when will this end?

[stevef20]

Where do I start.... I sit here sobbing as I write this, a broken man, I can't remember when I last smiled or even cared about much at all, I feel dead inside, still.

It's been a year now since she left me, a year since we snuggled infront of the fire wrapping presents and getting excited about Christmas, a year since we exchanged contracts on our forever home and a year since she looked into my eyes and held me, this is so So difficult, I cant see the keyboard through my tears.

Do you ever sit thinking to yourself and hope that the forthcoming night is your last? I do, everynight for months and months, I've tried everyrhing, hell I've even given advice to others and tried to help, there are those of you that will quote NC at me, its been 8 months, there are those that will say get out, work, hit the gym, find new hobbies etc etc and for that I am grateful, truth is though that I really have lost my one, my soulmate, my bestfriend, my lover, she has taken my heart.

I hope that everyone of you suffering right a now a quick transition through this hell, for those of you in my boat take care and know you're not alone x

[Purusha]

Aww bless you - your post really moved me. I do hope you start to feel better, takes time to mend a broken heart, don't rush it - takes as long as it takes.

 

Take care of yourself in the meantime, things will get better xx

[stevef20]

Thankyou x

[jonesyjakk]

Ahhhh steve. I was so sad to read this. I'm so sorry you still hurt so much.

[BrianH46]

I've looked through your other posts and man I have to say one year is too long to still be feeling like this. I know your pain I just broke NC a few days ago and my heart is hurting like crazy. However the girl that breaks your heart and leaves you feeling so horrible can't possibly be your soulmate. Drop those thoughts, kick her ass off the pedestal, and move on with your life. Goodluck man, pull yourself out of this slump and cut her out of your thoughts

[stevef20]

Brian, I try everyday and occasionally its works, thankyou though.

 

Jonesyjakk, I thankyou too, it's a been a long time, I hope you're well

[Day88]

Mate I really feel for you, you sound like a man that has tried his upmost to get through and mean really try. I've just read through a few of your posts.

 

I do wish you all the best buddy, this time of year is the worst, I keep thinkning about how different life was this time last year.

 

Anyway take care mate.

[stevef20]

You too Day, I can hear your hurt and so really appreciate you stopping by.

 

Good luck my friend

[TessaB]

Steve, I'm so sorry about the way you are feeling. It is sad to know these things can last this long, and being only 2 months in and feeling the exact same way, I can't think and I hope with all of my heart (what's left of it) that I don't feel that way that long. But, it's a process for everyone. I get it, I feel the same way, but apparently I was wrong, he wasn't the one, I wasn't what he wanted and I will never be. It makes me shake to even write that, but it has to be true. And, I have to convince myself that it is true because it is the only way I will move on and heal. The time of year doesn't help at all. But, this is life and you have to keep going, being your best and making the best of it. Because you only get one of these lives and you are way too important of a person to let that pass by.

 

I'm sorry I haven't read your back story (I will go do that...), have you tried talking to a therapist or anything?

[jonesyjakk]

Here for you steve, I remember the chats we used to have mate, I really feel your pain. I am very sorry you are still going through this. What have you been doing to try and move forward?

[stevef20]

You name it jonesy, done the lot I think, just love her still, ill keep going, after all I've made it this far.

[Flyingpiglet]

Hey stevef, you can't rush these things.... Unfortunately it sounds like you're in for the long haul. I haven't read your back story, but can feel your pain through this thread.

Any holiday season, and particularly this one, is the toughest time for anybody who is longing for someone who is no longer there. You have made it this far as you say, and you will make it all the way I'm sure! You seem to have a strength of character about you that I don't see too often (all that from reading just this post hey )

You need to take her off that pedestal buddy, she isn't your soul mate. Your soul mate would not have done this to you. I only wish I could tell you how to successfully practice what I preach. I really do hope you feel better soon, try and make the New Year the year where you help yourself. and if you need help in the form of therapy or whatever else. don't ever be afraid to ask for it!

[stevef20]

Thankyou flying, I didn't list it on my 1st message but I had therapy for 8 months

 

Thankyou again though, I hope you're ok.

[Flyingpiglet]

Hey, maybe you need to go back and do somemore therapy. The more you internalise all these feelings the more they will eat away at you.

Were you completely open and honest during therapy? I know it's sometime difficult to completely open up and get everything out there.

You can move on... You can mend from this and, in time, find someone who can love and care about someone as deeply as you seem to. But until you let yourself move on, you will be stuck on this neverending carousel of pain. Be kind to yourself. Recognise that you deserve better. There's only you that can take away from her the power to break you!

[stevef20]

I was very honest flying, that's all I've ever been, I don't have the strength to go through that again.

[stevef20]

I wish I could sleep, its been nearly 48 hours now and my eyes are so sore is this really worth it???

[jonesyjakk]

Hey man, I heard a very interesting thing earlier. You will already know it, deep down inside. But I want you to really think about it. That was, all the feelings you have towards her, it's like drinking a poison, and expecting someone else to die. Just really think about that phrase for a while, and what it means. Always here buddy.

[stevef20]

I've had enough mate, a whole year of hell, sometimes the answer is to simply give in

[jonesyjakk]

I know mate, a year for me too. It was the 2nd of dec. I promised myself on that day not to talk about her to anyone on that day, and I din't, I vented here but that was it. I would suggest you set some goals steve. And really stick to them.

 

I would start by saying anything you have that reminds you of her, get rid of it.

Do not talk about her to anyone, unless they ask you, and then make it your goal to change the suubject asap

When you find yourself thinking of her, tell yourself out loud, that was my past, i'm focused on the future, say out loud and a hundread times a day if you have to

 

Tell yourself everyday, even if it's just once, it's over, and I am moving forward, say out loud, first thing when you get up

It's all in your head mate, I know, I have been there, I used to live making scenarios up in my head, about getting back together, what I will do when I see her, I used to tell myself I hate her, I love her, I miss her, I want her back and I would make all sorts of fantasies in my mind.

 

It's all in your head mate, I'm telling you. SHE GONE, IT'S OVER, LIFE IS TRULY BEAUTIFUL!

 

Have you ever seen swingers mate? Watch it, I watched it like twice a day for about 6 weeks about 2 months ago and it helped. You gotta start making steps, positive thinking, tell yourself....this is in my head, i do not want to think about this anymore! Stop drinking the posion steve, nobody else will suffer, only you. Keep telling yourself that over and over and over.

 

I had a real bad time at the one year mark, a few days really hurt. I feel your pain, I feel it mate, I been there and it's hell, the pits of hell. She ain't coming up, and you are not helping yourself bro. I assume you are here for help, you want to sort your head out, time has come steve. Step up, take my hand, take all our hands, we are all reaching down to you to help pull you up. Make the first step, take my hand and come stand with me, the view is stunning. Unfortunatelty mate, I can't force you to take my hand, you gotta want to take it. Once you let it go........ohhhhhh man, the world is beautiful!

[Liraele]

(hugs)

 

That's all.

[adarkplace]

i just read this and cant say how sorry I am Steve. Even though I am new to this site I cant imagine what you are going through (well I can to some extent as I am 2.5weeks out of a breakup and its been one if not the worst experience Ive had to go through).

 

There is nothing I can really say to help but know this...you are not alone in this. Many people have been where you are, and many more will be in the future. But you and they will all come through it EVENTUALLY. I hardly post here but the way you typed really resonated with me.

 

I dont know if this suggestion has at all been tried or will help but I went through a breakup a couple of years ago which was pretty damn painful and I left the country alone soon after to try and get some distance from the whole thing. I decided to go to a place with a totally different culture, outlook, scenery and people so I went to Japan. And the one time I found some inner calmness was when I went trekking through the forest and found a waterfall with no people around -pure isolation. I stared at the waterfall and just calmed my mind and something at that point, i dont know why, helped. As Im going through this awful experience right now (which is FAR worse than that breakup was as I was going to propose early next year) that is a place I go to in my mind sometimes when the anxiety gets too bad.

 

So my suggestion is a trip somewhere to connect with nature or something that speaks to you. Be it mountains, be it a beach, be it a forest somewhere (this is especially true if you live in a metropolis). Maybe at some point you will have that ephiphany you have been waiting for.

 

I really think you will pull through this, and we are all here to help

[stevef20]

Thankyou so much for stopping by adarkplace, I really appreciate your words especially given where you are yourself, I have thought about just going away many times but truth be told it makes me worse being alone, I just miss her more. You know, I now believe after a full 12 months of being single that this is simply a case of me finding my true love albeit one sided. Thanks again.

[stevef20]

Jonesy, you are a very special person, one full of love, kindness and a caring heart. I am here for help but equally I know your pain Si please allow others to help you too.

[InnercityX]

Things happen for a reason man, they really do. A year ago I split with a girl I really loved, mainly because I wanted a different type of girl to her. Anyway, she got a new boyfriend within a month, and I was devastated, but you know what man, that happened for a reason. Because of that, I couldn't get back with her, and was forced to stay single, but do you know what happened? A girl I knew for about 5 years, she was my exact ideal type of girl, and I always told myself I would marry someone like her. I never in a million years thought she would like me, but one day a few months ago, she did.

 

Anyway I met this girl, and guess what? I couldn't stand her, I actually did not like her in the slightest. The girl I thought that was everything I look for in a girl, was a whole different story altogether. As a result of my breakup and meeting this girl, I truly know exactly what kind of girl I want now. Had my ex girlfriend not got a new boyfriend, we probably would have got back together, and I would never have found out my true self, and I would have gone through life always thinking I can do better with my more ideal type of girl, when in reality, that is not the case at all.

 

See this as this is happening so something great can happen. Life is just one huge mathematical equation man, remember that.

[stevef20]

Thankyou inner, I sure hope you're right, anytime soon would be nice though because I'm really hurting.

I'm glad you found what you were looking for in yourself