85% there - just cant let go emotionally!!

[donpeel83]

Hi ENA,

 

 

First of all, sorry for potentially repeating myself with this thread. Truth be told, some of the same emotional hang ups and feelings of abandonment ive had for the last 9 months still persist.

 

 

Now, as the title says, I do feel hand on heart im mentally where I need to be as im moving about my business day to day fine. Yesterday, for example, my first assignment from Uni came back with a great 92%! And today im heading into work as im trying to get an internal application for a new role sorted, finished and sent off for 2 roles on a higher pay band. My fitness work has tailed off over the last few months, buts that been down to mainly focusing on my studies, and as you can see im reaping the rewards of that one.

 

However, here lies the problem. I feel I still have an emotional attachment to my past. I feel that im over romanticising in my head what I use to have. I didn’t feel the relationship was a bad one. We never really argued and we finished because she questioned if she loved me. A circus of emotional back and forth ensued once we separated with her telling me she missed me, wanted to get married and have kids, hacking my Facebook account and then reaching out to her first love from 13 years ago to reform a relationship there. All this occurred I might add 2 months after we separated. Despite feeling like I have more control over my life now, and that my life in general has more direction, I cant help but still have this attachment that is emotionally derailing me.

 

 

When my ex and I parted ways she openly said that she was worried she was making mistake as she knew I was a great guy and that I treated her great and the relationship was, well, great. However, for her she wasn’t sure about the long term if I was the “one” for her. Truth be told, she was never sure of a lot of things her self and her life was lead in a way where she moved forward by looking in the rear view mirror. Despite mentally knowing whats best for me……still…..emotionally im just not there.

 

 

I know that by asking the great ENA community for advice, words of support etc will see very similar posts back, but sometimes I just need that common sense talked in to me. If anyone has any advice please for dealing with that emotional link then I would be eternally grateful??

 

 

Many thanks and much love ENA xxx

[Julia Durst]

The best way to deal with a break up is to get into another relationship.

Get yourself back into the dating game and you will forget them in no time.

[jonesyjakk]

Don't dive into a r/s mate, you will regret it and probably end up hurting someone. Get stuck into your studies, get back into your fitness, get out there and meet some new people dude. Do things you would never have done 6 months ago and make plans and goals for the future.

 

I used to day dream for hours and hours about my past with my ex too, it does fade away. I promise. Just keep going bro, I swear, you will look back in time and wonder what was I thinking. I know, it doesn't seem like it, but you will. It's the circle of life brother. Keep s,iling. As a great man once said....when you are going through hell....keep going.

[Eocsor]

The best way to deal with a break up is to get into another relationship.

 

Worst advice ever. Do not date until you are emotionally ready. All a rebound will do is retard your healing.

 

You are doing great. Just keep on the path you are on and time will take care of the rest. It took me about 18 months or so to be at the point where everything was great and I was ready to move on for real. You'll get there too.

[mhowe]

Two out of three posters are right! Time will heal you. Which is great, because you don't have to do anything. Which also sucks, 'cause you can't speed it up. So as the guys have said -- keep yourself busy and focused on a better you -- and one day, you will wake up and realize that you aren't thinking about a future with her in it anymore.

[donpeel83]

Yea thanks guys. I know what I'm doing is the right thing and I know I'm the right path etc but still a struggle letting go completely I'm finding

 

I did the weekends to be the worse purely because we were an LDR so only saw each other at the weekends so that's when I really feel it. I'm so conflicted as well because part of me wants her to be happy with her old fella but another part of me wants history to repeat itself and or it to go peter tong again.

 

Just really want to be free of te pain and hurt and the feeling of being abandoned xAx

[Carus]

If anyone has any advice please for dealing with that emotional link then I would be eternally grateful??

Well even though you're at the 'bloody frustrated' stage, the thing is, you ARE dealing with it....It's taken me the better part of 3 years to actually level out..!

 

It's kinda like doing weights...You dont really notice it yourself, but then you run into someone you haven't seen for a while and they say "Oh have you been working out?"...

 

So yeh, just keep doing what you're doing...and on that note, mate, 92%...!?? That is fantastic....I just got through my first year so I know how it is*

When my ex and I parted ways she openly said that she was worried she was making mistake as she knew I was a great guy and that I treated her great and the relationship was, well, great.

Yeh I got that one too....Plus "Noone will ever replace you..."...and, well, you know the rest....

 

As for the estalking, that too will subside...After a while I would use it as a guage....I would look and if it still stung too much I'd be like "Nope, wont do that again for a while!"...

 

Anyway, good things lay ahead mate....You know it*

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[jonesyjakk]

Just stay focused bro. It's an emotional rollercoaster when you truly loved someone. When they f......k with your head that rollercoaster becomes a nightmere.....but rollercoasters stop and nightmeres end.......you'll get through it. The pain and emotional turmoil is like nothing I have ever experienced....but a year on it's much easier. In a few months she will mean nothing at all to me if I keep going the way I am. You can do it too.

 

There is a line in the film swingers, where one of jon faverous mates says....stop looking to the past, don't focus on what you don't have, but focus on what you do. When you let go, the future is beautiful. Something to that effect anyway....and that guy was right! When you let go......the future is insane! Keep going, you will be better for it!

 

Jonesy

[donpeel83]

Yea, i Had the the reverse-psycho treatment too!! She hacked my facebook account and tried to use it as ammo against me. The more i think back now the more i realise she did so that when our mutual friends went "Why you dumping Don for?? He was a great guy...." she can then pull out these Fakebook messages as her way of vindicating herself for dumping me and running back to a guy from a decade ago. Sad really but I fear for her son, as I still think that relationship will go t*ts up again!! All her relationships seem to?!?!? And that tells me something about her.

 

But yea, I know im on the right track and it is so frustraing!! All I want to do is jump to march April time and get past the 1 year mark!! I do feel the excitement building up though at the unknown of what awaits me in terms of new relationships, increased studies and job prospects etc. I do like that and I can feel that sensation growing little bit by little bit. I feel as it does, the more it will replace the nostalgic sensation in my heart!!

[donpeel83]

Just stay focused bro. It's an emotional rollercoaster when you truly loved someone. When they f......k with your head that rollercoaster becomes a nightmere.....but rollercoasters stop and nightmeres end.......you'll get through it. The pain and emotional turmoil is like nothing I have ever experienced....but a year on it's much easier. In a few months she will mean nothing at all to me if I keep going the way I am. You can do it too.

 

There is a line in the film swingers, where one of jon faverous mates says....stop looking to the past, don't focus on what you don't have, but focus on what you do. When you let go, the future is beautiful. Something to that effect anyway....and that guy was right! When you let go......the future is insane! Keep going, you will be better for it!

 

Jonesy

 

Cheers bro,

 

Yea staying focused is the key. I know, if im truthful with myself, that life has more potential at the moment and that im doing stuff for me for a change!! However, as I said previously, that nostalgia and abondemnet still lingers!! It is a cliche but its time I need!! I know that.

 

That quaote is awesome too mate!! I know the ex is guilty of doing that, she would always talk about her past with me....talk about the houses she use to own, the jobs she use to have etc.....very much a retrospective person who lives her life looking in the rear view mirror. I dont want to be like that!! I want to focus on the road ahead and embrace the change that is coming. I can feel the buzz and excitement forming as I stand on the cusp of a new life. That feels great!! However, as we all know.....sometimes the heart and the head like to play tricks on us as we keep moving forward!!

[donpeel83]

Well today I feel so much more positive. Im still working away at work, i've joined a new gym that is opening next week, my studies are still on going and i have a massive weekend planned around that as well. All in all im feeling more content and have a sense of being genuinley non-chalant to my previous partner and what ever life she is now leading. I've not e-stalked for some 48 hours which is a record for me at the moment so im feeling happier that ive cut some of that emotional attachment to her. However, as these things often go sods law dictates that when im personally removed from her etc and fully moved on she'll probably come a calling again.....though at the same time im fully moved on will I actually care??

[jonesyjakk]

though at the same time im fully moved on will I actually care??

 

Bang on.....that's where you need to get too.

[donpeel83]

Well last few days have been.....strange!! Now I know I started an estalking related thread the other day but since then and the start of this thread I feel like something has just switched inside me. It just feels like I don't care anymore?!? Every time I picture te ex and the new/old guy now I just shrug my shoulders and carry on about my business. Now I know this isn't a guarantee that I'm 110% over her but it feels like a monumental shift towards the black has occurred from the red!!

 

I did however have a slight moment of about 3 minutes when I pictured her and him drinking this bottle of champagne, an expensive one, that I had bought my ex for her bday last year. I pictured them drinking it together ad her charting on fakebook about it but then I just thought..."so what, at least they know I've got good taste" lol. Just really feeling the last few days that not only do I not miss and her annoying habits but that I actually couldn't give a rats arse what se is up to or how's she feeling etc. I know she is a super complicated cookie and I'm happy just getting on with the studies ad focusing on my promotion/job interview next week good times!! I'm really feeling like I'm becoming the change I want to be!

[jonesyjakk]

something has just switched inside me. It just feels like I don't care anymore?!? Every time I picture te ex and the new/old guy now I just shrug my shoulders and carry on about my business.

 

Taken me a year to get to that point.

 

Keep going mate, forget the champers, forget her, she's damaged goods mate. You already know what to do, you are the master of the universe....and new/old guy and your ex are nothing....stay focused bro....you're doing a top notch job.

[donpeel83]

Taken me a year to get to that point.

 

Keep going mate, forget the champers, forget her, she's damaged goods mate. You already know what to do, you are the master of the universe....and new/old guy and your ex are nothing....stay focused bro....you're doing a top notch job.

 

Cheers mate. I'm 9 months post BU and 6 months post her no longer using me as an emotional back whilst she started seeing her first love again and this last week has been mental. I think part of it is down to my heart and head just having no room or energy left to deal with her!! I think that's what happens, your body gets sick of dealing with the heartache and just goes "f*** this I've had enough"!! From there I feel your on the home stretch of the healing process. I know I ain't 110% yet but so so so close!!

 

And your right again buddy, she is damaged goods! I'm not saying that out of spite just looking at her life and the choices she's made it's so apparent. Just a shame as I feel as a person she's really nice and as mother she's wonderful but as a partner she's terrible!! Again that's said from my head using facts, not from my heart using spite! Just a shame she's blind to the pittfalls she's laying down at her own feet. No longer my problem I know!!

 

Ps sorry for any poor sleeping or weird crazy grammar mistakes, using my iPhone to post tonight!!

[jonesyjakk]

Mate, you're spot on. It's like my head and my heart were in a massive war with eachother, in the end I just said f,,,,,,,,k this....it's taken me a year, I said to my heart you don't love her, I said to my head stop imagining stuff, and suddenly I woke up from this nightmere. I made a promise to myself, this is the only place I will talk about my ex....I do not mention her now to family and friends unless they ask, and then I tell them and ALWAYS follow my answer with a question about something totally different....try it it works. It's weird because I only talked about her so much before because I was afraid of letting go, it's like thinking of her was my safety net. We were still together in my head, all the questions, why is she doing this, that and the other....that was my way of keeping contact with my past.....when you let go it is truly beautiful....and.....I feel relieved.....I have carried this pain for so long.....I feel a million dollars now I don't have it....and I find myself laughing about it...I was driving home the other day, started thinking about how she left me and started laughing like a mad man.....it was crazy.

 

What I am saying is mate, you are doing the right thing. Dealing with you pain, dealing with your hurt.....sooner or later, you will burst out laughing, and think, * * * was I doing this last year? Don't worry about her, or the other guy...when you get to that point of not caring anymore, and I am not there yet but it's close.....dude......it's amazing. When me and my ex split I was chatting up girls because I wanted to replace the hole in my heart.....I was flirting with a girl today and was so much fun...not because I wanted to replace my ex....but because i wanted to do it for me.....seriously....keep focused, you sound like you are doing awesome.....the blinders will be off soon....the fog is lifting.....and the scenery is beautiful.

[donpeel83]

Yea mate so true. I tell you what though that really felt crazy to me is this. My ex ex, who was a lying cheat who brought Me to this site, when her and I split up I did exactly the same as you buddy....chased girls!! I slept with a few, got sexual favours off some others and I was also actively hitting up dating sites and was seeing a fair few girls. I clearly wasn't over her (we split early June 2009). Then come October the same year, 4 months later, I met my ex and started seeing her. So we started dating 4 months after me coming out of a really messy break and we lasted for 18 months. What I find funny is that when I look at where I was 9 months post BU from exex I was there celebrating my recent exes birthday!! Also up until 8 months into my new relationship (May last year) I was still talking about my exex on here so I clearly moved onto the recent ex too soon!! I did love my ex but truthfully I fear she was more a rebound!! There is no way I want to make similar mistakes again. 9 months on from the break and I'm starting to just feel great again. I reckon by March time I'll be cured!!

[donpeel83]

Update - Well I know for sure im not over her or out the woods yet. Had a crazed down moment for 5-10 minutes earlier when I started thinking of her etc. Yes the temptation to estalk briefly returned but I didnt cave in and now I feel better again. I was really upbeat and positive this morning relating to my studying and uni work but then I had a brief "come down". However, that has passed and Im feeling alright again!

 

Darn, the heart and head combination is a funny funny thing isnt it lol. It feels at times like my heart is purposley trying to drag me back, to make me regress!!

[jonesyjakk]

Even though its sad, It's nice to hear a story of someone feeling almost the same as I do. I've had a bad day today, bad days are not like they once were, geez I used to be buckled on the floor as the pain in my chest felt like someone had hit me with a sledge hammer. I'd walk around with this constant ache. That's passed....bad days now are just memories, and thoughts, and the realisation that I am a single dad, confusion about what on earth did I do so wrong that this woman wouldn't even discuss sorting out any problems, and would rather toss our son back and for from city to city every week so she can have her new dude.

 

I don't think about it much, but because I spoke to her on the phone saturday for the first time since early september, it's knocked me slightly. I just remember how confident her voice was, how happy she sounded....made me frizzzzzing sick inside. I keep hearing her voice and today its got me all in a spin. I feel a bit of loser still being upset about this a year down the line but that feeling will pass. I have alot to look forward to.

 

Thing is, what I am saying, all this feelings and emotion you are going through, it will pass buddy......and sooner or later you will feel great again.....hang in there man, I feel your pain. The war between head and heart is ongoing one. Stick with it.

[donpeel83]

To be fair with my current ex I never got the really bad days. I did with ex ex but the more ive travelled through this current break the more im convinced my last ex is potentially a rebound. Still cared deeply for her but I was never bowled over with an emotional trainwreck if you get me?? Exex was a different kettle of fish though!! I was destroyed so i know how you feel.

 

Mate, with you hearing her voice...i know if I saw my ex tomorrow id get all nervous and possibly feel a tad sick. Its natural I think, its our body going into shock because I think a part of us tries to convince the ehart and head that the ex partner is almost dead?!?! Still horrific though. How you feeling today? Any better?

[jonesyjakk]

I'm top notch mate. Spending time with my little boy. I realised how far I have come because 6 months ago, even 3 months ago I'd have analysed that phone call to death. I've done a little analyising about how she sounded, how the conversation went....but it's been in my thoughts, not talked about to death to everyone like I used to. I'm good mate.

 

How about you? How has the day gone for you?

[donpeel83]

I'm top notch mate. Spending time with my little boy. I realised how far I have come because 6 months ago, even 3 months ago I'd have analysed that phone call to death. I've done a little analyising about how she sounded, how the conversation went....but it's been in my thoughts, not talked about to death to everyone like I used to. I'm good mate.

 

How about you? How has the day gone for you?

 

Yea days been good thanks bro. My feeling of being indifferent to her has kind of returned today which is fab. Just counting down till this new gym of mine opens so I can start hitting that hard again. Missed that endorphin kick so much!!

 

But yea man today has been about work and revision and just feeling better than I feel at times I should be feeling! Like a part of me feels I should be really down but I'm not?!? Do miss the ex and her lad but not moping around and not bitterly upset or depressed anymore and getting pangs of excitement about the future which is fricking cool! But I do k ow if she was to contact me it would mess my head a little!

[Silverbirch]

Hi Don, sounds like you are doing really great. I can only speak of my own experience, and I'm sure there would be lots of different interpretations of that, but for me, I have now realised that after I have become involved with another person I have really wanted to be with, the final attachment to the ex seems to go. Of course, I'm not saying to rush out and get someone new, just accept that how you feel is normal, and it won't be there forever. It's probably partly sexual - well I'm sure for me it is.

[donpeel83]

Hi Don, sounds like you are doing really great. I can only speak of my own experience, and I'm sure there would be lots of different interpretations of that, but for me, I have now realised that after I have become involved with another person I have really wanted to be with, the final attachment to the ex seems to go. Of course, I'm not saying to rush out and get someone new, just accept that how you feel is normal, and it won't be there forever. It's probably partly sexual - well I'm sure for me it is.

 

Thanks. Im not reqally looking for anything and Im really happy just being my own man at the moment. However, I feel that my heart is ready to let someone else in and I feel I have learnt enough to make that relationship work. However, at the same time I feel so exhausted of relationships at the moment as well!! After my last 2 ex's Im thinking just me myself and I for a bit. Still, never know what the future holds but at the moment a relationship is no where near a priority for me. Makes me chuckle as 2 years ago it was all I was thinking about post ex ex!!