Should i tell my ex and let him into my life again?

[laverite1985]

Hi everyone,

 

I was in a relationship for 6 years, and 10 months ago my ex bf broke up with me. He said there where to many problems, he said i was unhappy with him, he said he was not able to make me happy, so that i should make myself happy now. And that i was making myself unhappy with the bahaviour i had at that time. We went to a difficult time cause we had to move to another house which was a lot smaller and i had difficulties to get used to the change and i was crying alot and my mood was not so good most of the time. So that's when he decided it was not good for both of us to stay together. My ex studied philosophy and i was not very interested in reading his books. However now that he broke up with me it's a wake up call cause i like the books now and i understand what he was missing cause he coulden't share that with me. 1 month ago he sended me an email with the question if we could email and be friends again, but i replied that i am not ready to be friends again and i want NC to heal and have time to think.

He's now with an new gf and also living together with her, but he also write's me he misses me as a friend, so what does that mean??

 

But now i ask myself the questions

1.Can friendship bring my ex back to me, when i let him know that i am changed since the break up and we could have a good friendship by mailing ( cause he lives far away now) maybe we could both heal and show that we are more mature now and share our thoughts.

 

2. Is It usefull to let him know i am also interested in philosophy now and i regret not showing so much interest when we where together, cause i really regret that. I understand why he said he coulden't share that with me and maybe when i let him know i understand, so we can built a relationship from there. Or should i completely forget about ever getting back and give up all hope???

 

Any advice is welcome...........

[offplanet]

Don't try to 'be friends' with someone who you actually want to be 'more than friends' with, who has a gf and lives with her. Youl would be setting yourself up to be hurt, and for that hurt to be dragged on for a long time. There's no point having a friendship with him, because you're not over him, and he's committed to someone else now. That would be a recipe for trouble.Only have friendship with someone with whom you're happy to be actually just a friend. You have too much history with him, and feelings for him, to be just a friend, while he shares his life with another girl. It's not fair of him to ask you to be friends. It's not actually fair to his new gf either. He broke up with you, and hurt you, so he should leave you alone now. It's understandable that, having changed, and got interested in his subject, you would wish you could turn back the clock and have a second chance, but he's living with someone else now, so that door is closed. He shouldn't try to keep you in his life, unless he breaks up with her first.

[laverite1985]

Oke thanks for you advice, but you don't think he can come back one day because he would find out he cares for me more now when we are friends then for the other woman cause we have more history together and he would realise we are more then friends again, he would reconsider getting back together?

 

Cause when i don't have any contact, he will think less and less about me and there will be no change of getting back. Or do you think that NC could trigger him to miss me even more and make him think about me even more?

[Mephisto13]

Nope, sorry to say you lost him. But you still have feelings for him. Don't be friends, you'll only end up hurt.

[Leona700]

At this point he has moved on. He not dating another woman but living with her. Thats a big step. Why dont you tell him how you feel and that you have in fact changed. Ask him to come back. If he says no than you have your answer. If he says yes than you can give it another shot. Otherwise sticking around like a lost puppy is only going to push him away from you even more. Be a stong woman and he will catch on to that.

[rosie smith]

no don't ask him to come back to you, it will never work, stick to NC especially if he is trying to get in contact with you cause may be he has realised he has made a mistake by going off with this girl

 

has he rebounded with this girl cause if he has he might be thinking that she is not the person he though she was

 

honestly if he wants you back at one point then he will tell you but in the mean time whilst he is with someone don't talk to him, unless you really want to be his friend but don't think that by being his friend he will leave this girl for you the only way that will happen is if you leave him alone and he realises you are the one he wants to be with me not this other girl, if you stay in his life you could he could end up becoming even more attached to this girl and just using you

 

if you need to say anything to him about your current life then do that but don't tell him to much cause the less he knows the more he will wonder and you need to prove to him that you no longer need him in your life if he wants back let him prove this to you, don't chase after him or tell him you want him back he is with this girl now and this will only prove to him he could have you in his life any time he wants you and all that will happen is he could just end up taking advantage, if he wants back let him tell you prove to you that is what he wants but if you tell him that is what you want it might back fire on you

[Eocsor]

Spill your guts to him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you love him. And then you will have your answer one way or another. And you can deal with that answer.

 

Trying to worm your way back into an exe life by being friends is a recipe for disaster though. Don't do it.

[The Man Who]

Trying to worm your way back into an exe life by being friends is a recipe for disaster though. Don't do it.

 

Couldn't agree more! It's just another game playing method and they never work out. You'll get found out pretty quickly if you try to be his friend while wanting more.

[RastaPasta]

I am a strong believer of respecting other people's relationships. If someone is dating someone, don't try to be their friend in hopes of there being more. If you are successful and you win him back and he leaves the other woman, it would only prove that he is the type of man who would get up and leave the relationship for someone better.

[Notagoodninja]

I am a strong believer of respecting other people's relationships. If someone is dating someone, don't try to be their friend in hopes of there being more. If you are successful and you win him back and he leaves the other woman, it would only prove that he is the type of man who would get up and leave the relationship for someone better.

 

 

yeah I agree...don't get involved...

[charity]

i think as soon as you start talking about philosophy he'll see right through you.he'll see that you are trying to show him that you've change and wanna get back with him.

[laverite1985]

Thanks! I was thinking that i sended him many mails 1 month after the break up that i love him so much and i will always love him and asking if he would to talk and maybe we could solve our problems and give our relationship another change. You see, he mailed by saying he still loves me, but he doesen't want to share his life with me anymore.

 

But it's also because he thought i was unhappy with him, cause i was complaining on a lot of things.

Now i know i will never do that again, and i still love him so much but he said to me 6 months after the break up that there is no change of us ever getting back together..... So i guess that hasen't changed for him, only he wants to be friends cause he misses me a lot ( he mailed) And he also mailed me he still thinks about the break up very much, even now when he's with his new GF!! so why????

[laverite1985]

Thank you very much for your advice, i was hoping for some sort of reunion one day and we would found eachother again when he knows i am changed and we would connect again cause when we have contact and friendship we are still in eachothers thoughts, but when i don't mail there's really no change ever getting love back or a changement on how he thinks about me cause i am out of his mind then, or maybe he will miss me even more when i am totally out of his life?..... but you see that's the big question

[laverite1985]

i think as soon as you start talking about philosophy he'll see right through you.he'll see that you are trying to show him that you've change and wanna get back with him.

 

yes that is right, i think so, maybe after some years when we would contact again he would believe me.....i hope

[lavenderdove]

Many people after a while has elapsed since the breakup, want to be friends again... they want to hang onto the feelings of good will and support that a 'friend' can bring, but they don't want the romantic relationship. It is like someone wanting to hang onto an old pair of shoes they are comfortable with and wear them now and again when they're in the mood.

 

But there is nothing in this for you... he is actually living with someone else, so he is in a relationship and at best you are a hanger oner that he will use to chat with whenever he is bored or has a fight with the GF or needs some emotional support, but you are just on the outside looking in on his relationship now, and that is not a healthy place for you to be.

 

And some exes even try to recruit exes to be an occasional person to cheat with in order to get some sexual variety if they get bored with sex with the same person over and over... so you need to really not get involved with him again. He's had ample opportunity to get back with you and has instead decided to move in with another woman, so basically i'd throw in the towel and just stop seeing or talking to him and instead put your efforts into finding someone new who does want to be with you rather than be 'just friends'.

[laverite1985]

Thanks for your good advice! It really helps me to think clear about the obsession with my ex....