl=en

 

But then again, it may just be that children of divorced parents are more likely to be shy. Don't know.

 

Thanks for your responses guys.

[scaryperson]

1/ parents were never married, split up when i was around 3/4, and they lived together some time after, i remember both

 

2/ I hate the way i look, friends and older people say i'm pretty

 

3/ People in school teasing me, my only friend when i was little betrayed me.

[dont_know_what_2_say]

[ShySoul]

1. Divorced last year when I was 20 and they were around 60, after 25 years of marriage. Have been shy a long before that so there's no connection there.

 

2. Nice guy, smart, caring, sensitive.... Yes, I think I'm attractive. I've got a good heart and care about people which is the most attractive thing about someone. Physically, I look how I look and that's that. I'm not a model and I'm not deformed, I just look like me. If people find that attractive good, if not then too bad.

 

3. Just my nature. I was born a shy soul and that's part of who I am. I tend to think differently then most people and don't generally like the things mainstream culture likes, so that makes it difficult at times to get to know people.

[chanceit]

1) Still together

2) Nice / Attractive

3) People when i was in school(s) being nasty over a long time.

 

The funny thing is that you can meet me now and not think i'm shy initially because i am quite a confident person - shy people can be confident. I think shyness is more about trust - i don't trust anyone very much as people have screwed me over a number of times - and trust is where you have the confidence to talk about things that interest you or are important to you without worrying about people being nasty about you. just a few of my thoughts...

[jurupa]

1)My parents divorced when I was 16 and it was something that needed to happen trust me.

2)I think I am average looking, but other think I am good looking.

3)I think it is mostly my height that makes me shy.

 

I am also like ShySoul. I was born as a shy person and think differently than most people.

[I_KicKed_keNNedy]

1) Parents separated when I was 9, but they got back together. Probably woulda been better if they didn't. They're psychotic.

 

2) Sometimes I think I look snazzy, other times I feel like a skinny dweeb. Depends on my moods.

 

3) I've had a lot of opportunities that I've missed because of insecurity. But insecurity has made me smarter. Like take this thread for instance, I know full well that this is a coddle thread. People won't read any one else's posts very closely, rather, they'll skim through them and quickly post their own little sob story like I had done, hoping in vain for a pat on the shoulder. They will notice mine however because I'm going to talk in caps: THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO ME! BUT THEY DON'T CARE. THEY SACRIFICE MY SELF-CONCEPT FOR THEIR OWN SELFISH DESIRES! I HATE THEM!!!

 

See? Now I sound more pitiful than the rest of you.

[jurupa]

lol

[dont_know_what_2_say]

^ what he/she said. lol oh * pats I_KicKed_keNNedy's shoulder*

[toggle]

1) Still together after around 30+ years.

 

2) I personally think im ugly, ppl say im attractive, even people on this website!

 

3) I was bullied all through school, people calling me ugly, loser, pathetic Ect (list goes on) so after a while i think sub consiucly i am belieing this, this is what is making me nervous as i worry what people are thinking abuot me. Plus ive neva had a girlffrind but i have had loads of girls asking me out (in the past 2 months, 3 girls have asked me in the street for my mobile number ) But i want a stable relationship. I also dont go out clubs and things, like someone else mentioned..i want a relationship, not a fling

[koolaidnovel]

1)My parents were divorced when I was eight years old.

 

2)I have normal self esteem, I used to think I was unattractive, but when I dramatically changed my looks around the beginning of high school, and guys started approaching me, I realized I looked okay .. haha but I'm totally not conceited...

 

3)I personally really don't know exactly what it is that makes me shy...i think it's partly genetics (I've always been this way) and also failed friendships...people talking trash about me later after we weren't friends anymore. I'm more afraid of what people will think of what I say or do than how I look when I approach them...I don't know where this stems from...