Can any dumpers (who have left for someone 'better') here verify if...

[octour]

the best revenge a dumpee can get is to be happy and successful without them?

 

Have any dumpers actually seen their ex's out and about or heard through the grapevine about how well they are doing and actually regretted dumping them for someone else?

 

-And please, no lectures. Walk a mile in my shoes and live through what I have been through before you start to preach. Thanks!

[camus154]

No. A dumper dumps someone for a reason and won't much care how well the dumpee is doing afterwards.

[octour]

'Have any dumpers actually seen their ex's out and about or heard through the grapevine about how well they are doing and actually regretted dumping them for someone else?'

[camus154]

The answer to the first part is yes, and the answer to the second is no.

[Dezireey]

No. A dumper dumps someone for a reason and won't much care how well the dumpee is doing afterwards.

 

That is such a sweeping statement and completely negates all the people in this world who get back together on a regular basis. What about people who are very much in love with someone but have to dump them because they are not being treated right? or they are the dumper but got cheated on? Of course those types of dumpers still care. It all depends on the nature of the break up.

 

In answer to the OP. Yes I have heard about an ex through the grapevine and felt regret. I felt this way about ex's that I didn't want to get back with but was peeved that they had found someone else and were now happy. It smarts a little bit even if you are also in a relationship, especially when you start thinking 'they look more happy than I am' or on one occasion I was with a guy who was great fun but wouldn't commit at all and I found out that the ex I dumped for him was now getting married. Ouch!

[LDRohnos]

Well I've never dumped someone FOR someone else, so that doesn't apply. I can say that I have had to end relationships with some bitterness and sure, I've seen them in the future or heard about them doing something fun or exciting and I felt a twinge of...something. Knife in the gut kind of feeling I guess!

[octour]

Is it more of a feeling that the dumper realizes that the person could have changed and they just didn't or couldn't give them that chance?

[camus154]

That is such a sweeping statement and completely negates all the people in this world who get back together on a regular basis.

 

You mean all 2% of them? The exceptions to the rule don't in general prove the rule wrong. And in my mind it's better to count yourself among the majority and not live under false hope than to expect to be the exception. If you are, then so much the better, but in that case you don't need to rely on odds (or internet forums) anyway.

[octour]

You mean all 2% of them? The exceptions to the rule don't in general prove the rule wrong. And in my mind it's better to count yourself among the majority and not live under false hope than to expect to be the exception. If you are, then so much the better, but in that case you don't need to rely on odds (or internet forums) anyway.

 

It's really too bad there isn't any way of getting accurate stats of this. I've gotten back together with every one of my ex's with the exception of one. I was both the dumper and the dumpee, about half and half. So my personal 'success rate' is about 80%. (5/6) I'm a long termer when it comes to relationships. About 2-3.5 years for each.

[somethngwrng]

I've gotten back together with every one of my ex's

But you are split from all of them now... why keep hoping? It's poison.

[octour]

But you are split from all of them now... why keep hoping? It's poison.

 

Because this is the first time that outside circumstances played a major role in my breakup. A MAJOR role. They have since changed for the better and it's the hardest part to deal with.

[CountryHGirl]

I dumped my last ex. We were together for about 6 months, it was totally wrong. He was like a Kris Humphries if i had to explain him.

 

After i dumped him about 3 weeks later i heard he was doing well...blah blah etc. I was happy for him, but i never regretted my decision. In fact, when ive heard an ex that i dumped is doing well, it really doesnt faze me.

 

Maybe thats just me. I dont know. I DO know, however, that when my longest and the relationship i would consider to be my most devestating( i really thought i was going to marry him, we had a ring and everything) ended because my ex broke it off, i was in a bad state. The month i decided to go out, be happy and move on was the month he saw pics of me 'being happy' from a friend from that week, and came crawling back. So idk i think its different for everyone

[LDRohnos]

Is it more of a feeling that the dumper realizes that the person could have changed and they just didn't or couldn't give them that chance?

 

Not for me. I it's usually more of a glimpse in the mirror of what could have been but wasn't meant to be. I guess the "knife in the gut" is probably just a form of minor and brief anxiety.

[sada88]

I had a chance to reconcile with every one of my exes with the exception of the last one. Usually me being a better form of me is enough to make them kick themselves into wanting another chance. I don't believe in 2nd chances so I never got back together with any of them. I have a 2/3 record since I tend to not date seriously often. So does that count?

 

My last ex has a lot of regrets ending things with me. He told everyone and everyone told him to move on since he cheated. But he now hates my current boyfriend so... When I end things with someone, if they are doing better...I'm happy for them but I don't want them back since I usually thought about it months on end or they did something heinous enough for me to end it. There was no love left.

[calichick007]

I've wondered "what if," but never regretted it.

[petite]

The best thing you can do for yourself is not worry about such things. "Better" is subjective and if he dumper was willing to leave you for someone else then they will probably leave him/her for another person too.

By thinking this way you are sending positive energy to your ex and her new beau instead of focusing on yourself; in the long run this will be more beneficial for you.

[Dezireey]

You mean all 2% of them? The exceptions to the rule don't in general prove the rule wrong. And in my mind it's better to count yourself among the majority and not live under false hope than to expect to be the exception. If you are, then so much the better, but in that case you don't need to rely on odds (or internet forums) anyway.

 

So you ignored my last two sentences then? stating that it all depends on the nature of the break up? The original question from the OP was whether dumpers still cared about their ex's (regardless of getting back together or not) it was not on the topic of whether people reconcile or not (and I think 2% is way off base as myself and many other people I know have gotten back together with ex's at least 30% of the time). Your answer was that ALL dumpers do not care about their ex's after break up, which is a false statement. Like I said, depends on the nature of the break up. A person who dumps someone after an intense 6 year relationship living with someone is more than likely to 'care' about their ex for quite some time afterwards than a less serious relationship that lasted two months.

 

Two many variables, your statement was sweeping.end of.

[camus154]

You're missing the forest for the trees here. The OP's question really had nothing to do with whether dumpers "still care" but whether they regret the decision to break up and--the real meat of the question--do they regret it enough to ever come back. In most cases they don't, but even that's not the point.

 

As I said, it's better to go with "no" and not get your hopes up than to count on being the exception to the rule.

[Gerda]

Dezireey is correct.

As I said, it's better to go with "no" and not get your hopes up than to count on being the exception to the rule.

The OP was asking a question, I assume, because he/she wanted a correct answer, not an answer that was best for him/her psychologically. Not to be mean, but your answer was false because it was too sweeping. He/she is entitled to know the truth and decide from there whether or not to have any hope, they don't need people lying to them to "protect" them from their own hopes.

 

So yeah, Dezireey is correct--it all depends on the relationship of course. I would say I have almost always felt the twinge that the OP is asking about, the exception being when it's obvious that the dumpee is just TRYING to look all happy and stuff, in which case I would just pity them more. But yeah--it's almost inevitable that if somebody that you broke up with starts improving their position in life, it's going to irk the dumper. The more they improve it, the more it will irk them--it's a "keeping up with the Jonses" thing, we just can't stand to see others do better than us. It's not something to get all excited about, because just irking somebody doesn't mean they're going to want to get back with you or anything, but hey, it may just be the lone silver lining that a poor discarded lover can take comfort in, or it can be a good source of motivation for them to work hard at improving themselves.

 

I can say for sure, it has happened to me, as the dumper. Some of the worst cases took years to take effect, though. There is one guy who I broke up with over ten years ago to get back with my exboyfriend. I now see the one I broke up with as the better choice, more of a catch, than the one I broke up with him for. I don't think I would have been able to figure this out without actually getting back together with the ex, so I'm not going to say I regret what I did. But yes, looking back, it is now apparent to me that the first was better. This may all just be an illusion since things never ran the course with the guy I broke up with--all the more encouraging for us dumpees, especially those who were left for another. Yes, I'd say AT FIRST the dumper does not give a hoot. But after the new relationship fails, and after many relationships fail after that--it's completely possible that a person can look back at somebody they discarded and be interested in a "round 2." (Were we not both married now, I'd be interested in dating that ex again.)

[camus154]

Dezireey is correct.

The OP was asking a question, I assume, because he/she wanted a correct answer, not an answer that was best for him/her psychologically. Not to be mean, but your answer was false because it was too sweeping. He/she is entitled to know the truth and decide from there whether or not to have any hope, they don't need people lying to them to "protect" them from their own hopes.

 

Given enough time and a big enough sample of people, any odds will eventually prove to be true. That doesn't mean it's good advice to count on that happening. So yes, from a statistical standpoint my original answer was false. But I'm guessing the OP didn't need to come here to learn that anything could happen, which as relationship advice is pretty meaningless anyway.

[camus154]

Btw, that wasn't meant as a dig towards your own advice or story, just in general regarding the odds...

[Silverbirch]

Can't say what the odds are, and I was a dumpee, not a dumper, but I suspect relationship-wise and in other areas of my life, I am happier than my ex. I learnt after the b/u that he dumped me for his much younger hairdresser. I saw him a couple of months later when I went to collect my things and he had lost a lot of his hair and all that remained was now silver. He had also put on a lot of weight, and would definitely be classed as obese. He talked about us going out for dinner, etc and seemed to be trying to find out what is happening in my life. I was polite but guarded (btw I still had thoughts at that stage of eventually getting back with him). He has contacted me since, but I've moved on and have somebody else in my life. I see him in a whole different light. My life right now is in transition since the breakup. Apart from some hassles with health issues, I think my life is looking up - improvements on the workfront (the university has failed him in his pHd). The new man is a much nicer person and MUCH better looking. My relationship with my son is closer due to the breakup - his daughter hasn't spoken to him for over 2 years now. His ex-wife hates him - my ex-husband/son's father and I are friendly and on very good terms.

 

So whilst I cannot speak statistically, my own life is likely improved and very likely happier than my dumper's life.

[octour]

Hi, OP here. What I was really getting at is that people end relationships for a reason or reasons. Even if they leave for someone else in particular, they had a reason to leave for that somebody. Now I'm not talking about whether the new person is hotter or whatnot, that's just plain pathetic. The RS was also long term.

 

So what I was getting at, have dumpers ever regretted dumping the original dumpee for specific reasons and now see that those reasons no longer exist? ie. if the dumpee took the time to 'fix' their problem(s) or what it was that the dumper saw as a deal breaker?

 

When I use my own example, I was left for someone else because I didn't have time for our RS because of the workload I originally took on when we first met. That spiraled way out of control and I couldn't get out from under it. Unfortunately, I was put into a position where if I neglected my business I would have lost an amount of money that would have taken me a lifetime to regain. I was working that hard just to keep paying the bills so I couldnl't just walk away. I had to work as much as I did or I would be on the street, no joke and no exaggeration. I'm finally out of that position and it took me 3 years to get here. But my ex hit 'the wall' two months before I could do it and she just got sick and tired ('too little too late' is what she gave me) and went out and met someone and left me for him. She was basically done with what she saw were my empty promises. Even though deep down inside, she was always (and still is) number 1 to me. She lacks empathy sometimes and it was very difficult for her to comprehend my situation. I don't think many people could understand TBH.

 

So long story short, do dumpers ever see that the reasons they dumped their ex's for no longer exist and regret their decision?

[octour]

Score 1 for the dumpees!!!

[Eocsor]

It's pointless speculation that will just hold you back from healing. You are literally grasping at straws with this crap. I know you don't want a lecture, but seriously, get a grip and let it go.