broken1414 Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Wow...what a weekend. Long story short: My ex and I together for 5 years, broke up 10 months ago. He struggled with alcoholism our entire relationship, didn't treat me right, cheated on me, lied to me, etc, etc, I didn't want to break up with him, but had to in order to save my own sanity. I met a new guy shortly after the break up and have fallen completely head over heels in love with him. My ex was obviously very bothered by my new relationship, but has since gotten over it, made new friends, and has been involved with multiple girls. When the ex and I were together, we bought a house and his kid brother came to live with us. (For about 4 years, from when he was 14-18 years old) They come from a very troubled family, alcoholic/abusive parents, their older brother also struggled with drug abose problems, etc, and committed suicide 7 years ago. The youngest brother (who came to live with us) was the one who found his oldest brother dead at the time of his suicide. Both their mother and their father (who are now divorced) have attempted suicide multiple times as well. My ex always struggled with alcoholism, but when we were together never was into drugs of any kind. Since we broke up 10 months ago, he has made some friends who are total druggies. To make it worse, his little brother (now 19) still lives with him. The youngest brother is by far the most sensible person inthe entire family. Saturday morning: His little brother texts me out of the blue "Hey, how's it going?", I reply "Good, you?". He tells me that the night before my ex got drunk, took off in his car (after his little brother tried to stop him), and drove over 100km/h into the back of a parked 18-wheeler. He said "I think he did it on purpose". He told me that he had been saying things like, "I don't want to live anymore.", "I should just end it, it's not worth it anymore", etc over the last few days. I KNOW my ex pretty good, and I KNOW he did this on purpose. He told me that the drugs (cocaine and crack) are way worse than I think, and that he just hates living with him and he just wants to get away. But I know he feels like he needs to keep an eye on his older brother, because he's scared that he's going to do something stupid. His little brother said to me on the weekend, "I'm just so sick of baby-sitting all these idiots". The rest of their family lives over 4000 km away on the other side of the country, and there is no one here for them besides the few "friends" my ex has made since our break up. The younger brother does have some good friends that he's made over the last few years, and for that I am very thankful. So, ughhh.....I don't know what to do! I haven't spoken to my ex at all. He was in the hospital over the weekend, but is back home now with a broken sternum, broken and cracked ribs. I have had little to no contact with my ex over thelast few months. He did text me last week, saying that he wanted to go for coffee, told me he was flat broke and hated life. I never really promised to go for coffee or anything, just kinda told him that maybe we could in the upcoming weeks. (I kinda wanted to go have coffee with him anyway. I wanted to tell him gently that my new guy is going to move in with me, and that I didn't want to hold onto anger from the past, and wanted to just tell him that I forgive him for all the horrible crap he put me through. For me, so I can move forward without those hard feelings, and because I don't want him to go through life feeling guilt for hurting me - you know?! Forgiveness for God's sake!) I gave his little brother some cash on Saturday night, because he has no money (has been trying to work, but works with my ex who doesn't get out of bed for work everyday due to his drug habits), and told me there was no food in their house, etc. I just wanted to relieve him of some pressure in a time of need. I KNOW my ex is SO stubborn, and when he gets an idea in his head, he will almost always do whatever he has to in order to follow through. I also called his best friend on Saturday. A great guy, level headed, sensible, not into drugs in any way. (How my ex even has a best friend like him is beyond me!) My ex has been working for his best friend, since he lost his own business (all since we broke up). His best friend told me that he knew something was up and was pretty sure he was into the drugs, but also didn't know it was this serious. He told me that he was going to talk to my ex and lecture him and tell him he's taken it too far. He went to visit him in the hospital over the weekend, but I'm not sure if he talked to him about the "attempted suicide" or not. His brother told me that even while he was waking up from the sedatives in the hospital, he was still saying that he didn't want to live anymore, etc. Then when he was fully awake, he chaged his story to "I blacked out, I didn't mean to do it." But then even said, "Well, subconciously I wanted to die." I told his brother to tell the doctors what he had been saying over the last few days, but not sure if he did or not. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO?! I am worried that now that he's back home, he will just get hooked tp pain medication, get messed up on cocaine/crack, drink excessively, etc. Neither brother has a vehicle on the road right now, and he won't be able to work anytime soon. I am scared that he's just going to go ahead and kill himself the next time he has a bad day or whatever. I hate the though of him feeling so helpless/hopeless about life, that he wants to die. I don't want him to hurt like that, it breaks my heart. I am half inclined to give my ex a huge lecture about ow he needs to be a good role model for his brother, and get his crap sorted out, clean himself up. I don't want to cause more drama though, and really don't feel like it's my responsibility to get involved. I do feel a little partial to his brother who is obviously feeling very lost and alone right now, and doesn't have any adults/role models to fall back on. Any advice/suggestions?! This situation is very very confusing for me. I'm not really sure how to feel right now. My heart breaks for the both of them, but I am SO infuritated by my ex's actions at the same time... Link to comment
abitbroken Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Firstly, as I assume you know it is not your fault. Also, when someone gets it in their heads to do something like this, there is no stopping them. People can only delay it slightly. I think that you should not contact the ex. Normally, I would say if the family reaches out, you have moved on, but the younger brother is someone you sort of helped raise when you look at it and I think that if he is reaching out to talk to a sensible adult, etc, I would keep limited contact if you had that kind of individual relationship with him. You were an ear to him, and did your job, so to speak. This man clearly needs to be off the road and his license should be taken away before he hurts anyone else and hopefully the brother and best friend will get him into counseling, rehab, even anti depressants. I think that you should keep your distance for absolutely sure. Do not make promises to see him or them and be thankful that you are out of that situation. Link to comment
wlaney Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 broken1414, I can only speak from my own personal experience as an alcoholic. I believe that addicts in the depths of their disease want to kill the addict and not themselves. For example: My ex broke up with me not too long ago because I was stealing from her to support my disease. I was so wrapped up in myself thinking that how in the world could I do such a thing!!?? Still struggle but improving. So, I did try suicide once. I was very very drunk. And saw no hope. So, I texted my ex, told her what I was doing. I parked my car in the garage and left it running, sat with a big bottle of rum, diet coke and a pack of cigarettes. After a good while I went to lite a cigarette but the lighter wouldnt work. So I went outside and came to my senses. Realizing now that there was no oxygen in the garage so the lighter didnt light. (Smoking saved my life) I finally had to find a different way to live. I wouldnt tell you ex about your new man moving in with you. It could crush him. For example: when my ex told me out of spite that she is dating a new MAN now it killed me and I drank even harder. And drinking is why we broke up. It just added fuel to the fire. I hope this helps. And I hope he finds help because it is out there. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 I think that you should keep your distance for absolutely sure. Do not make promises to see him or them and be thankful that you are out of that situation. Yes, I agree with this. You need to cut the ties.... Link to comment
Mellie Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 One of my exes attempted suicide when we broke up 3 years into the relationship. I went back to "save" him and stayed another 6 years. As I look back, yeah, I would say it was a mistake. It certainly didn't do me any good and I actually doubt it really benefited him either. I don't believe I ever really helped him at all (he was an alcoholic/into drugs/abusive and sooooo many lies (mostly to cover up)). I'm not sure it's actually possible to save anyone in this life. People really have to want to help themselves. To all intents and purposes, he's doing this to himself so it's kind of frustrating - to the logical mind he should just stop already. But when you look at it another way - alcoholism and addiction - it's kind of a mental illness. Yes, he needs people around him who are supportive, that can help, but they can't ultimately make the decision to quit and see that through. He has to do this for himself. Whilst I can empathise with you wanting to help, and I'm sure you have the very best of intentions, I think you'd do better taking a step back from the situations. He needs someone to help him through it, but really, I don't think you're the appropriate person - it should be his family and friends. I would back off. Oh, god - don't go telling him about the new guy, this will only fan the flames. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 You were with this man a very long time... so of course you care, however this isn't your situation anymore. Remember you chose to leave this crazy stuff behind because you realized you deserved more. You were not put on this earth to save him as I imagine you may have tried several times over the year you were together. He has to accept that when you left it was for real. Popping back in here and there because he is doing self destructive things doesn't serve either one of you and if anything will drag you down and mislead him. Its unfortunate the role models he has had in life - his brother, his parents but that is niether your fault nor your issue to fix. He is an adult and must learn to take that responsibility for himself. I would be polite to the brother that contacted you but gently let him know that for the health of everyone involved its best you have no contact right now. Maybe things will change in the future - who knows 5, 10 yr down the road you may be able to maintain some type of contact but I wouldn't recommend it now. Good luck. Link to comment
broken1414 Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 I wouldnt tell you ex about your new man moving in with you. It could crush him. For example: when my ex told me out of spite that she is dating a new MAN now it killed me and I drank even harder. And drinking is why we broke up. It just added fuel to the fire. I wouldn't, but was planning on it only because we both live in a pretty small town, where driving past my house is not out of the way, and word travels fast. Just thought he's going to find out anyway....but of course, with this weekend's events, the whole situation has changed. I didn't think he was feeling that low, he makes everything sound light-hearted, and doesn't open up to anyone. Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Hey you ...wow! Well your ex must have cared a heck of a lot more about you than mine did about me but you're gorgeous and adorable no wonder I was wondering how you've been. What's up with the current bf what happened with that...I don't know if you ever up-dated any of us on that situation. Does he know about your ex bf's suicide attempt? Gosh I can't believe your ex did that, lol I shouldn't laugh I just think that's so random, and a year after the break up too! WOW!!!!! I guess a lot of GOOD it did him screwing 18 yr old girls huh, made him so happy that he tried to kill himself! Can't say he doesn't deserve it Well anyway as much as your ex deserves punishing, this is prob a time for mercy. I think you should be nice to him, don't say too much and go easy on him, try to encourage him and make him feel better so he doesn't try to die again Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 I do agree with this guy, don't tell ur ex about your new bf moving in...it's not the right time yet... Link to comment
wlaney Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Broken1414. I'm not sure if you are a very spiritual person or not. In order to relieve me of my addiction I had to turn somewhere else. I had no where to go. I am no preist, prophet, aposlte etc. I'm just a normal guy who royally f****d up. And this helps. To me this defines addiction... Romans 7: 14-21 "So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it." I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I hope this helps... Link to comment
magnoliatree Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 I don't know if I can offer more advice than what's been given above, but I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. It must be very difficult, but it's not your fault. Hang in there and post here as much as you need to. Link to comment
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