Extremely unreasonable mother...

[Keska56]

Hi everyone,

 

This is very lengthy read so if anybody bothers to read it I will greatly appreciate your time.

 

I'm having a major problem in my life that centres around my mother. I'm not sure if this is the correct category for it but it also has a lot to do with my boyfriend as well.

 

I am a 21 year old woman who currently resides with my mother. I study full time and contribute my share of house maintenance and the like so please do not automatically assume I am taking advantage of free living opportunities as I am not. Far from it, actually.

 

I am currently not working as I have quit my last job and am looking for a new one. My Mum works an average working day five days a week. She always asks me to pay for her overdue bills which I do straight away without question. Except this is getting out of hand now and she is starting to ask me to pay for all of her bills as soon as she gets them in the mail. I use the money I had saved up from my last job to accomplish this and now I am starting to run low which is why I need to find another job fast. She makes a good amount in her job but for some reason never pays for anything anymore. I have no idea where her money goes. I saw a bank statement she got recently (with her permission) and the amount she has in her account is quite low. She is a smoker and has no qualms over spending a decent amount on her cigarettes every week which irks me as she NEVER bothers to do the groceries either. I'm always the one having to do this.

 

I also had to pay for her car repairs twice (both times went over $1000) as well as the plumbing for the house which went well over $1000. Just recently I had to use the money I had saved up for my upcoming dental surgery so that I could pay for her sister's operation overseas. It was over $1500. I understand that her sister needed the money so I am not too bothered about that. What bothers me the most is that my Mum told them that SHE was the one who paid for it. My aunt cannot understand English so if I tried to tell her it was me she would not get it.

 

My little sister moved out a while ago to live with her dad because every night her and Mum would argue about pointless matters to the point it stressed my sister out too much. She doesn't even like spending the night here anymore because our Mum would guilt-trip her into moving back in.

 

Our house sometimes embarrasses me. I am the only one who bothers to clean it. Because my studies demand a lot of my time, it's usually on weekends when I can spend more time doing my best to neaten it up. When I manage to get it all spick and span, it is immediately messed up as soon as Mum gets home from work. She tosses all of her tupperware, utensils and drink holders from lunch into the sink and will let them pile up for days if I am not here to take care of it. She bought a couple of lorikeets and I always have to clean up their mess. They are very messy eaters and the laundry where she keeps them has their food EVERYWHERE. I had to move everything out so I could disinfect and hose the room down yesterday. I found maggots in the cat food since she always piles new food on top of the old stuff without getting rid of it. Disgusting. I can't even trust her to look after my cat if I am away for a little while. She smokes in front of her birds all the time and thinks that it is fine. Our backyard is full of cigarette butts and rubbish that just builds up again after I clean it. I have to pay for all of our yard maintenance.

 

She never cooks dinner anymore and just spends hours and hours on her mobile phone in the living room. Either she watches YouTube videos (she is fond of playing annoying songs on repeat) or she talks to her family overseas for hours. Guess who has to pay the phone bill.

 

If I bring up the fact that I need her to cut down on phone conversations and other things, she will argue with me. When I say argue, I mean she hardly let me get a single word in. Then she proceeds to accuse ME of starting the argument. I always try to talk to her nicely but no. It never works. I have tried everything from sitting her down and talking to her face to face and explaining that the things she does are hurtful and that I am concerned for her, to just walking away from arguments as I am not a conflict-loving person. She absolutely refuses speaking to a counsellor or something so any suggestions to do that will be pointless.

 

My father passed away some years ago. He was a recovered alcoholic. I never used to drink alcohol but I found earlier this year that I do enjoy certain drinks in small amounts. I rarely get drunk. Very rarely (probably once or twice). And when I do, it is never ever in her presence and I am not violent in any way (I tend to laugh more and talk a bit louder). Yet whenever she sees me near any alcohol she will jump to conclusions.

 

"Oh, you're always getting drunk! You're going to end up like your father."

 

I never drink alone. I always have a glass with my boyfriend and what we drink isn't even strong. I hate it when she compares me to my father because I am in no way abusing alcohol. When I bring up that she should stop smoking she guilt-trips me with: "Oh but you're always drinking." NO. I HATE IT. It is a LIE because I don't drink much at all and she just does not believe me when I say that. I am regretting even touching alcohol now because she will always use it against me even if I stop. She will hold on to the fact that I've already had a taste of it so therefore I "must be addicted now forever."

 

She hit me and threw me out into the rain during my final year of high school because of a misunderstanding. She blamed me for something I did not do. When I tell her this now, she claims I hit her instead. I moved to a friend's house for three months after she hit me so I could study for my exams in peace. I suffered a mental breakdown anyway because whenever I called her she would upset me over the phone. She never showed up for my graduation, going so far as to tell everybody I never invited her. I had placed two tickets for it inside an expensive birthday present I left for her when she wasn't home. (I still had the keys to the house and left the gift on the table). She still claims I never invited her. I was the only student who didn't get a photo with my family as a graduation memento.

 

When I moved back in, she hated my friend with a passion and resented me even mentioning her name. That hurts me as it wasn't my friend's fault.

 

My Mum is a very lazy person and won't help herself. It is frustrating having to be the one who fulfills all of the house duties. Sure, she works. But where the hell does her money go when I'm the one having to pay for EVERYTHING? I may as well be owning the house myself and she be the live-in.

 

The other major problem is her reaction towards my boyfriend. She says she likes him to me, but whenever he comes over she completely ignores him, saying: "If he wants me to talk to him, he should say hello first as I own this house." But he does say hello first. She complains she is always tired to talk yets stays up past 4am most nights. She gets jealous I go out for dinner with him even when I bring her favourite dish home for her to enjoy. She yelled at me once when I asked if she was okay. All she does is stare at her mobile phone for hours on the couch or in her bed. She complains she can't even have a shower if he's over because it's a hassle. * * * .

 

It pains me because he is the loveliest guy I've met in my life. I was afraid to be in a relationship for years after being hurt but he completely changed that. He is so understanding and loving and always knows how to make me feel better. He is so empathetic whenever he sees me sad. He cannot be happy until he sees me with a genuine smile on my face again. He even gets teary knowing that I'm hurting inside. We've been together for just over 10 months but have chosen to wait before having sex until a bit later. Not once has he ever pressured me into it. Not once. Tonight I asked Mum if it was okay if he spent the night tomorrow because him and I were going to a friend's place for a movie night and it would be easier for him instead of travelling back and forth from his place to pick me up as he lives an hour away. I have my own car but Mum hates the idea of me driving near Christmas for some reason. I cannot argue with her as she guilt-trips me extensively.

 

When I brought up if he could stay over, she blurts out: "Do you both want to get married? What do you plan on doing with your life?!"

 

I asked her why she suddenly said that. Her reply was: "You both already sleep with each other in the same bed. What the hell do you do over at his place when you stay there for two weeks sometimes?"

 

This is not true. I have never stayed there for more than one week at a time and very seldom at that. She goes on to say that she feels uncomfortable with me having sex in her house even though I have never done such a thing?!

 

She always brings up this: "If your dad was alive now he wouldn't be happy with what you were doing."

 

Dad always told me he wanted me to find a man who could make me happy. Now that I've done that, Mum goes on to say that he would have been ashamed of me. I don't understand.

 

And on her birthday I took the time to buy her nice presents and wanted to take her out to lunch somewhere. She got into an argument with me in the car about petrol (she started it and to this day I have no idea why). The argument escalated (mostly on her account) to the point that she refused point blank to get out of the car when I wanted her to get out so we could walk to the restaurant. I spent half an hour trying to reassure her that I don't want to argue with her. She couldn't let it go and said I would embarrass her in front of everyone. I drove all the way home again. She sarcastically said: "Oh, thanks for the lunch." What the hell.

 

On my 21st birthday I, by chance, fell very ill with the flu. I was bedridden. Mum said she would finish work early and spend time with me. She finished work late. Not because she had to work overtime. No, it was because she wanted to go to her friend's place for a smoke and chat for several hours. I was left alone in a dark house, too weak to even get up and switch on the light. Eventually she returned home with her friend in tow and a cheap, slightly squashed store-bought cake that was in a flavour she knew I didn't like (she admitted there were other flavours there but she was "in a hurry") and a scratchy lottery ticket from the newsagency. She forced me to get up and blow out my candles. When I was too weak to get up (I managed, but it took a while) she complained I was too slow and to hurry up so they could eat. She ended up giving most of my cake to her friend to take home after telling me to go back to bed so they could smoke outside.

 

Tonight (well, last night as it is early morning here now) she told me to my face: "You're a mess in my life." Me, the one who pays all of her bills without hesitation and doesn't demand she pay me back by a certain time. Me, who spends more time with my sister taking her out than our own mother has. Me, who put thought into buying her and my sister Christmas gifts every year when the most she can do is slap a bit of money into a card because she can't be bothered looking for a gift. Me, who pays for all of her car and house services, groceries and other bills such as for the vet/doctor/insurance, etc. Me, who is the only one who cooks and cleans the house.

 

She argues that all that I do now doesn't even begin to pay back a quarter of the care she gave me as a baby. I was a planned pregnancy, she should have been prepared to take on the obligations of looking after a child. She is using that against me? To make me feel guilty?! Is that normal? How else would I have been able to take care of myself as a baby? Not that I am ungrateful, but she never offered me emotional support at ALL growing up. I was sexually abused. She said I was to blame. Whenever I was bullied at school, she scolded me instead of listening to my problems. She said I was too weak.

 

Some of you may be wondering why the hell I am still living under the same roof as this woman.

 

It's because she was diagnosed with severe hypertension this year. Bordering on stage 3. I have always feared that one day I will face the reality of her dying from a stroke or a heart attack. This fear was instigated after my father had passed away in his sleep from cerebral haemorrhaging. He wasn't found until a few days later when the neighbour (who he trusted enough to give the spare key to his house to as they were good friends), found him in his room after being concerned after not seeing my Dad water his plants for a while. It was an activity he loved doing every day but one day he was absent from his garden. And the next day. And so on. That was when I got the call from the police saying he had been found dead. My heart broke that afternoon.

 

I don't want to get another phone call like that in my life.

 

Even though Mum treats me like a nobody, I still love her as my mother. I stayed with her for hours by her bedside in hospital when I had to take her there after her GP said she needed to go. Urgently. Her blood pressure had raised dangerously high and it was a medical emergency. I ignored the urges to eat or drink or even use the toilet just so I could stay by her side as the hours crawled by. She won't take care of herself even after a doctor advised her to change her lifestyle. I encourage her by trying to get her to eat healthy and exercise. She won't. She eats copious amounts of Chinese takeaway and smokes several times daily. She drinks a lot of coffee. She stays up ridiculously late. She doesn't eat at the right time. She stresses over stupid things like me "having sex" when I have never even done that. I am still a virgin because I want to wait.

 

I tell her this, and she snaps at me to stop starting arguments with her.

 

 

I'm so stressed now. My hair is falling out, my sleeping patterns are erratic, my attention span drifts in and out and I can't concentrate. I break out a lot and my appetite is decreasing. I find it hard to even cry anymore. I get stressed over tiny things because those things just add to the mountain of stress I am already feeling.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I want to move out badly but haven't because of her health affliction. I know that sounds selfish of me but there is only so much I can take before I end up destroying myself.

 

Please help. I understand I have typed way too much but even this doesn't encapsulate everything I want to talk about.

 

I just need somebody to tell me what to do with this situation. Please. I'm at a loss. Everything I've tried is pointless.

[camus154]

I'll be honest with you. I didn't read anything close to your entire OP because I didn't need to.

 

The simple answer is, you need to move out as soon as you can. Do your best to find a job (and don't ever quit one unless you have another lined up) and then get the hell out of there.

[DylanNotorious]

Haha! I didn't read it either, and I thought the same thing. Move out of your mother's house.

 

Would that not be the most simplist choice?

[Keska56]

I have my reasons for not moving out sooner. That was stated near the bottom but I assume you didn't see it. She is severely hypertensive and my father died from a stroke in his sleep and was not found until days afterwards. I always worry that the same thing will happen to her when I am not there as the possibility is very real. I would have moved out sooner otherwise. Her health problems are the main thing keeping me with her because I am worried.

[camus154]

I have my reasons for not moving out sooner. That was stated near the bottom but I assume you didn't see it. She is severely hypertensive and my father died from a stroke in his sleep and was not found until days afterwards. I always worry that the same thing will happen to her when I am not there as the possibility is very real. I would have moved out sooner otherwise. Her health problems are the main thing keeping me with her because I am worried.

 

The health reasons, IMHO, don't matter. Your mom isn't your father, and hypertension wouldn't be enough to make me stay in a hellish situation.

[DylanNotorious]

I have my reasons for not moving out sooner. That was stated near the bottom but I assume you didn't see it. She is severely hypertensive and my father died from a stroke in his sleep and was not found until days afterwards. I always worry that the same thing will happen to her when I am not there as the possibility is very real. I would have moved out sooner otherwise. Her health problems are the main thing keeping me with her because I am worried.

 

Yes that's understandable - but she's using you. You need to tell her to stop it, that you will help her out as best you can, but you won't be tolerating being used for your money. Stand up for yourself or threaten her with moving out. I don't see any other choices.

[Keska56]

I didn't come to this forum to be laughed at. The solution to my problem is not as simple as you may assume. But thanks for your time anyway.

[Keska56]

Ah, my apologies, I didn't see your new post. I have tried everything you have suggested but if this carries on I will take that last step and just leave I suppose.

[Wistful]

You need to get out of there or you're going to turn into her.

I understand her health issues might scare you to death, but you can still visit her and help her from a distance.

Maybe when she doesn't have you as her maid anymore, she'll pick herself up.

Either that, or her house will become do nasty that authorities can get involved.

[Keska56]

I suppose. But if you were in the same situation you would probably think a bit differently. It's hard to completely relate to something on the internet, I understand. As much as she treats me negatively, I don't want her to die. I have no other family outside of her that I know of apart from my 12 year old sister. (Mum's family overseas hardly know me and can't speak English well at all my father was adopted and I can't trace his real family). Sorry if I sound a bit pathetic but it's hard to explain.

[Keska56]

You need to get out of there or you're going to turn into her.

I understand her health issues might scare you to death, but you can still visit her and help her from a distance.

Maybe when she doesn't have you as her maid anymore, she'll pick herself up.

Either that, or her house will become do nasty that authorities can get involved.

 

Good idea. Thank you for your suggestion. It will take a while to get used to it though as she does careless things like fall asleep whilst leaving the stove on during those rare moments she does bother to cook (like after midnight). She is both lazy and careless of her actions. If her health problems don't kill her, her negligence will. It's so frustrating.

[camus154]

Do you want to move out or not?

 

You wrote a virtual novel belaboring all the reasons why you can't stand living there, and yet now you seem to defend why you should stay when people advise you to leave.

[Wistful]

Nah, you don't need to explain. I think I know what you're talking about - ever since I was young, I've had this worry that someone close to me will die. Sometimes I just cry and cry (I did this last night actually) thinking and worrying about it. My boyfriend gets so flustered and doesn't know what to do with me when it happens, lol. Its even worse since I live 1000 miles away from my family right now.

 

I think that once you take that first step and leave, you will start to be able to deal with it. You might want to think about seeing a counselor or something just to help you out.

[2 trusting]

I read your whole thread and its a heartbreaking situation to be in. I understand what its like to be in a bad living situation and being made to feel not good enough when you clearly go above and beyond! Moving out isn't as easy an option as most would like to think, especially when your mother os draining you of your self esteem, finances and energy. Your mother is a very sick manipulative woman. I think counseling would be a really good place for you to start. Talking to someone on a professional level about your situation will help u a lot. Hopefully it will give you the strength to take the steps you need to which include moving out. I believe you can get it through your school, or have it offered to you because of your schooling. Finding a job would be a good start so you can be more able financially to get out of there. You need to sit down with her in the mean time and go over bills..explain you don't mind helping out while your there but you can't afford the lions share of the bills nor should you have to. See if you can figure out a certain amount you help monthly and stick to that. You are obviously a very mature loving kid and yoyr Mother is too stuck on her issues to realize it. Good luck hon

[figur]

I think you are enabling her behavior. Why should she ever change if you never demand that she treats you better? You may try to ask, but you apparently break every time...and continue with the bill paying, grocery shopping, cleaning...

 

She has absolutely no reason to change at this point. She is being babied and feels like she deserves it.

 

You have every right to worry about her life and health. It's obvious you still love her, but honestly if you leave her house and something happens to her IT WILL NOT BE YOUR FAULT. Keep an eye on her, visit regularly even if she acts ridiculous, but stop paying bills, stop enabling her childishness, and move on for yourself.

[Anthony01]

Assuming that you decide to stay for a while, this is what I would do in your situation.

 

1 - Set aside a specific percentage (say, 20%) of your pay that you will give your mom each month, and stick to that. Don't involve yourself with her overspending, as that could put your own future at risk. Instead, lead by example by managing your own finances well.

 

2 - If you mom makes a mess, don't clean it up. Clean up after yourself and do what you can to keep things tidy, but limit yourself to that. Just like your finances, you are not responsible for her mess.

 

3 - If you mom starts yelling at you, don't argue. Tell her that you will talk to her calmly, but you won't accept yelling. Simply leave for a while if you must, until she's calmer.

 

4 - For your mom's health, you can't be there at all times. No one can. Instead, take measures that would help in case of an emergency, such as putting your number on speed dial. You can also call her every morning to see how she's doing. But ultimately, no one of us know when our number comes up. Take all the precuations you can, but there are some things that can happen regardless as to what you do (or do not do), due to factors beyond your control.

 

5 - Help your mom as best you can, but never to the point where it prevents you from living. Up until now, you have given up too much of your life force for her, to the point that you are putting your own future in jeopardy. Instead, try to achieve a balance.

 

I sincerely hope this helps you.

[abitbroken]

Your mom is able bodied, as she is working. She is not so ill that she cannot. MANY people have high blood pressure and they live long lives if they manage it correctly. Sometimes it is inherited and sometimes it is brought on by weight gain, etc. I understand that you don't want to move because of this, but your mom will be fine. I didn't walk away from an abusive marriage because i was worried about his health - but you know what, he is still most definitely alive after it ended. The only thing different is that I am not being abused anymore. If she can't pay her bills because she doesn't manage her money well, she will learn very quickly. She will either lose the place and end up in a less expensive place, be the type to go find a boyfriend or get a roommate.

[Pnt8rshs]

Man o man, i read your post and to be frank, the reason that I even logged on is supremely the SAME reason that you just spelled out. The only difference is that I'm 1) older and 2) my bf is putting his foot down on my mom's "stuff" and won't help ME in the least deal with it. And by "deal with it" I mean, he is down right REFUSING to help my mom bring a large gift basket from her apt. down to her car.

 

My mom, while our stories are similar, is very much the same. My mom does not BERATE me, ever. However, I DO pay many of her bills. She is sick (but not too sick to work, and she doesnt), she has heart disease but could do something. And my bf thinks she uses me.

 

My mom has severe depression and is how she is b/c of years of ........ poverty.

 

My bf doesn't understand one bit and refuses.

 

I don't live with my mom --- I moved out. But again, I'm older than you. It took me to 25. You're young. You have years to realize. But better now than later.

I suggest you start looking. For real.

 

BUT, that doesn't mean her behaviour changes. Only your reaction can.

 

I'm here, at 32 years old, still wondering what to do.

 

 

 

Merry Christmas.