inthemeadow Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 A little background: my BF and i get along wonderfully most of the time... but we do live together and spend so much time together. Pretty much every fight that ever happened is because (in my words) he gets unnecessarily jealous (or in his words) I act inappropriately. I have never cheated on any partner and I think it's the worst thing a person can do. However, most all of my exes have been "hands off" as far as telling me what is and isn't appropriate. My current BF is in his late thirties and I'm in my early twenties. He's a little traditional. Last night, a guy drunkenly walked up to me at a bar. I couldn't quite recognize his face but I knew I knew him. Oh yeah! We had had an art class together in college. So we chatted briefly (he was clearly quite drunk and I was nearly sober after having half a drink). I asked him what he was up to, and he said he was working for an advertising agency. I am working part time now, but I would give my right knee for a real job in my field, because I'm financially dependent on my BF. So the guy said he could get me an interview, and I got his info. Well, my BF was furious. He forbid me from contacting the guy, said I couldn't take any job working with him, because the guy didn't introduce himself to my BF and also touched me on the shoulders even though he (my boyfriend) "was clearly my boyfriend" because he "was taking sips out of my drink." Pretty sure the guy was gay. I was annoyed, so I said I wanted to go outside for a moment to cool off, and he said he would be even madder if I did that, because that guy could talk to me out there. We were with his friend, and he was embarrassed about the fight, so he told me to act happier to keep up appearances. I then told him he was suffocating me. I guess I should have introduced my BF, but this little thing ruined the whole night. Etc. etc. It is hard for me to know whether I am being inappropriate at times, so what do you think? Link to comment
DN Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 I don't blame your boyfriend at all. Link to comment
inthemeadow Posted December 10, 2011 Author Share Posted December 10, 2011 Aw. So I WAS being a jerk. Link to comment
DN Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 You started off by allowing a drunk to be a jerk and then blamed your boyfriend because he objected. Do you really think this drunk's motive in approaching and talking to you was to get you an interview for a job? I think your boyfriend is too worldly-wise to fall for that line. Link to comment
inthemeadow Posted December 10, 2011 Author Share Posted December 10, 2011 Sigh, yeah, I guess so. I've been a little single-minded about getting a job. I feel like I have very little independence. I guess I should have been more empathetic with him... You started off by allowing a drunk to be a jerk and then blamed your boyfriend because he objected. Do you really think this drunk's motive in approaching and talking to you was to get you an interview for a job? I think your boyfriend is too worldly-wise to fall for that line. Link to comment
DN Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 Why didn't you introduce your boyfriend? Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 The guy most likely didn't know that your bf was your bf because of the vast age difference and was indeed flirting with you. Although your bf is entitled to feel the way he feels he should've interjected if he was right there and felt some boundaries were crossed. But he didn't so kinda his fault and now here's yours if you were with your bf and meet an acquaintance you should always introduce your boyfriend right after the "how are you?" Since you didn't you kinda left him feeling awkward and left out while a guy his hitting on you. But like I said in your last post your bf irks me, be careful. Link to comment
inthemeadow Posted December 10, 2011 Author Share Posted December 10, 2011 Why didn't you introduce your boyfriend? It wasn't a conscious choice not to. Thinking back, I think I miss being able to talk to anyone for any reason. It's not that I'm actually interested in them for romantic reasons or otherwise, it's just... fun. I've had to change a lot to date my current SO. He's been a very good influence for the most part. I don't want to do the wrong thing with him. It's just that sometimes it feels like we're always stuck together like Siamese twins, and I never much of a chance to miss him or be apart from him. I am pretty sure that if we didn't live together, that he would get over me relatively quickly, and I would start to miss him terribly. His love thrives on closeness, and mine on distance. We do love each other, and he has been the best boyfriend I have ever had. I think that's fair to say. It's a simple problem of feeling like I'm on a leash sometimes. Does that have any resonance? Link to comment
inthemeadow Posted December 10, 2011 Author Share Posted December 10, 2011 The guy most likely didn't know that your bf was your bf because of the vast age difference and was indeed flirting with you. Although your bf is entitled to feel the way he feels he should've interjected if he was right there and felt some boundaries were crossed. But he didn't so kinda his fault and now here's yours if you were with your bf and meet an acquaintance you should always introduce your boyfriend right after the "how are you?" Since you didn't you kinda left him feeling awkward and left out while a guy his hitting on you. But like I said in your last post your bf irks me, be careful. Yeah I should have introduced him... I realize that now. Well, why specifically does he irk you? Link to comment
DN Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 Judging by your previous thread, yes it does resonate. But what happened in the bar is not the way to deal with it. Link to comment
inthemeadow Posted December 10, 2011 Author Share Posted December 10, 2011 Judging by your previous thread, yes it does resonate. But what happened in the bar is not the way to deal with it. We were both responding emotionally, not calmly and rationally. That's usually never a good thing. Link to comment
DN Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 Perhaps more important is the way you were responding to the drunk. Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 Hmmm I don't know he just seems too controlling for my tastes and you keep mentioning it in your two posts. How he asked you to look happy so that you two can keep up a facade of having a wonderful relationship. I'm guessing he probably treats you somewhat like a child, seeing how you say you changed a lot to be with him, which means he brought up issues he didn't like about you and you altered yourself for him. However bottom line is you in your 20's him in his late 30's and although age doesn't affect love it does affect the relationship that you have. Being an older man he should know that holding on to you tightly and acting like a "father" rather than a bf will push you away. And even though I do believe that he loves you It just seems to me that he wants you to be something you are clearly not which is a woman in her 30's ready to settle down. Or he's a man that enjoys providing everything for you and treating you as a child but in turn his word is law. Link to comment
mindi Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 I would find it really annoying to have a boyfriend who didn't trust my judgement and got jealous and insecure over every drunken guy that talked to me. I find those sorts of arguments irritating and they can really ruin the mood of the night over nothing. Link to comment
inthemeadow Posted December 10, 2011 Author Share Posted December 10, 2011 That's how I feel sometimes... like a child. It's not very sexy if you ask me. However, in spite of the negative, he has been very good to me. My family loves him. We also encourage each other to exercise and eat well, and we laugh a lot when we're together. He's very good with kids and animals, and is really sweet in general. But, and I even have a hard time admitting this... sometimes I feel like even though we have lots of fun together, I can't talk to him about anything academic because it bores him. That's one of my biggest joys. And I can't share with him. He's really smart in his own way, but not in that way. The other day he said he didn't know something VERY basic about the government and it horrified me a little. And even though he's very wealthy he doesn't donate to any charities. That bothers me too. He kind of insulates himself in his own little world. I want so badly not to be dependent on him, because then I would be much less defensive of my little bit of independence. But I think HE thinks that I would leave him. He's so darned insecure it drives me crazy. Link to comment
inthemeadow Posted December 10, 2011 Author Share Posted December 10, 2011 I would find it really annoying to have a boyfriend who didn't trust my judgement and got jealous and insecure over every drunken guy that talked to me. I find those sorts of arguments irritating and they can really ruin the mood of the night over nothing. Yes, thank you. I thought it was just me! Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 Ahhh so he is a sugar daddy and you're his sugar baby! Link to comment
DN Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 I would find it really annoying to have a boyfriend who didn't trust my judgement and got jealous and insecure over every drunken guy that talked to me. I find those sorts of arguments irritating and they can really ruin the mood of the night over nothing.OK - turn it around. Some drunken girl hits on your boyfriend in a bar and you are going to be OK with that if your boyfriend keeps talking to her and doesn't make it clear he is with you? Really?? Link to comment
inthemeadow Posted December 10, 2011 Author Share Posted December 10, 2011 Ahhh so he is a sugar daddy and you're his sugar baby! BLEHH, no. Thanks for that, though. Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 Anyways my advice, move out, establish a career, and if this isn't a sugar daddy relationship show him that there is a connection deeper than his stability. If you do that his insecurities should ease up, but if you were a hot 20 something and I was a late 30 something with money, I'd be insecure as hell about the depth of my relationship. Link to comment
inthemeadow Posted December 11, 2011 Author Share Posted December 11, 2011 Anyways my advice, move out, establish a career, and if this isn't a sugar daddy relationship show him that there is a connection deeper than his stability. If you do that his insecurities should ease up, but if you were a hot 20 something and I was a late 30 something with money, I'd be insecure as hell about the depth of my relationship. Thanks for the frank advice. I hadn't thought of it quite like that, but that makes sense. The problem is that starting my own career may involve moving away to a place where the ratio of jobs to job seekers isn't so bad. My talking about grad school makes him uneasy, because I would likely have to move away. But yeah, sometimes it's even hard for me to separate how I feel about him and how I feel about the stability. It's hard but I'm working on it and we had a conversation about it today. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 I would be very careful with this guy..from this and your other thread it really sounds like a very very unequal relationship and he sounds very controlling. It sounds like you are walking on eggshells around him being careful to do what he says and be who HE wants you to be. If this is the best relationship you ever had, I would hate to see your worst...because this guy is not sounding very good and there are a lot of red flags here. Link to comment
inthemeadow Posted December 11, 2011 Author Share Posted December 11, 2011 I would be very careful with this guy..from this and your other thread it really sounds like a very very unequal relationship and he sounds very controlling. It sounds like you are walking on eggshells around him being careful to do what he says and be who HE wants you to be. If this is the best relationship you ever had, I would hate to see your worst...because this guy is not sounding very good and there are a lot of red flags here. I haven't had many relationships, and yeah the ones I have had have been bad. I used to seek out destructive people. This BF isn't mean, but he can be manipulative. And sometimes maybe I allow him to be. What would you suggest though? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 I suggest you make financial independence a top priority and not just because of your relationship and accept that you might have to put your dream career on hold for a bit to get a job that will allow you to pay your own living expenses. I also think it's important for you to have friends that you socialize with independently of your boyfriend and if he is not happy with that reevaluate whether this relationship is healthy for you. Link to comment
inthemeadow Posted December 11, 2011 Author Share Posted December 11, 2011 I suggest you make financial independence a top priority and not just because of your relationship and accept that you might have to put your dream career on hold for a bit to get a job that will allow you to pay your own living expenses. I also think it's important for you to have friends that you socialize with independently of your boyfriend and if he is not happy with that reevaluate whether this relationship is healthy for you. Thanks for that excellent advice. Link to comment
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