Guys, would it turn you off if a girl said this to you?

[Cynder]

If you had been seeing a girl for a few months, and she said "I'm not jealous 99% of the time. As for that other 1%, I'm only human." Would this be a huge turn off or would you just appreciate her honesty?

 

Now, since the circumstances play a huge factor in this... It was me who said it. And here's why I said it.

 

This guy I'm dating is from Texas originally. And we were at a party where a mutual friend of ours was talking about this other female friend of hers who was coming later. And she was like "You're from Texas and so is she."

 

Then a little later, this girl from Texas calls, and our friend hands my guy the phone. I could hear his side of the conversation. He was being flirty with her, but no more flirty then he is with most women. She was saying she's coming to the party later on after she gets off work.

 

Well, I can't stay late since I have to be up at 4am. So I knew by the time she got there I would be long gone. I joke around with my guy like this all the time. So I said "So are you gonna hook up with that chick from Texas later after I leave?" And I laughed when I said it. Believe me, this kind of thing is common with us. There was no hostility when I said it, and no accusations were being made. But I think he thought I was being serious, because he said, with a serious look and a serious tone "No, it's not going to be like that. It will just be cool to meet someone else from Texas."

 

I told him I was only messing with him, then I said the above statement. He didn't really react when I said that... I told him once again that I was just being funny. And he said "I knew you were." and then added "Hell, I hoped you were just being funny."

 

Keep in mind earlier in the night we were joking around about going out to a yuppy bar so he can find a rich cougar and I can find a sugar daddy and then neither one of us will have to work and we can just live it up.

 

I know when I'm having these conversations that I am going to regret them later... I know I'm going to spend the whole next day thinking about what an ass I made of myself. But yet when they are happening I can't just hit my off switch. This is going to bug me and bug me and bug me until I see him again and I know for sure that everything is ok.

 

I should point out that there wasn't any kind of tention between us the rest of the night. He grabbed me and took me out on the dancefloor a couple times. We danced really close like we always do. He was being affectionate the rest of the night like he normally is. He walked me home like usual. He was his kind, sweet self.

 

Not to mention... I am a little jealous of this girl from Texas. She has something in common with him that I don't... But I realize its a stupid thing to be jealous about. I can't believe I admitted it to him.

 

Any thoughts...?

[Fudgie]

Is this the guy that you are seeing but you two have decided not to call it a relationship and haven't established boundaries?

[Cynder]

Is this the guy that you are seeing but you two have decided not to call it a relationship and haven't established boundaries?

 

Yea. And I understand that I have no right to feel any kind of jealousy at all. But having no right to feel a certain way doesn't always stop us from feeling a certain way. I know he's not mine to be jealous over. But that doesn't mean the animal instinct in me isn't going to feel a little (for lack of a better word) threatened, when someone else comes along.

 

And I know he has had similar feelings toward me. He has expressed them in ways that were just as subtle.

 

Idk... I thought maybe he might want to know I feel that way, especially since he feels that way. I saw his jealous side last week for the first time. It's human nature.

[RedDress]

Not being judgemental or anything... but I think that this is precisely the reason why not defining a relationship gets really confusing. I think that his perception of what you said is going to depend entirely on his intentions for your relationship which you have chosen not to define.

 

If his intentions are just to date casually and he basically plans to find someone else to eventually settle down with, he may perceive your obvious jealousy (and I think it really was obvious) as suffocating. The more you talk about it and the more you try to justify how "ok" you are with him seeing other people (and you really aren't. At least - not this girl)... well... he may see through this and be turned off.

 

Or not. Maybe he will appreciate the honesty and be experienced enough in "casual" relationships to realize this is normal.

 

If his intentions are to date casually but maybe hopefully settle down with YOU... this could turn him off for another set of reasons. The jealousy indicates you care. Your words indicate that you don't. He may not want to hear that you don't care.

 

I dunno. It all seems so contrived to me. You have feelings for him and a sense of jealousy. But... you try to hide that so that he doesn't get turned off. Why can't you just be yourself? If you have to hide who you are, your feelings, your emotions from someone (anyone) are they really even a friend? And yet... you are sleeping with this person.

 

Personally, I think the limbo state is the worst of each world. At least as a single person, you can be with whomever you want and there are genuinely no feelings anywhere being hurt. And at least as a couple you can express your feelings. But the limbo state? You are living in a constant state of insecurity.

 

By definition, since you haven't really defined anything... I think he can take it any which way he wants. Flip a coin. Sorry... :S

[DylanNotorious]

"So are you gonna hook up with that chick from Texas later after I leave?"

 

Depends if you say things of this nature a lot. Then I'd be turned off. If it was just said that one time, that night - then no not really. But do you say things like this to him frequently?

[bulletproof]

I'm slightly confused. You admitted to being jealous after all was said and done. So that means that the original "joking" had a grain of truth.

 

For me personally (although I am not a guy), it would really bother me if this was a common way of joking. It just sounds insecure and somewhat self-deprecating. Regarding the comment that you started the tread about, I would almost feel like the person saying it was protesting too much. If you want more with him, and are feeling insecure and jealous, then say so. If you feel like you're being unreasonable, then let it go.

[Fudgie]

You're right Cynder, feeling jealous as a result of a lack of boundaries and miscommunication DOES happen. That's why people define relationships and boundaries in the first place, to have this dialogue, know the boundaries, and minimize hurt feelings.

 

If a relationship was established, you guys could talk about these things before they happen and you wouldn't feel the way you do.

[Cynder]

I'm not sleeping with him. I don't know how much that makes a difference here, but I figured I should point it out.

 

There was some truth to what I said, I'll admit it. There is truth in most sarcasm really. Last week he was getting jealous over me talking to some other guy about philosophy. He straight out told me he was jealous.

 

Also last week I was with him at a friend's house and the friend got in a huge shouting match with his wife while we were there. He looked at me and said "I hope we have a better thing then they do." then he paused for a minute and was like "Oops, did I really just say that."

 

So... it really is hard telling what he wants out of this. He knows I care, I've told him. We have talked about how we feel about each other even if there is no label.

[Cynder]

"So are you gonna hook up with that chick from Texas later after I leave?"

 

Depends if you say things of this nature a lot. Then I'd be turned off. If it was just said that one time, that night - then no not really. But do you say things like this to him frequently?

 

No, not often. In fact last night was the first time I've said anything like that.

[Cynder]

You're right Cynder, feeling jealous as a result of a lack of boundaries and miscommunication DOES happen. That's why people define relationships and boundaries in the first place, to have this dialogue, know the boundaries, and minimize hurt feelings.

 

If a relationship was established, you guys could talk about these things before they happen and you wouldn't feel the way you do.

 

Not defining it wasn't just my choice, it was his too. I'm only saying that because it seems like people replying to this thread think it's my decision and mine alone to not define anything.

 

Honestly, if he told me he wanted a relationship, that's something I would probably agree to, even though it goes against other forces at work in my life right now. I know I want to be with him even if it wasn't part of the plan at first. And I really do think he feels the same way, even if he's afraid to admit it right now.

[Fudgie]

Well, you really only have 2 choices that I can see, Cynder.

 

1) Tell this guy outright that you ARE feeling jealous....maybe suggest getting into a relationship. It's kind of obvious that you do want that. Having a relationship would also establish boundaries and you could keep that jealousy in check.

 

2) Deal internally with your jealousy and not tell him. Remind yourself that he's not yours to get jealous over.

 

Those are really the only 2 options I see (besides breaking this off).

 

I don't really understand the motives behind casual relationship unless you want sex/dating other people...it sounds like neither of you are doing either. So why not make it official. Everyone says it makes it "complicated" but it really doesn't. It defines things so that they are less ambiguous.

[Cynder]

Fudgie, I think the main reason he doesn't want to make it official is because I am not separated from my husband yet. I am having trouble finding a place to live. My husband knows I'm bplanning on moving out. But until I find a place I'm stuck there living with him.

[RedDress]

I'm not sleeping with him. I don't know how much that makes a difference here, but I figured I should point it out.

 

Really? I am surprised because the level of jealousy you are talking about is definitely unusual for someone you haven't slept with. It's also strange that a man will even entertain the relationship talk without sex (even though you decided against it, you had the talk and decided not to define anything). If you aren't sleeping with this guy, I think you are moving (emotionally) waaaaaaay too fast.

 

You also keep saying that jealousy is "natural". But is it? To that degree? If I see my boyfriend talking to another prettier girl, for example... I may get a small twinge of jealousy but I won't ask if he's trying to sleep with her... because I know he's mine.

 

So - the jealousy stems from insecurity (worried that he may leave you for someone else). And the level of insecurity (asking if he's going to hook up) is waaaaay too high for someone you are not sleeping with. It's basically nailing him into the commitment part of a relationship without the goods. Confidence would have been much, MUCH more sexy. Telling him to enjoy his time with his Texas girl and not worrying about it because you KNOW you are an awesome woman and he's lucky to have you (and you could find another man at the drop of a hat).

 

I'd back off on this guy a bit and concentrate on your issues (marriage, moving) so that you can be free to commit at will.

 

PS: It definitely IS your sole decision whether it is defined or not. It's all in what you will accept. If you refuse to accept a lack of definition (at the possible expense of the relationship) - you will get clarity. Either it will be defined or it will NOT be a relationship. You are accepting and solely deciding that a lack of definition is okay. Usually that is a function of low self-esteem (thinking you can't get anyone else or that he's the best you can get and therefore have to put up with poor treatment) but in this case, it's possibly a function of your circumstances. You should really take all your energy to work on that... because by trying to multi-task you are selling yourself short.

[Cynder]

I have more to say but am on my phone and in a hurry... its not that I don't want or have refused to have sex with him. I can't say for sure, but I think he's ligitimately asexual. I could go into more detail if I had time... but he's not into sex. He's more into affection which he gets from me a lot and he gives a lot in return.

[Cynder]

Red dress, now I've had time to read your whole reply... most of what yopu wrote is irrelivent (sp?) Because its based on the fact that we haven't had sex yet. But he's not a sexual person, we are intimate in other ways, so I don't think a lot of your points apply here. But thank you for the effort.

[RedDress]

I can't say for sure, but I think he's ligitimately asexual.

 

Then why were you worried that he'd "hook up" with the girl from Texas?

 

I think your relationship with him, the dynamics of that relationship and his ultimate goals in the relationship completely dictates how he views what you said to him. I'll leave it at that since this is clearly a non-traditional relationship (or non-relationship).

[Cynder]

Then why were you worried that he'd "hook up" with the girl from Texas?

 

I think your relationship with him, the dynamics of that relationship and his ultimate goals in the relationship completely dictates how he views what you said to him. I'll leave it at that since this is clearly a non-traditional relationship (or non-relationship).

 

I asked if he was going to hook up wit her in sarcasm. The sarcasm itself is rooted in his asexuality... I was asking him that in an ironic brand of humor way. That is my sen of humor, people who know me either love it or they hate ie. But do you see why it's ironic to ask an asexual person if they are going to hook up?

 

On another note, asxual people are void of sexual desire/drive. They are not void of romantic feelings/connections with other people. Asexual people still date, they have relationships, and a lot of them do have sex. They themselves don't have any desire to do it, the reason is usually to please their SO.

 

He is very much into affection. He told me one tim when we were all cuddled up on his couch "I would rather do this right here then have sex any time."

 

And the one time I attempted to go down on him... He stopped it by talking.

 

So, even though he's asexual doesn't mean he can't connect in a romantic way with other people... What if she would have came over and he would have spent the night cuddled up with her on the couch. T im, that might as well be a hook up.

 

Just in case anyone is wondering though... the girl never came over. My friend did convince him to walk own to where she was working and meet her. But I'm guessing he either wasn't too ipressed with her or she wasn't impressed with him, since she didn't go back to the party to hang out with him.

 

I'm in a massive hurry, sorry if there are tpos in this post...